DIY: 7 Suggestions On How To Spice Up Your Sex Appeal With Food!
After stumbling upon Cosmo’s brilliant article “I Ate A Doughnut Off My Boyfriend’s Penis and It Was Awesome,” I was heavily inspired. In the article, Cosmo says, “Sex is AMAZING and almost always really good, especially if you’re with someone you love who knows how to werk it, but sometimes you just to spice shit up. And the spice in this particular instance comes in the form of a sexual doughnut.” Wisely said, Cosmo, wisely said. So, I got to thinking… why should the spice stop at a sexual doughnut around your man’s penis? Think about it, your man views your body like he views his food anyways: salivating at the sight of it and secretly always wanting to stick his dick in it.
With the help of photographer Zachary Grey and our beloved model and totally feminist-driven bff Mati Shaw, here are seven of our very own suggestions on how to spice up your sex appeal with food for the two most important things in life: your man and Instagram.
1. We’re not ones to beat around the bush, that’s your man’s job (obviously!). So, let’s start off by getting the plain and simple facts out there. Be a considerate lover by being mindful of this next time you send him nudes. Try it with an all-beef, kosher frank first. Your man seeing you munching on a hot dog will remind him of you devouring his own wiener!
2. Take #foodporn to the next level. Stop posting photos of your dumb burritos and super lame avocado salads. That’s so 2012. Be the hottest on your followers’ feeds and upload a sultry photo of you with a cheeseburger. Now that’s #foodporn.
3. Give your man a special surprise for when he ever so generously goes down on you by throwing a piece of pizza in front of your vagina. For all my girls in NYC, increase the incentive with a $2 slice of New York-style pizza. And for my Chicago babes, never underestimate the power of your own deep dish ;)
4. Ever used ice cubes in bed, 50 Shades of Grey style? Next time, save the ice cubes for your chardonnay and use ice cream instead! Pick a flavor with a cute color, like raspberry! Then giggle to yourself as you coyly mash it all over your breasts for some arousing chills. Soon enough your nipples will be hard, and sweet! He can lick off all the stickiness.
5. This ones pretty self-explanatory: Bring him a real breakfast in bed… A steamy pile of plump flapjacks, and we’re not talking about the pancakes.
6. Relive those cherished college glory days back when you were so broke you lived off of ramen! You’ll make your man’s dreams come true while he watches your mini-faux-lesbian-experimental-make-out-sesh! So tolerant, it’s trendy.
7. More of a sweets gal? Cure that jungle fever and try tip #6 with chocolate sauce instead!
I had the very slight honor of sitting down with Nashville’s Hopportunity at the Hopportunity Mansion, also known as lead singer Blake Skinner’s bedroom.
As we waited to start the interview, the band half heartily sang their very own rendition of “Girlfriend” by Avril Lavigne and Blake impatiently asked, “Can we hurry this up? I’m hungry. Anyone wanna go get food after this?”
Even though Blake is the lead singer of this no-name band, I can feel his Alex Turner persona emerging. Blake’s essence consists of painted pinky nails, late night drives, fast food milkshakes, a deep appreciation for Tame Impala, Mac Demarco and Prince, Marlboro cigarettes and a hopeless romantic soft side overshadowed by bully-esque sarcasm.
The band’s guitarist, Nolan Plummer, has all of the characteristics of an ironically hip alcoholic stepfather, while simultaneously being neither an alcoholic nor a stepfather. His mannerisms are reminiscent of an overcompensating presidential candidate who overestimated his tolerance to marijuana moments before taking the stage for a debate. And somehow he’s capable of making an “everyone-aside-from-myself-is-a-dumbass” attitude and consistent eye rolling subtle, exquisitely tolerable and almost charming. It must be because he’s a Scorpio.
And then there’s Brendan Lank, the bassist. At first impression, Brendan can come across as the timid schoolteacher type, with his soft-spoken voice and noncommittal eye contact, but I promise he’s so much more. He’s actually more of the dad type. The kind you see at theme parks sporting a Cubs baseball hat and Asics running shoes, squinting their eyes, standing with one hand on their hip and with the other hand wiping away the copious amounts of sweat accumulated on their forehead. Note: Sorry Brendan, not meaning to turn away the females. Ladies, he’s single.
In fact, so are Blake and Nolan. The three of them are all super single and super great. So, in honor of their greatness and the fact that they, prior to this interview, have gotten no publicity at all, whatsoever, here is poorly executed non-sense with Hopportunity:
HOW MANY FANS ON FACEBOOK DO YOU GUYS HAVE?
NOLAN PLUMMER: LIKE, 50?
BLAKE SKINNER: 55, TO BE EXACT.
BRENDAN LANK: Y-YEAH…
WHICH MEMBER OF HOPPORTUNITY DO YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU HEAR THE WORD CELERY JUICE?
NOLAN: BRENDAN.
WHAT ABOUT DIRTY BOXERS?
NOLAN: BLAKE.
BLAKE: OH, REALLY? OUCH.
NOLAN: DO YOU WANT TO LOOK AROUND THE ROOM?
BLAKE: THEY’RE ALL CLEAN. IT’S ALL CLEAN. IT’S JUST ALL OVER.
IF EACH OF YOU HAD TO BE ONE OF THE FOLLOWING THINGS WHO WOULD BE WHAT? A BUTCHER, A SERIAL KILLER AND A DOG WALKER.
NOLAN: BUTCHER (points to Blake), SERIAL KILLER (points to himself), DOG WALKER (points to Brendan).
BLAKE: UH, I WAS THINKING BUTCHER (point to himself), SERIAL KILLER (points to Brendan)…
BRENDAN: NO, I’M DOG WALKER…
BLAKE: DOG WALKER (points to himself). HE’S TOTALLY THE SERIAL KILLER (points to Brendan). LOOK AT HIS SHIRT… IT’S SOMETHING, LIKE, MANSON WOULD WEAR (Brendan is wearing a striped wide collared crème and tan tee, probably from Urban Outfitters).
WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE GENOCIDE?
BRENDAN: …EVERY GENOCIDE…?
NOLAN: THE CAMBODIAN GENOCIDE? PROBABLY. EHHH… LIKE BESIDES THE HOLOCAUST?
NO, THE HOLOCAUST INCLUDED.
NOLAN: OKAY, PROBABLY THE HOLOCAUST.
BLAKE: I DON’T… I DON’T REALLY HAVE AN OPINION ON IT. THEY’RE ALL FINE.
1. They have scotch whiskey flavored condoms. Seriously, throw one on your man’s package and show him you like his penis like you like your liquor: hard.
2. Safe sex is good sex: come on ladies, you know this.
3. They’re the ultimate Planned Parenthood. You can poke holes in them so your boyfriend gets you pregnant and therefore is forced to propose. You guys can go shopping for engagement rings together! So cute.
4. If you buy lubricated condoms when he accidentally slips it into your butt it’ll slide right in.
5. When your man gets ambitious and buys condoms that are too big his penis will look like a silly ghost :)
6. After he finishes in the condom you can save the condom as special memorabilia that binds your love together. Bonus: you make edgy art with it.
7. Dental dams are out!
Note from the editor: And remember gents, if you’re afraid of an unplanned pregnancy, double wrap that pickle and say a quick Hail Mary before you send your woman to pound town!
