Almost a month ago, I turned 26 and its not long enough before I bid 20's goodbye. I have been working since 2010, with some bum times in between employments. I have been employed to 6 companies: a medical spa in a foreign land (which was my first ever job), a call center, a hospital (btw, I'm an RN - Registered Nurse, but could also be a Resting Nurse lol), a BPO company, a telecommunications company and now, in an IT company, in which I worked in the HR - Payroll field for all the latter three. I turned my back and walked away from my [forcedfully] chosen career, which is Nursing, but I find myself a lot of times looking back and imagining myself back in my scrubs and doing the same things in the advocacy I was once at. I call it advocacy rather than a career because for all we know, caring for the sick, seeing your patients get better and saving lives with minimal pay is truly an advocacy. It may sound heroic, but its more of having the drive to sustain the lives of people you've never even met before. Being in the corporate world was what I thought I wanted. But after 2 years and 3 months on my first payroll experience, I got burnt out and sought for a new job. I knew deep within that I wasn't happy anymore and that I'm ready for new learnings and challenges. When I got hired in the telecommunications company for the same role, I was hopeful that this is finally what I wanted. To my surprise, my first day at work felt really off, as if I wasn't wanted inside. I had a terrible experience with my boss and my colleague and I just couldn't bear the agony of staying so after 5 months, I went looking for a new opportunity in another company. My 5 months stay in the said company was indeed challenging. I did learn a lot, too many for my brain to grasp, but it was draining and that was then when I really knew what "burnout" really meant. Getting out of that company was a relief. I was ecstatic to start at my new company, working for the same payroll role. People (management and teammates) wise, I had no problems with. Everyone's really nice and helpful and fun to be with. However, during my 3rd, running 4th month, I found myself staring at my office computer, asking myself "What am I doing here? Why am I doing this?" Those were the two questions I didn't have answers to. And the third, most controversial question came in, "Are you happy with what you're doing?" Still, I found myself in silence, trying to find the right answer for the million dollar question. Now don't get me wrong, I currently have a nice salary, I'm semi living on my own (I still go home to my parent's house during weekends), and I'm starting to understand how difficult it is to be independent (but hey, I gotta learn, right?). But I could not deny the fact that there's something missing. I know that sometimes, you have to be where you are right now even if it wasn't what you wanted. Sometimes, it doesn't matter if you're happy, you just have to be there because you have to. It was months before my 26th birthday when I knew I wanted to have my own business, run it and completely devote myself into it. Even though the universe is still trying to make me go back to my advocacy, I know deep down inside that putting up a business is one of the things that I really wanted. What's stopping me? Fear. Of failing, of being proven that I have made a terrible decision, of losing. I let myself be employed and become a corporate slave because of the stability of getting a monthly income, just that. It has been my comfort zone since I am too afraid to get out of my shell and join the war. I know I am too afraid to fight for what I want and that fear is consuming me, not just in the career aspect of my life, but also in others. I have been seeing my high school and college batchmates getting engaged, tying the knot and starting their own cute families. My fear of failing has also reached this aspect of my life, where I found myself afraid of commitments and relationships. Honestly, at this point, I'm not sure if I am even getting married in the near or not so near future. I don't see myself tying the knot, having a family of my own and growing old with a man I committed myself to. The thought of all these, is actually scaring me to death. I just see all of these as big leaps of faith, which I could not lift a toe to do. Bottom line is, I am at that point wherein I don't know what to do with my life. I have lost all dreams and appetite for life. And I am scared that I'll turn out to be this person for the rest of my life. It scares me, that I don't know where I'll be at 5 years from now. It scares me that I'll find myself just laying down, feeling nothing, at all. Everything right now is mediocre. Its like I'm standing at a crossroad, not knowing where to go and too scared to try and risk and choose something worthwhile for myself. What does 'happiness' really mean, anyway?
