Lakes&Mountains

just a girl that lives in Alaska

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I love autumn time in Alaska. It’s the perfect tempature.

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I haven’t really had much to say these past few days. But here’s a really cool picture of the mountains and the clouds :)

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it’s that time of the year. to cozy on up. I love winter. here’s a picture of my favorite candle :)

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so I almost died yesterday. I’m not going to explain how but it was basically a freak accident. my two worst nightmares that could’ve happened happened. In the span of one mintue. I’m still a little shaken up about it still but that’s ok. When the accident happen for some reason I was extremely calm. I was by myself which I think that might of helped but I’ve always thought of this certain scenario happening in my head but I never thought it would happen. I’ve had a lot of freak accidents happen in my life time where I honestly should’ve died. All those times I’ve been extremely calm. You know how everyone says that death isn’t something you should be scared of. Well I think humans are genetically programmed to not be scared or to not panic when the time actually comes. If it’s either in a hospital dying of old age, or in a car accident. When you are so close to losing you life, you kind of just go into a state of calmness. I think that’s the body’s way of protecting itself, maybe shock. But I really think it’s the idea of not allowing yourself to be scared of death. Whenever I write these “concept” posts I always have new thoughts and ideas of what things can mean. I’m really only writing these things to myself when I feel like it however. I really feel like someone somewhere is watching me and protecting me. I don’t know who it would be, or why, but that’s the only thing that would make senses as to why I’m still here today, writing this post. anyways. I don’t really have much to say expect that I have a huge headache. So I’m going to try to go sleep it off.

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here are some pictures from girdwood. These aren’t my best, edited pretty poorly but I think they are pretty. Anyways. Most people think winter is the season of dark, cold thoughts. Everyone becomes sad. Complaining about the cold all the time. But with me, I love the cold. Winter is when I thrive. It really makes me think if I’m sick. Thriving in a season that represents death, lonlyiness, depression. I don’t know what it is. Over the past year or so give or take I have gotten very sensitive to sound. Speaking about that actually the water pipes in my apartment have air in them and it constantly sounds like heavy rain beating on the roof. Driving me insane. But anyways. I get super irritated at certain sounds, loud or tiny. I keep my radio at 11 volume. My SO always complains about it being to quiet. I have been living in an apartment off a busy road. The noise of cars whooshing past has been driving me insane for the past five months. The slightest sounds I’m telling ya. It’s like the more repetitive the sounds the more I get mad or irritated. My SO can be talking in a “medium sound” voice and it makes me cringe. It’s like the volume shakes my ears. I don’t really know how to put it. But it makes me want to scream stop. I love them and everything but ya know. Sometimes I think the reason why I love winter is because it’s so quite. The bugs are dead, people stop running because it’s too cold. The days are shorter which means people aren’t driving that late. The way the wind blows in winter sounds so good. Snow absorbs sound, is what I was told. When I was younger I used to love to open the front door and just listen to the winter sounds. The small quiet breeze, the way the air would touch my face, I would stand in the doorway for minutes and just stare blankly into the dark just listening to the quietness.

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this was going over illiamna. so I know no one reads my posts or anything so I guess I can say this without feeling like someone is watching me. I suffer from extreme paranoia disorder. I haven’t told anyone and even if I did I feel like no one would be believe me. I can’t do anything without having to think about the worst possible outcome. I have tried so hard for people to forget that I exist just in case I did something or say something by accident that no one would even know who I was. I stopped posting on Snapchat. Deleted my Instagram. Stopped talking to my friends back at home. I wanted to whip myself off the face of the earth. I’m scared someone will try to ruin me or hurt me. I’m scared that someone would find away to take away everything that I’ve worked for. I’m so proud of who I became and who I am today that I just want to beat the shit out of my child self. Tell them that you need to stop talking, acting, haning around the people you used to hang around. Be alone. Be the person that sticks to themselves. Because at the end of the day that’s all we have. I’m sorry for the long post but it’s just me that’s reading this. Day by day I have to think of every little thing I do to hide my identity. Like when I talk to my friends back at home I try not to give away details about what city I live in. Or when I do post on Snapchat. Which is rare. I immediately take it down thinking that someone is going to remember me and think about me. I don’t like that. I don’t want that. I wish it didnt have to be that way. Mental illness sucks. I haven’t admit that I have a mental illness. It’s kinda crazy. This developed about a year and a half ago. I have intrusive thoughts that never go away. This same one every second of the day. I can’t seek help and I’m not sure it would help anyways.

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flew over valdez the other day :)

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just some pictures from my latest flight around the Seward area.