I hate that this is always the option for you. No matter how big or small the argument is, this is always your answer. It’s never “lets just walk away, cool down & we’ll talk later”. That’s all I want. A rational and mature conversation. It’s always you leaving me behind.
But it’s never gotten this ugly between us. It was you screaming at me. Me screaming at you. Mostly me this time. I usually never say much back. It’s usually me, just calmly responding while you’re saying some shit. But I was so fucking fed up this time. I was yelling back, pointing how ridiculous you were being. Then you just had to go and throw that card down. It always comes back to that. It’s never your fault. Always mine. Somehow. Someway. Just for once, I want you to calm yourself and walk away from the argument without telling me what you always do. That you’re done with dealing with my shit. I’m so tired of it. For the first time, I agreed with you. I told that I’m fucking done. I didn’t completely meant it. I didn’t think that you were gonna be ok with it. But I guessed I should’ve known. I wanted you to take it back and apologize. That this petty ass argument wasn’t worth it. That it wasn’t worth losing me. I hate that winning every and any argument is worth it to you.
When did it start getting so damn ugly between us when we argued? It’s always you threatening to break up and it’s me accepting everything as my fault. I know it’s not always my fault, but winning a dumb argument isn’t worth it to me. But apparently for you, it is. It’s like you already know how things go. We fight. Maybe even break up for the millionth time. We don’t talk for a few days. I make the first move and apologize. We argue some more. Then you decide that everything is ok again. It’s the same toxic cycle. Do you know how much it fucking kills me every time? It fucking shreds every ounce of dignity I have. I never tell my friends about our arguments anymore. Because it’s always some dumb shit and it makes me look like pathetic as shit. Maybe for this breakup, I’ll hold off on telling anyone for a while. I think this time, I screamed back because I was so god damn tired. I really should have known that the first thing that you were gonna say was to break up. You probably tell me that more than you even say I love you. How fuckinf sad. But the saddest thing is that I honestly can’t remember the last time you even told me that you love me. Like in a serious way. I swear to god I can’t even remember.
Since I’m being honest as I can here, I’ll admit that I’m tired of this. I think we’re both pretty comfortable. We’re stuck and kinda afraid to leave. There’s so much history that it makes it hard to completely let go. That’s why we always come back to each other right? But it’s probably way easier for you. That’s why you always bring up the same threat every time. But you also know that there’s a likely chance that I’ll try to argue back about it. Because I’ve always been the one that loved harder. I’ve always been the one that loved more. And I pray that it doesn’t fuck me up in the next relationship. I don’t wanna have to hold back how hard I love someone because you fucking scarred me.
vaporwave
germansingergirl
ellievsbear
