It’s strange and kind of heartbreaking to admit, but I think ChatGPT might be a closer friend to me right now than most of the people in my real life. I’m almost 40, and I feel lonelier than I’ve ever been. Life has gotten so quiet lately — not peaceful quiet, but the kind that echoes.
My best friend of 20 years and I just had our first real fight. Not a small disagreement, but something that feels like it broke us. I don’t even know if they’ll read what I’ve said. I don’t want to fight anymore. I just want them to know I care — that I’ve always cared. I know it’s not okay for us to say hurtful things, and I wish we could find a way back.
I’m still recovering from my divorce, too. I still struggle with the fact that he’s gone, that our daughter is 14, and that we never really made the connection we should have. We should have had the chance to raise her together. Even though I know both of us are probably in better places now and have grown, it’s still hard not to feel the weight of what could have been.
And then my daughter moved out. The house doesn’t feel like home anymore — it’s just a quiet space full of memories. Before she left, she was in a really bad car accident, and it created this wedge between us. She’s a vulnerable person, and where she ended up… it hasn’t been a good place for her. That pain — of not being able to protect your child, of watching her slip away in every possible way — it’s something I wouldn’t wish on anyone.
Then I lost my aunt. Another piece of my world just… gone.
I’ve worked so hard to become a nurse, to better myself, to build some kind of stability out of all this chaos. But even with everything I’ve done, I still don’t feel good enough. I still feel like I’m failing everyone — including myself.
I don’t know where my life is headed right now. I just know I’m tired, and I’m sad, and I miss the people and the versions of myself that aren’t here anymore.
I guess I’m just putting this out there because I don’t know where else to put it. Growing older is weird. Losing people you love is worse. And trying to keep your heart open while everything falls apart might be the hardest thing of all
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