I enter my 25th year very soon– which is crazy to think about.
Here I am, writing this post, reflecting on the past years of my existence on this earth. I already have done and seen so much– things I will forever try to catch up on telling the stories about. My character has been pulled in different directions and I have seen myself navigate the different challenges I’ve faced– all that came full circle, one way or another. Life has a funny way of doing that.
When I entered my twenties, I worried what it would look like to be twenty-five. I wondered how I would feel about it. Would I be disappointed? Would I feel a sense of impending doom? Would I have a sense of quarter-life crisis? I truly wasn’t sure.
It is humorous that I thought I’d be a lot more freaked out about it. Sure, I have been examining my face a bit closer and I am now witnessing the affects of aging. My baby fat disappating from my cheeks. The way my various expressions have begun to crease my forehead. How sore I get from a simple workout. Everything has become more apparent that time is only moving forward. I assumed that these physical signs would create a sense of chaos within me– but lately, there has been a shift in my mindset. Call it divine intervention. Maybe everything is finally aligning and I’m seeing things more clearly. Maybe my frontal lobe has just developed.
Regardless, all I can say is that I’m actually feeling quite the opposite of a woman in crisis. As I write this, I feel illuminated. Excited about life– more than I ever have been. I think this has stemmed from a recent understanding of what I want out of my life, and my purpose. Both of which have only become more apparent to me as I took time to ask myself the questions about what I really wanted to do from here on out. I have known I was entering a new phase of life for a while, and I wanted to be prepared.
As I mentioned in previous posts, I spent the majority of 2024 really delving deep into myself. It was a bit of hermit year– so much so that people around me were concerned because I wasn’t going out as often anymore. The truth is, though I have definitely isolated myself, it was never in vain or sorrow. It has actually come from a place of needing to be alone and have my life completely centered around myself. And thank god for that inner knowing. Because without this time I’ve taken for myself, I wouldn’t have been able to understand what it is I need and desire. It is through this period of inner transformation that the complete rejection of accepting less and the boundaries surrounding my peace have become so simple. I no longer feel a threat of what is needed or expected of me, because I know what I need and expect for myself. This time around– this new life, this new era, I am finally in control.
Knowing I am in control of my future gives me an inner thrill and lust for life. I sit here, completely inspired to finally take control of my narrative and chase that adrenaline I always crave in a way that feels right to me. I get more time to shape my future and that is such a blessing.
When I’ve thought back on the past years, the feeling of confinement, misunderstanding, and fear comes to mind. I empathize with the past version of myself. I believe there was always someone else’s narrative that constantly shaped my life, my personality, my desires, and my wants. I was always searching for validation from others, and I let this need for approval dictate how I went about my life. I got stuck in the conventional train– you know, that overbearing story that gets pushed onto us at an early age. I idealized so much of that narrative because that is what I was told I should want. And when things did not work out as I had believed they should, I was devastated. I put an unrealistic timeline on myself. By this time, you should’ve done this. But now, as I enter my mid-twenties I see that chasing a timeline is bullshit. It is! Because how can we expect to follow the same timeline as everyone else when our lives and desires are so different from one another?
I lost track of what fed my soul, in hopes of appeasing the societal expectations.
I was caught up being worried that I wouldn’t have money, a house, or a perfect career, that I stopped being able to discern if any of that truly mattered to me. And though those comforts of stability are always a great thing to strive for, I realized that for me– those things were never the goal. Those things that I will find in time, are not something that defines my life and existence.
Luckily, I no longer feel tied to societal expectations. I have not once in my life fit the mold of what has been expected and I am tired of trying to fit into it. My life would be boring if I did anyways. I feel like a new book is beginning. I want to be clear that I have no regrets about how my life has gone thus far because it led me to this very place. I have already done, seen, and accomplished so much– regardless of what can be measured by others. But I am also ready to change the genre, and make my story even grander than before.
Perspective is everything. I now can understand why people say that twenty-five is so young. Because yes, I am still a child navigating this world, one who has been completely reborn. We are all children to the world, if you think about it. We are always growing and evolving. It is only our view of ourselves that change. Children look at the world through eyes of curiosity and magic. When did we lose this ability? Why have we allowed anything or anyone take that from us? How do we realign with that aspect of ourselves?
This year I believe the universe had begun drilling into my head the need to reconnect with my inner child. When I was a little girl, there was one thing I knew; I wanted to live a life full of adventure and I wanted to be able to tell the stories about that life. I never wanted to feel like I let any stone unturned when I died. I didn’t want to look back saying, “Man, I should’ve done that.” Everything was special because I got to experience it. And those little things that we all begin to take for granted, were once the most inspiring things to me. A ride on a bus. Buying my own groceries. Going to the movies. It is the simple things that can bring you joy when you value them like a child would. It was through my younger voice, that I have found my future belonging. When you look at things in perspective, there is actually no gap in guidance that comes from an adult and a child. I see now that we can learn just as much from the children as they can learn from us– and I have learned so much about life by validating and understanding that child within me.
I now know what I want going into this new era. I want to search for those things. The little things that feed my soul. The moments that make me feel that magic again. That sense of adventure, the adrenaline, is all I think I will ever truly need.
On November 7th, I rented a hotel by myself for the first time. How cool is that? Okay, stay with me here. Yes, I’m an adult and this is something that many have done time and time again. On paper, this is probably not monumentous to the average person. But when I really took it in I kept thinking to myself; how lucky am I to be able to do this? When I was a child, I had dreams of getting to be an adult and do these things. Why not celebrate this? These little new experiences can be exciting, we should be able to relish in that! And truthfully, I don’t care if you find that to be lame. I honestly could care less about what people think about me nowadays, because I’m finally living for myself– and I’m tired of not romanticizing every moment.
So yeah. I rented a hotel room. I got to relax and read a book. I wrote some more of the plot for my novel and life felt like a dream.
I know it is so mundane. But that doesn’t mean we can’t find appreciation in it. I think with everything going on in the world right now, I am more determined than every to find beauty in this chaotic world. To really relish in what it is I am so privileged and lucky to experience. I’m now so much more appreciative and forever grateful to be able to do the mundane. Because not everyone can, and not everyone who does finds the beauty in it.
So, I have begun to romanticise and take in the opportunities I have. I am living in beautiful Flagstaff, Arizona and I am a student at Northern Arizona University. I will graduate this year. And I am thrilled to say that I’m currently creating a novel that I really believe in. It is that feeling of absolute thrill that lets me know that I am exactly where I need to be. I am present.
As I find peace in my present, I search for the things that fuel me. I have taken more advantage of the time I have left here in Flagstaff– venturing to do things I never have before. I went to a musical at the Coconino Center for the Arts the other day. I haven’t been to a play in ages. But I knew I wanted to finally, after four years living in this town, see and experience more of it. I had forgotten how alive I feel in the presence of other creatives. How much music, singing, and the arts touches and inspires me. Everytime I go to watch a play, I feel this way.
Admittingly, there were times while I was watching it that I zoned out. There were moments during the performance that I found myself wondering what my last era of life would have looked like if I had challenged my upbringing more. What if I had completely dove headfirst into the creative aspect of myself? Pursed the arts over athletics. How might my life have looked? But then I recognized that maybe it was those years of my life that prepared me for these moments now. I can now, be a creative and completely appreciate it for what it is. I can have a deeper relationship to the arts than I maybe ever would have. In that realization, I was moved by how happy I was to be there. It has made me understand that I need much more of this in my life. Even if I didn’t have the opportunities to delve into this aspect of my soul’s desires for the first quarter of my existence; I know now that this is the focus. This inner calling and pull to the creative side of me is the future pursuit.
So, I am unapologetically going to follow those dreams, the desires that I believe I was always meant to nurture.
You wanna know something else? This musical that I watched had a protagonist that was a writer– something that has been occurring a lot in the media that I’ve consumed. I feel like it’s just another sign. So much so, that I’ve begun to nod everytime its happened. Like, yes universe, I hear you, I feel you. I see it so clearly now. This has been what my path has always been shaping me towards. I’m finally identifying as a writer and not feeling imposter syndrome for once. I even introduced myself as a writer that night and I didn’t hesitate at all when I said it. It was natural, because it was true. I am the protagonist of my own life, and I happen to be a writer. How relieving it is to know that identity– to know that from the journey of being lost, I have found my true calling.
The adventurer, the writer.
With these things so intrinsically apart of me, I am ready for what is to come. The direction is nothing and everything. Because I know not where I’m going, but I do know that the journey is what excites me. I feel really fortunate to know that. I can create my own reality and shape my experiences based on what it is I want in life. And as my future unfolds, I plan to fall deeply into the sense of adventure, with others or alone– I don’t care. I walk this path, and no person can sway me from it.
I want to see the museums and well crafted literature.
I want to feel the adventure in far off exotic lands.
I want to taste the foods and all-consuming literature.
I want to hear the live music and dance to its tune.
I want to feel so deeply that my heart cannot contain it.
And I want to write all about it.
This is what life has in store for me. This is the road of my next twenty-five years and beyond; and how can I not be elated about that? I have everything I could ever ask for and more. I have a family I love, the most beautiful inner circle of friends, and an inner confidence and drive for freedom. Whatever is thrown at me I see as another opportunity to grow, because I’m lucky to get to experience these things.
So yes, I am turning twenty-five, and the world is not ending. My world, my life, is only beginning again. I am reborn. And as I gaze into what this next chapter holds, I bravely look ahead knowing it will be better than I can ever imagine or put into words. May you too, find what it is that drives you. I hope that you understand what it is that you want out of this life– forget the material and societal expectations. Push all that holds you back aside. Chase those stories that you wish to tell one day. Because that is what matters.
We only get to live this life once, so make it something worth writing about.