Feel and Write

Unspoken

[laorquideanegra]

[laorquideanegra]

all you need to do is be strong

ease up, and you will reach 30 gracefully!

even though you do not know if you are on the right path, you have passed this tough life by not letting yourself be someone else. you are still firm to endure all the pain and difficulties.

ease up, and you will reach 30 gracefully!

when you have failed on something, it is okay. it is just a process, it is just a sign that you are strong enough to overcome the failure. the fun fact is you still can walk, eat, and sleep even though it feels like life has betrayed you.

ease up, and you will reach 30 gracefully!

when you still could not find your purpose in this life and you still could not be a meaningful human being for your surroundings. when you are too tired to answer all of the questions in your head to seek validation.

ease up, and you will reach 30 gracefully!

when in the middle of nowhere, you suddenly met a gorgeous and intelligent woman with whom you thought you would spend the rest of your life but at the end of the day, she went to study abroad and it doubted if she is worth it to be pursued or not.

ease up, all you need to do is be strong and continue your life.

[laorquideanegra]

I've turned into the most powerful woman without a husband in the history of my family

yesterday, I celebrated Eid Mubarak in my hometown. on that occasion, my mom re-told me again about our family background and suddenly, I realized that I've turned into the most powerful woman without a husband in the history of my family.

I recalled the history of my grandmothers and my aunts, and I discovered that I am the only woman who had a proper education, not only because just because I went to school, but also because I always went to the best schools in my town, being an intelligent student in class with a lot of talent, continued to one of the best public university in my country, and now, I already have a stable job with enough salary to live my life.

turns out, what I thought about life and happiness is not quite correct if I am looking at my relatives and neighbors in my village. I was born into a simple and harmonious family, why did modernization make life so complicated? why did overthinking and anxiety occupy my mind for the things that even don't happen right now? a lot of people came to my house and I still saw comity in their eyes for me and my parents even though I don't look like them.

maybe this will be my turn over to always open my eyes and be wise. understanding people is really important if you want to be understood. just remember, people think in the place and situation where they live right now. If we think we already gain much more wisdom and knowledge than them, it's we who are supposed to tune in and listen, but with one condition, don't be afraid to be ourselves and have a little courage to speak the truth or your opinion.

being a trailblazer is not easy, but if not we who break the wrong chain, then who...

(PS: I put Back to Black by Amy Winehouse because the music fits into the awakening that I've just felt)

[laorquideanegra]

one day I'll fall in love again

I believe that one day I'll fall in love again. I'll fall in love with the right person. not because we both feel lonely, not because we're both desperate, not because we both complete each other side, not because we're both a half of the orange, not because we're both looking for each other, not because we both have to be the top of our priorities, not because we both have to invest too much in our relationship, not because we're both afraid to be single again after a dozen of breakups, not because we can't live our own lives, not because we both envy the way other couples do in their relationships, not because we're both giving up and hopeless. not because we both don't have any strength.

she will just be the right person for me, with whom I can share my stories, flaws, craziness, thoughts, breath, wisdom, foolishness, eerie, blissfulness, courage, and of course feelings. she will just admit that she loves me too without hiding it from the world. like my friend said, she will be very independent yet clingy to me. she will just have the courage to stay with me no matter what. she will just have the faith that our relationship will work the way it is. she will just have no doubt about love between two women. she will just receive all the love I give for her.

I will just meet her, unconditionally, in this cruel world, and she will be the reason for my long journey in this universe.

[laorquideanegra]

what does gay look like

"Because you don't look super gay now honestly."

my gay friend said those words to me, so maybe the rest of the world would say the same thing. what does gay look like? in particular, what should an Asian lesbian look like?

that's so funny. just because I look very 'normal', have a great maternal instinct, being such a sensitive person, don't like to go to the bar, don't like parties, don't be surrounded by other lesbians, don't flirt with the girls, didn't have a tattoo or many piercings, such a nerdy with a lot of books, like to do the domestic chores by myself, so people always decide who "the perfect boyfriend or the future husband" will be for me.

for me, being a lesbian is more like a spirit to see the world wisely, to gain new knowledge every day, to have a big heart, to share love, and in the end, being a lesbian is to be a human.

[laorquideanegra]

a rebellious girl searching for freedom

meeting with an old friend always brought me a new perspective and made me wiser. as a person who likes the holistic case, that saves me from being a judgmental person. that's why as long as I live and there will be many person who is willing to share their story, I won't stop learning to be a better person.

but to be the better person I am today, I have spent almost my entire life being labeled as a rebellious girl by my parents and family. it has cost a lot of things in my life and my relationship with them. but one day, I saw a copywriting from a short-movie poster Nubes and it said "A veces, para ser una buena persona, hay que ser una mala hija." "Sometimes, to be a good person, we've gotten to be a bad daughter," and I really agree with these phrases.

a bad daughter is one who's choosing their principal over their parents' principal in my case. no, not because their principals are better than their parents, but in my opinion, those are the right thing that fits into our life after searching for the meaning of life, which sometimes is different from our parents. for me, being labeled as a rebellious girl is a way to search for my own freedom to be my true self and freedom to express what's in my heart and what's in my mind.

if I am doing flashbacks of my teenager and coming-of-age self now, I would say "thank you for being you, if you didn't, I had lost myself today."

[laorquideanegra]

a morena little girl

in the middle of a sunny day, I called it yesterday, when I was waiting for the exam, I saw a little girl gazing at me. a little girl, which is maybe a mixed ethnicity or a daughter of a foreigner, with tanned skin, and large-waving hair with the color morena, and I couldn’t see it clearly, but she has beautiful eyes. with a lot of curiosity, she kept her eyes on me, until I decided to look back at her and waved. surprisingly, she responded to me with the same gesture, waved back, and with a sweet smile. it was bringing such an effect on me and I decided to wave again at her and smiled. a shy little girl, then she left her place and ran into another side. I was still amazed by her graciousness, so I waited for her for coming back. fortunately, she came back and ran to get closer to me. 

“what’s your name?” bravely, I asked her name. 

“Alicia (or Alisha),” I couldn’t hear it clearly, but I think it’s a French name since the school where I visited was funded by the French government.

“I am Hilda,” I replied to her, but I wasn’t sure if she could hear my name clearly since I was on the second floor and she was in the schoolyard. 

something interrupted us, her mom was calling her and she went back to her mom. 

hey, morena little girl, I just want you to know that you made my day yesterday and I will always remember your smile. one day, when you are growing up and the world is getting so hard, just remember, one day at a time, you’ve warmed a 29 years old young girl heart who was fighting for her dream. 

[laorquideanegra]

paciencia

me he tomado unos días libres para preparar mi examan que va a llegar mañana. basicamente, estoy preparada y llevo un año imaginandome de este día. pero, todavía se queda miedo y necesito a superarlo. ¿no va a ser el fin del mundo con el resultado, verdad?

al contrario, me ha hecho pensar muchas cosas de mi misma, de mi existencia, de mi conocimiento, de mi objeto en esta vida, de mi meta para el futuro. no tengo que comparar todo esto con otra persona, no tengo que preocuparme si voy a fracasar o tener exito, no tengo que parar si todo lo que quiero es seguir caminando, no tengo que mirar al pasado. 

tomando días libres me hace reflexionar que estoy disfrutando la soledad y me doy cuenta de que tengo sensitividad a las personas negativas. sé que no hay mala persona en esta vida, para mí, estas personas solo mantienen la nube negra en su mente que afecta su conducta y su actitud. tambíen me doy cuenta, no lo he averiguado desde cuando, es más dificil para concentarme y enfocarme en solo una tarea ahora. ojalá no tuviera que ver con el efecto de mi trabajo hace unos años que siempre se han hecho muchas lineas en una vez ni tuviera que ver con los adictivos de redes sociales en últimos años. además, me doy cuenta de que yo siempre tengo prisa en todo, siempre me he sentido de que tengo que acelerar cada paso de mi vida y falta la paciencia. paciencia! me he olvidado esta frase mágica. no hay nada en este mundo que puede quitar y conquistar una persona con mucha paciencia. 

de niña, mi madre siempre me recordaba para tener toda la paciencia en el mundo cuando lo que quería no salió como me imaginaba o simplemente cuando tenía un mal día. solo estaba llorando y ya está, el día siguente podía ir al colegio con sonrisa. me he olvidado que soy adulta ahora y vivo sola, lejos de mis padres. la que tiene que recordarme con esa frase es yo misma. hilda, tenga paciencia, todo va a llegar a tu ritmo. poco a poco, aunque no sabemos qué nos espera en el futuro, con pacienca, vamos a discubrirlo. 

al final, me doy cuenta de que he caminado tan lejos hasta aquí. todo tiene sentido, todo necesita su tiempo, y todo tiene razón solo con mirarnos en nuestro propio espejo. deja de compararnos con los alrededores, deja de quejarnos con la mala situacíon. todo lo que tenemos que hacer es sobrevivir. hablando de sobrevivir, últimamente he pensado por qué cuando era niña y más joven tenía más habilidades en arte, música, deporte, el mundo espectáculo,las asignaturas del instituto, o quiero decir que tenía mucha pasíon y gusto en muchas cosas, porque eran para sobrevivir y por aburrimientos. a veces, me gusta más la vida cuando las tecnologías no son tan desarolladas como hoy en día. por esta razón, yo de pequeña tenía más creatividad y curiosidad que yo de adulta. 

recuerda, así esta es la vida y si no tenemos paciencia, estamos perdidos.

[laorquideanegra]

29.

veintinueve y punto. a ver, comó voy a deciros, pero, nunca me lo habia imaginado que estuviera en esta etapa de paz y tomálo todo con calma. ahora puedo decir en voz alta a todo el mundo de que yo jamás me he arrepentido todo lo que ha pasado en mi vida, jamás. aunque sí, existen los problemas, los traumas, los desafíos, y las rabias, pero todo eso se necesita para llegar hasta aquí, hasta que me doy cuenta a lo lejos que he caminado en esta vida. por eso, la palabra cierta que expresa como me siento ahora es agradecida. agradezco por todo, incluso lo bueno y lo malo. para eso es la vida ¿no? siempre nos da un lado al otro, en la manera de altibajos o círculos.

también en este momento, quiero pedir perdón a todas las personas que me he partido sus corazones y sus almas. quizás la palabra nunca es suficiente para arreglar todo lo que he hecho. pero creéme, es lo mejor para nuestra bien. solamente somos las humanas seres, cometemos los errores. a veces pudiéramos arreglarlos, pero a veces solo pudiéramos dejarlos atrás. también para eso es la vida ¿no?

gracias por todas las oportunidades en esta vida. gracias por tanto amor que he recibido en mi 29 años. seguimos celebrando la vida!

[laorquideanegra]

Poliamor #1

don’t be surprised, a few months ago I have been thinking about this a lot. not because I am in this kind of relationship (polyamory, open relationship, etc), but lately I am just asking myself “do I just allow one kind of relationship in my life? is monogamy really the best kind of relationship for me? what if I met someone again but she is under heteronormative rules that make her can’t make choice but as long as our relationship works other things don’t really matter? let me explain a little bit. 

last night, I just finished reading Lo que hay written by Sara Torres and it opened my eyes to understand more about love, lust, desire, and the relationship between women. this book is really incredible in that shows different points of view on maternal and polyamory in the lesbian relationship from the narrator with beautiful, romantic, erotic, and philosophic phrases that I never found before. and I don’t know if it is a coincidence or not, but this book answers my question about the non-monogamous relationship that has stuck in my head for a few months ago. 

by these points, I tolerate if one day I will have another non-monogamous relationship again. why do I say again? since last night I’ve just realized, I had almost never been in a monogamous relationship. I don’t say that it was always been a polyamorous shape, but it almost always happened between two persons with different characters and different kinds of expressions of love. but even though it is different, love is always love, right? 

people in monogamous relationships can be happy and hurt at the same time, and so do people in polyamorous relationships, right? there is no big difference between them. there is no absolute rule about an ideal relationship. the rule of the relationship is only decided by the people in that relationship. 

sometimes I wonder, what if it is true that capitalism and patriarchal society in the modern era have been idealizing monogamy in their own way so we can only see what has been represented in media? but on another side, I believe that every culture has its own way to see monogamous and polyamorous relationships. 

[laorquideanegra]

In A Conversation with A Friend

a few years ago, I had a conversation with a friend like this:

“I swear, I am not going to be in this job forever!” - I said it angrily because I was exhausted from something I couldn’t change or couldn’t enjoy. 

“Don’t say that. Maybe, one day you’ll love it? Who knows.” - She said with a mode between joking or serious, I couldn’t figure it out. 

but lately, I know why I still stay, even though 70% of it I don’t like my daily tasks. because my 30% is enough to cover it. if I don’t be in the place where I am right now, I am not witnessing many great moments. 

however, I still love to read books, to feed my curiosity with wisdom and knowledge from great authors. 

this was also what that friend had told me:

“Don’t read our publications. Read others.” and it works for me, plus now I can read in another language. that feels like I have found a pleasure again to read books. I remember once before I got my job that I have been there for 5 and a half years, I wanted a job where the salary was enough to buy a book and a cup of coffee every month. It became true, how innocent yet simple. 

I am still grateful for that, but still, I hope I won’t be forever having this job. 

[laorquideanegra]

a cup of coffee

you have warmed my heart with a cup of coffee that you bought for me this morning with a lovely smile.

[laorquideanegra]

enjoying my solitude. self-love, self-care.

no, I don’t isolate or distance myself from someone or anything else. no, I don’t change myself at all. no, I don’t hate someone or anything else. no, I don’t have problems dealing with people. no, I am not busy pursuing my dreams. no, I am not having fun with anyone. no, I haven’t found the love of my life.

I am physically and mentally happy right now. not that much happy, but I still can sense everything. sometimes I laugh, sometimes I cry, sometimes I get angry, sometimes I think of something, and most of all, I am fine. 

I am fine with just sitting and doing nothing. I am fine with just reading a book or writing my own diary. I am fine with just having my morning coffee. I am fine with just cooking my own food. I am fine with just watching a bunch of videos on Youtube. I am fine with just listening to some playlists on Spotify. I am fine with just learning languages by myself.  I am fine with just imagining my future by myself. I am fine with just contemplating the universe and the divine thing by myself. 

because right now, at this moment, I am enjoying my solitude, I am enjoying the positive vibes that resonate around me and trying to throw away the negative vibes that burden me. I am enjoying the world that should be. I am enjoying my own pace without looking at other people’s pace. I am enjoying falling, struggling, and getting up by myself. I am enjoying not hoping too much on everything. I am enjoying the way things should go on. I am enjoying accepting the past, and my flaw. I am enjoying changing my perspective on life slowly. I am enjoying ignoring the outsighters and staying true to myself. 

because it’s a sign of self-love and self-care. 

[laorquideanegra]

the most horrible sentences

I have just heard the most horrible sentences coming out from my friend that has been already aging and he said “I had lost my youth energy, even I don’t know what I want now” at his 40++ years old self. it is being a reminder for me to always chase what I want to minimalize saying these kinds of sentences to my future self. I don’t want to look back and complain about why didn’t start it earlier or why didn’t I chase it. just remember, chasing it doesn’t mean we have to be so obsessed with it, trying and making attempts are the most important thing to do. don’t expect the result and always see the good parts. I write it on my Tumblr so I can always read it every time I am at the lowest point of my life.

[laorquideanegra]

love is freedom: a letter to you, who gave me permission to be in your days

I would tell you a little secret. I loved you, that’s all. But if you wanted to be with me or not, that was your choice. As long as I could see your face in the morning, I could hear your voice yelling to me to help you cook lunch, I could be your only one call away, I could be your great listener, I could be the one who hugged you when you were sad, I could be the one who shared my favorite music and book, I could be the one who picked you up from school, I could be the one that accompanied you to the concert, I could be the one that had a strange nickname, I could be the one who held your hands while walking home from school, I could be the one who cheered you up in school competitions, or I could be your dad’s favorite. that was enough. because I truly loved you. because you had lighted the passion in my heart. because if you did not know this, I will tell you now, that I could live without passion, something that I felt inside my heart, something that was going to burst like a firework. the passion was not about you, but the feeling that I had for you. because of that passion, you made me being a better person. 

love is freedom. love is not possession. love does not mean ownership. I love you because I have the freedom for loving you. I love you because I have the freedom to feel what I feel for you. I love you because you have the freedom to love me back or not. I love you because you have the freedom to choose to be with me or not. I love you because you have the freedom to think, to feel, to act. I love you because you are a human being with all of yours, the good or the bad, the deficiency or the kindness.

[laorquideanegra]

por qué no me marcho

esta preguntita se acaba de salir en mi mente después de que ví la seria Paquita Salas esta mañana : por qué no me marcho de mi trabajo? o sea también por qué me he quedado casi cinco años y no me he ido a encontrar un nuevo trabajo? casi, cuando me ha pillado, cuando me ha aburrido, cuando yo estaba enfadada con la situación y las personas y luego me sentí como nada iba a cambiar, a veces pasé mi currículum a otras empresas pero al final nunca me habían cogido. qué patética esta niña, ¿no?

sí, puede ser tan pobrecita. pero en realidad, también estoy preguntando a mi misma ‘estas segura que vas a dejar algo que te gusta muchísimo? te lo has olvidado que este lugar es que donde deseabas tú cuando era pequeñita? los libros, las bibliotecas, las librerías...’ son que me han llevado para toda la vida porque a mi nada es más importante que mi pasión, mi encanto, mi alma. como la musíca, el arte, un libro es un milagro que adoro muchísimo. 

miré a Paquita que se acabó de levantarse después de los malos días y sigó viviendo como el representante artista toda su vida. todavía estoy joven y no sé de nada sobre mi futuro, pero estoy segurísima de que estoy en el camino correcto. no tengo unas pistas, no veo nada de predicción, pero todo lo que hago ahora, lo que deseo ahora, va a llegar en donde va a ser. pero lo que más importante es que yo disfruto eso, el camino que yo he vivido estos años. 

solo me tengo que recordar si existen los malos días o conozco a la gente que sea mierda, yo me he elegido mi vida y estoy bastante con eso. simplemente con despertarme por la mañana y yo tengo un libro sobre mi mesa. 

[laorquideanegra]

my Rose

something is popping up again from my mind. i have just listened to Me Fui song, written and performed by Molinette Cinema and Daniel Quien and suddenly i want to write about you. i think i had ever written about this on my tumblr some years ago, but i also deleted it because at that moment i was still confused about my sexual orientation. but, now i have more courage to re-tell about her. let’s just call her Rose and do a pilgrimage back to old gold days 15 years ago. 

Rose and i attended the same elementary school, the same junior high school, and the same senior high school. since we were in elementary school, we often joined the same extracurricular or some student competitions that were being held by the district or the regency. we were already closed since then. even though Rose is a little younger than me, i always enjoyed spending time with her. in the first place, we were just close friends and Rose considered me like her older sister because she has one big brother and three younger sisters. i remember, almost every night, i searched for an excuse to call her. whereas we had different grades and of course, we did not have the same homework or exam, but i always asked her how her day was, how her homework was, gossiping about other friends, or somehow i just pretended that i had a crush on a boy at school. i liked coming to Rose’s house and i liked inviting her to come to my house too. it seemed just like a normal and mutual friendship, right? but, everything had changed when we attended the same junior high school. 

we were growing up in the same hometown and there were only a few favorite junior high schools left. Rose and i were smart students, so it was not too difficult for us to be accepted there. still, we joined the same extracurricular because we both almost had the same talents in music. almost every day, we walked together back from school. i forget, but maybe when we were in elementary school, i also had already often walked together from school because our home had the same road. if we did not have an extracurricular schedule, we would stop by a small cafe where we liked to spend time together. at that time, we both just had a handphone, so we started to text every night. 

i realized when i began to have a feeling for Rose was when the necessity of seeing her every day was putting on. even if she had another extracurricular schedule or still had additional classes, i was willing to wait for her just because i wanted to walk her home and hold her hands. i always loved it when Rose asked for my hand in every moment and said “i like to hold your hand because they are like baby’s hand” and she would put it on her cheeks to feel its softness. even the last time i met her a few years ago, she still did the same thing, putting my hand on her cheek with the same expression. another thing that i really liked about that moment was when we walked together back from school and almost reached the crossroads, we would stop and we would kiss each other on the cheeks before saying goodbye. i did not know if it was a common thing or not, but i never saw her doing the thing like she had done to me with her friends and i had never done it with my other friends too. 

i also still remember clearly, whenever we got the chance to be together in a moment, she would be sitting next to me, holding my hand, or sitting on my lap, or when i was sitting and she stood up, she would put her hands around my neck. she did not care with the rest and always wanted to touch me. 

walking home together back from school

kissing each other on the cheeks at the crossroads

holding hands together in every moment

when i smiled at her, she would smile back at me

the words “i love you” that she always sent me before we were going to bed

supporting each other in the school competitions

Rose, if you read this, i wish you knew how much i loved you at that time. i know, we were just kids and we did not realize that it was more than just like that, but this is my version. i am so grateful for those old gold days that i spent with you. i will always remember them, the days when we were always holding hands and kissing each other on the cheeks :)