I write a lot about Min Yoongi here because he occupies my mind more than I could ever admit. Sometimes, Namjoon comes in second then there’s also this younger boy called, Jungkook. But I am a fan of them all, I promise.
I am also now dumping all of my kdrama thoughts in here.
this is unfortunately my side blog and therefore cannot reply to replies, I’d even be delighted if you message me or leave an ask.
Let’s be friends ✨
So here goes.
Please find the gist that is all of my written daydreams combined.
Forgive my mediocre writing, random content and I hope you have a good time. 👋🏻
Min Yoongi
Let The Pile of Good Things Grow - Series [abandoned]
No Signal - one, two, three [three-shot; completed]
Kim Namjoon
I look at you and I would rather look at you than all the portraits in the world. - [drabble]
i’m afraid no fictional boyfriend will ever top ryu sun jae because that man literally fell in love with his girl the second he saw her run up to him with that yellow umbrella and has not stopped loving her for a second even after 15 years and becoming a national pop star. in every time line he’s just completely in love with every version of her. each and every time he drops everything just to come save her.
even when she didn’t care about him in the slightest and was obsessed with some other guy, he loves her. when she suddenly becomes super obsessed with him and does the most insane whack shit ever, he just indulges her and follows her wherever she drags him because he loves her. even when she stands him up 15 years later only to show up as his supposed stalker he just welcomes her back into his life because he just loves her so much.
like that man would do absolutely everything for her no questions asked. she falls asleep during work hours and is about to hit her head? sun jae is there to catch it with his arm and stays in that position until she wakes up even though it’s uncomfortable as hell and he barely even knows her. she is stuck on the bus and couldn’t get off at her stop? sun jae runs after the bus and makes the driver stop it so she can get to school on time. she forgot her tie for her school uniform, about to get dress coded and punished? sun jae gives her his tie and takes the punishment himself. im sol gets kidnapped in three different timelines and sun jae is there in every single one ready to risk it all to save her.
I don't know if I can write anymore, but I had this idea of a plot this morning.
Something about being in a relationship with Namjoon, where he thinks he's all healed from the past. Thinking that he's finally in a relationship where he feels love, but ends up sabotaging it because he doesn't know what a "stable" relationship looks like. That he probably loves the idea of it but doesn't know what to do now that he has it.
Probably write the first part, showing how odd a stable love is for Namjoon sometimes. How he doesn't know what to do when the girl he loves knows how to properly communicate, addresses his needs, gives him quality time and space and makes sure he's the priority. Because he was used to the opposite.
And the girl is just mature not necessarily older but maybe an old soul. Loves the way he loves her, completely mesmerized by the fact that she's with someone like him. She's very patient by nature and loves art but sees it in a different way than Joon, loves to read too and would never admit that she's probably smarter than him because she looks at Namjoon like warm sunlight. Like a need, a necessity. Something to hold on to on a cold winter day, something you're thankful for every day even when it's raining.
There are just so many things that don't sit right with that ep 14. (And I won't be able to do my work today if I don't write it down.)
Honestly, I've been enjoying this drama because of its fast pacing and the way it resolves things fast and as clean as they can. I didn't mind the inconsistencies to be honest, and some gaps in history
like why the fuck was haraboji's gf, so mad in the first place anyway?? like yes she went to prison, had a son, left that son and worked for haraboji and then??
the 1031 baby miscarriage was fine not to be addressed (unfortunately, I can forgive that - given that I have friend who went through the same thing and honestly did not really confront or grieved that with her husband either - they never moved on, but never talked about it either, so fine - we move forward.)
But honestly, this episode is just different than the rest in an unsettling way.
First, the scenes were cut so weirdly... like honestly, what do they want us all to feel here? They had the most beautiful confrontation about life, yes they walked to the hotel without looking at each other. Yes, Hae In stayed true to her character not wanting other girls to look at Hyun Woo. But honestly, that shit felt shallow and her charcter could've been more. They could've walked into a restaurant after fighting, with Hyun Woo just holding her wrist and her noticing the small ways this unbelievable man takes care of her even when he's mad - opening the door, ordering her food, idk, slicing it for her. It could've been slow, it could've been realizing that he had wrinkles now, that he looked tired, that he was having a hard time too - realizing that she wanted to live and be loved by this man no matter what. That if given a chance, even as stranger she'd still surely fall in love all over again. Her as the stranger, NOT those girls who was just prying. They could've twisted that up in a melo way. (But of course, we needed the romcom so of course.)
I could not even begin to point out how weird that car accident was. As viewer, I already know she's not inside... I know that moment was needed but again for Hae In to somehow magically realize she wanted that surgery but that's just torture by now. After everything they've gone through in Yongduri, she already knows how loved she was. Things could've slowed down a bit. And I'm sure Kim Ji Won would've executed that brilliantly (hello, my liberation notes). Idk, Hae In could've had more stronger reasons to live, or that case could've been built differently. Hae In is not shallow but they made her that way and yes, by the time she'd be regaining or building her connection back to Hyun Woo that script will be back again not wanting anyone else to have him. (ugh, Hae In :( I need more!!)
Third of course, Eunseong - so far his character just became so predictable that it totally put me off. Honestly thought (based on the preview without any actual context, that Hae In would be in the car accident with Eun Seong and then he dies to save her so he can finally be someone who actually saved Hae In) but yeah. He came in so conveniently in the hospital that no one even bother to ask why this stranger is now the legal guardian of Hae In like come on. (I know it's kdrama but come on that was WAY TOO CONVENIENT)
And lastly, that fucking surgery. Every single build up, every single suspense gone. She woke up after 5-10 mins inside the drama not even a bandage to her head!! They've could've dragged that a bit, not make her wake up too soon. Mess with us up some more, have the doctors come in, tell them "these things take time". Make Eunseong nervous! But no, she had to wake up immediately. Like come on!! It could've messed with everyone if that was dragged a bit more to the next episode. They could've deported back Hyun Woo to Seoul while Hae In is still unconscious with the devil by her side. We could've been at the edge of our seats if suspense was all they needed and now it just felt too rushed and too much by now. And then, Hae In will be back in Seoul like nothing happened with her (physically) and then she's with Eun Seong now. Ugh.
But despite it all, I'm thankful for this drama. I'm still going to be there next week to see this through. Honestly, what a world-class acting from Kim Soo Hyun and Kim Ji Won.
I'm just wrapping up my thoughts so I can finally go on with my day.
okay babe, after working my 2 remaining brain cells I have come up with a request for my boyfiii/hubby joonie (joon's whores™️ pls rise up) 🫣 i'd love a childhood bestfriends to lovers, fluff and smut ofc (if inspo hits, maybe a tiny pinch of angst? if not, it's okay 😌) here are some prompts :
Having so many inside jokes that just the two of them know, that other people often don’t understand their humor.
“I’m just scared of losing you.” “Don’t think of it as losing, it’s more like evolving. You’re not losing your best friend, you’re getting something extra.”
and you know i'm extra, so here's some visual inspo (honestly, any excuse show off my domestic boyfriend pics 🫣)
okay okay love you to the moon and back 🌝, i am not sorry for the feral sounds that will come out of me once this thing is posted (i will need to be put down) ❤️❤️❤️
about love | knj (m)
>> pairing bestfriend!namjoon x fem!reader
>> genre/au's childhood best friends to lovers | fluff | smut | crack
>> summary during your trip to the aquarium, namjoon blurts out something that creates an unexpected turn to your friendship.
>> word count 2.8k
>> warnings dry humping | fingering | handjob | missionary | soft romantic sex :') | protected sex | namjoon being namjoon aka a clumsy cutie
>> author's note living for the boyfie pics of joon hehe i hope u enjoy this drabble baby. i included everything u mentioned (minus angst lol) i hope u don't fall more in love with joon after reading this sjdfhcsjd
[keep in mind that i do not have taglists for request, and prompts are marked in bold! thank you.]
Sundays meant one thing for you and Namjoon. It’s the day of the week where you both spend time together. This time, it was Namjoon’s turn to pick and usually he would pick an art exhibition or his favorite museum but, surprisingly enough he picked an aquarium.
You hadn’t been to one since you were five years old. It was on a school trip, you and Namjoon being forced to walk side by side and hold hands like the rest. That’s the only thing you remember — oh, and that silly inside joke that got created that day.
There’s something everyone knows about Namjoon. He’s incredibly smart. Ever since he was little he was always infatuated by random but very important facts — as he called them.
You were determined that jellyfishes were called roundy fishes. Which isn’t really a word but you were certain! It made sense to you, and Namjoon laughed when you shrieked how you were extremely excited to see the roundy fishes, until he discovered it was jellyfishes. Afterwards, he had made it his life mission to, one annoy you with the ridiculous name and two, give you every single fact about them.
Till this day, Namjoon still teased you with that.
The aquarium was the one from when you were small, basically where your friendship started to bloom. The thought of you being here with Namjoon almost 20 years later, made you nervous. A good nervous.
On your 20th birthday, you realized you were in love with Namjoon. It wasn’t even a special moment. He was just suddenly holding a silly tiny cake with a few candles and pushing you to make a wish as you blew on them. In that moment you had looked at him and something sparked in your heart. People would call it butterflies, but you called it a spark.
That spark never left. You weren’t exactly planning on ever telling him, his friendship meaning much more to you than ruining it by a confession.
Therefore, you kept it hidden. But, today he’s making it hard. Especially by showing up with a cute white sweater and his glasses.
Fuck.
“Ready to go see some roundy fishes?” Namjoon says, teasing you by knocking his elbow into yours.
“You’re still on that, I see.” You respond, trying to hide your smile as you both walk inside the aquarium.
The blue lights are all over the place, decorations of every living creature hanging on the walls.
Namjoon doesn’t even hesitate, dragging you by the arm directly towards the jellyfish.
You’re stunned by how beautiful they look. They’re moving in slow motion, creating what seems to be a whole different universe behind glass. It almost reminds you of the clumps of lava, floating in a lava lamp after you turn it on and let it sit for a few hours.
Somehow, you’re just standing in silence, admiring them silently while Namjoon stands next to you. He’s not saying anything either, but it’s a comfortable silence. It’s always like this with Namjoon. Just extreme comfort at all times.
You finally decide to turn your head towards Namjoon, noticing how he’s staring at you already. His expression is something you’ve never seen before. You can’t exactly pinpoint what he’s thinking, which is usually your best skill.
“What?” You ask.
“I’m in love with you.” Namjoon blurts out. Your eyes pop open by his words, mouth dropping silently as well.
What did he just say?!
“I—“
Namjoon seems to be getting out of his trance, smacking his lips and returning his gaze on the glass.
“Did you know that jellyfishes are 95% water?” Namjoon changes the subject quickly, spilling out every fact he has on your favorite fish.
“Namjoon.”
“They actually also have really short lifespans.” He continues, ignoring how you called out his name.
“Joonie.”
Namjoon returns his eyes to you. The nickname always does it for him.
“I’m sorry. I was just—“ He tries to explain before you cut him off.
“I’m in love with you, clumsy.”
Namjoon’s expression brings out a huge change. He begins to light up, almost turning the same color as the glowing jellyfishes.
“What.” He breathes out.
“Yeah.” You step closer.
“Holy shit.” Namjoon suddenly says. “You’re serious.” He points out, as if it wasn’t obvious before.
“You’re ridiculous.” You suddenly begin to laugh, your stomach feeling all kinds of weird because what just happened?!
“Wait. Since when have you..” He starts off.
“Since my 20th birthday.” You confess with confidence.
“Ha.” Namjoon chuckles. “I win.”
“Wait what?” You ask in confusion.
“Been in love with you ever since you called jellyfish roundy fishes.”
Fuck. He has got to be kidding.
“Please tell me you’re joking.” You say in disbelief.
“No. Five year old Namjoon was definitely onto something.” He admits, humor laced in his tone.
“Wow.” Your stomach just did a somersault.
“Meaning, he’s been waiting to do something for a really long time.” Namjoon explains, moving closer to you, both of your chests brushing against one another.
“Oh?”
Namjoon smiles, his dimples becoming prominent before he dips his head, his lips about to reach yours until—
“Wait.” You put a hand on his chest, causing his brows to furrow.
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m just… scared of losing you.” You admit.
There’s not really anything to be afraid of, you know that. But this is Namjoon. Silly, smart, clumsy Namjoon who’s been by your side for as long as you remember. This is scary. What if you mess up? Then you’ll eventually lose Namjoon and—
“Hey.” Namjoon catches you out of your thoughts.
“Don’t think of it as losing, it’s more like evolving. You’re not losing your best friend, you’re getting something extra.” Namjoon says, lightening up the room and washing every horrible thought away.
You nod, agreeing because he’s not exactly wrong. You’re just about to step into something else, but one thing that will never change is Namjoon being your best friend.
When Namjoon notices how you’re more relaxed, he takes the opportunity to finally kiss you.
It’s like everything around you stops the moment your lips meet. You feel like you’ve floated into a completely different place. Namjoon hesitates with giving you more than a peck, so just as he’s about to pull away, you grab his nape letting them touch again.
The kiss is slow. The kiss is the start of something.
Finally, you pull away. Namjoon can’t stop smiling and your whole body has turned warm.
Now, while you’re watching the jellyfish, Namjoon is holding your hand. They seem to fit so perfectly and your mind hasn’t even processed everything that just happened. But one thing you know for sure, is that you’ve never been happier.
The rest of the day, you walk around, Namjoon telling you everything he knows about each species. But it’s different this time, because each time he gets excited you get the urge to kiss him again and do so.
Namjoon doesn’t stop glowing the whole time you’re there, neither do you.
After a few hours, you both decide to head home. Namjoon sits in the passenger seat while you hum out the song playing on the radio.
When you finally arrive in front of his place, you both pause and look at each other again.
“Do you… want to come in?” Namjoon offers, scratching his neck while asking. A gesture he does when he’s nervous.
“I’d love to.” You seem more calm than he does.
“Oh, okay!” Namjoon gets excited, hurrying himself out of the car while you begin to laugh. You’re so in love with him it has turned ridiculous.
You’ve been in Namjoon’s apartment plenty of times. You could find everything with your eyes closed if you tried. This time, it’s a bit different. The atmosphere is clouded with love, while Namjoon scrambles to make you both some tea.
He’s excited, yes, but nervous too. He’s not the only one, you’re just better at controlling it.
When the tea has been made, you both sit down on his couch. He’s turned a few lamps on, the exposure of light dimmed which creates an oddly romantic vibe. Everything is unplanned. You’re just both living in the moment, talking and chatting about anything that comes to mind, while you play with his hair.
Something starts to shift when Namjoon stops talking about space, and decides to kiss you instead. The kiss is different from the first one. This time you’re both aiming for the same goal. Namjoon still seems hesitant, careful with moving his body closer to yours — which causes you to lead.
You pull Namjoon down on top of you, holding onto his waist as you continue to glide your lips above his. He tastes of peppermint tea, a taste you don’t really seem to mind.
It’s going somewhere you’re both aware of. Normally you would’ve been scared in such a situation, thinking you’re moving too fast but you’ve both been waiting so long for this moment that it doesn’t exactly feel like that.
Namjoon’s lips move from yours down to your neck, biting you gently before replacing it with his wet tongue. He’s really good at this. Fuck.
For the first time you’re already slightly panting by a minor action. It’s more the thought of it being Namjoon doing this, that he’s the one you’re currently making out with on his couch and not some random person from tinder or someone you met at the club. No. This is your best friend. Your other half. The one who’s apparently been in love with you ever since the first day you got to know him.
“I’m loving the extra things I’m getting.” You joke, running your fingers through his long strands while Namjoon giggles against your skin.
“Yeah, good you’re not missing out anymore.” What a cocky bastard.
“Mhm.” You hum, enjoying Namjoon hovering above you a tad bit too much.
“Wait. Are we doing this?” Namjoon pauses, removing his face from your neck. He’s looking at you, raising his eyebrow in question.
You pull him by the belt. “Yeah. We’re doing this.” You confirm, unbuckling his belt while Namjoon chuckles at your lack of patience.
But he’s no better himself, because before you know it he’s working his hands on your zipper, failing miserably but somehow making it work and opening them.
In sync, you both touch each other, groaning by the feeling. Namjoon feels big under your palm and he notices how you’re already wet from just a little hot make out sesh on his couch.
“Shit—“ Namjoon curses, sliding his fingers up and down above the fabric while you’re cupping him.
“Yeah.”
The sensation grows with every touch, a desperation coming to the surface. You’re certain Namjoon is going to fuck you on this couch, but he has other plans.
“Bedroom. Now.” He says in between pants. Too overwhelmed to form an actual sentence because holy shit you’re touching him, at this very moment. This isn’t a silly wet dream, no. This is real life and it’s about to happen.
It looks silly how you both get up so fast, running towards Namjoon’s bedroom as if there’s hidden gold in there. Namjoon closes the door even though he lives alone and you’re already laying down on his bed, waiting for him to join you.
The bed slightly dips when he joins you, grabbing your waist so you’re able to feel every inch of him as he kisses you softly. Your hands shamelessly feel his chest and arms, a weakness of yours when it comes to Namjoon and his body.
You remember the first time you saw him after a while, his shoulders broader and more toned. You tried not to show him how your eyes raked all over his body, checking him out with zero shame. Thankfully, Namjoon was too excited to see you to notice and you’re grateful for that.
But now, you can touch him there. Feel the edges of his muscles without having to wonder what they feel like. Fuck. You were right. They feel like a dream.
Namjoon moans against your lips when your hand moves upwards beneath his shirt, his soft skin burning against yours. You knew he had abs, he’s mentioned once or twice he was doing an abs workout when you’ve called him during his workout hours but— he’s truly ripped. The prominent edges of his abs tense under your touch and your mind is immediately sent into a whirlwind.
You grab onto his waist, moving him to hover above you once more. Although this time, Namjoon presses down on you, giving you a glimpse of how hard he is. He’s barely grazed his covered cock on you, and you’re whining beneath him, pulling him closer to kiss him more roughly.
The sounds Namjoon makes are unreal. He’s groaning softly, but moaning with a raspy tone. It’s almost a bit embarrassing how wet you’ve become by simply dry humping a bit and being blessed by hearing Namjoon enjoying himself above you.
You both go back to groping and touching one another, this time beneath the fabric that stands in the way. Namjoon’s cock feels heavy in your hand, the skin soft and the tip wet. You gain the courage to squeeze his cock gently, causing Namjoon to gasp while he’s dragging out his fingers on your slit.
You tense when Namjoon’s thumb begins to circle on your clit. Namjoon grows a smile at your reaction, continuing as he drags two of his fingers inside of you with ease. He curls them when they’re fully inside, petting your g-spot and making you moan. You return the favor, stroking Namjoon’s cock and squeezing by the tip, circling your thumb over it.
Now the question is, who’s going to give in first?
Namjoon pulls himself upwards, his fingers still inside you, taking his free hand to remove his glasses and place them on the night table. With that, he also reaches for a condom in the drawer.
As he moves downwards, he reconnects his lips with yours. The kiss is wet, messy and hot. It only makes you more excited to finally have sex with Namjoon.
You’re both moaning, moving your bodies in sync, in search of friction but nothing will beat Namjoon being inside of you. The lack of patience starts to show for you when you pull his pants and boxers till mid thigh. His cock springs free, moving closer to your core. Namjoon pulls out his fingers, grabbing onto his cock and makes eye contact with you.
You nod to his silent question, resulting in Namjoon to pull your pants and underwear completely off. You expect for Namjoon to get on with it, but instead he moves closer, grinding down on your naked core. His cock slips in between your lips, letting you feel him fully.
“Shit—” You gasp, overwhelmed by how good it feels.
“Yeah, baby.” Namjoon says in agreement, mouth slack as he continues to move. If he continues, you’re certain you can come like this.
“Joonie, please.” You bite your lip, preventing a moan from escaping your lips. “Need you.” You mumble against his skin.
You have never in your life seen Namjoon hurry as much as he does right now. He almost falls down on you, too excited to put on a condom. Luckily, he manages quickly, the condom sliding down with ease.
With that, Namjoon circles his tip by your entrance, teasing you a bit. It causes you to move your hips, trying to aim for his cock but you fail. Namjoon bites back a smile, and carefully he starts to thrust, sliding with ease. The stretch feels incredible.
After a few shallow thrusts, Namjoon manages to settle. He takes a second to enjoy how you feel wrapped around him before beginning to move.
Holy fucking shit. Namjoon thrusts like a God. You’re already on edge, barely having him inside of you but you feel yourself coming close to an orgasm.
Namjoon picks up a fast pace, grabbing both your hands and intertwining your fingers, settling them above your head. He gasps against your lips, biting down on them whenever you clench around him.
“You feel like a fucking dream.” Namjoon pants, smiling down on you. Your skin grows hot by his compliment, nearing an end.
With a few more thrusts from Namjoon, your back arches, a highly pitched moan slipping as you come undone all over him. Not long after, Namjoon’s cock twitches inside of you, spilling into the condom with a groan.
You both lay in each other’s arms, skin sweaty and warm. Namjoon pulls out with ease, tossing the condom in a bin before moving back towards you. He lays in your arms and your hands move upwards to his hair. He hums in satisfaction, loving how your fingers feel scraping his scalp.
“What do you want for breakfast tomorrow?”
You pause, surprised he’s asking such a thing.
“Why are you asking this when you can’t even boil an egg?” Namjoon gasps in offense, while you start to laugh over how ridiculous he is.
“It was worth a try.” He says, giving a small peck to your neck.
People kept glancing over at her and smiling because the whole train car smelled like lilies. When I complimented the bouquet, she told me she works in the flower district and gave me two stems 🥹🌸 New Yorkers love to talk trash about the subway but it still has some magic. Via
Today is such a high vibe day, I put on a nice sun dress - got my breakfast at 7 in the morning in Toby's and my cold brew and I just feel sooo good and happy, really looking forward to my dinner with my bestfriend today after months of not seeing each other.
And every morning, I play Yoongi's album like some kind of a ritual and it was only just today when I heard so clearly the 2nd line to this song and how it registered in my brain - since obviously, Korean is not my first language and yes I have studied and well stopped for a while.....
And how just really heard it and understood it...
And how it comforted me a lot....
항상 내가 있으니 너무 걱정은 말어 Don't worry too much, I'm always here. 추락이 두렵다면 기꺼이 받아줄게 And if you're afraid to fall, I will readily catch you.
그러니 나처럼 괴로워하지 말어 So don't suffer too much like me...
And somehow I wanted to tell Yoongi the same.
I hope as you wrap up your tour in the US that you found whatever it is that you're looking for, your long hair would always look lovely on you, you've worked so hard and that I'm so proud of you.
I have found in the drafts of my old ipad, my rough drafts for the last 2 chapters of let the pile of good things grow and how OC and Yoongi got together ☹️☹️ i hate my 2021 self for not finishing this story 😫 i hate how i was able to lay out the conversations already huhu everything i wrote before was already in the middle of the story. good god 😫
I saw this post about Joon deleting his photos on ig and i never really noticed it until i saw said post cos again i'm old (although joon is a tad bit older) and i just casually browse through social media from time to time. and well, we dont know the man - really, but we all know he's more than amazing and smart and ugh - the list could go on and on.
but there seems to be a lot going on with him and like any other lives, mine and yours - there are a lot of things we dont talk about, or share or even say out loud. we only get a sneak peak of who he really is or what he's actually like through his music that i'm so glad, he puts out there for the rest of the world to see and feel.
and i just wish and wish and wish for him to be okay.
i mean it's vague - it doesn't say much, it doesn't even feel comforting but i have this sudden urge to say to him.
please don't be so hard on yourself. be patient.
and it goes to everyone out there who needed to hear this too. there were always be a time where we drag ourselves to work, we get this heavy feeling in our chest, or we don't know why we feel that way or that feeling where the world is against us and so on and on and it could drag on for days or weeks or even months on end. sometimes, you thought you feel better then it goes away, and comes back even stronger than the last.
it's hard - it's tough. everyone's just going through something whether whatever we're carrying is heavier or lighter than the rest or the person you sat next to in a bus or in a train. point is, everyone's carrying something.
joon-ah, i hope you never lose the spark that museums give to you - go visit them all, if you must. i hope you slow down on the drinking part because alcohols are downers, my friend - it doesn't really help that much but fine, we're young - idk. i hope, as sensitive you are with your sleep - i hope you prioritize it. i hope you have a safe place for you to rest at the end of a long day - i hope you stop making homes out of people and i hope one day for you to find a person who'd call you home instead - or if you have found them then i'm happy for you but if not - i hope you take your time and just have faith - you'll be okay.
for the past weeks and days on end - my favorite playlists, long walks, favorite coffee - sunniest of days that used to bring so much energy to me is not doing its magic. i wake up early in the morning with anxiety, i go to work i log in and i feel like i want to vomit. i was just so down - i feel like i'm going to be down for days more and i just have to accept that fact but today, it felt a little bit more lighter. I didn't know i was going to get here. i just do the same thing again, i hoped that my long walks, favorite coffee and everything would just find me again - and today they did.
and for anyone else who needed to hear this too - i hope you be patient with yourself and as a person who admires a man, named kim namjoon - i hope we dont forget that he too is human. and i hope that us all, as human beings we try to be a tad bit kinder - to anyone really.
and for you who have reached the end of this post, i just want to tell you that i'm proud of you and namjoon is proud of you too. duh, he says that all the time - some days you believe him, some days you don't but it's okay, it doesn't change its meaning.
"Hey, you knew the owner of the wine place down at 5th avenue right?" Looking up from your phone, you were trying to picture the place at 5th avenue for good few seconds and then it hit you.
Of course, you did.
"What's the name of the place again? Rkive?" You frowned at the image of the said owner. "Yeah, we went to university together." You finally answered your friend. "That felt like years, I haven't thought about him in years." You lied.
He went to high school with some of your coursemates too but for some reason, he doesn’t mingle too much. He’s sociable yes, but keeps a small crowd. And you always wondered why he let you in his small crowd. You were awkward, small and just minding your own business. During your breaks, you hang out with your high school friends and drink beer during lunch. You have a small set of friends that likes the weird stuff that you do too and he feels different to you.
Speaks in flawless english, when you can’t even utter a complete sentence without choking. You preferred speaking in your local language, and every time he tries, his accent shows and it makes you laugh and he laughs. He makes good eye contact every time he talks to you, while you do your best to avoid it. He’s tall, cute, talkative and quiet all at the same time. It intimidates you. His family owns a wine shop franchise all over the country but he’s not a rich spoiled kid. He just has his own world, the world you do your very best to avoid.
You were together in a couple of classes before he decided to shift to business school and you continued on to your pre-med. He’d message you in his small nokia phone, while everyone else was using blackberry then. He’s proud of it, he said the only person he messages is his driver so he doesn’t need a fancy one anyway. He didn’t think it was weird. And you find it amazing how unapologetic he his.
He’d always message you before class, if there’s anything going on. He’d always say, “Okay you’ll review me tomorrow.” and ended up knowing more than you ever did in that class. Scoring even higher than you on quizzes that he claimed ‘you’d have to review with him the next day’ and you’d roll your eyes at him. He’d message you, asking for something and you’ll reply in short messages - too self conscious when it comes to him.
He’d randomly give you old songs and you’ll just reply, “Sure, I’ll listen to it.” And that ends the conversation, but you listen to that song over a hundred times and you never told him. In the middle of it all, came a friend of yours, Byul. She’s amazing, outspoken and cute. When she came around, she was just smitten with Namjoon as you did. Only difference was, she was telling every other one of your friends of how amazing he is. Constantly talking to him. In classes you had with him, Byul would be there while you ended up looking like a third wheel each time. Byul and Namjoon got along so well, they’d talk about travels and Batman and places they’ve been. Not that you’ve never been in those places too before but you just don’t open up well - or don’t open up at all.
And since you didn’t mind, and Byul was literally coming after him - you just silently backed off. To you, it felt like you lost a fight you never had a chance with. Although at that time you knew, he likes being friends with you - but you were young, easily intimidated, not sure of themselves yet so even as friends you bailed.
The last class you had with him was with Byul, it was first week of the new semester - you were surprised when someone behind you poked a pen on Byul’s back and when you turned - it was Namjoon. He even switched seats and they started talking and he’d tap you in the head, all friendly and smiling saying he was so glad that we were all in the same class.
After that 1st class orientation, you dropped out of it - opted to take a different a section for the same course. Didn’t even told them why.
Before you graduate, you saw him in campus a couple of times - with casual hi and hello around the hall. Not one true conversation.
And years later he just faded into history.
Couple of times when you run past one of their wine shops, you remember him. You smile sometimes and ever wondered why you never bumped into him. Maybe the world isn’t as small as you think it is.
Until couple of years later, you’re out of the university, you’ve had your fair share of failed relationship (just one where it lasted for 3 years), you never pushed through with medical school. But you’re happy and life was good to you. And then you saw his name requesting to follow you on instagram, and it made you smile - first thing you did was share it to Byul, telling her that the Great Kim Namjoon is finally on social media, who knew. You thought that would spark something again between them, it didn’t. Byul didn’t follow him, and he doesn’t follow Byul. You both have 7 common following, couple of his highschool classmates that were on the same freshman classes as you did and in that common crowd, you were again - the only one not part of it.
And like reflex, you avoided him again. Muted his stories, and try your very best to avoid it. Not wanting to him to know, you liked seeing his stories. His photos were all from his travels in Tokyo, Africa and in Europe, in yachts, in wineries, his hikes in Scotland and ski trips in France. To you he’ll always feel too far away. The life he lives was just too much - even a couple of years later he’ll always feel the same.
And then last year August 20, 2022 - you were casually browsing through twitter following less than 100 people, 50 people of which are just people from university and high school because at that time it just made sense to follow each other and the rest was probably just meme accounts. When you stopped by a tweet of an old friend in university, photo was that of her and a guy. Her chin, resting on his shoulders with a glass of wine in front, photo cropped from half of their faces, and you can only see their smiles. And you were blinking hard, and you just knew.
He doesn’t like getting his picture taken.
There was this homework in class that had to be done as a pair and you need to take a photo with your partner together as a proof and had to be submitted and he only took a picture with you once - your hair was even all over the place, he was inches away from you. It was an awkward picture, you swore it was somewhere hidden in your facebook account that you no longer use for years. But you know that smile.
You couldn’t really imagine what he would be like as a boyfriend.
And when you saw who his girlfriend is, somewhere in your head just says it just made sense. She was a former classmate of his in highschool, they have the same circle of friends, ran for university student president, former cheerleader, graduated cumlaude and now a middle school teacher. They have parties and friends coming over at their place and he smiles in photos now.
*
Sister: Don’t forget to grab a bottle of wine for tomorrow’s dinner.
Was the message your sister sent you 3 hours ago, only to open it right before you enter your car. Hands full of groceries, except for the one thing everyone is probably reminding you to get, but you keep on forgetting anyway. Putting the rest of your bags on the trunk of your car, you scan and squint your eyes through the shops nearby. You walked for a bit only to find yourself at the door of Rkive, you’ve been in several of their branches and everyone knows they carry they best wines in town. Saving you from all the trouble, you didn’t realize that they have just opened a branch near your studio.
You went inside and enjoyed peeking through their collection, despite the fact that you already know what to get anyway. It’s like looking at the menu of your regular restaurant, pretending to scan through the menu even though you know it so well and still ordering the same thing that you do. Once the wine was picked and you’re ready to go - a man of familiar tall frame came into view, from the far end of the hall he smiled looking at you.
“Well, well - long time no see. I probably should ask if you still remember my name.” as he moved closer to you.
You smiled at him, doting on the fact that the had changed but you still notice that distinct voice he has, “I should be the one asking you that.” And he laughed. You remembered that one.
He asked you if you have time to taste a new bottle of wine they have just imported for the opening of this branch. And you gladly took his offer and sat across the from him on a high chair in his shop.
“So what have you been up to?” as he poured your glass and fixed some cheese along side. “Are you a psychiatrist now? Should I be calling you, doctor?” He eyed on you cheekily. “Nah, none of those plans panned out. I bailed.” He was surprised of your sudden honesty. And in the shared laughters and stories, trying to fill each other of the years that had gone by with vague stories of work, common friends and travels but never really going into details. Because over the years, you just got so used to being ambiguous and other people didnt mind. But somewhere between the 3rd and 4th glass of wine, you just have to ask, “I know you and Chaeyong have been friends since high school - but really, how did that happened?” You just have to ask. He laughed, “What? You never imaged me having a girlfriend.”
Shaking your head playfully, “Nope, not you - I mean, but it does makes sense I guess. The two of you coming together or i mean - being together. Guess, for me you just have so much in common.” And you look at his face, not sure if it was the alcohol getting into you brain but he looks at you with somehow a sad expression in his face and you immediately thought that it was probably something that you said, that you probably should’nt have said. “And of course, I don’t know both of you - so I obviously don’t know what I am saying.” He sipped on his wine shortly and said, “It’s not that - it’s just.. you don’t talk to me this much before. And I’m just happy to see you all chatty now.” You felt your stomach drop in his sentiment and you let out a huge sigh. Looking at your glass of wine. “I had this crush on you before, Namjoon.”
You smiled and looked at him, “Of course, I can tell you this now because it’s been 10 years - but I did. It’s not that. I wasn’t naturally chatty, it’s just that you intimidate me a lot before. I was just a kid, I didn’t know who I was or what I want.” You see him nod a little and avoiding eye contact too. “But I talk to you a lot, too much - really that I feel like you’re probably just sick of me. Telling me stuff like, ‘Alright, we’ll get it by tomorrow.’ or like, ‘Alright, should be fine.’ Literally dismissing me with one-liners even. Sometimes it’s even just “yup” - there was even this one time where you don’t even answer my calls anymore.”
And that made you laugh so hard, “To be completely fair to you my friend, I still hate answering phone calls till this day.”
“It’s not your fault. We were in college, and on summer break you were in Africa, you called me from Africa - asking me if I could enroll you on that elective class before and I did anyway. You have different life than mine, at that summer I was just here - sleeping. We have nothing in common. I didn’t know what to say. You ask me for a favor each time and I do it anyway, you asked me to listen to this song - I didn’t know the song, but it was good - so I listened to it anyway.” Trailing and not knowing what to say next anymore.
“So that’s why you just left that class out of the blue and never made contact with me ever again?”
“Yeah - you know, if you can’t handle things then it’s just best to avoid them but now - things have changed. I’m no longer the same girl, you’re no longer the same guy. And I’m sorry - if I just left like that.” He lift his glass for a bit and clinked on my glass before drinking.
Somewhere along the 7th-8th glass, in which you were sure at some point he opened another bottle and that topic of 10 years ago has already been forgotten. Your phone vibrated, only to remind you that it’s already your bed time and you panicked.
You stood abruptly that it startled him, “I have to go now.”
“Why? Why? Is there something wrong?” You must have been really tipsy by now that everything he does makes you laugh.
“No, Joon - it’s just way past my bedtime and I have to go.” He looked relived.
“Alright, let’s pack up and let me walk you to your car.” You nodded.
Just a few meters away from his shop, is your studio - you make hand crafted ceramic pots now, these days you’re developing a possible candle vessel that might be a new business for you so you barely left your studio until this evening. You stood in front of your car, and gesture to shake his hand and he looked at you confused, “Come on.” you grab his and shook it.
He opened the door to your car and still holding onto the handle when he said, “Let me know if you got home alive.”
“How am I supposed to do that, I don’t have your number.”
“Let me give you mine.” He took your phone from your hand and dialed in his number and rang his as proof.
You’ve had a couple drinks, you can still drive and clearly you can still see his phone - when he raised it to show you, “See.”
You never changed your number not in since freshman year in college, and your number is still saved on his phone.
You saw your name flashing.
“You still have my number?”
“Yeah, I mean - I don’t have a lot of contacts.”
“Your Nokia phone, does not have icloud… it couldn’t possibly be stored from where?”
“You’re drunk.”
Pushing you to get inside your car and covering head enough just so you won’t bump it. Closing the door and turning his back on you.
You rolled your windows down, just to see him walk away more clearly.
A/N: Not proof-read. Forgive me. This is just my way of ventin this is just a story that I would just like to put into rest and never think again. It’s been 10 years and I shouldn’t be remembering this at all.
To you,
I’m writing this one because in fiction - I can finally have closure.
If in the future I bump into you, wish I can tell you the same thing.
