January 4th, 2020
Oh how things have transpired and changed over the last year. I was hanging on by a thread the last time I wrote it seems. & it fucking sucks because I look at that post and I wonder how much longer I stayed in the relationship than I should have. Things ended September 26th officially. It’s been over 3 months now - and things are still hard. I’ve found myself recently really struggling a lot more than I did the first 2 months. Holidays and birthdays are hard so I imagine that’s why I’ve been feeling the way I feel. I think I really just miss the idea of companionship and having someone to do things with or cuddle when you’re lonely - it’s hard getting used to the fact that you need to get comfortable with someone new in order to have those small luxuries again. I’m at a place now where I think if someone walked into my life who was worth knowing my heart is more open to the idea. With that said though I am also fucking terrified of getting hurt and putting myself out there. I hungout with an irish guy lastnight who was the first person i’ve felt a connection with since Jared. & today i’m reminded how annoying it is to be a girl who waits around by the phone waiting for him to text. I need to learn how to play it cool and not be too available again because right now I am SO BAD AT THAT!!! My goal is to not check my phone every 5/10 minutes like an annoying typical girl because at the end of the day if he is interested he will reach out and speak to me.... & if he isn’t interested than shit that obviously sucks but there will be other dudes out there that are. Need to keep reminding myself of this mantra as I am in no rush to move on and i’ve been very humbly reminded how difficult it is to actually find someone who wants the same things as you and who is similar to you, so that realization has been hard for sure. 2020 is the year of me though. If i get hurt - i get hurt. I don’t want my heartbreak and dissapointment with Jared to jade me from ever allowing love into my heart again. I want to take risks, i want to feel deep, because feeling something even if it is pain or dissapointment is better than feeling nothing at all. We will see where this year takes me, i’m hoping to positive and good places.

















