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January 4th, 2020

Oh how things have transpired and changed over the last year. I was hanging on by a thread the last time I wrote it seems. & it fucking sucks because I look at that post and I wonder how much longer I stayed in the relationship than I should have. Things ended September 26th officially. It’s been over 3 months now - and things are still hard. I’ve found myself recently really struggling a lot more than I did the first 2 months. Holidays and birthdays are hard so I imagine that’s why I’ve been feeling the way I feel. I think I really just miss the idea of companionship and having someone to do things with or cuddle when you’re lonely - it’s hard getting used to the fact that you need to get comfortable with someone new in order to have those small luxuries again. I’m at a place now where I think if someone walked into my life who was worth knowing my heart is more open to the idea. With that said though I am also fucking terrified of getting hurt and putting myself out there. I hungout with an irish guy lastnight who was the first person i’ve felt a connection with since Jared. & today i’m reminded how annoying it is to be a girl who waits around by the phone waiting for him to text. I need to learn how to play it cool and not be too available again because right now I am SO BAD AT THAT!!! My goal is to not check my phone every 5/10 minutes like an annoying typical girl because at the end of the day if he is interested he will reach out and speak to me.... & if he isn’t interested than shit that obviously sucks but there will be other dudes out there that are. Need to keep reminding myself of this mantra as I am in no rush to move on and i’ve been very humbly reminded how difficult it is to actually find someone who wants the same things as you and who is similar to you, so that realization has been hard for sure. 2020 is the year of me though. If i get hurt - i get hurt. I don’t want my heartbreak and dissapointment with Jared to jade me from ever allowing love into my heart again. I want to take risks, i want to feel deep, because feeling something even if it is pain or dissapointment is better than feeling nothing at all. We will see where this year takes me, i’m hoping to positive and good places.

January 12th, 2019

It is so difficult arguing with the person you love and being unable to find a common ground. I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately, as stupid fights keep coming up about dumb things. Today felt different though. It’s my birthday next weekend and it is also one of Jared’s friends. His friend was sending me multiple messages telling us to come up to kelowna for it and basically telling me to drop everything to come up for his bday and to let Jared out of my custody so he could go up. I have struggled throughout the past nearly 3 years of our relationship with Jared’s friends. They're immature, have no aspirations in life, and have always looked down on our relationship together. Jared downplays us to his friends and it is really getting to me. I’ve been sitting around lately thinking is this really what I want? Do I really want to be with someone who when we have an argument just gets rattled and yells, and points out my flaws and makes me feel like shit, instead of having a calm adult conversation to sort things out? I’m really confused, because I always thought I saw a perfect life with this man, but when I see how his communication is with me I wonder if he would ever speak to a child like that, and it scares me that I might be making a terrible mistake. I want to believe he can change, I want to believe he will grow up - but how long can I sit and wait for that to happen? Yes I get over emotional and am insecure as hell, my own issues that I really need to figure out how to work through, but he needs to figure out what he wants and who he wants to be. When I see messages to his friends saying he's rattled that he won't be in Kelowna for his friends bday (also my bday) then of course that is going to upset me because it makes me feel unimportant. As a man you don't have many jobs in this world besides to make a women feel loved and desired, which i feel like is pretty easy because a little effort goes a long way. When he's with me and its just us things are perfect, i see everything in him, but when he's around other people sometimes I look at him and think wow is that really the kind of person I want to be with? To say I have a lot to think about is a small statement. I love this person more than anything but I think he lacks empathy and kindness sometimes, which are 2 extremely important qualities to me for a man I’d look for as a husband. I don't know, I don't need this stress in my life right now either. If any miracle can make him realize that he's been unfair lately than please do it. Do your work and make him realize his lack of compassion and teach him the ability to see someone else’s perspective and why they are hurt. He’s going to need to see both sides and be compassionate soon or else I don't see this going much further, I need someone who makes me feel better and not worse when I bring up conversations and insecurities. Man this is the first time i’ve ever admitted any of this on paper, feels good to get out and hoping things can improve soon.

August 19th, 2017

2 days post break up: Well here we are, the past 48 hours have been the most painful, gruelling hours of my entire life. I guess I should just start from the beginning, this is my attempt at trying to find closure. On Thursday Jared was supposed to be driving up to visit me and spend a fun weekend with me but things turned for the worse when he decided to break my heart and continue the drive on to Kelowna instead. Leading up to these moments I was completely blindsided and led to believe everything was ok, and then I got the most confusing conversation sprung on me of my life. I was really angry, really confused, and really caught off guard. He told me he can't continue a relationship with me, he can't do long distance because he needs to do this for himself and that he can't talk to me anymore and doesn't see a future with me. he sounded completely cold the entire conversation and like the thing was rehersed and there was no raw emotion, i felt like i didn't even know him and that our whole relationship was a lie. the hours after the initial breakup were terrible, confusing, and emotional. My mom slept next to me and held me as I cried myself to sleep, and still only got 4 hours of it. I woke up early crying the next morning and had to face work and try to put on a tough face. I was so emotional at work, nothing went well and I tried to stay as strong as I could but it wasn't easy. I forced myself to go out with some girlfriends, knowing that I would likely run into him, but knowing that it was something I needed to do instead of hiding and cowering. I saw him out and he couldn't even look at me, being in a bar with the person that you are in love with and not even talking to them has got to be one of the most lonely feelings in the entire world. I reached out to him asking to meet up the next morning after having time to process things in order to ask some questions. This is where we are right now today. This morning I met him at 7am to address everything with him. he met me outside of Playa and we took the elevator up and the first thing he said to me was that he didn't like seeing me out last night, and i said that i knew that considering he couldn't even look at me. We got into his friends apartment and went into a bedroom and both just hugged one another and sat down to talk. We both started crying, he couldn't stop apologizing for everything and saying that he wished things weren't this way and that they could be different. He told me that I will always be the most important person in his life and that I taught him so many good things about himself and taught him how to love. He said he will never forget me and that he can't put me through long distance when he can only give 50% into it while I'm putting 100% because it wouldn't be fair to me and I deserve better. I know what he is saying is completely right and that I do deserve better, I deserve somebody who will give me the entire world and make sacrifices no matter how hard things may be in order to be with me. He said he wished we had met 5 years later, or that things were different. The conversation was so much more honest then the rehearsed on the day before. It was hard. He kept holding me close and telling me how broken and not ok he was. How he doesn't know how he's going to be okay from this. Since then today we have been texting a little bit and have agreed to still stay in touch, although we can’t talk for awhile I think because this is going to be so difficult to get past. We both deleted photos and one another off of instagram and social media while we were together in order to avoid a more intense hurt of doing it when we weren't with one another later. Since then all i have wanted to do is talk to him and tell him i miss him, all i wish was that we were together even though I know i deserve better. I know that this healing process is going to take some time, and that I'm only on day 2 and things will get easier day by day, but right now things are hard. Its impossible to keep my mind in a healthy mindspace where he isn't existing in some way. Tonight i’m going to try and get my mind off of things by going out to the roots and blues festival, but i know it won't be easy. I just long for a day when i can sleep and eat properly and finally feel back to myself, I don't want this break up to consume me and control me. Day by day.

February 26th 2017

So much has changed and I don’t even know where to begin. Things have looked up, they really have. I’ve been in a relationship for the past 11 months with somebody that I know really cares about me, although sometimes things can get hard. I don’t think any relationships really come easy though, at least the ones worth keeping don’t. Always requires hard work to make things work. I am taking this semester off school and have been working full time, and i am so anxious just awaiting the letter of if i have received an interview or not. I don't know what I will do if i don’t even get an interview, i know i’ve done all i can but that would really make me feel hopeless when it comes to school. As far as everything else, i’m just trying to find new friends and people I have things in common with because I really don’t have many “real” friends these days. From the outside looking in it may look as if I have lots of friends and have it all together but I could probably count on just one hand how many of those friends would actually be there for me if something happened, I don’t feel like anybody other than my boyfriend and my family really have my best interest and feelings at heart to be honest. Ahhhh life is just so confusing and insane to try and figure out, can’t somebody just hand me a blueprint to follow instead of having to stumble through life and figure it out on my own? Grr. Anyways I should try to write more often, missing some vital years of my life considering the last time I wrote i was 19 and now I'm 21 haha, oh my.