Coffee Kisses

Fen | 20 | SoCal

[lattepoems-blog]

words fail when i see your soft smile and your hands hold mine. i feel at peace and the storm brewing inside of me stops, and calms, and withers to nothing but faint rumbles of thunder. you kiss my face and promise me that you love me even when i am difficult, or particularly sad. you refuse to leave, even when i think you'll finally have had enough of me. i am too much and too little- a familiar mantra that repeats in my head, but you don't care. you know that i could be someone better, something better, and you strive to pull me to the light everyday. quietly, i wonder how you manage to be by my side so often when i am such a force of nature, while you are such a steady force of stability. you remind me that youre not going to leave no matter how many times i ask to be reminded. my words fail but your words take their place, breathing life back into mine.

words; 2:34 am, Out of My League

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The warmth I get in your arms will never compare to what the sun offers me on a cloudless day. I wish I could hold your hand in mine every moment and feel the soft press of your lips on mine every second, but fate is not so kind. Instead, I'll keep the moments of our legs intertwined and your breath against my skin close to my heart when you're miles away and I feel the loneliness set in, a chill that only you could ever cure.

LDR

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I have to keep unlearning this bitterness that threatens to rip me, and everything I love, apart. Do not give into the dark thoughts and the familiar tug of loneliness, I tell myself, but I still end up pushing everyone away. I am tired of myself and tired of existing and tired of being so broken that I end up breaking other people.

4 am

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i am quiet and tired and sad, darling, and it's 1 am and you're asleep, miles away, but these thoughts are brewing in my head. i am a mess, metaphorically and physically (when was the last time i ate, drank, and slept? i ask, but get no reply), and you are the embodiment of the closest thing to perfection on this hell of a planet. and yet, you still hold me in your arms, when we're together. you ask me to take care of myself and run your hands through my hair when the world feels like it is trying to kill me; you promise me i'll be okay because i'm not who i think i am- i am too harsh, too cruel to myself. i am sorry for being me and trying so hard to get better, to be happy, but i always end up back here, at the ocean's depths, drowning myself even though you're trying to pull me up. im trying, darling, doing my best to get better for the both of us and you smile, kiss my head, and tell me 'okay,' like these set backs don't bother you because I'm trying to recover, and that's enough to you. it's not enough to me; i need to be the best, for you. i guess i do not understand you, strength and warmth personified into a single body with a blinding smile and sparkling eyes. but i do love you.

1 am and drunk on love, alcohol, and twisted thoughts

[lattepoems-blog]

it's not supposed to be about who you used to be but rather who you can be, years down the line when these tears dont fall nightly and your skin isnt marked with angry red lines. youre going to find good days amongst the bad when wanting to die isnt in the front of your mind for once and maybe youll be able to set aside the alcohol and the cigarettes and the pills and the knives and the bad relationships for a few minutes then a few days then a few months then a few years and you will see light again. you will still walk under rain clouds but the sky will peak through and you will be able to look down at your empty coffee cup then into the eyes of the one that you love, or if you rather your friend's eyes that shine with admiration because you will meet people who see your potential, your ability to continue on, and these people will want to see that smile meet your eyes. and even though your hands still shake and sometimes you want to scream because the world is too much you will be at a place in your life when you can breathe better, breathe easier, than you used to, and that is going to be a beautiful moment. you will see cute animals, go on grand adventures, find the small reasons to live. you will look back on this night or this day or this godforsaken afternoon when your voice is hoarse from sobbing and screaming and you dont have a single reason to live but you found reasons to anyway, like tasting the best coffee or finally going to that one place, meeting that one person or doing that one thing. and you will see that life is a journey with many ups and downs and it's painful, i know, but you will also see that your journey isnt destined to end today or tomorrow or the next day because you are you and you deserve to get to a point where your smile reaches your eyes. even if it's for a moment, even if it's after years of nothing but trauma and bad nights and bad decisions. you could have years worth of scars along your skin, hospital  admittances, broken relationships and a mentally unstable mind but i still know you can be someone great. because it's not supposed to be about who you used to be but rather who you can be.

through clenched teeth: 4 am, youre worth it

[lattepoems-blog]

You don't get to say that this was my fault, darling, because we destroyed each other. Angry nights and sad mornings and tear filled shouts; our relationship was marked for death from the start. Six years on and off, breaking my heart and dancing away, letting you go and clawing you back in. You were never meant for my arms and I was never meant for your side; a truth you never wanted to admit. But I took a step back, and I gave this up. The good moments were never worth the bad, darling, my love, my heart. A thousand apologies spill from my lips but none will ever bring comfort to this mess. I hope you find a better love in the soft kisses from girls who watch you as you walk, the boys who want to hold your hand and slide their hand on your thigh: they all offer you things I cannot, things I could not. And I know it's for the best even if it hurts and even if it tugs at the rips already here, between us, because if we don't leave there's going to be nothing left but alcohol  and tear stains, the only memories of us a blur.

Broken nights and broken hearts and we broke each other

[lattepoems-blog]

We bump arms, bump shoulders, but not hands, not yet. Talking comes easy when it's you; everyone else I flinch away from, try to find an excuse to escape, but with you, I could talk for hours. Even though I'm interested in very few things ("video games, coffee, and photography," you joke, knowing me too well) I'd like to add you to the list, add you to the topics I write about, add a place for you in my heart.

Out of My League: Closer

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Dont repost pls // Original posted on Instagram @ Lattepoems

[lattepoems-blog]

I have watched you from afar for months, quietly wondering how your hand would fit in mine and how your lips would feel against mine and how your body warmth would feel against mine. I have opened up to you about my issues, quietly wondering if I would scare you away with every discussion, quietly surprised that you still held strong. I have slowly gotten the courage to ask, quietly wondering if you knew or if you'd agree or if you wanted this, or me. It's 1:40 am and I wondered out loud if you wanted to hang out. It's 1:41 am and you, without pausing, answered yes.

Out of My League: Or I suppose, you are.

[lattepoems-blog]

Posted on my Instagram: Lattepoems 🦊

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Posted on my Instagram: @ Lattepoems 🦊

[lattepoems-blog]

and your smile is more beautiful than all of the californian sunsets i've ever seen nothing else can amount to the warmth you radiate, not even the sunniest of summer days and i think that resting my head against your chest would be the safest place, the softest pillow i could ever have even though you do not think you are beautiful (you are extra pounds of warmth and love and joy that do not make you ugly)  even though you do not think you are lovable (i have never met someone so deserving of love) even though you do not know of my thoughts, my heart, my feelings  i want you to know that i am in awe that i can exist at the same time  as something not perfect, but still so amazing as you

Out of My League 

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Posted on my Instagram: Lattepoems 🦊

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and darling there will be no epilogue after my death because no one will notice that i do not breathe. and so my ashes will be packed away or blown into the wind forgotten, just like how i was in life.

[lattepoems-blog]

And you're asleep 'cause you're tired of my shit, and I'm awake and sitting on my bedroom floor because I'm tired of me too. A million apologies form beneath my clenched teeth but I don't want to call; how many times are you going to talk me down when I get this way? Too many if we keep trying, so this is goodbye. I'll miss you and I love you but I think you'll be happier when I don't wake up.

4 am

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A little hard to read 🦊