Why is it that the one thing we all want in life, can also be the hardest thing to obtain? Happiness.
That's all that anybody ever wants, right? Then why is it such a damn hassle to be happy?
I feel like my brain and my heart are in a constant battle to see which one wins over my rationale. They're constantly fighting and pulling on both sides of my thoughts.
I'm not even sure if I am making sense. But, thats what writing is for. To write down thoughts, no matter how erratic they are, and try and figure out what point I am trying to make.
I look around and see people that are in these relationships, that for all I know are perfect. Sure, they probably aren't, but thanks to horrible romantic comedies, you can't help but think that every relationship runs its course like a movie. Where all mistakes are forgiven, all horrible events have a happy ending, and where a couple over comes all odds to be together.
It's such crap, cause it's not true. Movies tend to portray humans as being inherently good at the end of the story. But that's so unrealistic. Especially for people like me, who so badly wishes her life was run like a movie. I'd love to have the option to call "CUT" in the middle of a disaster and be able to start over.
I hate growing up. But it's not because of all the responsibilities of taxes, bills, car payments, rent, etc. I hate growing up because I hate being so aware of the world.
When you're a little kid, all you know is your tiny world that you are surrounded by. You go to school, do your homework, play outside with friends, go to sleep and then start over. It was simple, basic, and sure we would get in trouble in between those steps, but it wasn't anything that could have a detrimental effect on your life. Like ya know, an arrest charge or manslaughter.
But the older you get the more you see what the world is like. The more you find out how shitty people are, and the few that are amazing are far and few between the shit heads. Life no longer is black and white, all that exists in adulthood is the gray matter. And let me tell you, I fucking hate it.
I've learned that, choices are no longer a matter of "point A or point B". It is point A through Z along with subsections to each point, subsections to those subsections. What the hell life? What makes that many choices necessary?
It's like when you go to the grocery store to get Ranch, but yet there are over 20 options of different types of Ranch's. Thats unnecessary and unbelievably overwhelming. I don't need that many types of Ranch to choose from, I just want the one that tastes the best and the most authentic. (Cause let's be honest, so many types of Ranch taste like a garlic bomb in your mouth - nobody wants that, or at least you shouldn't).
I miss the age of clearly drawn boundaries. I miss simplicity. The moment things become difficult its hard for me not to remove myself from the situation. How crappy is it that that is how I react to difficult situations? I just remove myself. That has become my go-to reaction to anything requiring a tough decision. If I take myself away from the situation, I don't have to deal with the mental capacity of making a decision that I probably will never be happy with. Because I will always be looking back with the horrible question of What If?
What a horrible plague of a question, the What Ifs, the would-a, could-a, and should-a's of this world. Its almost a form of a disease, cause the moment those thoughts enter your mind, it's practically impossible to listen to anything other than that irrational created by those pointless thoughts, questions, and ideas.
But then again, I know that without difficult choices, it would be hard for anyone to grow, mature, and improve. It's because of options and choices that allows humanity to evolve and grow. It's like no matter how much I want to avoid being an adult, I can't. Like it or not, I am 26 years old. And I am an adult, despite how much I act like a 16 year old in high school.
It's time that I grow up and adjust to my age. I'm just not totally sure where to start. Move out of my parents? Eh, too expensive till I have money. Stop fighting with my dad over the more moronic topics? We are both stubborn, dunno if that will ever happen.
Or should I just tell my boyfriend that I love him and that I will try and stop being so scared of everything. I will try to stop thinking about the future, because it's the future that causes me to retract to my 16 year old self. I will try to stop running away from every fight we have, because it is far more simpler than facing the problem and solving it.
Or maybe I could just watch a zombie movie and hope that the end of humanity will scare me into an adult.
Highly unlikely. But I know I gotta start somewhere.
It's like the old commercial says, "I don't wanna grow up, cause I'm a Toys'R'Us kid." And my Toys'R'Us kid I mean "an adult with the mindset of a damn child."
Until next time Tumblr-ers.
janainaart
baratheonpilled
pixelskylines