i rant

me and my mundane issues inactive as of 1/1/22

[nerunodaisuki]

[1yrical]

archive moodboard for @1starship

[passionpeachy-deactivated202312]

“The Fairy Angel Who Stole Your Chair In 1998 And Won’t Give It Back” (2021)

[passionpeachy-deactivated202312]

art from over the years

[laurarants]

Im sorry.

I was rash and looking for an answer to distance without communicating. I was angry that it felt like we wers growing apart. It was small and i dont knkw if you felt it too, i wanted to ask but i thought that any mention of something that needed fixing or that i was even thinking that we needed to work on something meant we were doomed. Meant we were going to break up anyway. As usual i was immature and quick to act a fool.

I want to know how you process your feelings. When we're apart, do you think about me? Often? What of? Because i sit and walk through our memories together. What do i donthat annoys you? Did you miss me?

When i said goodbye, i wasn't sure if you would miss me or cry. I suppose part of me hoped to be chased. I saw you cry once, indont remember if it was for me or your family. I shpuld have stayed and asked those tough questions.

I started our conversation that night with i dont want to break up. In my thoughts before i made that phonecall i hadnt set my mind on how i wanted to deal with my feelings, i was selfish to fisregard yours. But to say "of course you love me" feels vain. I didnt want to feel the insecurity or anger of missing you.

I want to be with you still, as selfish as that sounds. But im sure im not worthy of you. But if you change your mind, i want you to know all this. So when im in da trenches, you know my love has not waverrd, but that my fear has shaken me. And i hope you would hold me closer.

With your smile here eyes here hands with out you here physically with me everything became harder to reassure myself of.

We saw eachother in peraon yesterday for the first time in two years. I wonder if you kept track too. I spent those years delusional that we were perfect and meant to be, convinced that this too shall pass, sure that i was moving on. It was only weeks before you texted that i thought surely, i am making strides now.

I sat in that parking lot for 30 minutes after you left, trying to remember every detail of the night. How you laughed how your voice was deeper. I had forgotten how tall you were compared to me. I thought i was over you, your Facebook profile pic is just medium ugly haha. But in person my god were you hanfsome. Its no wonder in took me 2 years to try and forget your face. Funny like always. I was nervous at first but as the night settled i did too. I hadnt felt that comfortable, and myself, around someone in so long. More myself than when i was with you before. I think im older, and i grew up a bit. I kbow i learned more about myself and like her some more. I fwlt on fire when my shoulder brushed yours. Your eyes were always my favorite thing about you.

I got back home and cried in my car after i parked. I went inside and gugged my mom. I thought after 2 years the feeling what be gone . This yearning i have for you. Intoldnher i didnt understand why i was sonupset if i had such a great time with you. You and I didng fight or talk about us at all and yet i was sobbing in my mothers arms. Pelearon? No. Te divertirse? Si. Te hiso reír? Si. Mija, uno no llora así por el amigo, son lagrimas del enamorado.

You used a lot of dude bro language when you asked to hang out. I tried to make it as obvious as i clukd last night that i miss us together. Thenvibe i got from you is that you actually donjust want to be friends, if anything at all. You were, after all, just home for the holidays.

It pains me that i may never tell you any of this. It feels like its too late. Youve told me before that you didnt think we would work out, after we werent able to talk about it when you came back, beacuse you didnt for a few months. Covid. The song you sent, Kelsey Lu Im Not In Love. I dont know if i was supposed tontake that as a hint, but i did. I am a total dumbass.

[laurarants]

gosh darn it mom

mom wont stop bugging me about asking him to pick me up bc im on the way to the comedy club. how to i tell her i cant do that bc thats some date shit. i know this isnt a date even if it wasn't made obvious by his bro talk thats new to his vocabulary since the last time we spoke. and so everpresent in our conversations when we talked about hanging out. if i get a flat tire i will have to figure that shit out on my own. or you know, a stranger.

[laurarants]

sick

i feel awful today. tried eating but i had to throw it all up to feel better. i felt nauseous before cooking, but i thougt it was due to hunger. the first slice of avacado bread was okay but the egg was gross and the next slice unbearable. i think i may have a stomach bug because its not covid. i hope i feel better in 2 days, bc thats when im set to hang out with an old friend and if i cancel im not so sure theyll reach out again in a year. they reached out last year, but i canceled.

[laurarants]

i drank half a four loko

youth is wonderful. dead in my tracks though, when toxic sludge whispers blackout seductively in my ear

its been a whole day later and i still feel retched. my body is heaving within itself. i ate a tamale and it was great. i had some soup after and felt like death. literally, my body turns and i move like im throwing up, but the motion never reaches my throat. It travels up my stomach to my chest, stabs and twists, and returns to my tummy.n bjnv bdf sb djsch

[laurarants]

he will be tall

[laurarants]

december again

last year my ex had asked to hang out while he was in town for the holidays. every emotion that exists, i felt at once. so i said yes, panicked, and ghosted him. It was silly in hindsight. at the time we had just started texting again after months of no contact. I think i love drama and romanticizing my life more than feeling my real feelings. i enjoy stories so much i just decided my own life was one too. Something i say a lot to good and especially bad situations is "what a story this will make". Eventually i just started treating the present as a memory.

Its December again, he's back for the holidays, and he messaged me. It took me a few hours to feel levelheaded, but i said yes. Im trying to not make much of it. For the past few months i have been in the good habit of viewing myself in regards to only myself. He is an old high school friend by this point, and i wouldn't mind catching up.

it was silly in hindsight, in the same manner every girlish manner is (not quite so :).

[laurarants]

parents child

i feel ridiculous. my opinion an morals change ever day. today i will not go eat with my mother because its sunday and i did not go to church. i didnt want to, but she gave up in trying to convince me and asked that i just be ready after, so we can go eat together. this is kind. but thats like a whole 20 dollars that i do not have. A know shes going to pay, but she always taught me not to go anywhere expecting the means to be payed. I recently moved back home after dropping out of college. its her husbands home. i feel like i take so much already. in the grand scheme of things i feel that this day will not be remebered as laura is too cheap and she still needs her mommy. of course i need my mommy, im nineteen. it will be a cold winter day that we spent togethor eating soup. very well. i will shower and wash my face. here we go mom, i love you too.

[laurarants]

in my second year of university

somehow, i managed to live the past (at least) 5 years on autopilot. Pressing x and y to control my body. She did her silly little tasks at no expense of myself. Yesterday i found myself awake. I realized i had been awake for a while now, desperately trying to go back to things as they were. I havent been in the drivers seat in so long, im not sure where to even start. I find myself in a completely different life, unrecognizable.

i think the laura who took over while i was gone had her last straw go in flames, because what i came back to were not the habits of the good student i once knew. she tore the walls down like she was looking for an answer. none of the products in my bathroom make sense to me. so many comfort items left in dust. how long did she live like this before i noticed her neglect?

[laurarants]

did you change your number?

part of me hopes that ill get drunk and call you. I memorized your phone number just in case a few years ago, when i ran away that stupid night, and you came looking for me. part of me hopes youll be waiting for that drunk call too.

[laurarants]

i lit a candle for you last march

do you remember my birthday, aries?

[laurarants]

zzzzz

i was in a large mansion, at a halloween party. I stood by the entrance, surrounded by people, and noticed Him walk by. I dont remember what He was wearing, but his friend that came with him was wearing a suit. cut to all of us being upstairs in some people party packed room, and i still havent said hello, but I havent looked away either. i dont think He has noticed me at all. his friend came out of nowhere, drunk and angry. I didnt know him, but he cleary knew me, and about what i had done to Him. His friend proceeded to lunge at me, and threw a toy truck(??) at my head. someone grabbed him to hold him back while he called me a string of profanities. Thats when He finally notices me, my ex boyfriend. He tries to calm his friend down while sneaking glances my way. eventually we speak but i blink and im in a hallway, some sort of government building. not like the dmv, a base or reserve maybe. I see Him sitting down on a couch in this long stretch of hallway, just Him. no one else is even walking down. theres another couch accross from him, where i decide to take a seat. I know i came here to apologize, and to hear his voice. before i can get a word in, a girl walks down the hall and sits comfortably close to him, touching. shes sitting like he should have his arm around he,r and her head on his shoulder. but he doesnt. and she doesnt. we sit there for a while not saying a word. she never speaks as He gets up from the couch across, and sits next to me, a normal distance away. they were both love seats, and he got his own cushion this time. he says hello, and i ask him how his time in chicago has been. he smiles and pulls out his laptop to show me pictures of the last two years that we have been apart. there was no hint that he missed me like i missed him, but he did speak as if no time had passed between us.

I remember waking up and immediately replaying the entire dream in my head, over and over. I didn't want to forget a single detail. It was the closest I had been to him in a while. After securely locking it in concrete, i started to analyze it. I knew I had been missing him these past few months, but his friend's appearance was something new. Dreaming of him was nothing new, i had a recurring dreams often. What had changed was that I have been lurking of his socials more this past week. specifically, a particular post this friend of his had tagged him in. something about beating up that bitch that broke your homies heart. I knew it was about me, he made it obvious. What kept my heart from sinking was the thought that this was posted almost 10 months after we broke up. I was still in conversation, even if only as a joke. I feel crazy if i were to continue, but i know im not the only regretful ex-girlfriend to miticulously study their ex's profile like there was a midterm next week. He always responded to this friends post that He was tagged in. I checked, it was always. Not this one though, this post had sad replies from his other friends. When I left I thought he could care less. I thought the distance was more damage than good if i was the only one longing. I dont know if i was wrong, but i do know the next time he reaches out, i wont say no. Beacuse he did reach out, once. It was last christmas when he came home for the holidays. i said yes, and then i said no. I was embarrased. of how i looked. i was scared that he would regret even saying hello. I got too in my head. i always let what others say matter more than what we had to say ourselves. I'm not sure when i will stop regretting. For now, i'm content reflecting, and going through the memories behind my eyelids.

[laurarants]

surely,

I will love again

[laurarants]

One Year Later

I still miss my ex-boyfriend. He messaged me about two weeks ago to ask how i had been. My throat closed up and my heart started racing. and then it fell to my stomach. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t want to come off like i had been waiting for this. but, i gave myself sometime to do other things and calm down, and we texted for the first time in almost a year. we talked only for that night. ive dreamt about him every night since. I don’t wan to idealize him. i know hes not who he used to be. come December, it will be two years since I last saw him in person. But, I do want to hear his stories from our lost time and about his friends, how his new job is treating him. I know i wasnt a gold star girlfriend when we were. I just hpe i can be a good friend, because as much as i want to hold him and share memories with him, having him in my life would be enough. I was angy when i left. Angry that he was gone, angry that i didnt know how to communicate, angry that i couldnt just take off and see him. Impatience has always been a vice of mine. This year, I think I’d like to wait. alot of the insecurities stemmed from my own unwillingness to know and like myself. this year we wait, and listen.