Waxed Wings, Nails & Daggers @laurellynnebleu - Tumblr Blog

It's 2:30 in the morning and I'm struggling to eat my lunch at work. I'm currently working overnights, which is interesting and kind of fun.

But I'm struggling. Half the time, I'm okay with not having him in my life as a partner and lover. But the other half of the time, I'm basically in tears. I'm trying to keep busy to not overthink things and not let him leaving me consume me. I saw him this past weekend and it was great. We talked like we always did, laughed at people at the bar, everything we did together when we dated, we did as friends instead and it was great. I'm happy we can still be friends, but my fear is how long we can stay friends. I've said it before, he's more or less the same person as I am, except he's a dude. He's one of my best friends.

I just wish he was still in love with me.

And I'm still hurting

He said he doesn't want to be in a relationship with me because he's not in love with me. That really fucking hurts to hear. He saw us settling down together, but doesn't anymore. Except. He says he still loves me. He says he loves my energy; he says he loves my personality; he says he loves how I push him to pursue his aspiring clothing company and how my photography meshes with his style. He says he loves the fact that we laugh at more or less the same things; he says he loves being with me, sexual or just enjoying my company. He says he loves the fact that I'm a metalhead and can get kvlt/grim AF just like he canhe says he loves everything about me. He says all these things, yet still tells me that he's not in love with me and it's breaking my heart. The hardest part is that he's basically my best friend and it's like I'm losing him not only as my partner, but it feels like I'm going to lose my best friend. He helped me through my depression (it comes and goes still, but not nearly as often as before I met him) and he basically helped me overcome my anxiety. He's done so much for me personally, emotionally and physically and it's just hard to see him leave. Everything I enjoy I shared with him and that makes everything that much harder because every little thing reminds me of him. He's everything I want in a partner and I even dare say he's my soulmate. But it's like I'm fighting a battle where I'm a snail and everything else is a human toddler wanting to crush me.

Some days it's easier to not let it get to me, but I was sitting eating my dinner alone earlier and one tender moment crossed my mind and now I'm in shambles. It was the simplest thing...I thought of one morning we woke up next to each other in his bed and we were just quiet, staring at the ceiling with my hand gently in his. He pulled my hand up to his lips and gave it the most tender and loving kiss. He never does things like that because that's not him as a person. That one gentle touch kept me smiling the entire rest of the day, even when I had the worst day at work after.

I'm a mess and I honestly have no idea what to do anymore. I love him so much it hurts and it hurts even more that he basically gave up on trying to fix our relationship.

Skip past this.

I haven't posted here in a really long time. I've removed old stupid posts.

Except now, I'm posting because my heart hurts.

I met this guy, he's amazing and always has been to me. I'm completely and wholeheartedly in love with him. We agreed to take a break after over a year of dating because I realised I've been more selfish than I should have. I'm afraid to lose him. He's everything I want. I want us to fight to save our relationship and I really hope he does too. It's been a week and this has probably been the hardest week I've ever had.