I know my mom loves me.
Just like how I know she doesn’t like me.
When I come home to visit she’s excited and happy. (Until my newness wears off)
But, when that happens, of course it’s my fault . I’m bitchy, I’m mean, if I cry or yell back, it’s my fault, I’m emotional.
Emotional, I’ve been called that my whole life, tears have always come as second nature to me after all.
She doesn’t even have to yell, when she talks to me like that I immediately tense,, get defensive. I’m afraid she will grab me by the hair like she did when I was little, I’m afraid she’ll hit me.
She never left marks, and only did it if I lied or fought with my little brother too much.
I feel like I I don’t deserve to be hurt, be mad, but I am. I’m tired. I want here to love me all the time. Especially when I fuck up… I hate her
But more than that I hate myself cause I can’t hate her.
