laven ✩

personal/vent blog ed tw !! she/her | 24 | british currently :(

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food: ~800

- 12pm plant based mince gochujang, rice and veggies

- 10pm seaweed thins, quorn ham, jelly

steps: 10218

sleep: 3h 30

weight: maintain

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horrible few months. was hospitalised then sent to an ip, managed to discharge myself from that ip then got sectioned so had to go to a different and much worse ip. now nearly back at a healthy weight after being tube and force fed for months so they’ve decided i’m ok for discharge

ed is happy bc now i can finally relapse in peace but man no wonder so many people die with eds

[camillamaecaulay]

graves grow no green that you can use.

gwendolyn brooks

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changing adhd meds to elvanse/vyanse (lisdexamfetamine) to try regulate my emotions better does anyone have any experience with it!! effects/pros/cons anything

i’m freaking out a little i hate things that are so important changing

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10.30 iced coffee with oat milk

12.30 huel smoothie with banana and berries

16.00 peanut and chocolate cookie

18.30 ramen noodles pot, small dark chocolate bunny

didn’t count properly just ate what i wanted when i was hungry, estimating 1100 ish

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home sweet home <3

being threatened to be sectioned again so trying to be as stable and positive as possible to avoid that

laying in bed hungry and it is so comforting

these are my thoughts right now

[thinlunar]

[theskinnyhoney]

[innohcense]

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i got made a voluntary patient on friday after my psych assessment found me to be stable and my vitals have also stabilised (my heart and liver were a bit fucked before) and so tomorrow i am gonna discharge myself!!!

basically planning to lose some of this weight i’ve gained in here but not relapse (yes i’m being delusional). i know if i stay above like bmi 16 my body should hold up ok, that could be my limit and i could live with it

have been only gaining like 3-4lbs a week complete sedentary and eating 5k calories a day so probably honestly will try stay at like 2000 for a bit and work it down. i’m scared my appetite will be huge but i’m excited to feel hungry again

[skinnnybabyy]

i’m chelsmcmanuss on instagram xx

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if i can’t be skinny i need to look exactly like taylor swift ok?

sigh tho bc even though i find her insanely hot i know it wouldn’t feel thin enough just like my lowest weights haven’t felt thin enough idk idk idk idk why do i have this need to feel and look so sick i hate it

getting so much therapy here but nothing seems to get through to me, i just wanna be thin that seems like the only reason i do this

perhaps this is my autism speaking as well cos it seems just logical to me, i don’t eat then i lose weight and get thinner because i want to that’s really as complicated as it gets

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thinking about how skinny i could be right now if i wasn’t forced into hospitalisation for the last 5 weeks :-)

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lesbian privilege is also getting relatable songs from cishet males

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freeze your brain

shatter your skull

fight pain with more pain

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i’m gonna build myself the fanciest app and analytics platform to track everything now i have my laptop back yay

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my like adult real life job is as a machine learning scientist and i spent today programming predictive models for my own weight gain and weight loss based on over 8 consecutive years of daily weight, calories and exercise data. also running some simulations about when i’ve got myself hospitalised or when i’ve triggered a bad binge or self harm relapse and it’s actually super interesting looking at some of the trends

i got access to my old mfp from early days which is what prompted this, and i know for sure i have physical diaries from like 2010 onwards so if i can find them i’ll add that too. i finally i feel some joy and interest in my job it’s cool i can do this and i haven’t been able to concentrate that good at anything for ages, maybe i do miss working