Infidelity is the betrayal our society focuses on, but it is actually the subtle, unnoticed betrayals that truly ruin relationships.
Infidelity is the betrayal our society focuses on, but it is actually the subtle, unnoticed betrayals that truly ruin relationships. When partners do not choose each other day after day, trust and commitment erode away.
Partners may be aware of this disloyalty to each other, but dismiss it because it’s “not as bad as an affair.” This is false. Anything that violates a committed relationship’s contract of mutual trust, respect, and protection can be disastrous.
Betrayals are founded on two building blocks: deception (not revealing your true needs to avoid conflict) and a yearning for emotional connection from outside the relationship.
Below are three betrayals that ruin relationships. Only by confronting and taking responsibility for them can couples reestablish their trust in each other.
Emotional Cheating
It’s very easy for platonic friends to bond in the trenches of work, day after day. Sometimes we call this person a “work wife” or “work husband.” Even friendships made at the gym or local coffee shop can threaten the bond at home.
These nonsexual relationships can lead to both parties sharing intimate details about each other’s lives. That doesn’t make it a betrayal. What makes it a betrayal is this: if your partner would be upset by the things you’ve shared or would be uncomfortable watching the interaction.
Tom first learns of his wife’s sexless affair when they hosted a Christmas party. Emily has never mentioned Chris, the new manager of her department. At the party, Chris seems to know about Emily’s entire life. He even brought their son Marshall a Bumblebee Transformer. His favorite.
Tom looks at Emily with a shocked expression. Her sheepish look sinks his heart. When he confronts her after the party, Emily argues about her friendship with Chris. She tells Tom it’s “nothing” because they are “just friends.”
She then turns against Tom and defends Chris. She accuses Tom of being irrationally jealous and tells him it’s the reason he didn’t know about Chris in the first place. Tom feels there is nothing irrational about his jealousy. Whether he admits it or not, his wife is cheating. The evidence lies in her secrecy.
5 signs your partner’s friendship is not an innocent friendship
Has the friendship been hidden?
Are your questions about the friendship responded with “don’t worry” or discouragement?
Have you asked it to end, only to have your partner tell you no?
Have your boundaries been disrespected?
Is the friend the subject of fantasies or comments during troubled times in the relationship?
If you answered “yes” to any of the questions above, the friendship may be too intimate. Use Dr. John Gottman’s Conflict Blueprint from his book “What Makes Love Last?” to help talk to your partner about this issue.
Conditional Love
Couples don’t feel supported when one partner keeps a foot out of the relationship. They don’t feel like their partner has their best interests at heart, that they have their back. When this happens, it’s not uncommon for the betrayed partner to blame a trigger as the real problem, when it’s actually the lack of commitment.
As Kristina reflects on her first marriage, she knows she began to feel betrayed when her husband stalled on starting a family. At first she thought he was anxious about becoming a father, but in couples therapy it became clear that he was hesitant to deepen his commitment to her.
Like an anxious lover, she clung onto him with desperation, terrified of losing her marriage until she realized she never really had one to begin with.
Sometimes a partner may pressure the other to marry or move in, believing the “next level” will deepen their connection, but it’s difficult for a marriage to succeed if it is built on a vow to create a strong bond rather than the result of one. The shallowness of the bond will eventually bleed through the connection.
Steps to create unconditional love: When couples ignore or dismiss talking about difficult issues, they are left with a shallow commitment. By using conflict as a catalyst for closeness, couples can intentionally use problems as an opportunity to discuss their goals, fears, and dreams. Couples that unconditionally love each other live by the motto, “baby, when you hurt, the world stops and I listen.”
Emotional Withdrawal
Emotional withdrawal can be something big, like choosing a work meeting over a family funeral, or it can be as small as turning away when your partner needs emotional support.
A committed relationship requires both partners to be there for each other through the life-altering traumas and everyday nuisances. That means celebrating joys and successes with your partner, too.
Everybody has different ways of expressing themselves. In a committed relationship, it is the responsibility of both partners to uncover and disclose these preferences to understand what the other requires to feel loved, protected, and supported.
In his research lab, Dr. Gottman discovered that happy couples turned toward each other 86% of the time, while unhappy couples turned towards each other only 33% of the time. That means unhappy couples withdraw 67% of the time! Emotional withdrawal sets in when bids are ignored.
Solution: To improve your emotional connection, focus on rebuilding and updating your Love Maps, cultivating a culture of admiration and fondness, and turning towards bids more often.
Do any of the items listed above feel familiar or make you feel uneasy? If so, you may be facing a betrayal. Maybe it’s as serious as finding discomforting text messages between your partner and someone else. This list is not about who is right or wrong. Like sexual affairs, these betrayals can be overcome if you recognize the problem and repair the relationship together.
Recent studies suggest that narcissistic parents are incapable of loving others — even their own children.
What does this mean for their relationships?
Since narcissists can’t develop the ability to empathize with others, they can never learn to love.
Unfortunately, this doesn’t change when narcissists have children. The narcissist parent sees their child merely as a possession who can be used to further their own self-interests.
They often have issues with boundaries, both physically and emotionally, and unload a lot of emotional baggage onto their kids. This makes children the narcissistic parent’s primary source of comfort — and sometimes their punching bag.
Narcissists also view the world in a binary manner: Things are either viewed as special/ideal/perfect or worthless/harmful/garbage. There is no in-between, and they treat their children according to those extremes.
This leaves their children wanting desperately to please them (to be on the “love” side of the spectrum, rather than the darker, more hateful side) and they’ll even let their narcissistic parent control their lives, just to keep things running smoothly.
Likewise, as long as kids cater to the narcissist’s needs and make them feel good about themselves, they’re more likely to respond positively, making the child’s home life more harmonious.
But as kids grow up, they become stronger, more confident, more brave. Narcissistic parents see their children’s independence as a direct threat to the control they want or need over their lives.
Out of desperation to retain control, narcissists will try to deliberately sabotage their child’s sense of self-worth. Some of the common tactics they use include creating unhealthy competitions, using guilt and blame, giving ultimatums, and/or putting their child down (by telling them they’re fat, ugly, useless, stupid, etc.) to try to keep their child’s confidence low.
Long lasting effects for adult children of narcissists
It’s not surprising that many kids who grow up in these types of unhealthy environments develop feelings of guilt and low self-esteem that they later carry into adulthood. Kids raised by narcissistic parents are less likely to develop a realistic self-image.
It is brutal to grow up this way.
As children of narcissists become adults, they have to learn there’s a difference between real love and narcissistic “love.” And that includes coming to terms with the fact that what they’ve experienced is actually emotional abuse and constant gaslighting.
After that, it’s an uphill battle for children to accept that their parent’s narcissistic actions aren’t their fault or responsibility, as is true with any form of child abuse. If the relationship with their narcissistic parent is to continue, adult children of narcissists need to establish clear, firm boundaries — and stick to them.
Many adult children find that the most healthy option for them is to sever the relationship altogether. The cycle of abuse and control doesn’t end because you’ve left the nest. Narcissists can’t turn themselves off.
Kids of narcissistic parents
Kids raised by narcissistic parents grow up with the feeling they’ll never be able to please them. They’re constantly belittled and treated as if they’ll never be good enough. But it’s the parent, not the child, who has the problem — a personality disorder that renders them physically incapable of empathy and love.
If you grew up with a narcissistic parent, you know the struggle. Just remember that, as an adult, you are in control now, and you are not obligated to endure their abuse or mistreatment. Set your boundaries and stick to them, or break up with your parent so that you can live your best life. You’re worth it.
Learn how to cope with manipulative family members, gain clarity, set boundaries, and reclaim family harmony with this five-step solution. Understand how to perceive scheming family members now.
Follow these 5 steps to learn how to cope with manipulative family members.
Find out which family members are victims of the manipulators tactics. Then communicate your concerns with them as a group.
Contemplate what is really happening inside of your own mind. What are the intrinsic pieces of yourself, and which have become involuntary reactions to the manipulator. Are you thinking what you want to think, or what someone else wants you to think you want to think?
Set boundaries with the manipulator. Once you have contemplated what is really you, and what the manipulator wants you to think is you, identify the boundaries between you and the person manipulation you. Then verbally and non verbally set boundaries. Focus on preventing the person from influencing your thoughts, feelings and actions.
Choose the environment in which you engage the manipulator. The person who wants you to control them does it in a place that will make the end goal easier. They want you to be surrounded by others who will back them up, even if unknowingly. Choose a natural location when you are ready to set verbal boundaries.
Have patience, and be the bigger person. A manipulator relies on patterns, to break these patterns takes time and effort. Be forgiving, and allow the manipulator time and space to change patterns. It is their choice though, so if they choose not to stop controlling others then have patience and understanding for yourself, and the decision you will have to make.
The sad truth is that many families experience the splintered effect at the hands of the scheming member. Walking away from your family is the last resort, even though sometimes necessary. Up until that point, it's imperative to use every tool in your social skills toolbox. You aren't likely to get the scheming person to change, but you may be able to set clear boundaries which they can not cross.
In the end, we care about them. They are family, and even if they play the kind of games most call drama, we still love them. That only resolves our center to find a way to learn help turn a manipulative relationship into a functional one.
What Is a Manipulator?
A manipulator is someone who uses social influence with intent to control how another person acts, thinks, feels and perceives the world around them. Manipulators try to get the victim to willingly choose conformity to ideas, emotional states or actions that create specific outcomes for the person who is manipulating.
When someone manipulates us it is confusing. It usually feels pretty bad, although we can be mislead to think otherwise through the deception. The bottom line is that the person engaging in manipulation wants something, and they need your help to get it.
They don't want to stop to ask for your help, they want to take control and responsibility for your choices. Social influence happens, we all impact one another. We influence each other all the time.
Manipulators make a perfectly natural phenomena, such as social influence, and use it to their gain and benefit. Often, they don't take into account how the manipulation will harm the victims life .
Expanded Explanations for Family Coping Skills
The scheming family member isn't thinking about who their manipulation and lies hurt. The fact that they are scheming shows that the only person on their mind is themselves. Yet, the person with the most lies usually has the most to say. A consistent reminder that lies, selective communication and mistrusts is how they keep people blind to the truth.
The scheming person creates a trap for you and anyone else whose behavior or thinking process they want to change.
1. Find Out Who Is Affected by the Manipulation
You cannot let yourself react quickly. Stop to think who was involved, and who could get hurt. As you cope with the manipulator, think about yourself AND about all the who's that may get hurt. It's family, you will have to talk to the conspirator. For your sake and theirs, think carefully about how you communicate with the who's. Stay mature, and be the bigger person.
If the manipulation directly or indirectly affects more than one person, then the victims must communicate with each other to understand how the manipulator is stepping over the boundary of social influence and engaging in behaviors to get the victims to behave obediently.
Together, as a family, a solution can be thought up and implemented to help the person manipulating. The person who tries to take away freewill and choice from others is going to need help. They will have a difficult time understanding why they can't control you, and how freedom is being violated by their actions.
They probably will say they want what is best for you, or the other victims. To this you must respond that freedom means that each person is free to make their own decisions. Unless your under 18 and it is your parents, it is your right to make your own choices and to perceive the world around you without interference from someone who thinks they know better.
One in every three women sees themselves as fatherless. Whether your dad was lost to you through death, divorce, addiction, or neglect, you struggle because of it and need to deal with your hurt. If you don't, you may struggle with low self-esteem, eating disorders, and destructive relationships.
Growing Up Without a Dad Shapes Who You Are
It took six decades, but I can finally utter a huge truth that caused me tremendous shame and sadness: My father didn't love me. I never spoke that deep, dark secret, but it was always festering inside of me. It manifested itself in many ways throughout my life as I struggled with a food obsession, low self-esteem, social anxiety, and depression.
Whether a dad was present but rejecting like mine or walked away from his fatherly duties entirely, his absence leaves an indelible mark on a daughter's psyche as she grows into adulthood.
What does the research say about woman who grew up with fathers who didn't love them—daughters who were never daddy's little girl?
Below, you'll find six ways a daughter may be affected by an uninvolved dad.
Fathers provide their daughters with a masculine example. They teach their children about respect and boundaries and help put daughters at ease with other men throughout their lives. [...] So if she didn't grow up with a proper example, she will have less insight and she'll be more likely to go for a man that will replicate the abandonment of her father.
— Caitlin Marvaso, AMFT, a grief counselor and therapist in Oakland, CA
1. Fatherless Daughters Have Self-Esteem Issues
According to Deborah Moskovitch, an author and divorce consultant, kids often blame themselves when dad leaves the home and becomes less involved in their lives. When they aren't given an explanation about why dad left, they make up their own scenario and jump to the conclusion that it's their fault and that they're unlovable.
This is especially true for daughters. Countless studies have shown that fatherlessness has an extremely negative impact on daughters' self esteem. Her confidence in her own abilities and value as a human being can be greatly diminished if her father isn't there. Academically, personally, professionally, physically, socially, and romantically, a woman's self esteem is diminished in every setting if she did not form a healthy relationship with her father.
As a child, I watched television shows like The Brady Bunch and Happy Days in which the fathers showered their daughters with tremendous amounts of attention and affection. Because I never got that from my dad, I convinced myself it was because I wasn't cute enough. I thought if I had blond hair and talked with a lisp like Cindy Brady I would have my dad's devotion. I hated the way I looked because I thought it caused my father's lack of interest in me. As I got older, my self-esteem plummeted and I was sure no man would ever find me attractive.
Countless studies have shown that a father's abandonment has an extremely negative impact on daughters' self esteem.
2. Daughters With Absent Fathers Struggle to Build and Maintain Relationships
According to Pamela Thomas, author of Fatherless Daughters (a book that examines how women cope with the loss of a father via death or divorce), women who grew up with absent dads find it difficult to form lasting relationships. Because they were scarred by their dad's rejection of them, they don't want to risk getting hurt again.
Consciously or unconsciously, they avoid getting close to people. They may form superficial relationships in which they reveal little of themselves and put very little effort into getting to know others. They may become promiscuous as a way of getting male attention without becoming too emotionally involved.
Ever since childhood, I've built walls around myself. I didn't open up to people. I didn't ask questions about others' families, jobs, or hobbies. I kept my life private, and I remained socially isolated.
These were all self-protective measures so I wouldn't experience rejection like I did with my dad. Knowing this intellectually did nothing to help me change my behavior because my fear of rejection was more powerful than my desire to make connections.
3. Women With Absent Fathers Are More Likely to Have Eating Disorders
In their book The Parent's Guide to Eating Disorders, the authors Marcia Herrin and Nancy Matsumoto write eloquently about the fact that girls with physically or emotionally absent fathers are at greater risk of developing eating disorders. Anorexia nervosa, bulimia, binge-eating, body dysmorphia, unhealthy preoccupations with food or body weight, and other eating disorders are all more likely if a girl does not have a father figure as she's growing up. Daughters without dads are also twice as likely to be obese.
Because her longing to have a close relationship with her dad is denied, she may develop what Margo Maine (author of Father Hunger: Fathers, Daughters, & Food) calls “father hunger,” a deep emptiness and a profound insecurity. Daughters are left wondering: What's so wrong with me that my own father doesn't love me? If I looked different—if I were thin—would I earn daddy's love?
I've struggled with "father hunger" throughout my life—stuffing my face to fill the void, dieting to get model-thin, and always obsessing about food.
My days have been filled with thoughts of eating—either doing it or struggling mightily not to. When I accepted that my dad didn't love me and that he was an unhappy man with deep-rooted problems, I finally started eating normally and began maintaining a healthy weight. I began treating myself in a loving way by exercising, gardening, reading, walking in the woods, and spending time with family. For the first time in my life, I only thought about food when I was hungry. This freed me to enjoy my life in so many wonderful ways.
Eating disorders are more likely in daughters who don't have fathers.
4. Daughters of Absent Fathers Are More Prone to Depression
Not surprisingly, girls who grew up with dads who were emotionally or physically absent are more likely to struggle with depression as adults. Because they fear abandonment and rejection, these women often isolate themselves emotionally. They avoid healthy romantic relationships because they don't feel deserving and fear getting hurt, but they might jump into unhealthy relationships that ultimately lead to heartbreak. In either scenario, the women are in emotional peril and frequently become depressed. If they don't deal with the cause of their sadness—an absent dad—they may never be able to develop healthy relationships with men.
To top it all off, data suggests that children without fathers are more than twice as likely to commit suicide.
According to Denna Babul and Karin Louise, authors of The Fatherless Daughter Project, it's helpful to simply realize that we're not alone. In fact, one in three women see themselves as fatherless and struggle with feelings of abandonment. Knowing this helps us see that there's a whole sisterhood out there who share a common pain and a need to connect. When we open up and share our journey, we help both ourselves and each other. Whether we feel the loss of a dad through death, divorce, drug addiction, estrangement, or emotional neglect, we must grieve in order to move forward. Read How a Fatherless Daughter Can Recover From Her Dad's Rejection for ideas on how to avoid falling into depression. A gifted therapist can be key to helping us do just that and becoming happier people.
5. Dadless Daughters Are More Likely to Become Sexually Active Earlier
Studies have shown the many benefits that come from a strong father-daughter bond. Most notably, girls who are close to their dads are less likely to get pregnant as teens. They delay engaging in sexual relationships, wait longer to get married and have children, and when they do find a husband, their marriages are more emotionally satisfying, stable, and long-lasting.
Countless studies also show that women who have unstable or absent paternal relationships are more likely to start having sex earlier and engage risky sexual behaviors. Daughters are four times more likely to get pregnant as a teen if dad isn't in the picture. Studies show that more than 70% of unplanned teenage pregnancies occur in homes where there is no father.
My older sister (who, like me, did not have a relationship with our father) met her future husband when she was just 18 and married him when she turned 22, straight out of college. He was the only guy she ever dated.
Without a doubt, she was looking for the love and validation she never got from our dad. She was looking for an alternative to a man who never said "I love you" or "you're pretty" and never gave the unconditional acceptance one craves from a parent. Although she is still married, her union has been a difficult one, and she discourages her own daughters from marrying young.
6. Abandoned Daughters Are Susceptible to Addiction
As with depression, eating disorders, and low self esteem, the absence of a father can trap a daughter in a negative repetitive pattern she can't easily break out of and turn to drugs to self-medicate and help numb the pain.
She is more likely to find herself trapped in a cycle of substance abuse, for example. According to the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, fatherless children are at a dramatically greater risk of drug and alcohol abuse. Not only are kids in father-absent households about four times more likely to be poor (which can trigger many negative cycles), fatherless adolescents were found to be 69% more likely to use drugs and 76% more likely to commit crimes.
Can a Daughter Survive Without a Father?
Try as I might, I was never been able to get any traction, always making a mess of this or that and never able to form long-lasting friendships. I rejected happiness because I never felt worthy of it. I did so much to sabotage my life and make myself miserable.
Then last year my older sister revealed to me that she, too, had felt unloved by him. I immediately felt enormous relief and then great euphoria. I realized it had never been about me—that I was bad, ugly, stupid and undeserving. It had always been about him—his unhappy childhood, his cold mother, his negative nature, and his dissatisfaction with being a husband and father. It had never been about me...never.
I could finally shout: “You were a piece of crap and now I'm done with you! I'm not your prisoner any more!" From that day forward, I practiced radical acceptance about my dad. I stopped thinking about the way I wished things had been. I stopped wishing that they could have been different. I ended a lifetime of suffering by saying the painful truth: "I never had a warm, loving father and I never would."
According to Caitlin Marvaso, AMFT, a grief counselor and therapist, to recover from a father's abandonment, a woman "must learn how to father herself, hold herself, and receive the type of love a father provides. It is a lifelong process, but with the proper support, tools, and patience, it is totally possible. That being said, the grief and pain never goes away, it just changes."
A daughter whose father abandoned her can grow, thrive, learn, excel, succeed, love and be loved, and live a wonderful life when she realizes that the problem isn't her, it's him. This is the first step toward healing.
Self-mutilation comes in the form of promiscuity and [...] it's violence against yourself. I never thought of it that way before!
— Oprah Winfrey
What Is Fatherless Daughter Syndrome?
"Fatherless Daughter Syndrome" (colloquially known as "daddy issues") is an emotional disorder that stems from issues with trust and lack of self esteem that leads to a cycle of repeated dysfunctional decisions in relationships with men. It can last a woman's entire lifetime if the symptoms go unacknowledged and ignored.
Does the Reason Affect the Result of Fatherlessness?
Half of the daughters in the US self-identify as having no father in their lives, but the reasons for that fatherlessness vary.
Approximately 28% lost their connection to their dads via divorce or separation, while 26% cite emotional absence as the reason for the estrangement. 19% lost their fathers to death, 13% to abandonment, 13% to addiction, 12% to abuse, and 4% to incarceration. 6% say they never met their father.
Certainly, a daughter whose loving dad passed away when she was 15 will be affected differently than a daughter whose father abandoned her when she was born. Unfortunately, many studies do not account for the reasons for fatherlessness.
The effects of fatherlessness can be mitigated by many factors. Daughters who were brought up in households with two moms, a loving and very-involved step parent, or participating grandparents or other extended family members will probably not experience the same lasting wounds and negative impact of a father's abandonment.
What Are the Emotional Effects of Being Abandoned by a Father?
Compared to those with healthy paternal relationships, fatherless women report...
feeling less happiness and lower levels of well-being,
higher levels of frustration, anger, and anger-related depression,
difficulty navigating the emotions of intimate relationships, and
overwhelming fears of abandonment.
The Fatherless Daughter Project: Understanding Our Losses and Reclaiming Our Lives gave me the necessary insight that helped me heal. It made me realize that I was living a shut-down existence. Because of my childhood without an involved dad, I had become an emotionally numb adult.
Like many fatherless daughters, I grew up with a mom who was overwhelmed and struggling. Because she was shouldering all the responsibilities of parenting by herself (except the financial), she felt alone. As such, she turned to me for comfort and support.
Dr. Karin Luise, the book's co-author, says that a daughter who tends to her mom's emotions often neglects her own.
As a result, she might bottle up her feelings. As an adult, that can lead to both psychological and physical distress. Once I understood this, I was able to get healthier by embracing my feelings: writing about them, talking about them, and using them to heal.
What Are the Psychological Effects of an Absent Father?
To summarize, depression, suicide, eating disorders, obesity (and its effects), early sexual activity, addiction-formation, and difficulty building and holding on to loving relationships are all side-effects of an absent father.
This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.
Whether her dad was physically or emotionally absent, a girl suffers because of it. As an adult, she doesn't want his rejection to further restrict her happiness and limit her potential.
Did You Know?
One in three women identifies herself as fatherless because of her dad's death, his emotional neglect, or his physical absence.
Many fatherless daughters blame themselves for their dad's abandonment.
These women are more likely to have low self-esteem, struggle with eating disorders, and suffer from depression.
Those whose fathers died are actually better off psychologically because they didn't endure their dads' rejection.
Five Ways a Daughter Can Heal From an Absent or Rejecting Father
Look at the situation objectively, not emotionally.
Here are my tips to help you on your healing journey…
1) 3rd Person Self-Talk (Self-Distancing):
This is one of my favorite ‘brain hacks‘ and one I use almost daily.
It can help to engage the regulation portion of the brain;
calm down some of the emotionality that could be causing you to feel worse rather than better.
Here it is: When you are contemplating what you are going through (or thinking back on the relationship) or trying to resolve a very emotionally charged situation within your mind, use 3rd person language.
Rather than say “I” use your name. Change up your pronouns and use 3rd person pronouns in those moments of self-talk. Avoid thinking, “me,” “my,” or “I” in those moments (Kross et. al, 2014).
For example, when I am in a tough spot, feeling very stressed, and having trouble getting myself to problem solve, I help my brain engage my prefrontal cortex to help calm me down so that I can think a little clearer (and not feel in as much pain). I swap out 1st person pronouns for 3rd person pronouns. In my self-talk I say, “Her” “She” “Rhonda.” I instantly begin to ‘think’ in more gentler manner.
Using this form of self-talk increases feelings of kindness/ empathy for self, up-regulates portions of the brain that promotes emotional control, gives me easier access to my logic/reasoning, and will increase the likelihood that self-compassion will feel more natural and automatic (at some point) for you.
Like anything … it takes practice. The brain will benefit from building and using those compassionate neuropathways. The more positivity happening in the brain the better.
2) Education – Learn the basics of your mental problems.
There are some personality styles that are prone to abuse others. Their peace, comfort and financial advancement in life is usually at the expense of others.
They are natural exploiters, manipulators, violators, and often lacking in basic morality. Often regions and pathways of the brain associated with accurate self perception, morals, reward pursuit, empathy, attention, bonding, (and more) are faulty.
3) Tap into your desire for Self Preservation and Safety
We all have a need to feel safe and thrive. This can become shaken within a relationship with an abusive partner.
Abusers require their mate sacrifice themselves and allow them all the privileges and benefits that come from an intimate relationship. This control gives them comfort and pleasure.
However, this one sided / exploitive interaction can often lead to the abused partner abandoning her own safety and self preservation merely to keep peace and/or please the disordered partner. You can reignite your desire for safety – it is already programmed within us as human beings.
4) Strive to shift direction.
For many, making a shift in ‘how’ they see their abusive partner takes time. It can be difficult to think that the person who shared the most intimate moments with you could actually be an “abuser”.
Or even worse, for some it is even more difficult to process that the person might actually have a disorder that is extremely difficult to treat – such as narcissistic personality disorder or psychopathy.
If your partner is an abusive individual, you owe it to yourself to have a willingness to shift direction and think of him/her as they truly are.
5) Avoid toxic people and situations.
6) Avoid behaviors that can increase the bond to the abuser.
Try to avoid unnecessary contact. Even contact that involves the abuser lacking awareness of your presence (i.e., viewing their social media).
7) Actively work to banish negative self talk.
When you catch yourself in a self-critical mode (e.g., Why did I do X; Or How could have done Y), try to shift at that moment into a compassionate state. Imagine if you heard your very dear friend or child saying that.
Would you jump in and agree with her/him that they shouldn’t have been so stupid? Most likely not.
You would give them comfort and tell them that no one is perfect and they will move forward empowered with knowledge from this experience. Criticism doesn’t lead to healing… however, compassion and learning does.
8) Mindfulness:
Be more mindful and present. Take care not to heighten the emotional climate of your environment and interactions.
9) Remember, throughout this healing process, try to maintain patience with yourself.
It will take some time to get through this unique kind of pain. Often the damage caused within an abusive relationship is traumatic. A few months is rarely enough time to get through the emotional upheaval of trauma. Be patient and have self compassion.
Clients feel shame, therapists feel shame. When is it justified? What should you do if you are feeling shame? Marsha Linehan considers the factors.
Marsha Linehan, creator of the highly-regarded Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), discusses Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) from the viewpoint of a clinician / researcher of the highest caliber.
Tips for undoing a dysfunctional parent's hold on you.
When you are ready to begin untangling yourself from the trauma bond between yourself and your narcissistic parent, accept that this may be much harder than you have planned.
Perhaps even more than any other person in a narcissist’s life, they may perceive a child of any age as a possession to which they have total rights of ownership.
You are a prized supply to their narcissism and to remove yourself from their hold and to establish yourself as a fully independent and separate individual is one of the most significant narcissistic injuries that your parent might suffer.
Because of the magnitude of the injury, finding your way out of the bond may be hindered by the efforts of your parent to maintain their unhealthy hold on you.
Don’t let yourself be deterred by the drama that your parent creates around your actions to cut yourself out of the narcissist’s Gordian knot. Every point of engagement is more fuel for the narcissist’s pathological behavior.
How to Begin the Process of Self-Healing
Don’t pretend you have not been hurt by the experiences of neglect, rejection, abandonment, or alienation that your parents created for you. It’s okay to feel your feelings, name your feelings, and explore ways to heal the hurt.
Don’t let yourself begin believing your parents’ lies that their poor treatment and abuse of you was due to some inner failing of your own. Your parents chose their actions, you were a child trying to survive and navigate a dysfunctional family system. Your parents were adults who knew what they were doing as they built dysfunction into the family system.
Don’t believe you are not worthy or “good enough” to live a life filled with people who value you for who you are and not what need you could meet for them.
Don’t become the inverse of the narcissist – a people-pleasing, boundaryless, co-dependent to the next narcissist who targets you as an adult.
Don’t hold onto false hope that your parent will change with time; often narcissistic behaviors just grow more ingrained over the years and your parent may never be able to love you in the way that other parents love their children.
How to Separate Without Harming Yourself
Create boundaries that you are willing and able to maintain.
Isolating your parent from your life is not always easy depending on the level of obligation and guilt they have instilled in you. Recognize that less opportunities for contact translate into more opportunities to build a healthier sense of self and healthier relationships with others.
When your parent attempts to cross a boundary or draw you back into their twisted bonds, keep up your guard and refuse to engage emotionally.
Admitting that your parent’s behavior is affecting you is feeding the narcissist. Refuse to serve as the supply for their power and pain games.
When narcissists throw grown-up temper tantrums or make threats, treat them as you would a small child engaging in those behaviors
– you don’t give into their demands and you also rely on logical or natural consequences for misbehavior in children, too. Let your parents know your limits and the potential consequences if they try and push past them – and enforce the consequences. (“My family and I will be heading home if you continue to insult/threaten/tease me/us in this way.”)
If any contact is too much contact, go “no contact.”
Some people feel this is too extreme for their situation, but it is necessary for others. Going “no contact” can leave some individuals feeling like an orphan of sorts, but it allows for the creation of a “family of choice,” where relationships are built on mutuality and respect.
If “no contact” is a no-go, consider using the “grey rock” technique – when in the company of the narcissist, engage only from the neck up – don’t risk being vulnerable or engaging your feelings or heart.
Rather than investing in a conversation, keep your responses brief, noncommittal, and devoid of feelings or questions. Avoid eye contact, too. Keep to mundane topics, like the weather or other factual topics.
Don't express opinions or ask questions. Unfortunately, this type of non-engaged interaction requires you to stifle your own normal reactions, which can be a challenge in itself.
Grey rocking is a technique for specific situations with specific individuals – not a healthy way to engage with those who care about you or with whom you want to maintain or deepen intimate relationships.
Narcissistic parents manipulate not only the other adults in their homes and other milieus, they also manipulate their children through subtle and not so subtle means.
They Manipulate a Child’s Self and Development
They may push their children into certain activities or viewpoints that would serve the parent’s needs, not the child’s needs or interests.
They may use gaslighting techniques, lying to their children, to extract particular behaviors and instill certain beliefs.
They may use the child as leverage to get what they want from others, including tangible and intangible resources and rewards.
They may shape the child’s behavior in ways that build up the narcissist’s ego through the tearing down of the child’s sense of self.
As children get older and begin to seek more independence, a narcissist may use threats of self-harm or suggest that they will be “helpless” if the child leaves home to go to college or find a place of their own.
They Forbid or Ignore Boundaries
Narcissists cannot perceive their children as unique individuals separate from themselves in their own right.
Much like a newborn baby who has a narcissistic perspective on life and doesn’t realize that his mother is not an extension of himself, narcissistic parents do not understand that their children are not simply extensions of them as parents.
Without boundaries, children of narcissists accept that their purpose in life is to serve their parents’ needs and to reflect whatever values or traits their parents place on them.
They are not allowed to develop independent ideas, beliefs, perspectives, or behaviors; they feel pressure to reflect the image that their parent holds of them.
They Triangulate and Alienate Family Members
This behavior creates power struggles and discord between a child and the non-narcissistic parent.
Narcissists need to cling to their children for the purpose the child serves to support the narcissist’s ego and sense of self; they will find ways to alienate the other parent from the child.
This is a form of emotional abuse of both the child and the other parent. It can happen through multiple means including creating and telling the child lies about the other parent, including accusing the parent of child abuse and feeding the child stories to corroborate accusations.
It can also occur through “ownership” of the child, through convincing the other parent that the child “prefers” the narcissist or that the child “does better” with the narcissist’s parenting efforts.
Their Possessiveness Causes Isolation
Narcissistic parents do not want to share their resources; they do not share their material resources nor their human resources.
They want to keep their children tucked around them and primed to serve as keepers of the parent’s ego and emotional wellbeing.
Narcissistic parents tend to be highly possessive of their children and feel the need to control their activities in such a way that the time spent away from the home and in the company of other companions, more age-appropriate, or with other families is usually limited by the narcissist.
They need their children to remain in their orbits as their over-identification and projection on their children blind them from recognizing that their children are separate and complete individuals in their own right.
Unfortunately, growing up as an extension of another person can diminish the child’s resources for being able to function independently over time.
Children Who Distance Themselves Are Subject to Hoovering
This behavior is designed to suck others back up into the narcissist’s dysfunctional orbit. As children begin to recognize the unhealthy relationship they have with their narcissistic parent, they may try to distance themselves to protect themselves.
However, narcissistic parents will create the drama or crisis or reward that they believe will woo their child back into their clutches.
Because rejection is possibly the greatest fear a narcissist can experience, their efforts at hoovering their children can be overwhelmingly desperate and powerful.
They Try to Project Their Positive Traits
Narcissists will use both positive and negative projection on those around them to serve their most primal needs for positive reception.
For instance, they will project their most coveted positive traits on their children to reflect well on themselves as parents.
They’ll tell others how brilliant, artistic, mature, considerate their child is and take credit, implicitly or explicitly, for their children’s real or projected talents.
Unfortunately, narcissistic parents will also project all of their shortcomings and failures onto their children, if relevant to their own self-esteem maintenance.
They blame and scapegoat their children, the kids are the reason behind things that don’t go the way of the narcissist or for the narcissist’s poor choices.
Now That You’re an Adult, How Can You Claim Your Space?
Accept that you will unlikely see a significant change in your parent no matter how objectively you see their behaviors or implore them to change.
Take responsibility for your own life and your own choices, as you do have the power to control your responses and your behaviors and your future.
Create boundaries and consequences for parents who cross them, and are willing to, enforce the boundaries if your narcissistic parent tries to disrupt them.
As an adult, you can now see others as individuals in their own right through your own perspective. You may have to invest time and energy into re-defining and re-building relationships with those from whom your narcissistic parent kept you alienated as a child.
Seek out connections and seek out models of healthy relationships; forge bonds that support you, but also that allow you to offer support to others. Understand that healthy relationships are built on mutual respect, mutual regard, and mutual trust.
Set limits on the time that you are willing to invest in the relationship. Prioritize your own emotional well-being and don’t allow yourself to be drawn into parental drama to satisfy their narcissistic appetite for attention.
Remind yourself that you are not responsible for your parent’s happiness or their sense of self and that you are not to blame for your parents’ failures or shortcomings.
Becoming attached to your own abuser is something that is likely to happen if it is your parent or someone you truly love. Read about the signs of bondage.
Over identifying with the abuser
Feeling indebted to the abuser
Feeling that “he or she needs me”
Explaining almost everything away
Protecting the abuser
Allowing the abuse to continue to “please” the abuser
Wearing multiple “hats”
Covering negative emotions in the presence of the abuser
Desiring love and affection despite being hurt
1. Over identifying with the abuser:
There are times when the abused individual may hate the abuser one minute and the next minute make statements or do things that makes the relationship appear better than it actually is.
Some individuals who have endured long-term abuse often find themselves harboring conflicting emotions. There are times when the abused individual may hate the abuser one minute and the next minute make statements or do things that makes the relationship appear better than it actually is.
For example, a child who is being emotionally abused might make statements such as “I hate my uncle for what he has done to me,” and later make a different statement such as “Uncle Tim and I always joke around and go to the movies on Saturdays.”
These two statements and the different wording often perplexes outsiders.
Other abused individuals might make statements such as “Uncle Tim and I always dress alike because we enjoy it,” “Uncle Tim and I are very much alike because we like the same foods,” or “Uncle Tim and I cried when we watched Titanic together for the first time.”
2. Feeling indebted to the abuser:
Some abused individuals may develop a sense of gratitude for something that the abusive individual may have done for them.
For example, if an adolescent female was once homeless and placed in multiple foster care homes but the abusive individual took them in and treated them well before the abuse, the abused individual may feel he or she owes the abuser something. I have been told by severely abused adolescents that the abuser “loved me or he would not have helped me.”
3. Feeling that “he or she needs me”:
Some abused individuals develop an emotional bond to the abuser that makes them feel they sometimes owe the abuser something.
For example, individuals who have been sexually, emotionally, or physically abused may find themselves feeling sorry for the emotional or psychological challenges of the abuser and develop a sense of empathy or compassion for the abuser.
This can lead to the abused individual feeling indebted to the person and dedicated to “helping them get better.” T
his kind of behavior can typically be found in romantic relationships in which the abused individuals becomes so emotionally protective over the abuser that they will endure the abuse in order to please the abuser.
4. Explaining almost everything away:
A very typical behavior of some abused individuals is to make excuses for the abuse. The abuser doesn’t hurt them because they are bad but because “I deserved it. I wasn’t nice that day” or because “he was jealous, I would be too.”
This is often a telltale sign that the abused individual is bonding or bonded to the abuser.
5. Protecting the abuser:
Most of us would run away from someone who is abusing us. We don’t want to experience pain and we don’t want to feel the shame of being abused.
But sometimes because the abuser is often mentally or emotionally disturbed and is the product of a dysfunctional environment, the abused individual can develop such a bond that they feel the need to protect the abuser.
Sometimes the abused individual might stand up for the abuser and go against people who truly care. A teenage girl who has been dating her abusive boyfriend will most likely go against her mother when her mother attempts to highlight negative traits and behaviors in the boyfriend.
6. Allowing the abuse to continue to “please” the abuser:
Some individuals, primarily those who are being sexually abused and manipulated, will permit the abuse to continue to “keep problems down” or “please him/her.” The victim becomes so overwhelmed by a failure to protect or stand up for themselves that they give in.
Or the individual is fearful of walking away and remains in the situation for however long they can.
During my training as a clinician 8yrs ago, a child said to me “he wanted something good from me and I gave it to him because he deserved it. Dad always goes to work for us and is a hard worker.”
7. Wearing multiple “hats”:
Depending on how emotionally or psychologically unstable the abuser is, some abused individuals will play multiple roles in the life of the abuser.
For example, a child who has been physically and verbally abused by a substance abusing parent with 5 other young children might begin to play the role of: “caregiver” to the younger children, “teacher” to the kids who struggle with homework, “surrogate parent,” “babysitter,” “therapist” to the abuser, etc.
Playing multiple roles often results in lack of identity and feeling overwhelmed.
Many children lose their childhood prematurely and end up developing into depressed, anxious, and suicidal adults.
8. Covering negative emotions in the presence of the abuser:
If you are sad and the abuser is happy, you cover your sadness.
If you are happy and the abuser is depressed, you cover your elation.
If you are feeling hopeless and suicidal but the abuser is walking around the house singing and playing music,
you will most likely covering your emotions and go along to get along.
Many of the abused and neglected children and adolescents that I have seen often fall into this category. One 17-year-old female, who was fearful to return to her emotionally abusive environment, reported to me during our final session.
“I was in the middle of crying about the loss of my friend but as soon as I heard Gram coming up the stairs singing, I wiped my tears and put on a smile. When do I ever get to feel what I want to feel?”
9. Desiring love and affection despite being hurt:
Most individuals who are the victims of abuse desire love and affection, sometimes only the love and affection of the abuser.
It’s almost as if the person desires the love and affection of the abuser so much that they will do anything to achieve it. One previous client reported that she would kill herself if her boyfriend of 4yrs told her to do it. Think of suicide bombers.
What is the motivation behind their suicide?
The motivation is often religious dedication or to possibly be accepted by those who support the behaviors of suicide bombers.
You're going to give the wrong gift, and you will never get what you want.
So it's time to exchange gifts with the narcissist in your life.
First, accept two things:
The narcissist will never be happy with your gift.
This will never change.
Here are the common scenarios you will encounter when exchanging gifts with a narcissist, as detailed in my book, Gaslighting: Recognize Manipulative and Emotionally Abusive People — and Break Free.
1. The narcissist tells you that you didn't give them a nice enough gift.
Does this mean the narcissist will then give you a perfect gift to "teach you a lesson"? Maybe to "one-up" you in the beginning, but after that your gifts will be woefully lacking. However, if you ever express upset about a gift the narcissist gives you, you will be stonewalled (completely cut off as a form of punishment), or you will never hear the end of it.
2. There are two sets of rules in this relationship — one for the narcissist and one for you.
To the narcissist, they can play with the rules all they want — but you must stick to rigid relationship rules. The narcissist may even blame you for the fact they "had to" return your gift because "I needed to get something more appropriate" or because "you gave me the wrong gift." Remember, you will always give them the wrong gift. Always.
3. If the narcissist asks you what you want for Christmas, you will most likely not get it.
Telling a narcissist what gift you would like is almost a guarantee you will not get it. But if you do not act like the narcissist's gift is the best ever when you receive it, the narcissist will point out that you are ungrateful or they will stonewall you.
4. You have given so many "wrong" gifts to the narcissist that you decide you'll take the narcissist with you to the store so they can pick out specifically what they would like.
However, the narcissist does not take kindly to this. They call you heartless and uncaring. "How could you not already have a gift for me?" When you explain that you thought it would be better (and maybe more fun) if you went together to get a gift for him/her, they see this as an insult.
5. The narcissist may request a gift that is way out of your price range.
To the narcissist, he/she is worth this extravagant price. However, you tell the narcissist there is really no way you can afford it. The narcissist takes this as a sign of your lack of love for him/her. He/she says you really loved him/her, you would spend whatever it takes. So you buy the gift out of guilt and shame, and wind up paying a large bill later.
For the rest of your relationship, the narcissist will bring up the time that you said a gift was too expensive. They will especially be prone to bringing it up during arguments or when you are around their friends and family, just to embarrass you and put you "in your place."
6. The narcissist will buy you a rather inexpensive gift, but they buy something expensive for themselves on the same shopping trip.
They buy you an item of little value or thought, while they show off the expensive watch they bought themselves when they are at the store. Message: You do not have the same worth as me.
7. You give a gift to the narcissist that you know they will like because they have been talking about wanting this gift for quite a while now.
You think that this time you will have finally given them the "right" gift. You are excited for them to open your gift — this time there is no way the narcissist can say you got them the wrong gift, right?
Nope, your gift will still be wrong. The narcissist will "gaslight" you by telling you they never asked for that gift. Gaslighting is a hallmark of the narcissist. The narcissist tells you they never said something that you swear they said — or they twist your own words.
8. Here's a twist on number 7 above — you get a gift the narcissist has been wanting for a while — you are sure this time you got it "right."
But the narcissist tells you the gift is the wrong kind or wrong style of what they said they wanted. To top it off, the narcissist yells that you are selfish for not paying attention to what they said they wanted — and they made it "so simple" for you. They may even tell you that you are the stupidest person they've ever met. Narcissists are really good at calling other people "selfish." It's a statement they're really making about themselves.
9. The narcissist asks for a designer cashmere sweater for Christmas.
You get them a red sweater, because you know that's their favorite color. The narcissist opens the gift, and asks why you would get them a red sweater. Don't you know they already have two red sweaters? What made you think they liked red? What were you thinking? Oh, it's because you were only thinking of yourself. (Does this sound familiar?)
10. If the narcissist does get you something they consider to be pricey, they will leave the price tag on your gift.
This isn't for ease of returning the item — the narcissist doesn't even make an attempt to cross out the price of the gift. Message: Look how much money I spent on you. You should be grateful. You owe me.
11. The narcissist barely tries to wrap your gifts.
In the beginning, you received gifts that looked professionally wrapped. The narcissist was trying to look good. However, that ended quickly into your relationship. Now you are given gifts that aren't wrapped and still in the shopping bag. It's not that the narcissist doesn't know how to wrap gifts — they just don't put that much thought into it.
12. The narcissist tends to ruin holidays with drama and stonewalling.
Accept that whatever you do will be wrong. Even something that was acceptable by the relationship "rules" you must follow is now the worst violation ever to the narcissist. You will be stonewalled or berated on major holidays and birthdays.
So what can you do?
Again, accept that the narcissist will never change.
The narcissist thinks everyone else has a problem — not them.
Take a hard look at how long you want to be exposed to this kind of behavior. What kind of toll is it taking on your emotional and physical health?
Consider talking to a mental health professional on your own. (Narcissists will either refuse to go to a counselor, charm the counselor, and/or tell the counselor it is all your fault.)
Growing up with a parent who has narcissistic qualities may condition a person to ignore their own needs. Healing is hard work, but these strategies can help.
To recover from the emotional abuse caused by a parent with narcissistic tendencies, you must repair your reality—a reality that has been skewed and damaged by your experience of parenting.
You are recovering from a serious interpersonal trauma.
The repair process HAS NOTHING to do with
self-improvement,
fixing your parent, or
working on the relationship with your parent.
When you grow up around a parent with narcissistic qualities:
You may be conditioned to believe that only the voice of that person matters.
You may learn that only that person is allowed to have and express feelings and opinions.
You may shut off your voice and needs in order to meet your parent’s needs.
You may watch your other parent abide or acquiesce, and without thinking, the entire family may follow suit.
LEARNING TO LOVE YOURSELF
In order to heal, it is time to start focusing on what it means to experience self-value. Here are four strategies you can incorporate in your life from this day forward to “rewire” your brain and encourage self-value:
1. Develop Self-Compassion
Developing self-compassion can prove quite challenging for some people. It can trigger emotional flashbacks in some individuals who have been exposed to cyclical abuse where compassion was part of the setup for the next attack. It can also be difficult for those who grew up in emotionally neglectful homes and rarely or never received compassion (Germer and Neff, 2014).
Realize that compassion may be absent in a relationship with a person with narcissism, and since parents are so essential for demonstrating empathy to their children, the kids may grow up underdeveloped in this area, particularly when it comes to compassion toward the self.
Be patient as you learn to create kindheartedness toward yourself. Consider what you would say to someone else in similar circumstances, or what benevolent friends have said to you in the past to bring you comfort; learn to say these same words to yourself (Germer and Neff, 2014).
2. Eliminate Your Inner Critic and Toxic Shame
Your “inner child” holds on to the hope that if it becomes smart, helpful, talented, and flawless enough, your parent will finally love it. The continued failure to win the approval of the parent leads the inner child to conclude that it is defective and unlovable. Thus, the child learns through this self-reflection process to self-criticize (Neff, n.d.).
Your “inner child” holds on to the hope that if it becomes smart, helpful, talented, and flawless enough, your parent will finally love it. The continued failure to win the approval of the parent leads the inner child to conclude that it is defective and unlovable.
Because of the constant projection and implication of failure on the part of your parent, you not only have a hurt inner child, but you likely also have an internalized “inner parent” in the form of a punitive voice and inner critic. Hearing the internalized voice of the inner critic continues the experience of toxic shame.
You can eliminate shame by learning to be vulnerable with safe people. As you begin to make connections with safe people, start telling them your story (Brown, 2010).
3. Build Self-Trust
Visualize your traumatized inner child and start developing a relationship with it that is comforting, accepting, strong, secure, and safe. The best way to learn self-trust is to start treating yourself well.
Since you have been in a close interpersonal relationship with a parent with narcissism, you have missed out on the role modeling and mirroring of healthy nurturing.
Because of this, you may experience attachment trauma, a faulty inner working model for relationships, and an inaccurate belief system about yourself in relationship to others (Courtois and Ford, 2013).
This needs repair. Stop rejecting yourself and start repairing the damage your parent has caused. You can do this. Embrace your inner child with warmth and acceptance (Walker, 2013).
4. Exercise Self-Care
Because your parent with narcissism has trained you to focus only on their reactions, you may be conditioned to focus outside of yourself and may have no idea how to look internally at your own needs.
Begin to embark on a journey of self-care. Develop an “inner nurturer” and let it have a strong presence in your life. Write a list of happy, healthy things you can do with and for yourself each day.
CONCLUSION
Please realize that this article only touches the surface of what can happen with a person raised with a parent with narcissistic tendencies and is just a beginning point for what is needed to heal.
Recovery from any type of abuse is a process, one that may take a lifetime. Allow yourself the gifts of time, grace, and unhurried, relaxed baby steps.
Do not rush the process.
Learn to enjoy each day as it comes and be mindful of what you are experiencing and learning.
Work to eliminate the critic that resides inside your head.
Ultimately, the recovery process involves developing a healthy relationship with self and others. Seek support from a therapist as needed.
Its impact on attachment security and later caregiving behaviors.
Daughters who experienced higher early misogyny and sexism reported higher feelings of insecure attachment between themselves and their primary caregivers.
Daughters who experienced insecure attachment with misogyny in their early caregiver experience showed a (non-significant) trend toward higher neglect with their own children.
One of the strengths of this study was the creation of a misogyny scale which future studies could further validate.
In conclusion,
the connection between mother's experiences of misogyny and their subsequent parenting practices
may offer some insight as to why these mothers exhibit abusive and/or neglectful behaviors toward their children,
enabling clinicians to provide more informed and appropriate interventions and treatments.
The core conflict for the daughter whose mother didn’t love her or meet her emotional needs in childhood and adolescence isn’t resolved by reaching adulthood.
Because our culture sides with the mother—buying into the mythology that all mothers are loving because nurturing their young is instinctual—and puts the daughter on trial, the struggle has a public face in addition to a private one.
For the first 18 years of her life, the daughter has no choice but to deal with her mother. While getting out of her childhood home is freeing in one sense, it’s not an instant solution.
Her wounding isn’t salved by independence, and her longing for the stability and comfort she needs and craves continues.
At some point in their adult lives, unloved daughters have to make a choice to salvage some kind of relationship from the wreckage or give up and move on. Neither choice is a spur-of-the-moment decision but is usually preceded by years of going back and forth between the alternatives.
I call that “going back to the well” because even though the daughter knows that the well is dry, her impulse is to try just one more time, just in case.
I posed the question about salvaging the relationship to readers on my Facebook page and the responses reflected sadness, loss, and umbrage. It wasn’t surprising: What to do about an unloving mother is a hot-button topic about which people feel very strongly.
Having waged this particular battle myself for more than two decades, from my twenties through my thirties, I get how much is at stake.
There’s the tantalizing and ever-hopeful possibility of real reconciliation, accompanied by some long-wished-for recognition by the mother that her daughter really is lovable. Yes, cue the violins for the Hollywood ending.
Alas, this is almost always a pipe dream.
But many daughters, daunted by the cultural onus of cutting off contact and the emotional losses involved, are motivated to try to keep the relationship intact in some way.
Social pressure is a factor, as is the daughter’s fear of making a mistake and denying her children an extended family. Keep in mind that the decision to divorce your mother inevitably leads to estrangement with other members of your family as well.
The Obstacle Course
Trying to salvage the relationship for most is like navigating an obstacle course. Some daughters choose to keep the relationship going even though it involves maintaining the painful status quo. One daughter explained it this way:
“I chose to salvage my relationship with her because I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that my mother tried the best she knew how, but she was crippled by the cycle of violence from her mom and her grandmother. I know some daughters don't have that assurance, though.”
But when questioned, this individual admitted that the going wasn’t smooth: “It depends on the day.
There are still unhealthy boundaries but what helps is having better coping mechanisms. I developed a support system completely outside of my family.”
When I asked her whether the exchanges were still hurtful, she replied, “It hurts but I also worry about regretting not having anything to do with her before she dies. Fear is a terrible motivator. But I choose to keep her at arm’s length. I pity her.”
But the obstacles, despite a daughter’s best efforts, remain. Among them are:
Lack of acknowledgment or plain denial on the mother’s part
Salvaging the relationship has to be a dyadic process, with the mother acceding at least to most, if not all, of the daughter’s requests. Unfortunately that’s not always the case. As one daughter commented:
“I’m in awe of people who can continue to have a relationship with their narcissistic mothers. I, for one, couldn’t do it. I’ve been no contact for almost 10 years even though she lives across the street. (Yes, she followed me here. What kind of madness is that?) But I’m just not strong enough to handle that abuse every day. And my fear is that she’d poison my daughter against me.”
Her mother’s unwillingness to acknowledge her behavior understandably became the linchpin for another daughter in her own middle age:
“At the age of 50, I asked myself...how long was I going to beg for my mother's love or for an apology or even for an acknowledgment of what went on...? I gave that up and mourned the loss of my childhood and of the mother I never really had. I felt that at 50, it had become pathetic. Pathetic that I allowed myself to chase after that for half of my life."
Refusal to respect boundaries
The struggle to maintain boundaries often is an enormous issue for adult daughters since combative, dismissive, self-involved, controlling, and enmeshed mothers have never observed boundaries and believe that motherhood confers the right to intrude whenever and however.
Setting boundaries inspires some women to go “low contact"—with few in-person get-togethers and limited communication—but that’s often difficult to maintain. One woman wrote:
“My mother is as convinced of her right to intrude on my privacy and to meddle in my affairs as she was when I was 12. Never mind that I’m 45 and the mother of three. She just doesn’t get it. She orchestrates drama all the time and, frankly, it’s intolerable. This isn’t working.”
Continued verbal aggression, abuse, manipulation, and game-playing
Without acknowledgment and work, mothers tend to keep acting as they always have, despite the daughters’ efforts to develop new scripts. Ellie reported, with sadness and resignation:
Deciding that Divorce or No Contact Is the Only Answer
Maternal divorce also doesn’t answer the larger problem of being unloved. In truth, going no contact is the first step in a long process which, in the best of all possible worlds, includes mourning the mother love you didn’t get and so richly deserved. And, hopefully, the growth of your own self-compassion.
And the stilling of the voice within—internalized from years of criticism and verbal
These moments of choice, no matter how we choose, are fraught and painful. I went no contact, as I’ve written before, when I discovered I was pregnant with a girl.
The thought of her hearing my mother berate me or, worse, the possibility that my mother might be cruel to her turned the tide. What I couldn’t do for myself, I did for my daughter. The only thing I regret is that she was my mother to begin with. I deserved better.
At our most optimistic, we like to believe that all close bonds can somehow be repaired or salvaged so that we’re not left with nothing.
This is especially true when it comes to a relationship—that of mother and child—which our culture places on a pedestal, separate from all other connections. The pity is that, much of the time, it can’t be.
Yes, these people are great at self-presentation, which is why, initially at least, they are so attractive. Many are actually good-looking and in good shape (don't forget, they care about themselves first and foremost), and they can ooze charm.
Success matters to the narcissist — or at least the appearance of success — and he’ll show evidence of one or the other, so that’s part of the turn-on, too.
2. He appears to be accommodating.
While many descriptions of narcissistic behavior would have you imagine someone who begins every sentence with “I” and demands that everything be done his way, it’s actually more complicated than that.
You don't fall for it because you're stupid, but because you misread his motivation.
3. He puts you on a pedestal.
The narcissist needs to believe he is special, and, in the logical scheme of things, so then must you be, or he wouldn’t be with you.
And if your narcissist falls short of putting you on a pedestal, you may notice that at the beginning at least, he is full of praise, which is, of course, flattering.
4. He seduces you with the roller-coaster relationship.
The seduction of the highs and lows in a relationship that looks like a grand passion is the narcissist’s specialty.
Alas, this fits into some of the most mistaken ideas many people have about romantic love, and you may find yourself saying things like, “Isn’t quarreling part of love, after all?”
Or, “Isn’t disagreement part of what happens when two independent spirits get together?”
To add to these rationalizations, you’ll then just focus on the hot make-up sex. (It’s unclear when dependence became a dirty word and the idea of a perfect relationship became two self-sufficient planets circling each other.
So the trap is set ... and you’re probably willing to walk into it, at least for a time.
5. He’s sexually accomplished.
Yes, on a technical level at least, because the narcissist prides himself at being better than anyone at everything, and he’s willing to try pretty much anything that gives him pleasure.
Of course, the emotional connection that is part of really great sex eludes him since he’s fundamentally shut off; alas, it may take you a while to appreciate the difference.
6. He knows how to game your investment in the relationship — and your empathy, too.
Above all, the narcissist is a game player, and he doesn’t shy away from brinksmanship either, and until you see that clearly, you’re pretty much toast.
When an honest and caring person is up against someone who’s more than willing to lie, happy to manipulate, and, at the end of the day, doesn’t care about you, you don’t stand a chance.
Keep in mind that the narcissist likes being in a relationship and actually needs to be in one, because he uses it to self-regulate — to enhance himself or maintain his self-esteem.
He wants you in the relationship, because he likes the control and keeping you off-balance, but at the same time, he wants his autonomy too. It’s not that he doesn’t have any positive feelings for you — he well may — but they are relatively shallow, since he’s not interested in intimacy, and in the scheme of things, his own needs absolutely come first.
