finding freedom @lavernedawn - Tumblr Blog

Bring on 2016!!

Last year, when I wrote my reflection, I remembered 2014 as being one of the hardest and shittiest years around.

Lol. I hadn’t experienced 2015 yet.

A lot of tears were shed this year, but I like to think they are tears that will eventually catapult me to where I need to be; intentionally grateful and happy. No more sitting around and waiting for things to happen to me, and being upset when they don’t. In 2016 I am going to grab life and take what I want from it myself. More smiles, more pictures, more laughter, more adventure. And I’m going to leave behind the overwhelming negativity because I am tired of it and I’m done with it. I no longer want it plaguing my life.

So yes, 2015 was a hard year. A year in which I spent far too much time hiding from the real world, too much time complaining about my situations without doing anything to change them. But I’ve learned from that, and the lesson that I need to make my life meaningful is what I’m going to take from 2015. That, and also the times that I did laugh and smile and the times when I was genuinely happy, because those happened too and they were important.

So, to say goodbye to 2015, here are 15 events, memories, and lessons that I’ll take with me and remember.

15. I ran my first marathon! It wasn’t spectacular like I hoped but I crossed both the start and the finish lines and for that, I am forever proud of myself. Bring on marathon number 2!

14. I went vegan! For years, I have been flirting with vegetarianism and living a more natural and cruelty free lifestyle, but I finally made the biggest step and went fully vegan. And I couldn’t be happier!

13. I started (irregularly, but still) going to counseling in order to work through the things contributing to my depression. It is going to be a long process, and one that I am going to recommit to in 2016, but it was a big step for me, as I’d been avoiding therapy for ages.

12. I adopted a lil hedgehog named Roxy! She’s a silly little joy, and I’m so happy to have her around!

11. I worked at a summer camp for the first time which was such a terrifying, wonderful, and rewarding experience. My kids were such a big joy in my life, and spending the summer outdoors in the woods in Maine was so good for me. Ready for round two this summer!

10. I bought a guitar! I’ve played on and off for so many years but for the first time, it finally feels like this instrument and my music belongs to me. I’ve gotten so much more confident singing in front of others now (still got a ways to go) and part of that is due to my guitar and I love her and I can’t wait to get even better!

9. I wrote (a draft of) my first capstone, which means I finished one of my majors! I still kind of hate the draft (classic) but eventually I hope to turn it into a full length book of poetry that I can be proud of.

8. I had a poem published! In a real journal! In a book! With my name on it!

7. I ran my second half marathon and PR’d.

6. I had an astrology reading done because astrology is really important to me, and it was very insightful, daunting, and inspiring. The stars and the universe have played a big role in my life lately, so I was so glad I got a chance to do this.

5. I did a 100 happy days project which at the time was a good way for me to find happiness and create memories. Looking back on those pictures, it kind of feels like a completely different life, but I’m glad I did it and stuck with the challenge all the way through.

4. I turned 21! And had a bit of a failure of a birthday (that’s funny now), but that’s okay, I hit the milestone. And I got to read a letter that my 16 year old self wrote to me at 21, and that was incredible.

3. Ever since freshman year, it was a goal of mine to be cast and perform in a faculty show in our Main Stage theatre, and I did that! And in some ways it was the most validating theatre experience I’ve had to date.

2. I set out on a quest to run a race in all 50 states, plus DC! So far, 3 down, 47 to go!

1. I lost my best friend and I survived. I lost a lot of friends and I survived. It’s still tough to walk around campus feeling isolated and alone, and seeing the people that I used to surround myself with, that used to feel like family, but I’ve been learning that it’s okay to let people go, that even if it hurts, I don’t need to remain in relationships that cause me pain or suffering. I deserve love and true friendship, and I’ll find that. And it’s going to start with me, and I couldn’t be more excited to begin loving myself. It’ll be hard, I’ll have so many pitfalls, but I know it will be so, so worth it.

So, goodbye 2015. Next year I’m going to say that 2016 was the best year of my life, because I’m going to make sure it is. Here’s to happiness, adventure, gratitude, laughter, smiles, and lots and lots of dancing in the new year. I hope it’s everything I could ever dream of.

Happy New Year!

#happy new year #new year #2016 #2015

I feel like the only people that actually care about me here are graduating and I’ve never felt more lonely in my life.

five of thirty: insomniatic love poems, pt. iii: the emptiness you leave behind

there are spaces in my body that never existed before;

for example, the expanse between my hand and yours, between my left and my right, between my fingers

for example, the air that lines the inside of my stomach, no longer accepting food— just, accepting

or in my bones which i am sure have become more porous over the weeks than previously somebody tells me this is not dangerous and i ask then why it feels that way

if it is possible to push everything back together.

#writing #mywriting #poetry #spilled ink #rejectscorner #National Poetry Month

brother, brother let me love you whisper all your deepest fears, you can trust me and when it’s over we can begin finally to make amends, try to save us.

don’t try to fight, don’t let me go you’ve gone too far from what i know i lost my heart in the dark with you father, father why you let me go father please don’t let me go.

#today's feels #father father #laura mvula

four of thirty: a lesson in memory and absent fathers

You remember that her name was Helga. Nothing else comes quite so easily—when you try to remember what she looked like, the surface of the beige bedroom door is all that comes to mind. Her voice from behind it, too, but even what that sounded like, you can’t recall.

At some point in time, memory always decides to play tricks on us, decides what remains and what gets buried under the years. You have never been able to figure out if this system is arbitrary. It feels like it is, and yet you still try to ascribe a sense of significance to the things you are able to pull up.

Like the fact that there were two cats, Peaches and Herb, and some fish, and you can neither remember what happened to any of them nor decipher why these are the things that have stuck with you. You’re fairly sure Helga was white. But then again, maybe not.

And then there was the day when he bought your sisters scooters, and they made sure to point out that he hadn’t bought one for you. And later in the living room when he handed you the box, you remember solemnly stating that it wasn’t for you, when in reality there were three boxes to give out, and he was sure this one was yours.

Mostly you remember the absences. The dried peaches on top of the refrigerator, too, but more importantly those Saturday mornings spent kneeling on the couch, staring expectantly out of the window for a car that would never come. And even though now you can’t remember when it was, you know there was a time when you remembered other things, too.

Like the fact that his middle initial is A., and though you used to know something as important as his name, for years now you haven’t even been able to remember what that stands for.

#writing #mywriting #poetry #spilled ink #rejectscorner #National Poetry Month

to 11:11,

please let this one come true.

three of thirty

The day your grandfather died you sat over cold scrambled eggs, dialed my number before anyone else’s, even though we’d broken up three months before. I sat on the other end in silence, while your tears dropped somewhere hundreds of miles away from me.

I still haven’t learned how to tell you that these days we must start to grieve on our own.

#national poetry month #mywriting #i ran out of time #oops

crispculture

locdup22

That hoodie tho👌

tylanderrr

need this hoodie frfr

two of thirty

Dawn. Your mother stands in front of the mirror, unclothed, at the foot of the bed where you lay, slowly lifting from your sleep. It is summer and she is fresh from the shower, luminescent damp like the dewy grass outside.

She thinks you are still dreaming; she used to do this often—would trust you with the bends of her body as if your hands were the ones that made them. Shame did not exist in those days. You forget when it began.

In this gentle light it is easy to see the soft cracks that line her skin, easy to imagine that these are the spaces you came out of, that every time she exhales, a little more of you is sent into the world that surrounds her.

Dawn. Your mother knows you are no longer dreaming, is just beginning to trust you again, or perhaps is trying to share herself with you once more. This, her nakedness seems to say, this is your future. This is who you will become.

#writing #mywriting #poetry #national poetry month #spilled ink #rejectscorner

i did not cry once today and the sun was shining and i spent time with good people and reconciled things with friends and maybe not everything is perfect but it’s the best day i’ve had in weeks and that counts for a lot.

mostly i am trying to remember to be happy and today is a success.

one of thirty: litany

this sky is shattered gold. tall reeds on a hilltop bow heads to blown glass martyrs. crystallized hearts beating like anxiety. this is the corner where you lost your first tooth, remember? hands painted still like prayers. river weekends bringing childhood gods closer. at sunday school they’d teach you about jesus, the holy ghost; ghosts have never been holy, not like bodies, anyway. this, this is where you lost your virginity. remember? these days it is hard to recall what heaven felt like. daily you remind your heart to keep beating. you are sure this is keeping you alive.

#poetry #writing #mywriting #national poetry month #spilled ink