The F Word
I hear it all the time. The sound of it penetrates into my pschye causing a shiver response down my spine as my face contorts into a cringe. The most overused word in the english language used as an adjective for any and every situation with no common demoninator except the speakers lack of vocabulary. It's commonality ripples through society passed from person to person on the wings of agreement as children pick up the words their parents spoon fed them unknowingly. It apparently has the ability to sucesssfully encapsulate every emotion and present it unattractively in conversation. In disdain I realise this conversation has ended before its begun, the F word has sucked out any elaboration or further description;Ā my english teacher would be horrified. Four letter word, one syllable - destructive, verbal abuse. I asked how are you? Your reply f***. I can offer no further progression as I question your mood and you repeat the word consistently so I leave it alone. Avoidance technique, the perfect word to reduce interrogation,Ā it slips smoothly off your tongue as it has been used multiple times before. With each letter the bricks stack up cementing the wall between us, a toughĀ barrier to break. I pace outside your intense security system, avoiding the growling manic looking dogs, expensive alarm system and jump back as I am startled by the flashing light and robotic warning "you are too close to the vehicle". Maybe I should just believe you have everything under control and don't need me to monitor your emotional status. We're all adults here, I dont want to swear but this is a direct quote so I should be alright. I asked you how you are and you said FINE! Fine? A sum of money exacted as a penalty? Small particles? The place where a piece of music finishes? As i scan the pages of my online dictionary dilligently seeking a definition that matches your use of the word I remain stumped. An excellent choice in quality? Superior in skill? None of these bear any slight resemblance to the tone that escaped your lips exasperated as your eyes rose to the heavens and your shoulders crumpled under the weight of anxiety on your back. Fine. What a cop out!! When arguments reach catastrophic levels of intensity as no common ground is found and the verbal soldiers poise their artillery in dramatic attempts at victory false surrender is shouted in anger: FINE!!! Have it your way. Whatever! Nothing is fine. When the 9 year old returns home after surviving 6 periods of horrific bullying and is asked how his day was: FINE. The word that is followed by stiffled silence as the heart is refrained from releasing inner feelings to protect against vulnerability. A word that is accompanied by fake smiles as cheeks ache from keeping tears inside. When an apology barely covers the depth of the wound it's: FINE. Nothing's fine. Purely an attempt to remain in control and not be honest with ourselves or each other. The etiquette response to how are you which leaves our relationships echoing surface level statements, truth lost in elementary small talk. FINE is the desired reply to a question no one really wants the answer to so we drown in the shallowness of our conversations, mirroring each other's fineness, broadcasting fantasy, reflecting falsehood. I hate the F word.
