i roll up

you aren't my real dad!

[observando]

[pandaaamonium14]

How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces? These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place. ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’ ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! _______________________________ ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth? WITNESS: July 18th. ATTORNEY: What year? WITNESS: Every year. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you? WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which. ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you? WITNESS: Forty-five years. _________________________________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget.. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ____________________________________ ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ. ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you shitting me? _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Getting laid ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: She had three children , right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death.. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Take a guess. ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight. _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral… _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question? ______________________________________ And last: ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No.. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

[skrillcholas-cage]

oh my god these are great

[princemetalthunder]

fuck this is like reading a jokes and not actual quotes

[de-la-poussey-deactivated201812]

[ryanwritesthingz-deactivated202]

The tears are already rolling 😢

[thorffour-deactivated20190920]

[nbeenary]

[fail-boat]

My foster kitten

[fail-boat]

is trying

[fail-boat]

to steal

[fail-boat]

my beer.

[lilragekitten]

Guys… 

Please… 

turn the sound on and watch my friends foster kitten yell at her because she won’t let her develop an alcohol addiction. 

I love Jocelyn the kitten. 

[fr0g-queen-deactivated20240709]

Omg precios baby 😭

[obsessedwithgoldens]

[nickoh-las]

I would die for him

[househunting]

$1,399,000/4 br/3600 sq ft

Saint Augustine, FL

built in 1886

[averagefairy]

cool girls are everywhere but its such a challenge to find one guy thats like mildly interesting to talk to……. it’s like they all have the personality of an actual adidas sandal

[rudiecantfailtomakeyoucum-deact]

Maybe you’re a bitch

[averagefairy]

i mean i definitely am but youre still boring

[swolizard]

The reason some girls wear make up..

[morebuttermorebetter]

Ive…. missed this video… i feel… replenished

[champagne-zaddy]

This refueled my energy

[artsyasfuckk]

a mood

[househunting]

$161,928/3 br/1780 sq ft

Jeffersonville, IN

built in 1926

[househunting]

$218,000/3 br/2300 sq ft

Cherryfield, ME

built in 1875

[barbietrademark]

When Starbucks has literally nothing...

Barista: What can we make for you today? Oh yeah we're only taking debit or credit cards, are you paying with cash?

Me: Nope, credit. Can I get a grande almond protein blended cold brew?

Barista: We're outta that.

Me: Okay can I get an iced venti caramel macchiato with almond milk?

Barista: We don't got almond milk, I just said that.

Me: Coconut milk?

Barista: Outta that too.

Me: Soy milk?

Barista: (to Barista 2) Do we have soy milk?

Barista 2: No.

Barista: We don't have any soy milk.

Me: Alright, how about an iced venti caramel macchiato with non-fat milk.

Barista: We're out of EXPRESSO.

Me: You don't have espresso?

Barista: That's what I said.

Me: Alright, can I get a grande mint majesty tea?

Barista 2: We don't have that either.

Me: Wow! You're out of everything, what do you have?

Barista 2: Brewed coffee.

Me: Okay, how about a grande dark roast with room.

Barista: We only have blonde.

Me: *picks a bottle of water out of the cooler* I'll just take this, thank you.

[theluminator]

his first time at the beach and………… 😭💦

[a-framed-dog]

Oooh noooooo

[shubbabang]

Patreon | Webtoon

[mylifeissogay]

I am crying, her fucking face killed me.

[househunting]

$2,490,000/6br/8950 sq ft

Portland, OR

built in 1885

[househunting]

$199,900/5 br/6420 sq ft

Ladoga, IN 

built in 1883

[goawfma]

lil matt damon SNAPPED

[willsmithsmackedtheshitoutofme]

He looks exactly like Matt Damon

[te-amo-corazon]

the finger points 😭😭

[sexrobotsrightsactivist]

GOOD MORNTING! BABY MATT DAMON WAS NOT FUCKING AROUND THAT DAY.