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“leaving so soon?” unfamiliar yet familiar arm wrapped around your waist as you tried to escape from the unknown man’s bed. the more foreign the arms were, the more guilt spread around your chest; the shame of your wrongdoings. with unspoken words, you got up and left the man’s apartment. the strange route to your apartment gave you another slap of shame, just shame.
the door; unlocked. your heart started racing, million thoughts ran across your mind. he knows. how can he not? the thing was; you ran away for countless reasons; not because you were scared but because you were not bothered by every action that could possibly hurt your significant other. jaehyun was different, instead of letting you sprint away to your wonderland, he would talk about it. so unfamiliar gesture by someone you deserve no ounce of respect from.
“where were you?” billion dollar question, but was it worth winning and losing him, so you lied. “i was at my friend’s house.” you uttered softly with almost no hesitation. shameless. you shut your washroom’s door as you finally saw your reflection clearly, on the mirror in front of you. the shame arising making you look away from the mirror.
you lied. you lied. for what? at what cost? at the end, he will find out, he will know what you have been doing behind his back. he will look at you with disgust and agony. he will be in pain; caused by you, because of your wants; your unstability. you. you are the cause of what you have become now. but; jaehyun is delicate, he is gentle with what he has, cherishes what he loves; he cherishes you, loves you yet that is how you repay him.
so, you twisted the doorknob as your feet naturally brought you towards him. “i cheated, on you.” relieve was not the first thing you felt after the unspoken words left your lips. guilt, hurt and the urge to hug him. the man stood still facing you, his eyes glitched with pain, almost not believing it. “no, you are lying to me. you were with your friends.” he spoke with his raspy voice yet he did not move an inch. the jeopardy of your relationship was you, nobody else. just you.
“listen to me clearly. i went home with another man who i don’t even know anything about. i just came back from his house.” you spoke with no emotions; who are you to show your vulnerability when all you did was, hurt others? the sun shine upon through the window of your sitting room in your apartment, your eyes glanced at jaehyun’s silhouette on the floor of yours, eyes failing to glance his.
“do-” he whispered, barely audible - “do you not love me anymore? is it something i did?” he touched your cheeks, as your teary eyes met his. questions, nothing but questions flooded in your mind; how do you comfort the person you have hurt? how are you so worthy to be held by him even now? “i do. i do love you.” because you do, there is no denying, you do. there is no understanding on what you did; that is why he needs to go.
“but why-” the man was lost in his own words, forming words into sentences as he questioned you with his clouded mind, “you need to leave.” you stepped away from his palm, warmth leaving your cheeks. so familiar, yet so foreign, so distant. why do you destroy the love you recieve from your own hands; why are you the murderer of your own happiness?
“this is so fucking stupid, you lied to me then told me you cheated on me, said you love me. now you are asking me to leave?” this was his breaking point, the probability of this being a nightmare was low. “you want to stay with a woman who cheated on you?” you raised your voice, his actions were laughable, how can he stand few steps away from you and does not scream at you? how much are you able to hurt him?
“i am asking for an explanation, y/n. why did you do that?” his voice was laced with hurt and anger as he clenched and unclenched his fist, repeatedly. “i am not good with relationships neither am i convincing you that whatever i did was a mistake so you can easily forgive me. not being good in relationships is also not an excuse. i simply did not think about you when i did what i did, last night.” you wiped your tears away from your cheeks quickly, glancing at jaehyun, who was taking in what you said.
one step, two steps away from you.
the more he dragged his feets away from you, the need to step forward was desperate. you wanted to reach for his hands and hold it. ask for forgiveness, beg him to stay, anything. “i am leaving then. thank you for everything.” he smiled, sadly; tears escaping down his cheeks. so you reached out for his hands; for him to move back, once again. your palm itched, itched for his hands, you want to hold him, so much.
“yeah, that’s okay. please, know that you tried your best in this relationship. you were never the problem, please please, never blame yourself for anything. god, you gave so much love to me. you have so much love in yourself-” you smiled back at him, maybe another time, another time where you know yourself better then you can cross path with him and fall in love all over again. “so fall in love again, please be happy with someone who gives you love and happiness. i will always root for you.”
the sun still shines bright, it’s april again. the cherry blossom is overrated in your opinion. you personally like sitting on the rooftop of your workplace where you can observe the whole seoul.
for now, you fixed your borrowed dress as you were about to leave the venue, “you came?” the voice you yearned so much, jaehyun, he wore his black tuxedo; how perfect for a groom. he looks happy. “i would never miss your wedding.” you gave a soft smile, you stared at his eyes; happiness, warmth, still comforting. he just does not look happy, he looks in love. “i am so happy for you.”
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