The One True Ruler Of France

[A joke RP blog for a delusional version of] Napoléon I, Empereur des Français

[le-petit-caporal]

Napoléon I

𝐸𝑚𝑝𝑒𝑟𝑒𝑢𝑟 𝑑𝑒𝑠 𝐹𝑟𝑎𝑛𝑐̧𝑎𝑖𝑠, 𝑅𝑜𝑖 𝑑'𝐼𝑡𝑎𝑙𝑖𝑒…

…𝑒𝑡 𝑙𝑒 𝑠𝑒𝑢𝑙 𝑣𝑒́𝑟𝑖𝑡𝑎𝑏𝑙𝑒 𝑠𝑜𝑢𝑣𝑒𝑟𝑎𝑖𝑛 𝑑𝑒 𝑙𝑎 𝐹𝑟𝑎𝑛𝑐𝑒.

⊱•————————↠•↞————————•⊰

Well, if you have been allowed an audience with me then your problem must be at least vaguely important, but do be quick about it, I am a busy man. I do, after all, have an empire to manage, despite the veritably untrue claims that I lost.

I vehemently refute such claims. It should be clear from our surroundings - Château de Malmaison, as you can clearly see - and from my prevalence on the world stage that all of it is just lies spread by my enemies to discredit me. I did, in fact, return to France and take back what is rightfully mine, and I crushed all those opposed to it.

I have now been encouraged to develop a presence on this... platform, as they call it, in order to reestablish my position in this new, strange place. I am told it is the Afterlife, and indeed I must say that there are some peculiarities with this version of Malmaison and the estate, but I am not sure as of yet whether to believe it.

Also, my horse Marengo is here, and somehow has acquired the ability to answer questions too. Please raise any concerns about excessive horse sentience with his groom.

If it is the Afterlife, then know I am just the same as I was in life. Those who betrayed me should beware.

...Anyways, what did you want?

⊱•————————↠•↞————————•⊰

Important Note: This is a satire RP account, and this fictionalised interpretation of Napoleon is intentionally deluded as to what happened in actual history, and rather rudely opinionated about it. Unlike my other blogs, this one does not adhere to historical continuity or accuracy post-1814, and this version of Napoleon does indeed believe that he won during the Hundred Days and took back his empire. Before 1814, historical continuity applies.

⊱•————————↠•↞————————•⊰

Notes sur l'Organisation:

#l'empereur répond : Napoleon answers asks.

#correspondance de l'empereur : RP involving Napoleon.

#proclamations de l'empereur : Napoleon posts of his own accord.

#the emperor reblogs : Anything that Napoleon reblogs in-character.

#particularités de malmaison : Lore posts relating to the deluded and strange version of Malmaison in the afterlife.

#ooc : Out of character posts.

⊱•————————↠•↞————————•⊰

Welcome to my comedic RP blog for Napoleon Bonaparte! This mildly unhinged operation is run by @upbeatmeeting, who for immersion is sometimes referred to in-character as the adjutant.

I am no historian on Napoleon and his life, and as noted above this fictionalised version of him is intentionally deluded and inaccurate post-1814. I do try to portray him somewhat accurately in terms of his relationships with others, thoughts and actions, although I do portray him as a rather insufferable man and I also cannot guarantee accuracy. What I mean to say is that this isn't 100% accurate and I'm not sure it ever will be. I'm just here to have a bit of fun. Also check out this list of the other members of this wacky roleplay scene.

As above, correspondence (and with that, magic anons) is most welcome. However, do endeavour not to be a cunt, because you will find yourself blocked and yeeted into The Void. I reserve the right not to answer and I will not be answering anything egregiously NSFW or otherwise inappropriate, though a little suggestive is okay.

Have fun :)

Oh, and maybe one day people's names will stop getting autocorrected. Until then, please ignore spelling errors. Also, my French sucks. I know.

[marquis-de-sade-official]

@le-petit-caporal how do your efforts progress with these fortunate guerrillas in Spain? . . .How do the modernists say, “are you winning, son?”

[le-petit-caporal]

Fine, thank you very much. Why on earth would someone like you want to know? Besides, you could do this thing called reading a newspaper, although I appreciate you're likely too busy turning your attention to some filth or other to attend to anything useful.

[marquis-de-sade-official]

You surprise me with a letter! I excite myself.

Alas, the news these days is too often filled with bombastic remarks and speculative libel it is difficult to tell what is true despite its deliciousness. I am desirous the worst of it!

I was once a cavalryman.

Whilst I am in favor of our little revolution —and what you managed thereafter of course— such desires for anguish knows no limitations, and likewise this macabre curiosity sated by little other than satisfaction.

With your haughty prestige you might permit my release, I would be indebted and serviceable.

[le-petit-caporal]

Perhaps I misunderstand you, but are you seriously suggesting that I have you released, and then trust you to reenter the service and behave yourself without corrupting my army? You claim to have been a cavalryman, but did you actually accomplish anything of note?

[lepremiercoquillard]

Sire, ABSOLUTELY NOT. We don't want him. Nope!

Sincerely on behalf of all the cavalry of His Majesty the Emperor of France

[le-petit-caporal]

Thank you, d'Hautpoul, for such a clear message, however that was already sufficiently obvious without anyone saying anything. I have enough of you causing me problems already.

[lepremiercoquillard]

Madame DuQuay-Kleber would like to know if you are, indeed, still a little horse... (Sire, I apologize... I do... but... but... when she... she looks at me that way... I am... I am... ) D'Espagne: Sire, General d'Hautpoul is no longer his own creature when Madame shows up, that is what he is trying to say. Nansouty: Not like his Majesty knows anything about commanding Cavalry anyway... Lepic: Really? You are going to trot out that old chestnut again? Demongin: What's that about Phillippe? Did he eat his Majesty's bicorne? Again?

[le-petit-caporal]

Unfortunately, I am indeed still cursed- WHY DOES THAT THING HAVE MY HAT? You'd think these horses are meant to be trained or something.

[marquis-de-sade-official]

@le-petit-caporal how do your efforts progress with these fortunate guerrillas in Spain? . . .How do the modernists say, “are you winning, son?”

[le-petit-caporal]

Fine, thank you very much. Why on earth would someone like you want to know? Besides, you could do this thing called reading a newspaper, although I appreciate you're likely too busy turning your attention to some filth or other to attend to anything useful.

[marquis-de-sade-official]

You surprise me with a letter! I excite myself.

Alas, the news these days is too often filled with bombastic remarks and speculative libel it is difficult to tell what is true despite its deliciousness. I am desirous the worst of it!

I was once a cavalryman.

Whilst I am in favor of our little revolution —and what you managed thereafter of course— such desires for anguish knows no limitations, and likewise this macabre curiosity sated by little other than satisfaction.

With your haughty prestige you might permit my release, I would be indebted and serviceable.

[le-petit-caporal]

Perhaps I misunderstand you, but are you seriously suggesting that I have you released, and then trust you to reenter the service and behave yourself without corrupting my army? You claim to have been a cavalryman, but did you actually accomplish anything of note?

[lepremiercoquillard]

Sire, ABSOLUTELY NOT. We don't want him. Nope!

Sincerely on behalf of all the cavalry of His Majesty the Emperor of France

[le-petit-caporal]

Thank you, d'Hautpoul, for such a clear message, however that was already sufficiently obvious without anyone saying anything. I have enough of you causing me problems already.

[marquis-de-sade-official]

@le-petit-caporal how do your efforts progress with these fortunate guerrillas in Spain? . . .How do the modernists say, “are you winning, son?”

[le-petit-caporal]

Fine, thank you very much. Why on earth would someone like you want to know? Besides, you could do this thing called reading a newspaper, although I appreciate you're likely too busy turning your attention to some filth or other to attend to anything useful.

[marquis-de-sade-official]

You surprise me with a letter! I excite myself.

Alas, the news these days is too often filled with bombastic remarks and speculative libel it is difficult to tell what is true despite its deliciousness. I am desirous the worst of it!

I was once a cavalryman.

Whilst I am in favor of our little revolution —and what you managed thereafter of course— such desires for anguish knows no limitations, and likewise this macabre curiosity sated by little other than satisfaction.

With your haughty prestige you might permit my release, I would be indebted and serviceable.

[le-petit-caporal]

Perhaps I misunderstand you, but are you seriously suggesting that I have you released, and then trust you to reenter the service and behave yourself without corrupting my army? You claim to have been a cavalryman, but did you actually accomplish anything of note?

[marquis-de-sade-official]

@le-petit-caporal how do your efforts progress with these fortunate guerrillas in Spain? . . .How do the modernists say, “are you winning, son?”

[le-petit-caporal]

Fine, thank you very much. Why on earth would someone like you want to know? Besides, you could do this thing called reading a newspaper, although I appreciate you're likely too busy turning your attention to some filth or other to attend to anything useful.

[le-petit-caporal]

I shall now teleport everyone who was turned into an animal to your location. Enjoy the weight of all of then combined on your back.

WHAT IS THIS?

[le-petit-caporal]

Oh hello, beautiful horse. Are you lost? I think you might belong to the Marshal. Let’s take you home before he notices.

-Col Pierre Agathe Heymés, ADC of @le-brave-des-braves

You're one of Ney's, aren't you? Which one? Heymés or something?

Ney is some sort of creature now, isn't he? Go and tell him to put me back into my own body at once!

[le-brave-des-braves]

A talking horse. Alright, that is new. His Excellency has weird possessions but he never had a talking horse.

Heymès:

Are you cursed or something? I might help you, but first: introduce yourself. Second: I would like to kindly ask you to refrain forem calling the marshal a creature.

[le-petit-caporal]

For God's sake, Heymès, don't you recognise the voice of your own Emperor? And just what would you prefer I call him instead? Last I heard he was more spirit than man. Someone tried to explain to me how that happened, but it seemed rather unbelievable.

[le-brave-des-braves]

Your majesty…? That is unexpected turn of events.

Crap. Ney certainly won’t be excited, as he knows that he loathed the emperor after all that happened. Also, Ney’s powers have very little limits and unfortunately, that also means he can’t limit them very well. Things still sometimes explode in his vicinity

I will inform the Marshal, and we will see what he can do.

[le-petit-caporal]

Oh, good, finally someone reasonable.

[le-brave-des-braves]

The ADC guided him to the strangest of realms, Ney’s evershifting fortress right at the edge of reality. The marshal’s powers have been fully deployed ever since Soult helped him to grasp his powers. Well. At least he managed to use them as a shield against the Void.

Are you serious?

Upon learning what happened, the marshal failed to keep his composure (and composition in fact as he lost his human form for a while and almost hit Heymès with a wing).

Am I supposed to just go and treat that delusional ungrateful piece of work? Why should I? This is my domain, the moment I help him, he would only claim for himself! And I beg you pardon - he would cardinally fuck up. He’s staying a horse. At least he would be useful for once.

Of course Napoleon’s horse ears could catch the conversation.

[le-petit-caporal]

I'll have you know, Ney, that horses have AN EXCELLENT SENSE OF HEARING!

And just what have I ever done to deserve such a scathing review? You were a hero at war, at Waterloo, a prince, and all manner of other things! All of which I gave you, by the way!

He continues to paw angrily at the ground with his newly acquired hooves, just waiting for an occasion to try kicking someone. Perhaps not Ney or Heymès, but someone.

[le-brave-des-braves]

Ney appeared. Like, literally appeared. He is not wearing his uniform, as the embroidered leaves appear different - each one comes from different plant. His eyes are golden. It is hard to recognise the Marshal beneath all of this. It must be disturbing to those who knew him as an ordinary man. Or maybe it is just an act to piss the emperor.

Ney himself isn’t so sure.

Are we talking about the same person, Sire? For I remember you standing there at the moment of the charge I ordered, doing nothing.

I joined you so I save my men from shooting at their fellow French.

I died for this. Appeared at this shitfest. And learned that YOU BLAMED ALL OF YOUR FAILURES AT ME?

The lights in the room flickered, but apparently, the swearing brought the humanity out of this ascended creature. He finally claimed his human form.

I might have been stupid but you can’t talk your way into my heart again. And although I like horses, this is a rather sore attempt. Get out.

[le-petit-caporal]

Of course, Ney does not know of this Napoleon's altered timeline and speaks of reality, so all of this simply appears to be the ranting of a madman to Napoleon.

Why so offended when we won, Ney? How was the ultimate victory not enough? The rise from the ashes that you were partly credited for!

I placed blame for failures appropriately, but either way what does it matter when all's well that ends well?

And you could at least explain...

He gestures vaguely at Ney's appearance.

This.

[le-petit-caporal]

Oh hello, beautiful horse. Are you lost? I think you might belong to the Marshal. Let’s take you home before he notices.

-Col Pierre Agathe Heymés, ADC of @le-brave-des-braves

You're one of Ney's, aren't you? Which one? Heymés or something?

Ney is some sort of creature now, isn't he? Go and tell him to put me back into my own body at once!

[le-brave-des-braves]

A talking horse. Alright, that is new. His Excellency has weird possessions but he never had a talking horse.

Heymès:

Are you cursed or something? I might help you, but first: introduce yourself. Second: I would like to kindly ask you to refrain forem calling the marshal a creature.

[le-petit-caporal]

For God's sake, Heymès, don't you recognise the voice of your own Emperor? And just what would you prefer I call him instead? Last I heard he was more spirit than man. Someone tried to explain to me how that happened, but it seemed rather unbelievable.

[le-brave-des-braves]

Your majesty…? That is unexpected turn of events.

Crap. Ney certainly won’t be excited, as he knows that he loathed the emperor after all that happened. Also, Ney’s powers have very little limits and unfortunately, that also means he can’t limit them very well. Things still sometimes explode in his vicinity

I will inform the Marshal, and we will see what he can do.

[le-petit-caporal]

Oh, good, finally someone reasonable.

[le-brave-des-braves]

The ADC guided him to the strangest of realms, Ney’s evershifting fortress right at the edge of reality. The marshal’s powers have been fully deployed ever since Soult helped him to grasp his powers. Well. At least he managed to use them as a shield against the Void.

Are you serious?

Upon learning what happened, the marshal failed to keep his composure (and composition in fact as he lost his human form for a while and almost hit Heymès with a wing).

Am I supposed to just go and treat that delusional ungrateful piece of work? Why should I? This is my domain, the moment I help him, he would only claim for himself! And I beg you pardon - he would cardinally fuck up. He’s staying a horse. At least he would be useful for once.

Of course Napoleon’s horse ears could catch the conversation.

[le-petit-caporal]

I'll have you know, Ney, that horses have AN EXCELLENT SENSE OF HEARING!

And just what have I ever done to deserve such a scathing review? You were a hero at war, at Waterloo, a prince, and all manner of other things! All of which I gave you, by the way!

He continues to paw angrily at the ground with his newly acquired hooves, just waiting for an occasion to try kicking someone. Perhaps not Ney or Heymès, but someone.

[le-petit-caporal]

Oh hello, beautiful horse. Are you lost? I think you might belong to the Marshal. Let’s take you home before he notices.

-Col Pierre Agathe Heymés, ADC of @le-brave-des-braves

You're one of Ney's, aren't you? Which one? Heymés or something?

Ney is some sort of creature now, isn't he? Go and tell him to put me back into my own body at once!

[le-brave-des-braves]

A talking horse. Alright, that is new. His Excellency has weird possessions but he never had a talking horse.

Heymès:

Are you cursed or something? I might help you, but first: introduce yourself. Second: I would like to kindly ask you to refrain forem calling the marshal a creature.

[le-petit-caporal]

For God's sake, Heymès, don't you recognise the voice of your own Emperor? And just what would you prefer I call him instead? Last I heard he was more spirit than man. Someone tried to explain to me how that happened, but it seemed rather unbelievable.

[le-brave-des-braves]

Your majesty…? That is unexpected turn of events.

Crap. Ney certainly won’t be excited, as he knows that he loathed the emperor after all that happened. Also, Ney’s powers have very little limits and unfortunately, that also means he can’t limit them very well. Things still sometimes explode in his vicinity

I will inform the Marshal, and we will see what he can do.

[le-petit-caporal]

Oh, good, finally someone reasonable.

[le-petit-caporal]

Magic anon: You're now cursed to be a talking horse until someone breaks the curse; it will break when you learn empathy for your fellow man.

What is this? Some sort of madman pretending to have powers?

What he does not realise immediately is that he is, in fact, now a grey Arabian horse.

WHAT THE HELL WHO DID THIS

[reine-desideria]

Unfortunately for the fallen Emperor, the first person to cross his path happened to be Désirée. It was hard not to notice this noisy, agitated animal, but what she noticed first was that it was a thoroughbred horse that looked very expensive. She approached it but didn't try to touch it. It looked wild. Or at least, not very well trained.

“Well, hello. Aww poor thing, your owner left you here alone? Don't be scared. How beautiful you are!”

She walked around it cautiously. This strange horse looked kind of upset, and she didn't want to get hit by its hoof.

“Eh, you're not very tall but it will do. My husband would be very happy to have you as a mount.”

[le-petit-caporal]

Désirée!

He paws at the ground angrily, pacing in between.

DÉSIRÉE! I AM NOT A REAL HORSE!

It's me, Napoleon!

GET ME OUT OF THIS BODY! SAY I'M SYMPATHETIC OR SOMETHING!

[reine-desideria]

Suddenly, as if in a nightmare, the horse began to speak, and it had the voice of the Devil. Or Napoléon, depending on your point of view. In fact, it wasn't speaking, it was screaming. Désirée recoiled in fright. When she recovered, she was more curious than anything else. If she'd had a phone, she probably would have filmed the scene.

“Which of the many people you've angered has cast this strange curse on you?”

She blinked at his request, almost outraged.

“Sympathetic? But you're anything but sympathetic, you're despicable. Why don't you start by calming down and stop shouting in my face?”

[le-petit-caporal]

I don't know, it was some... Grey sphere with sunglasses!

And tell me, would you be calm in these circumstances, if a RANDOM GREY SPHERE TURNED YOU INTO A HORSE?

[le-petit-caporal]

Oh hello, beautiful horse. Are you lost? I think you might belong to the Marshal. Let’s take you home before he notices.

-Col Pierre Agathe Heymés, ADC of @le-brave-des-braves

You're one of Ney's, aren't you? Which one? Heymés or something?

Ney is some sort of creature now, isn't he? Go and tell him to put me back into my own body at once!

[le-brave-des-braves]

A talking horse. Alright, that is new. His Excellency has weird possessions but he never had a talking horse.

Heymès:

Are you cursed or something? I might help you, but first: introduce yourself. Second: I would like to kindly ask you to refrain forem calling the marshal a creature.

[le-petit-caporal]

For God's sake, Heymès, don't you recognise the voice of your own Emperor? And just what would you prefer I call him instead? Last I heard he was more spirit than man. Someone tried to explain to me how that happened, but it seemed rather unbelievable.

[le-petit-caporal]

Oh hello, beautiful horse. Are you lost? I think you might belong to the Marshal. Let’s take you home before he notices.

-Col Pierre Agathe Heymés, ADC of @le-brave-des-braves

You're one of Ney's, aren't you? Which one? Heymés or something?

Ney is some sort of creature now, isn't he? Go and tell him to put me back into my own body at once!

[le-petit-caporal]

Magic anon: You're now cursed to be a talking horse until someone breaks the curse; it will break when you learn empathy for your fellow man.

What is this? Some sort of madman pretending to have powers?

What he does not realise immediately is that he is, in fact, now a grey Arabian horse.

WHAT THE HELL WHO DID THIS

[reine-desideria]

Unfortunately for the fallen Emperor, the first person to cross his path happened to be Désirée. It was hard not to notice this noisy, agitated animal, but what she noticed first was that it was a thoroughbred horse that looked very expensive. She approached it but didn't try to touch it. It looked wild. Or at least, not very well trained.

“Well, hello. Aww poor thing, your owner left you here alone? Don't be scared. How beautiful you are!”

She walked around it cautiously. This strange horse looked kind of upset, and she didn't want to get hit by its hoof.

“Eh, you're not very tall but it will do. My husband would be very happy to have you as a mount.”

[le-petit-caporal]

Désirée!

He paws at the ground angrily, pacing in between.

DÉSIRÉE! I AM NOT A REAL HORSE!

It's me, Napoleon!

GET ME OUT OF THIS BODY! SAY I'M SYMPATHETIC OR SOMETHING!

[le-petit-caporal]

Magic anon: You're now cursed to be a talking horse until someone breaks the curse; it will break when you learn empathy for your fellow man.

What is this? Some sort of madman pretending to have powers?

What he does not realise immediately is that he is, in fact, now a grey Arabian horse.

WHAT THE HELL WHO DID THIS

[le-petit-caporal]

So ummm Sire it seems that the Prince of Benevento and the Duke of Otranto have gotten together. In every sense of the word. It's a little alarming ngl.

@monsieurdetalleyrand @serpentofotranto

Come to Paris immediately and explain the meaning of this!

[monsieurdetalleyrand]

Napoleon was definitely far gone in his delirium of disillusionment and megalomania to think that he could still allow himself to summon his former ministers like grounded children. Talleyrand was very tempted by the appealing idea of ignoring the fallen emperor's order and instead devoting his day to more interesting matters, but that could do him a great disservice in the future. He had to remain in the good graces of this wack job, at least for a little while longer. As long as he still had nuclear weapons and control over it, at least. That remained the least risky solution for the prince of Benevent if he didn't want this eternal afterlife to become a lot more difficult to live with.

Surprisingly, he arrived first at Napoleon's house. He was calm and collected, and even allowed himself to appear slightly irritated at having been disturbed in his peace beyond the grave, as if he had done nothing wrong.

“You have heard those awful rumors about the Duke of Otranto and myself, Sire. So shocking... that I wouldn't dare to repeat them.”

He shook his head, looking theatrically outraged.

“It seems that even death is not enough to protect honest men from slander.”

[serpentofotranto]

Fouché slips into the room midway through Talleyrand's rant. He's annoyed that someone has ratted them out, and annoyed at having to interact with the Emperor.

"Truly disgraceful. Your Majesty's spy network has fallen to the wayside, if this is what they are presenting you with. Is it still under the management of Savary? Totally useless man."

He picks up on what his lover is aiming for : bullshit and lies all the way.

He slides up to stand next to Talleyrand, like they used to when Napoléon felt like yelling at them for a while. It is vital that their eyes don't meet, because the situation is too absurd.

"Frankly, Sire, would you ever believe such a thing?"

[le-petit-caporal]

Napoleon contemplates their arguments nonchalantly before deciding that he doesn't believe them.

I would believe such a thing because I've seen you, the way you tolerate each other now... It would not be possible otherwise, so I am suspicious.

What if Savary is not wrong, and this is hardly slander, hm?

[le-petit-caporal]

So ummm Sire it seems that the Prince of Benevento and the Duke of Otranto have gotten together. In every sense of the word. It's a little alarming ngl.

@monsieurdetalleyrand @serpentofotranto

Come to Paris immediately and explain the meaning of this!

[sigismund-schlomo-freud]

@marquis-de-sade-official and @le-petit-caporal had a mutual parasocial relationship: those formed uniquely from animosity and hatred. Whilst the former was a delinquent philosopher and depraved pornographer, the latter was a meticulous dictator: these equally vile mentalities cannot coexist.

However, it has since become evident the dictator always oppresses the other, as a philosophy of sexual freedom does not lend itself to the vexations of political prestige.

[le-petit-caporal]

And who in God's name are you, sir, to make such grand claims of our natures?