3 am notes app rambles

she/her, '00, a desi 🇧🇩 tiny little wanderer :)

[leaked-notes]

back in 2020, sometimes i felt like a lump of meat laying down on my bed. why did i feel like one? i don't really know. the feeling was so intense that it gave me ick.

discussing about kafka's metamorphosis made me recall that feeling. weird brain.

[amietita]

my mom requested a dancer in a vestido folklorico with a sword lol 🦜

[titsay]

[chloelum]

Cheering you on every step of the way! 💫

[motsofatournesol]

“Sitaron ko aankhon me mehfooz rakhna, badi der tak raat hi raat hogi. Musafir hai hum bhi, musafir ho tum bhi, kisi mod par phir mulaqat hogi.“ “Keep me safe in the eyes of the stars, as it is going to be a very long night, I am a traveler, and you too are a traveler, we will meet again at some corner.”

— Lines from Bashir-Badr urdu poem, used in one of my favorite Bollywood movie Masan, with a rough English translation by me.

[leaked-notes]

dekho na yeh kamaal hua hai / aisa dil ka haal hua hai / dil mera tere itar me dooba / jaise koi roomal hua hai

[leaked-notes]

kitabein dekhi saari / mili na koi shayari / tareefein karoon kaise / yehi hai mushkil meri // na jane kyun ae humnasheen / hai mere dil ko ye yaqeen / ke tum sang ho to / bigdi baatein saari ban jayengi

[leaked-notes]

the world needs to be quieter for me to sustain

[leaked-notes]

"kaise chhupaye ishq, ab kya chhupana // ata hai, heerе, tujhe apna banana // odh ke dhani chadar, aya shehеr mein ranjha // rang gaya ve tere rang mein dewana"

[leaked-notes]

"the things i do for love..."

—courage the cowardly dog

[lilaccatholic]

Oh to be eleven years old and finding a life-changing obscure paperback in the library

[leaked-notes]

the books i read in my adulthood aren't as fascinating as the books were in my teens. maybe i got my fair share of life-changing books at such an early age that anything i read seems too mediocre to continue them. (excuses a retired-bookworm gives to herself for not reading anymore)

[leaked-notes]

Some days, i just wanna kms. Some days, idc anything anymore. And sometimes i disassociate from this world.

[leaked-notes]

“you know, there’s something wrong with this place…”

—courage the cowardly dog

[munzs-stuff]

Dear Dhaka; Vol. 2

Dear Dhaka, 

You were my first love and my biggest loss. I have a bad habit of only writing to you when I feel the grief. It hasn’t been as sharp recently. The knife that pierced my lungs and sat at the bottom of my ribs has become dull. Its blade has been corroded by the acid of the comfort I took in the change. 

They say grief doesn’t grow smaller. That it is you who grows larger around it. 

I think aloud and wonder if I, too, have grown. Unspoken remains in my heart the worst of my fears. Have I grown out of you? It cannot be, can it? 

The carbon monoxide that spews in big, black fumes out of the trucks on your roads has settled into my bronchi in a permanent layer of grime. I cough up the acerbic taste of love and it’s acid on my tongue. 

I dye my hair purple and then green to feel something because the only thing I feel is not enough. I miss you and I don’t. I anticipate the grief of losing you miles away from the boarding time. The sleep I lose comes back in the irregularity of my heartbeat as it sputters out your city line. 

My tongue lolls and my drool spills onto my pillow and in the feverish haze of half-sleep it looks like the Padma. My nose burns because the air is too clean and too pure. I get a whiff of cow dung when I walk past the run-down house out in the back of the city and my lungs sink into my chest. It’s familiar and beautiful and putrid and acrid and I can’t imagine anything better. 

I decide that it smells too little like piss and bird shit in this town. That it smells too much like mountains and emptiness. It’s artificial, everything here. The food feels like floral foam in my mouth and doesn’t smell much better. And when I go to sleep I sink and sink into the mattress until I reach the core of the earth. I thought it would burn more. 

If I tunnel straight through the dusty carpet to the other end of the world, will I reach you? Will you recognise me with my skin melted into my bones? I would recognise you. 

Love, grief, everything in between and beyond, 

M

[leaked-notes]

আসেন কথা বলি, একসাথে আড্ডা দেই....?

hey hiii....

sorry for the late reply. i don't actually use tumblr that much. i only come here when the world starts to feel overwhelmed, and i need to vent somewhere without being judged. kinda like a personal diary, but virtual :))

and of course, what are you interested in talking about? not sure after how many days i would respond to that text. but hey, people used to wait for days to receive a letter. consider it that way ig :P

[leaked-notes]

কারোর সাথে কথা বলতে খুব ইচ্ছা করছে।

[leaked-notes]