leakednotesapp

domain of shitty writing

[leakednotesapp]

I post shitty writing from my notes app, I don't know why, maybe for myself, maybe someone will enjoy it. let me know if you do?

[leakednotesapp]

You tried so hard to teach me love, to drill it into me.

“You should do this and you shouldn't do that.”

Walking on glass for hard earned contentment and easily earned dissatisfaction.

And after every lesson my feet stumbled to her door. And she cared for me and brought me flowers and wiped the tears off my face and never put any on it.

You tried so hard to teach me love and yet, nothing I've learned about loving someone came from you.

[leakednotesapp]

I hope I am the salt in your wounds, the shirt you forget when you travel, the stiff muscle in your back when you wake up, the papers you burn when you graduate. Irrelevant enough to sneer at when I pass by.

I hope I see you recoil from my glance, hear your voice's emphasized indifference when you say my name, feel your disregard for my presence.

I hope my pride doesn't fail me this time.

I hope I can never love you again.

[leakednotesapp]

If you come back, one day, to where our paths once parted, you'll see an old cabin, covered with moss and damp from the melting snow. It'll smell of warm bread and pine trees. Inside, you'll find me sitting, with my head on my hands, at a table for two.

- AM

[leakednotesapp]

"Life is like a river", but mine is just a tributary joining yours.

"A river never passes the same place twice", but what if I swim against the current.

[leakednotesapp]

I want to tell you I love you, but I can’t speak. Something burrowed deep inside me seals my lips together and makes my heart hiccup. I was never one to believe in god, what have I to confess?

I want to tell you I love you, but what if my heart doesn’t know how to move on its own and what if the seal on my lips makes me a better person. I’d pray for my mouth to open, but my knees in the dirt no longer have any effect.

I want to tell you I love you, but you deserve your peace and maybe I deserve my suffering. It feels religious with my face tilted up to you anyway. I was never one to believe it god, but to be damned by you is not entirely different.

I want to tell you I love you. I’m mortal. Can you blame me?

[leakednotesapp]

I think your heartstrings will still welcome my fingers. Such an intricate instrument, your chest. It is calling for my hands and I sink them into your skin.

Did your ribcage get stronger? Or can I still weave through it, melting it with my touch? I promise to treat it gently. I’ll reach further, play a sweet, sad tune. I will not pull hard again, I will not rip them out of your body tangled and knotted. I will not do what you did.

It wasn’t your fault, I do not blame you. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone and I know you wouldn’t have wished it on me. I know it’s hard to play when the strings are missing or untuned. I know you couldn’t be careful with your inexperienced hands. I think your heartstrings will still welcome my fingers. Mine have, too, been awfully quiet ever since I left.

[leakednotesapp]

I want to say I will love you forever. And in a way that’s true. I will forever keep your letters, I will forever listen to your music, I will forever think its April and its not yet too late. A home, a splinter in my ring finger. A photograph on my wall, a song on my record.

And I’m too young to think of ghosts of the past, but he does not haunt me, I welcome him with open arms. I let him ruffle the letters on my cabinet and spin the player backwards.

Yes, I will forever love that boy. The boy that never broke my heart, the boy that washed away with September rain.

I will love you forever, but this isn’t addressed to you anymore.

[leakednotesapp]

Tap, tap, tap, I told you I loved you

Do you still know what that means?

Did you teach it to somebody new

Or smash the memory to smithereens?

I could have given you so much more,

But you're in my heart like a boulder.

And I can't trust you anymore.

And someone else is tapping your shoulder.

"How much different could it be?"

I wonder, but its almost December.

I wonder, also, how did we

end up like this, but I cannot remember.

You are a disease in my mind,

I need to wrench out this infection.

But, to me, you are so far from kind.

And that holds more than your lying affection.

I know this because I always want you

When my fever's of a higher degree.

And although you're a stranger anew,

My heart still beats in counts of three.

[leakednotesapp]

I walk you to the door and then a little further, my bare feet soundless on the cold tile.

With side glances, I relearn the lines of your side profile.

I hold you hand too long, look too far into your eyes.

I let you ride me home on your bike a little too many times.

I whisper things too genuine and your smile doesn't reach your eyes when you tease me about them.

On a warm summer night, we walk along the tram rails.

The ground is still warm and we talk quietly, as if to not wake up the city.

I tug you a little too close, wishing our paths weren't so parallel.

[leakednotesapp]

In this past, I am still home. I climb into your bed on a Saturday for the 9 am show, you tuck my ice cold feet between yours. Later, when we play in the garden, I'm suddenly aware of how fragile you might be.

In another universe, we are arguing over the phone. You're complaining that I only call once a week, I'm telling you to visit more often. When I'm home you cook my favorite meal and sit across me, staring, while I eat.

In another future, I'm back home. Age is seeping into your skin and movements, I'm a little taller now, but you still dye your hair. I have so much to tell you. I missed you, I love you. I'm scared of the future, but you'll be in it so it'll be okay.

In this universe, I visit my hometown. I pick up some flowers for you. You silently look back at me from every photo album and I get a tattoo of the words you signed of with on an old birthday card. I should've called.

In this universe, you only exist in the past.

[leakednotesapp]

"Can we talk?", you say

We've had all these conversations before

Did you ever listen to me?

Doing this with you felt less like a relief and more like a relapse

[leakednotesapp]

Your kisses trickle like sweat down my neck;

So bitter and so blue

You really make me feel like a wreck

For being in love with you

[leakednotesapp]

I don't know what she would say about my hair and lip piercing

I don't know what she would say about the way I dress

She would have told me off for the way I speak and the way I am forgetting her language

Sometimes I'm glad she isn't here to do that.

Sometimes I wish she was here to tell me how much I've grown.

[leakednotesapp]

Our song is still on the playlist I listen to when I cry

I skip it every time

I think often that punching you in your perfect jaw will make me feel better

I resist the urge to hold you in my arms

[leakednotesapp]

Where are you now?

Back, when everything was so clear

When the wooden decks of my childhood home would creak under my tiny feet.

You sit me on your lap, while I'm wailing and screaming

You pick the splinters out of my soles

Where are you now?

Now, that I am grown up and tired

Dry my tears, comb my hair, wrap me in your favorite scarf

Where are you now?

Your warm embrace still would melt away all my pain

[leakednotesapp]

I am homesick for I something I can't go back to

A house that fell apart, a city that burned

I wander among the rusty rubble, picking at scraps

I could have built you mansions

If you just kept their keys

Our land was built on unstable ground