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Tuesday 22 August 2023

My baby is 3yrs 8mths old! Time flies :( she's going to school next Monday and will be in 2nd maternelle snif! Vacations were short but it was really nice, my fav since her birth :) doing a family trip at the seaside, then dusseldorf, Duisburg and Holland with EmiXiEthan :) so many core memories and I had the feeling that John really enjoyed it as well. Today I gave my blood for the first time! So so happy and proud :)

24/06/2023

J'ADORE MES ONGLES OMGGG

2e dîner d'anniversaire de John 🥳

Thursday November 3rd 2022

It was my 32th birthday! Omg lol time flies really...

For the first time I didn't have a big gift in mind... Like no new phone or whatever because I got it all from my previous bday? My one plus is still ok, I have a camera for taking nicer pics, I have an instax for real pics, an iPad that I have barely touched, and so much stuff !!!

Today was quite calm, spending the day with my family and Caitlyn, taking the subway with her, making a pizza with my mom then go to the restaurant, carrying baby Linah, convincing my brother to go to check at the hospital, working a bit by cleaning up and set up the tables because everyone had a doctor appointment lol mom was doing the dishes and I was looking after linah and Caitlyn (thanks TV!) Then John went to pick my brother, drove back my mom then groceries and a comfort dinner that I wanted last minute to "celebrate" : américain frites from the Greek fritkot lol pickles, fancy non alcoholic drinks and a very good passion fruit cake, with Caitlyn already sleeping because she skipped her nap today so it was a rather relaxing dinner? John found his headphones yay so mood went up, dad offered me the thing to unclock ? The sink beczude it was stuck since yesterday lol best birthday gift ever loool but super useful! And now just enjoying the evening, saying thank you to ppl wishing me happy birthday, breathing a bit having my me time because I still have 3 intense days ahead. And maybe Caitlyn will wake up again, and if she does I may just sleep in her bed because I have no more energy to wake up every hours lol

Anyway happy bday to me!!!

And thanks my man for that hilarious story behind my c&a jeans (he tried it for me in the women aisles and asked what was the difference between a skinny and a slim lol) and expensive marcolini chocolate miam miam

Monday August 29 2022

Your first day at school omg!!!

My baby isn't a baby anymore :(

You were so excited to go, while all the others kids were crying you went straight into your classroom lol I am so so proud of you ♥️♥️♥️

I hope school will brings you lots of joy and happy memories ♥️♥️♥️

Friday august 26 2022

Tu as fini la crèche 😭😭 I swear I didn't want to cry but seeing you not wanting to leave the place immediately and the emotion in your nurse's voice just made me cry lol I think it was one of my longest goodbye really. But I am so happy they took care of you like that. You deserved it, all the love, all the games, all the discoveries you made there! Let's enjoy this weekend and then you are off for your first day at preschool!!!!!

August 8th 2022

12 years but first time I did not prepare a gift or something, maybe because we had a fight earlier that I still haven't digest yet. I still prepared his breakfast tho.

Hope it's just this year.

He posted 2 IG stories.

Monday August 8

Ma Linah ♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️ you arrived on August 5, 3.6kg 49cm, I am sooooo excited to meet you!!!!!!

Love you so much already

Your auntie ♥️

Monday 25 July 2022

We are COVID free! My family as well! Thank you for answering my prayers...!!!!!

Also got my very first tattoo today ♥️ thank you Haeny!

Monday 25 July 2022

We are COVID free! My family as well! Thank you for answering my prayers...!!!!!

Also got my very first tattoo today ♥️ thank you Haeny!

Wednesday July 20 2020

COVID caught us after 2 years and a half! Not lying I am completely exhausted and hot, as we are experiencing the hottest day ever (38 degrees yep).

I feel the need to write as my my thoughts couldn't stop going darker and darker, thinking about the worse as my mom still cant get out of the serious COVID symptoms and got even a scare today... Please please please make it go as if is just a flu, it is basically a flu??? And let her gain her energy back. Let her sleep, stop playing with her fever and blood pressure. Please please please.

I will stop my mind going further with those intrusive thoughts and will try to sleep a bit.

Make those coming days, weeks, months brighter and lighter as well. Let's all welcome my niece in a nice, peaceful and happy environment.

Love.

27 Mai 2022

Chère Grand-mère,

Tu nous as quitté si tôt, laissant derrière toi tes 5 enfants, ton beau fils, et tes 7 petits enfants.

Je n'ai pas eu l'occasion de rester longtemps avec toi, mais tu m'as toujours prise dans tes bras de manière si chaleureuse comme si j'etais ta petite fille. Ta cuisine restera également un de mes meilleurs souvenirs, grâce à toi mon enfance a été nourrie par des saveurs vietnamiennes inégalées. Merci d'avoir partagé un peu de temps avec nous.

Repose en paix, rejoins Grand Père et remets lui notre bonjour.

Tes bises me manqueront beaucoup.

Friday April 8th

Cait is asleep next to me, we are in France for the weekend to see fishes and the sea. She had a hard time falling asleep tho but everything is ok now and I just took my pill to sleep and stay in a good mood.

Yesterday night was a brutal night for me. It was the first time that I was pushed away just because he couldn't get what he wanted. With a loud sigh, then a push, then nothing and I fell asleep, too astonished to process what just happened. It was pure violence and it is hard to get that out of my mind. Thanks to my med I think I took it quite lightly? If not I think I would be truly traumatized by it. I am glad I took my med, it became a faint memory almost right away. I am also glad I told him. Being frustrated or not feeling wanted doesn't excuse this kind of behaviour. Told him it was really violent and traumatizing and it turned me off more than ever. Because what, a month is too much? I am not close enough to him? I am not sucking him off every week so it's unbearable???

I don't know.... I felt like it was my fault, not showing him enough that I want him. But then when you think about it it's just irrational, purely physical, and not even prepping me beforehand does mean a lot. He just wanted to get his dick wet that's it. Who cares about me. Frustration just got him there and it's scary.

I felt used and I hope I will never forget this feeling. Because I didn't show any sexual interest for a month, this is what I got.

Being sick it's just an excuse. Being in burnout as well. Being mentally ill is bullshit. Excuses.

Feeling small, betrayed, violated,... It doesn't feel good at all.

I hope I won't forget, but I also hope I can move forward.

TU AS 2 ANS!!!

It's more like a birthday week tho hahaha we are celebrating non stop since Sunday 19, a very unexpected brunch prepared by your dad, a nice celebration with your friends at the creche and lots of hugs! And tonight with your gege Aurélien, sleeping at 11pm! And it's not over yet 😆 you've learned so far how to:

- walk

- run

- thumbs up "nice"

- cheers

- say "cheese" for a pic

- switch on the tv

- understand and react to what we are saying

- make small sentences "Volcan tiste", "Mulan tiste", "pat patouille" "maman tousse" "pipi NON caca OUiiii" "ah bah oui" "oh non" "mais qu'est ce que c'est!??" "Ça c'est..." "Fais dodo" "maely pousse"

- fake cry

- climb the stairs

- peeing in the potty (sometimes)

- remove your pants, panty and diapers

- eat alone

- draw

- count from 1 to 10 in 4 languages, or even 5 because you can repeat (FR, hainanese, shanghainese, EN, CH)

- say ABC

- reading/flipping book

- understand emotions like sad or kind, mean "caitlyn elle est gentille" "c'est le méchant dans l'histoire"

And many many many more! You are impressing me day by day and I am so proud of you??? You are an amazing human and I am proud you are my sweet baby girl, love you so much!!!

Sat 11 Dec 2021

I should post pictures!!! 2021 random ones let's pick 10 go

Sat 11 December 2021

I was scrolling down to my very first post and my journal entries used to be so sweet and positive?? Hahahaha where did that Fan go seriously. I just realized that I got my license 5years ago... 5 years that my driving fear has almost turned into a phobia oh well. Today I am a 31yo mom of a beautiful (almost) 2yo babygirl, currently on sick leave because of burnout and trying to find a way to gain energy and find new habits to improve my mental state. But because life isn't easy I get sick every other week lol and I don't feel like my therapist is helping me. I am an ARMY, an ahgase too even though they aren't together at the moment, trying to go through my relationship - parenthood is making everything tougher but we will be ok.

I think I've become cynical?

Ok next entry will be better!

3 November 2021

I haven't written here for a while! I am turning 31 today and it's quite unbelievable?? So much happened since then, and I never thought I would end up here now in this loop of emotions and confusion. But first let's talk about today! It was a lovely day all organized by John, starting with ginkgo cakes, then a lunch at a restaurant called appleboom with big pasta plates (my first pasta cooked in a whole cheese thing????) And received my very first iPad pro 2021 with the apple pencil which cost a fortune... I will use it well!!!! Then a quick break at home before picking Caitlyn up at the creche and go directly to see my family, then back home, put Caitlyn to bed and now here I am at almost 11pm writing on my phone. My parents moved in September to the "new" appartement, finally! My brother and sister in law are trying an IVF and she just got a surgery for her bottom part. I really hope they get pregnant on the first try, it is so painful and long... Touching wood! Then my other brother will move back on the 2nd floor lol. I did a burnout (kinda) mid September and I am still on sick leave... So yeah not really livng the best time of my life but I hope I'll get through this. I was also sick for 6weeks it was amazing lol my body is socweak I really need to exercise again. Also Caitlyn is growing so fast like... Omg??' she understand a lot and start speaking with a few words, it's way too cute! And sleeping full night's lately we hope it will continue. I am getting tired I should continue next time. See u

Saturday May 2 2020

So much things are happening right now

We are towards the end of the lockdown, covid19 hit us but we are staying strong and at home with you, watching you grow and mastering new skills. I think as I can interact more with you I have less desire to write here lol i just read all over again the notes i left you during my pregnancy and you were so foreign at that time? I mean i was so oblivious and didnt know how to picture you. Now that you are here sometimes I am still the old 28-29yo Fan and still dont realize you are here. You are so precious my lovely baby girl and I love you so much. I wish I could be more present you know, really enjoying every minute with you instead of fighting the tiredness with my phone. I want to see and memorize each single one of your smiles towards me. You are my happy sunshine i love you so much Caitlyn. Mommy wants to be strong for you and conquer her fears. I want to drive you to where you wanna go. I really really want to be your rock and give you the strength to do whatever you want. I love you so so so so much you have to idea. Thank you for growing so well and for being so good to your parents. Love you!!!!

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