Thoughts on My Vulnerability and Fragility
Intro: Into My Story
“But, I let the words come together
Then, maybe I’ll feel better”
-Khalid, Another Sad Love Song
This is a collection of the emotions of a young, lovestruck boy without the ability to properly cope (that’s me).
These feelings are something that I have struggled for over two years. This has been a draft for the last 8 months but I’m not a writer so chill on my slow shitty writing bruh. I thought this would be the best way to express these emotions as I honestly don’t know anyone on here IRL. This isn’t meant to shame anyone, to heal the hurt I’ve caused or the hurt I feel. I just think that maybe I’ll be able to sleep.
The first quote is from a song. The song is of little importance, but listening to those words inspired me to write my feelings down.
Heading ever section from here on will be words I have heard from others dealing with their grief. In honour of those that will never read this, I will be marking those quotes from the deceased accordingly with a dagger.
Sadness: Into Depression
“It’s so much colder after someone warms you, then leaves you in the wind.”
-Shaunessey E.
Compared to other handguns, there is a lot of slack on a Glock trigger. About 5mm of space where you can safely pull the trigger before you hit a “wall”. Any squeezing past this point will set the gun off. When you get to that point where a bit of finger squeezing can end your life, it forces you to reassess your circumstances.
And that’s the story about how I have a 9x19mm sized hole in my wall.
Alone: Into Loss
“I wish I had never left… the womb,
Just never born”
-Alex Z. †
Being alone is so different from being lonely.
I had always been alone.
Tethered to someone, thousands of miles away, was a unique experience.
Alone but together.
Intimate but distant.
These were moments that I cherished, but have now come to scorn.
I had all my emotional eggs into one basket, that to have someone walk off with my basket has left me lost. It hurt to be on call and to hear that I was replaced. To hear of all the people she slept with. To be told that there had been secrets while we were together. I think the worst was to be told she hoped we could talk again. I just couldn’t.
I tried to see a councilor but that didn’t bring me any help.
15 visits.
Not a thing.
Every visit was like grinding teeth. “How’s work?”
No salvation to be found
Coping: Into Not Being Good @ Coping
“Goodbye. I don’t want to see you again”
-Haley S.
If my life was a beach, Haley would be a grain of sand. An insignificant blip in my life. As terrible as that sounds, that’s exactly how terrible I treated her. I don’t know why I did it. It didn’t even give me a sense of happiness. I just hurt her.
I’ve been struggling with addiction. Not with what most people would assume. It was gambling. Surprise! I’ve had my hands on the wheel for some time now, but it will always be something I will need to contend with.
I started drinking as well. Something that I’ve never done before. Oh, how I’ve let myself butcher my morals over someone who doesn’t even care about me.
I wish I was stronger.
I wish I knew how to help myself.
I hurt myself and others to… I don’t know.
I knew better than to gamble.
I knew better than to drink.
I shouldn’t have hurt Haley.
After all of this, I had to close myself off.
Unfortunately, I met someone.
I met a lovely Californian who was willing to deal with the mess I was.
I was happy.
She was distant and guarded but I didn’t care.
It was odd to be told later that I was just a friend.
It was so cold and clinical.
Like it could be said and I should just accept it.
I didn’t know what to do. When I said I was leaving, she sent a sad face.
Why?
I don’t feel sad about that breakup. Just confused.
Closure: Into Ends
“Don’t take it personally. You have to move on”
Oliver S. †
These are my emotions laid bare.
Thank you for reading.
I hope for the strength to love myself, as I am told I am lovable.
If I am not, I hope for the strength to give up.
With no more to say, I must bow and exit stage.
(This post is a mess, I know.)
