We'll Get There

Hello, everyone! This is my multiplicity blog. Includes stuff about fictives, soul bonds, and tulpas. This is also a internal-mind diary with lots of personal posts that may disinterest you. Jake's birthday: July 17, 2014 Prajit's birthday: July 21,...

[toxzen]

self-care reminders 

[panteha]

How I feel about dating: I don’t want to ruin someone’s life by being in it

[judithwilde]

“You can’t use fictional characters as a coping mechanism. “

[sappy-little-trees]

When you reach That Point after hours of socializing

[left-to-learn-blog]

"Life's not a spectator sport."

Nah man I would love if it could be though. Watching other people emotionally grow and learn to surpass the obstacles in their lives and seeing how they bond with others is great.

I hate that I mess it up by being here, and the world being an interactive place by existing, whether I want to take part or not.

I just want to enjoy watching others enjoy their lives without feeling guilt or causing disappointment or upset in others by my passiveness and inabilities.

My favorite concept for an afterlife is becoming a ghost so I can just watch the world like a tv show without worrying that someone's gonna break the fourth wall and expect something of me that I can’t accomplish.

[st-pam]

[cinnamonwitch-deactivated201606]

Systems that

are told they are faking and keep strutting their stuff despite the gross hate. - Systems that have to hide in their rooms when they let their alters / headmates front because they aren’t out as a system to anyone around them. - Systems that tell their partner about being a system and continue to have a healthy relationship with said partner. - Systems that come out to their partner and their partner does not respect them. Don’t worry, they didn’t deserve you anyway. - Systems that are made of mostly or all fictives. - Systems that have little or no fictives. - Systems that have an illness or disability that every headmate has to struggle with. - Systems that have two or more headmates that act similar and are invalidated for it. - Systems that have more than one headmate with the same illness or disorder and therefore are able to help each other cope. - Systems with fictives from alternate canons that don’t act exactly like themselves from their original canon. - Systems that help each other out with stress and divide chores amongst each other. - Systems that act as a support group for each other. - Systems that protect and stick up for other systems if they are being bullied or harassed.

You all are so important and I love you all so very much. Keep being wonderful plurals.

[median-net]

- Systems that don’t have DID or OSDD-1 are valid too!!

[left-to-learn-blog]

I haven’t really been that active on this blog lately so here’s a brief update:

I’ve been working at the Fareway Grocery Store in town for a little over a year now, making and saving up the $$$$$$, finally feeling mostly confident/flexible with the job stuff, more happy choppin fruit in the back and gritting my teeth through the once-a-week-on-saturdays checking up front stuff. not my ideal job but it’ll do til I can hopefully work in a library, which a lady in town who knows my family and works at one says there may be an opening for a part-time Page job soon and she’ll call me first to give me a headsup if there is woo! and it’d be perfect cuz it’s right in town and wouldn’t be a ton of hours but I could work it around my Fareway schedule and get a little extra cash, and more importantly, a foot in the door and experience and trying out the job and networking and all that

i’m getting financial shit set up to start paying back loans and honestly dropping out of school was the best thing for me

i’m getting better at figuring out how to comfortably encourage/allow myself to do productive stuff on my own time with my own allotted (and carefully allocated) spoons. sewing, mostly

i’m working at getting closer to my home friends, and had told the two main ones about being multiple and agender and stuff because these are way too big of parts of my identities to not tell people about and expect to somehow get close to them. i actually invite people to my house to hang out now which i haven’t done in years

i work and then DO STUFF AFTER WORK (unless it’s an all-day shift) like i used to work and go home and do nothing cuz ahhhhh but now i’m able to come home and be like “aight ima at least sew or read or something” which doesn’t sound like much but is a lot to me. even just making a proper meal or something

i’ve gone from therapy twice a week, to once a week, to every two weeks, and now i think i’m about ready to be done

i wear my binder to work (hardly noticeable there anyway under the uniform) and with friends and therapy and around the house in front of my parents

i told my parents about being agender but as usual it sort of was left in the twilight zone for now, but still. em snuck in “shay” when the family sang happy bday to me this year ;v;

my friends also know and i’m wearing a tux to Meg’s wedding. haven’t started using the new name or pronouns yet but i’m thinking of starting after the wedding’s past

i really need to clean/organize my room(s) and figure out clothes stuff like go through my “wardrobe” and donate old things and then buy new stuff cuz jfc for the first time in my life i know what i actually WANT to wear vs what I felt I was expected to wear

i’m getting way better at sewing and actually COMPLETING things holy shit. i started making personalized hairy clippy things that i honestly could maybe start an etsy with because i can make them quick and cheaply enough

i’ve been in the borderlands fictupy universe a lot throughout the past year or so rather than spending time with my headmates, but it hasn’t been too bad. it was mostly school and job stress and is still like a coping mechanism like “haha instead of building anxiety on the way to work let’s ramble about this for the 10000000th time” I still see Jit a fair bit and check in with him, but yeah. i’m sure i’ll be seeing way more of them when I eventually move into my own place or whatever

I’ve started regularly exercising on Tuesdays and Fridays with Ash but if she can’t go, I still do anyway. Also gradually trying to eat a little healthier so I’ve been trying yogurts lately (which Jit also likes) and I’m planning to work with Jit to make a healthyish stir-fry thing sometime soon. Goals are to generally get healthier/in-shape for survival/practicality reasons. Mostly wanna get stronger so I can lift shit at work. And groceries when I live alone. Losing weight wouldn’t hurt because I’m chubby but I’ve been chubby all my life and tbh if I don’t get thinner I’m 100% a-ok with that.

The depression’s definitely gone. It’s just anxiety stuff that I’m a little better with in some ways, but it’s definitely not gone. Learning to work with myself with adhd/efd stuff.

All-in-all, IT DOES GET BETTER

for all of you who’ve been following this blog and saw the shitty situation I was in and how fucking depressed I was, and if you’re depressed right now

holy shit it really does get better, I promise

[left-to-learn-blog]

I think I might be ready to stop doing regular therapy appointments and just call and make one if I need to.

[left-to-learn-blog]

Tagged by @zymish.

First 10 songs on shuffle:

“Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger”

“Pathetic House” from the Undertale soundtrack by Toby Fox

“Your Best friend” Undertale, Toby Fox

“Uwa!! So Temperate” Undertale, Toby Fox

CL4P-TP dubstep remix from youtube

“Last Episode!” Undertale, Toby Fox

“Mysterious Place” Undertale, Toby Fox

“Bring It In, Guys“ Undertale, Toby Fox

“It’s Showtime!” Undertale, Toby Fox

(not talking intense and fast) rhythmic fingernail tapping ASMR

What the fuck happened

my iTunes is a wreck

ima try again

Second 10 songs on shuffle:

“Pre-Sequel Rap” by JT Machinima on youtube

“SAVE the World” Undertale, Toby Fox

“Spider Dance” Undertale, Toby Fox

“MEGALOVANIA” Undertale, Toby Fox

“Barrier” Undertale, Toby Fox

“Death Report” Undertale, Toby Fox

“The Choice” Undertale, Toby Fox

“Hotel” Undertale, Toby Fox

“Small Shock” Undertale, Toby Fox

“Home” Undertale, Toby Fox

what the fuck WHAT THE FU--

[left-to-learn-blog]

I was tagged by @hellfireandheartstrings! Thanks : D

1. Where is your favourite place to be?

In my “livingroom” which was my sister’s room/the guest room, but now she’s moved out. I use it for gaming, drawing, writing, and sewing. It’s fucking amazing. It’s my creative/productive space. ;v;

2. Who’s your favourite ‘fictional’ character (any medium)?

oh sweet jesus (also, bless you for the quotation marks on “fictional”)

Probably Sokka from Avatar: the Last Airbender. I just relate to him a ton and his character growth was a beautiful surprise that was really inspiring to me.

But honestly I have loved, crushed on, adopted, sorta-befriended so many people from so many worlds, it feels very inaccurate and limiting to pick just one, yet overwhelming to even contemplate trying to pick more than one. XD

3. What’s your favourite bird (or if you realllly have no preference, animal generally)?

eh I’m not big on birds. Don’t dislike them, just don’t pay much attention to them.

My fave animal is probably cats

4. What is your favourite piece of clothing?

my “guy shirt” and the sleepy shirt I wear underneath. as the name suggests, it was one the first shirts I could feel guyish in even without a binder, and it has a pouch pocket which assists me on g/t days

it’s also my lazy clothes/pajamas meaning unless i’m going out to therapy or a friends house, i’m either wearing my work uniform to work, or i’m wearing that shirt/combo of shirts with my black sweatpants. it’s also warm and comfy

(I do have my binder on in this pic)

5. Dream vehicle (’none’ or ‘a chocobo’ are acceptable answers)?

none. if it reliably gets me from point A to point B and back without risk of breaking down and smells alright and has a cool clicky turn signal and drives smooth without being too pedal-sensitive and preferably has an easy way to listen to music, then it’s all good by me

6. Typical MMO/Final Fantasyish class you feel fits you the most?

uh idk if I’m thinking of the right thing, but Tank? Like that’s me in Borderlands anyway. I wanna punch things til they die XD I’m no good with stealth and strategy. Even strategy like “hey maybe you should crouch behind cover when reloading instead of standing in the middle of a 100 bandits getting shot at”. I attack things so much they don’t get the chance to attack back. (course I somehow Main Axton who’s actually versatile (and I don’t just mean that cuz he’s bisexual ;D) )

7. Favourite city in a world?

i have no idea

“Fantasy is silver and scarlet, indigo and azure, obsidian veined with gold and lapis lazuli. Reality is plywood and plastic, done up in mud brown and olive drab. Fantasy tastes of habaneros and honey, cinnamon and cloves, rare red meat and wines as sweet as summer. Reality is beans and tofu, and ashes at the end. Reality is the strip malls of Burbank, the smokestacks of Cleveland, a parking garage in Newark. Fantasy is the towers of Minas Tirith, the ancient stones of Gormenghast, the halls of Camelot. Fantasy flies on the wings of Icarus, reality on Southwest Airlines. Why do our dreams become so much smaller when they finally come true?

We read fantasy to find the colors again, I think. To taste strong spices and hear the songs the sirens sang. There is something old and true in fantasy that speaks to something deep within us, to the child who dreamt that one day he would hunt the forests of the night, and feast beneath the hollow hills, and find a love to last forever somewhere south of Oz and north of Shangri-La.

They can keep their heaven. When I die, I’d sooner go to Middle-Earth.” — - George R.R. Martin

8. Moment where you most wanted to just shout ‘YAY’ and cheer?

It was vicarious happiness for a couple of friends, but it’s sadly no longer accurate and I don’t wanna bring up why.

9. Congratulations, you’ve won an island! What will you do with it?

Sell it to pay off student loans. Wait maybe I should like make a touring business on it to keep makin the money. But idk how the hell to do that, and anyway whenever I hear of places like that, they take advantage of the native people and it’s just shitty all around idk probably just sell it to the highest buyer/most trusted person to respect the responsibility of the thing.

10. Favourite sound?

When a cat is sleeping and you pet them and they let out a soft, surprised chirrup. “rrrRrRew?”

[left-to-learn-blog]

I was tagged by @zymish (quite a while ago)!

1. Socks or bare feet?

Socks. Always socks. Bare feet are for showers only.

2. Favourite time of day?

Evening

3. Tell me something about your most treasured interest.

G/t! Giants and tinies OVO I have loved it since I was at least 5. Um what to say about it though uh I love handhelds and tiny kisses the most and also when I watched Ferngully and Zak grew super fast back to his normal size I legit got physical chills because I am absolute trash.

Also I’m getting more and more involved in the community and it’s basically my life’s passion and reason for living? and all that and I started a regular movie night club thing that I organize and founded and help host and such and yeah it makes me happier than anything in all the universes combined

4. Got any body mods? Want any?

I don’t have any but I’d like to get a few tattoos in the future when I can, probably g/t and fandom related stuff.

5. Is there a game/book/movie/show you can always come back to, without getting bored?

Avatar: the Last Airbender is definitely up there. Borderlands is too, I’m swiftly discovering. There’s something about an open fantasy world with vague characters (playable characters that you learn little about and can fill in the gaps) that you can explore and create your own inside jokes about that’s a never-ending adventure.

6. When you’re idling, do you prefer to listen to music or not?

Well it depends. Like, in the car, I tend to not have any music on because there’s nothing good on the radio and I don’t have an ipod thing or good cds or whatever so I’ll just sing things from memory or ramble at people in this world or not.

When I’m chillin on the internet I have to have asmr, youtubers, or music going

7. Tell me about a crush/love/best friend of yours. Pick one, whichever.

Pixel is the closest person I’ve ever connected to in this reality and they’re my lightning rod that helps ground me here. They’re gorgeous inside and out and I love them to death <3

8. Ever been to a beach?

twice and they were both bad experiences xp

9. Do you like roller coasters?

FUCK yes

10. PC or console? >: D (I promise this isn’t a loaded question; I like both.)

ahhhh PC just because I don’t have to keep upgrading consoles for new games

but I do love playstation stuff it’s got my fave controller and a lot of great games and I love the artstyles that can go with those games

[juliedillon]

Thing I am trying to make myself learn so I’ll stop stressing out so much: 

Just because there are other people out there who could do a better job at any given thing, doesn’t mean you can’t still give it a try. The fact that more talented/skilled people exist doesn’t mean that anything you do will be by comparison worthless/pointless/stupid. Give it a try anyway. So what if you can’t do [skill] the same way as someone else? The world needs lots of different approaches and viewpoints, and everyone has something unique and important to offer. Don’t let your fear of not being as good as others hold you back from participating at all. You’re allowed to jump in and give it a try, too. Besides, you won’t get better if you never actually try it out and do the work. 

[left-to-learn-blog]

Shay: I don't know what I'm doing with my life, Jit.

Prajit: I do.

Shay: You do?

Prajit: Yes.

Shay: What am I doing with my life?

Prajit: . . . You're working on it.

[1991series]

[crowisgone-deactivated20230422]

Imagine going to a party and the white suburban stay at home mom with two overachiever kids and white dad who barbeques but doesn’t know how to barbeque and yet is always surrounded by other white Dads who compliment his barbqeuing even though they’re just store bought preshaped frozen patties from Ralph’s or Food 4 Less and while he’s cooking those the white mom comes out and says “okay kids, here’s some pizza!” And she pulls this out and starts telling the kids why its a “fun pizza” and then cries in her master bedroom when no one likes it or finishes it and the white dad is then consoling her why she sobs that she’s a terrible mother and ruined her fourth grade straight B+ sons birthday and thinks her kids hate her but they don’t care but she continues crying softly into her pillow while the children eat poorly cooked burgers with unmelted kraft singles and too much mayonnaise and the only other condiments are two pickles and pepper because the dad calls it his special burger with a secret spice but the spice was just pepper and the kids just keep playing E rated games on their Nintendo Wii while the 17 year old older sister starts cleaning the tragedy up and throwing away uneaten “fun pizza” and whole burgers dejected from the start while she dials Pizza Hut to get these kids an actual birthday lunch and the mother then throws a fit because the daughter did something the kids liked and she didn’t and was the only one making a huge deal out of it and the daughter was then grounded from her TV in her room for only two days and the son went to blow out the candles in his standard birthday cake from food 4 less the mom added strawberries to so she could feel she did something but was still slightly teary and sad because her day was ruined by no one wanting to eat her “fun pizza”

[lordsnaccs-deactivated20181230]

i mean i’d eat it

[imsoboredrightnow33444444-deact]

that was a wild ride

[st-pam]

[anightvaleintern-blog1]

@douglocked

[mr-leach]

Some things I’ve learned in the CBT clinics I’ve been going to regarding anxiety that I thought might be helpful to some.

[gloomed-deactivated20181018]

I need to show that panic disorder one to a lot of people wow

[byebyebabyblues]

THIS THIS THIS THIS

[apocalyptic-tea]

I’ve never seen a post about social anxiety which includes the bit about being REALLY outgoing in order to mask imperfections, which is EXACTLY what I do. This is a really great overview of the different anxieties and phobias.

[mandopony]

PLEASE SHARE THIS MORE

[manawhaat]

All of this is amazing and needs to be shared but I cannot stress the phobia thing more.