Life of Me

This is what goes on in my head. This is me. The days I have to write are the hardest.

[introvertdear]

Facts

[introvertdear]

So please don’t take it personally

[introvertdear]

Talk to you when my sanity returns

[introvertdear]

I just don’t.

[introvertdear]

Quiet on the outside, loud on the inside

[introvertdear]

Strange but true

[lehcseimb]

What Precedes the Fall but Pride...

Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend, somewhere along in the bitterness. And I would have stayed up with you all night hd I known how to save a life....

I need you to stay...

Say something I'm giving up on *you. *me

There are so many pieces of songs that describe the depression within me and I'm trying my best not to think at all. Because thinking hurts. Thinking reminds me of what I'm missing; someone to love me the way I love. It hurts to lose people. It hurts even more when those same people are around, just not around you. It hurts even more if a person there,but not there. I lost a friend. Two friends. And I don't know how. And it hurts. Everyday it hurts. I'm hurting so much I'm bleeding onto those around me and I can't stop the heamorrhaging. I'm watching myself bleed out in slow motion and my fingers can't apply enough pressure to permanently close the wound.

I did it again. Got myself involved with someone who is emotionally unstable. Told myself I could handle it. Told myself it was different this time because I wasn't attracted to him. But I let myself feel. I let down the walls to try and heal and I'm lying here broken and bleeding and wondering where the hell I went wrong. Again. How?? How did I not see this happening?? How is it that I am left standing alone again. AGAIN. How the hell am I all alone again.

And I don't not see this being fixed. Am I just to find something to occupy the time and my mind and let that be the plaster over the wound?? Do I just move around like clockwork?? It's not easy letting go of the thing that's hurting you when the thing that's hurting you is what you want. But I need to breathe. I need this weight on my chest to ease. I NEED to not be drowning in these emotions. The hurt and pain and loss and loneliness.

What made me think I could do this??

What makes me think I can do this?? Am I even ready?? The scarring is too much. The walls are too high. The wounds are too deep. The hope is all but faded. The last light of the candle flickers and I don't know if it'll be able to be ignited ever again. I'm done.

I'M.

DONE.

I do not want to hurt anymore. I don't want to rise from the ashes anymore. I don't want to be made stronger by it anymore. I don't want, I can't. I can't be broken anymore. I don't like the way the pieces are being refitted. I don't like me. This is not who I am, waiting for the end to come; this is not what I had planned.

This wasn't at all how it was supposed to be. I wasn't prepared for this. To be lost and insecure and dressed in back and hiding. I don't want to fight anymore.

I just don't.

It shouldn't end like this.

[lehcseimb]

Master of Disguise.

Am I so chill that people don't notice when I'm upset and play it off or are people so self absorbed or in the moment that they can't see it. I think everyone's been around long enough to know me: to be able to read me but it seems not.

I'm so done with people right now that I'm starting to talk myself out of caring about anyone. I'm ready to turn off my phone or block everyone's number and live a solitary life. It's easier. No stress, no let downs, no disappointments but my own. I'm tired of having to explain to people who I am, or what I like, without having to explain why. I don't judge you for the things you like that make you you, so stop trying to force your love language on me. Love me in mine. And I'm tired of having to battle all the abuse left behind by ex's and old friends to prove my worth. And yours.

Just for once, I'd like to have some stability. Some real understanding. Not the kind where you say you know me and recite all the head knowledge like a page off of Wikipedia. But the real kind where you're not trying to force me to be something I'm not or enjoy something I don't. Love me enough to leave me in my corner. Enjoy your other friends, I'll emerge when I'm ready. I'm always that background friend anyway. Don't really fit in with any one group, but I just blend in on the outskirts like a third wheel.

Is there a point to self love if no-one loves you but you?? Do we ever really stop seeking validation from others??

[lehcseimb]

What is freedom even??

You don't know. People who've known freedom their entire lives don't understand that physical limitations come with mental prisons. You can't understand that even though we've outgrown the barriers the voice in our heads never rally goes away. We learn to ignore it, to 'do' inspite of it, but it's always there, sometimes ringing louder than others. It's misplaced fear and guilt, a sinking dread of what ifs, followed by a mental talking to, a pep talk that 'it's ok now, you're grown, there's nothing wrong with what you're doing' IT NEVER GOES AWAY. You learn to live with it, despite it, but it's always there.

[lehcseimb]

I'm Y'all: When different is the same.

I tried so hard to be different: to be the understanding one, the non-judgemental one, the caring one, the listening ear. I put aside my own feelings and needs to take care of those around me. And then when asked about your absence you tell a story of friends you no longer trust and it's "you all" didn't do this and "you all" did that. You... All. And here I was thinking I was giving you space and accepting the moodiness and the isolation. Here I was thinking that I was treating you the same as I always have, loving you, caring about you, wanting the best for you, and I get lumped in as you all... That's a blow I didn't see coming.

It was hard enough not having you around in a friend capacity because of what you were going through, and defending your absence and isolation to others even while I myself was hurting and lost. It was hard wondering if that was the kind of person you were all along, the kind to be so wrapped up in their own feelings that they couldn't see the hurt others were going through, or the kind that's so self engulfed that they can't show care to their friends. But I still tried to make an effort even though I was hurting. But then you tried to explain something and "You All"... And that was my undoing... All my efforts in vain if I couldn't even be that friend. The one you could come to when all is failing.

I keep putting my trust in the wrong places.

Am I asking too much to be looking for people who can look up from their storm and still show care to others?? And why is what I do never enough?

I won't build my walls back higher; just thicker. I'll weather this storm solo like so many others before and find peace on the other side. See what stands the test of time and trial.

[lehcseimb]

THOUGHTS THAT HOLD.

What thoughts may wonder deep within, Time frozen still but edges on, Make peace the y day but slander still, Towards the dawn a lifeless piece.

My thoughts they say are way too deep, Endless droughts and feverish holes, Beneath the sunken abyss lies, A grave of shallow pretty smiles.

These thoughts to me a close encounters, Fleeting fancies from another, They main is deeply and forever, Lessons learnt and lessons taught.

My thoughts are only my mine to hold, For seldom shared they have no home, But in my heart and mind and soul, Forever scarred, always to roam.

[introvertdear]

❤️

[introvertdear]

This!

[melonmemes]

[introvertlifestyle]

“A friend is someone who knows all about you and still loves you.”

— Elbert Hubbard

[lehcseimb]

Gutted; but not without Hope.

I am here.

And here is where I am in the middle of nowhere.

Planted firmly on the ground with my feet shackled together encased in a mound of God knows what.

Mouth free to speak but mind blank like sheets of copy paper ready to be filled with ink, Invisible ink. Because with all I know I seem to not know anything. Because these things around me seem to be the only things that surround me because it seems I've forgotten that He's surrounded me - with love, and beauty, and.. and... And....things.

Things- because I can't find the words that were spoken over me because words that were spoken about me - by me- have sunk so far deep into me that I am left digging holes into me to find that... peace.

A peace that I know surpasseth all understanding but I can't seem to understand where that peace went because after a while that piece of me went. That piece of me that hoped. That piece of me that believed. That piece of me that brought peace to me in the times of storm so that no trouble could trouble me. Peace.

I left it there when I left You there, when I closed the book but kept my eyes open - to see. To see what!!! Nothing! Because now I realise that I can't see even what's right in front of me - Two feet in front of me, blind - looking at the back of my hand, blind - seeing my name written there, blind - watching your lips move as they speak the words I love you, blind - seeing your arms outstretched to wrap me in them, blind.

Because I can't move beacaue of the weight that I've somehow managed pick up on this journey to wherever it was I was going. So now I have to wait. Wait on this weight to be lifted so I could be free from this burden that caused me to gain so much weight I just keep adding and adding depression and pain and sorrow and shame and maybe if I ignore it will go away - Away into the holes I keep digging in myself looking for the way out.

But out is right in front of me, but me being so blind I can't even speak the necessary words. Words that would bring me closer to you because I'm not really blind. Just afraid. - afraid of everything. Afraid of what will happen if I trust you, if I don't trust you, if I don't trust you enough. If I never get it right. What if I spend my whole life trying to get it right. Do I ever lose this fear??

[apriljinxed]

You’re easy to love

Because your wounds

Look just like mine

Soft and familiar

Their borders

Whispered into a skin of stars

Bathed in light

By a handful of moons

.

You’re easy to love

Despite how you

Hide your pain in shadows

Behind tangled roots

Climbing each vertebrae

Of your spine

As it becomes you

And you become lessened

.

You’re easy to love

Because I’ve learned

To loathe my wounds

Their underlying ridges

Map continents of destruction

A story told

Of failure and weakness

Coordinates of which I’d really rather forget

.

You’re easy to love

Because your wounds

Look just like mine

But yours

I can bathe in forgiveness

Yours

I can kiss and say

“You didn’t deserve that”

Yours

I can love

Because yours

I can see for what they are

.

Even though your heart is broken

You’re easy to love

Just like I hope

I could be too.