Leif

he/him, ftm, 29 🌹/ I don't send pictures and don't want yours ; I want to go home

[mademoiseellllee]

[leif-is-life]

Sitting together at the beach and watching the sunset. Listening to the waves and being close.

[henezmoj]

[leif-is-life]

Just us.

[leif-is-life]

😈🤭😁😏

🖤

[leif-is-life]

I should remember that food is always a regret. I should have avoided this.

My father, or my parents, bring the best out of me. (dark humor)

I almost shattered right in front of them.

He smiled, while everything deep inside of me hurt.

And I kept thinking "I want to be d34d. I want to be d34d. I want to be d34d."

It hurts so bad.

I don't want to ever speak a word again. I don't want to hear my voice.

It hurts. It hurts. It hurts.

"She"

[remanence-of-love]

[leif-is-life]

*heavy exhale

[braaainwaaash]

[leif-is-life]

Everything was right...it seemed all right...

[onefive2]

[leif-is-life]

It's okay, is it?

[majesstiqe]

the further you go, the less colour you see

[fromhersoul]

[leif-is-life]

Mentally I'm a mess now.

I keep thinking that I need to do something nice for him now to "make it right again/make up for it again". I try to come up with something he might like, but can't really.

At the same time I know this is dumb. I did nothing wrong, but I feel like it.

I felt bad, I was overthinking and panicking after sending it and while I waited for his reaction. And then I made a big deal out of it and was upset and kept him from sleep. Arg what a mess I made again.

He doesn't deserves this mess.

...

I know he said it was all ok.

I know he cares about me.

I know he loves me.

He knows and understands I struggle mentally and just overall. He stayed through all my sh1t.

...

Okay.

I don't need to make it up.

I don't need to feel guilty and sorry and be so sad.

It's just trauma. Or a messy mental state.

It'll be okay.

It is okay.

5 hours and you'll say good morning.

You have 5 hours to calm down and just be, to clear your mind and shake it off.

[leif-is-life]

Overthinking.

Maybe he thinks it's ugly or maybe he thinks that's nothing and I made a big deal out of it, when this is laughable.

I don't know.

[ak-nm]

[leif-is-life]

The sea is calling...

[gothredy]

[leif-is-life]

Bad dream.

Long, complex.

One scene...

Family. All of them and more. At an event. A wedding. Long table.

Food. Weird food. Stains. On my lap. Huge and bad. Embarassing.

My father embarassed me in front of everyone.

His father said I should wear a (wedding) dress. Dress. (Not the wedding part is the issue, but seing me as a straight woman and wanting me to get married to a man and have kids. Straight cis expections with no concept, idea or understanding that I'm not this.)

My mother watched me.

My brother watched me.

They all started deadnaming me over and over. They smiled. Those hurt. Not carefree or fully oblivious.

I wanted to grab Stu's hand on my right for support. I needed him. He wasn't there.

I ran off. Back to a flat. Dark.

Grabbed water bottles and filled them with water. Rushed, fast, quick, shaking.

Wanted to hide in my room for a few days, but no key.

Bathroom. Locked myself there. Only room to lock.

My mother. Talking to me. Almost mocking me for my behaviour. Deadnaming me more. Misgendering me. Calling me things.

I told her she's wrong with everything and that I'm not her daughter. She made big eyes and played dumb as if she didn't understand what I was talking about and if this information was new.

More, a lot lot lot more stuff happened, but I can't think or type anymore. Breathing is my whole focus.

I saved a little half d34d orange kitten in the bitter cold by giving her a frozen strawberry. All I had. She was so cute. I wanted to take care of her.

...

It hurts so much. I still hear them. From my dream and reality. My heart is too much.

[badtundra]

we're all broken.

the point is to find the person whose broken pieces fit with yours.

[leif-is-life]

We fit pretty well. ❤

[leif-is-life]

Crying is often seen as bad or weak, but you car try to either romantasize it or maybe see it from a different perspective.

I am crying, cause I miss him. That could be seen as bad or sad, but if we think about it, I am crying, cause I love him so much and I feel so deeply for him, that I am crying. It shows how strong my love for him is and that is beautiful.

I love you, my Mindreader. And I really miss you.

[leif-is-life]

Maybe I'm feeling this now, cause I think I'm not enough, I'm not right, I'm not valid like this,...

Maybe I'm feeling this now, cause I tried to lie to everyone and myself. To hide parts of me.

Maybe I'm feeling like this now, cause I'm mourning and grieving. Grieving the old days, when I was unaware and naive. Young and more carefree. Or grieving who I could have been and could be now, would I have had the chance to be brave enough and they would have believed me.

But I know, even though that chance is barely there and it doesn't matters, cause that didn't happen, would it happeed, I would not be here like this now and it breaks my heart to imagine my life without him.

I miss you, my Mindreader.

I wish you could hold me now.

I miss you so much. My soul hurts.