Back to the night where we had our first fight. I was ready to talk to him, so I went out of the room only to find him fast asleep on the sofa. My first thought was how could he so easily fast asleep when we were in a cold war mode. I honestly felt quite upset and I went straight to our bedroom. But once I was inside, my thought flew to him. I suddenly imagined how would it felt to live without him. And the thought definitely scared me. I’d rather have him being annoying than not seeing him at all. I could bear with his antics rather than let him out of my sight. I never knew how long God would grant me time with him. I could not even guarantee that he would be with me the next second, that’s why I should not spend our time being apart and not talking. With that thought in mind, I got to him and that was when I noticed his state for the first time after our fight. I noticed how tired he looked, how he felt like freezing, how his neck did not look comfortable at all. That was when I knew he was waiting for me, but he just could not fight the drowsiness since he has been working all day.
I woke him up and pulled him to the bedroom. He seemed still out of it and he kept looking at me. He then hugged me so tight and said sorry repeatedly. He seemed so touch that I came to him first that his voice sounded hoarse. At first, I thought it was because he felt sleepy, but after several minutes, I felt my shoulder getting wet. He was crying! I was panicked because he sounded hurt. I tried to lift his face but he was not letting me, he only hold me tighter. I thought it was only right if I console him. I asked him why did he cry but he still insisted that he was not. I told him it was okay, but then again, he insisted it was not. After his sobbing subsided, we started to talk like how adult should do. I asked him why he did not try to console me in the room and he said he tried to stop me from leaving but I was so persistent to leave that he thought I needed time to calm myself. I even closed the door quite loudly. He said he was waiting for me the whole time outside the room that he got tired and felt asleep. That was when I realized I have been so unfair to him. I thought he did not care about me being mad which was why he did not try to make up with me in the room, when in fact, he was just doing what he thought was right at that moment, waiting for me. He said I might get angrier if he tried to approach me.
I tried to lighten the mood by teasing him about him crying. Wasn’ it supposed to be me who should be crying? He said he guessed it was the combination of the thought of hurting me and the fact that I approached him first touched him quite deeply. He said he just cannot bear the thought of him as a person who hurt me.
“I should not hurt you, I cannot hurt you, even the thought of it hurt so much. I think I will hurt more than you do when I do something that anger you. Just please don’t get mad anymore, ok?”
That was when I knew we would be fine. The fact that he was hurting of the thought of hurting me just proved how thoughtful he was. At that time, I prayed to God to keep him this way. It was rare to see him so genuine when he was constantly being playful. I actually felt thankful for the fight, because of that, I saw how sincere he was. I promised to myself that I would not let any fight lasted more than a day in the future. Because I knew, we would never intentionally hurt each other. If we fight in the future, it will always be because some misunderstandings.
More times than not, during fight, we assume how other parties feel, what they think, or even guessing their intentions without really confirming them. We built these bubbles in our head about how hateful other persons without trying to understand their point of views. I was somehow glad that we talked thoroughly about how we felt and what we thought because that was the rightest way to reconcile. Communicate! We should give other chance to explain. We should listen to understand, not listen to talk back.
We still have so long way to go. We will definitely fight at times. But this writing here will be one of my reminders that we will never have ill intentions, we just need to understand each other better, we just need to listen, and we just need to say sorry. Because our smiles are much more precious than the tears, unless they are tears of happiness.
Karena kita harus serumah, sesurga, InsyaAllah.
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