Curious, and Curiouser.

Quand il m'arrive quelque chose, je prefere etre la - L'Etranger, Albert Camus.

[lemon-aidplease]

didn’t want to get out of bed today, but i did

didn’t want to go to church today, but i did

didn’t want to go for prayer today, but i did

the altar call was for me, the prayer was for me

i cried, for me

but the minute we step out, your negativity just sucks my soul out

you are my prison, you are why i’m suffocating

there’s no air around you to breathe

so why do i even bother to go to church, when i come out and nothing changes.

how can you go to church and pray those prayers and come out and still be this person, how can you live with yourself

you make me feel like a hypocrite, like i’m not worth all the prayers and the effort because at the end of the day, when i step out of those doors, i walk right back into the cell that you lock behind me

[lemon-aidplease]

a little lost. i’d be lying if my first instinct isn’t to run away to another country and start again. wasn’t that the plan all along? 

where can i even go next? stuck. 

[lemon-aidplease]

come with you, cross the border, queues everywhere. waited and hour and a half, not sure if you’re okay.

you finally made it through, no empathy. just complaining. just attitude. always get you shitty attitude.

i don’t have a lot of free saturdays.. doesn’t matter.

[lemon-aidplease]

i realised i don’t put dates or time stamp anymore. it doesn’t matter, it’s all the same.

anytime i write, i scroll back and chances are i’ve already written it before. some days i don’t even bother writing anymore. other days...

can’t keep up with your moods. no one can. maybe not even you.

wish there was a warning sign behind you that i could refer to.

mostly i just need to be a rock, and sit still and wait for it to pass. my frustration or anger will never surpass yours in time or magnitude or intensity.

just be a rock, still and boring.

[lemon-aidplease]

long week... longer weekend.

the air is so stuffy.. it’s suffocating.

[lemon-aidplease]

it’s hard to keep up with your mood. you do whatever you want, act however you want and expect people to keep up.

it drains me. you drain me.

i was ok this morning, then you walked in and sucked my soul dry.

[lemon-aidplease]

i told you when i moved into this new house, i didn’t want any of that in here. you told me it wouldn’t.

nothing fucking changes. don’t yell at me in my own house. i put in a lot of effort to make this a safe space. now i just want to leave the country and pretend i never stepped foot on this island.

you are the reason i don’t have a relationship with God. you are the reason he keeps knocking and i can’t reach him. you are the reason i can’t stand myself going to church and acting like i’m still the same person. you are the reason i can’t get better. because every time i do, you lie and tell me you are supportive and i believe you. but the minute i do something for myself, you pull me down and drain me. just enough to survive.

you make me vulnerable and hopeful enough to believe that you are there for me, then you strike. and i just want to kill myself all over again.

[lemon-aidplease]

there are no more dates for these posts, i don’t write anymore. only when it gets hard to breathe and i’ve grind my teeth so much my jaw aches and my head hurts. i realise i do that a lot these days, and i hold my breath without realising it.

your negativity drains me. and maybe it wouldn’t do much if you didn’t just tell me you wish i got the best parts of you. i wish you would go home so i could do my work.

instead a nice deed of you picking me up on your day off turns into you sucking the life out of me. no matter how hard i try to keep things light, your negativity and complaining drains me. no matter how much better i feel after a workout, your negativity drains me. every other word is a complaint, is a weight, it’s sucking all the air from my space. it kills the person in me trying, trying to make things better, trying to make an effort, trying for myself.

i have no energy left, i can’t breathe. i’m hungry but i want to puke. your presence and energy and sulkiness and negativity. it drains me.

nothing i can do. it’s a cycle. just need to get my things done so i can sleep.

i have no time or space or capacity for anything or anyone else. you drain me. until there’s no me left.

[onlinecounsellingcollege]

“It’s so difficult to describe depression to someone who’s never been there, because it’s not sadness. I know sadness. Sadness is to cry and to feel. But it’s that cold absence of feeling— that really hollowed-out feeling.”

— J.K. Rowling

[lemon-aidplease]

look back at all the past posts, and realise you forgot those happened. how could i forget...how scared you made me feel, how i snapped and lost my sanity, how i broke down and died over and over again, all the bruises and the struggle and the hurt. how did i forget...

i know better, but why do i never learn.

[lemon-aidplease]

all of the above, but i still make excuses for you. i hide the truth from everyone. i tell them i don’t know where i’ve been, or why i’m constantly running away or caving. i tell them i don’t know why i’m caving. i make excuses for you, to hide you, because i’m ashamed. and i’m stuck. and i don’t know why i’m protecting you. i’m sick of explaining myself or feeling bad for being a bad friend and losing everyone i my life. peel off all the masks, and i’m no longer me. try to go back to my old life but i can’t, and why would i? everyone moved on and left me behind. all i feel is guilt. i’m alone. i’m not even alone with myself. i know what the problem is, i know where my source of negativity comes from. i know better, i know all this. but no one can help me, not even myself.

[lemon-aidplease]

i hate you, and what you do to me

i wish you would just leave me when you drown me

just leave me to die

stop picking me up and playing with me

i hate you

i hate you

[lemon-aidplease]

20180324 // 00:07

why do you always put yourself in positions where you can’t function. putting unnecessary time pressures on yourself when you know you can’t deal.

do you like the drama? the stress? do you like making big deals out of nothing? turning things around from boring to victimising and blame pushing and dramatic...

i couldn’t sleep last night, i deleted a lot of us. photos i didn’t want to look at anymore. not all, some i still feel okay, but more often than not. i can’t look at you the same way, but i can’t leave.

every time you touch me, i tense up. you crawled on top of me and wanted intimacy, all i could see was you holding my chopping knife, threatening me then bringing it to your throat.

something in me snapped that day, a part of me died. you don’t recover from something like that. you forget, life sucks you in and you go on because live goes on with or without you. but you don’t come back from something like that, not a second time.

not after pulling you from my own window, not after you holding a knife to your throat with a wrist full of red angry scars.

i’ve told you time and time again after that day, let’s just be friends. you won’t let me, and i’m scared what you’ll do next if i try again.

everyday i lose myself, just to get away from the me i am with the you that you are now.

i can’t breathe, it’s suffocating.

but it’s a cycle, and you can’t get out. just hold your breath and get through the next wave.

and hope it drowns you.

[undothedamage-blog]

Has he ever trapped you in a room and not let you out? 

Has he ever raised a fist as if he were going to hit you? 

Has he ever thrown an object that hit you or nearly did? 

Has he ever held you down or grabbed you to restrain you? 

Has he ever shoved, poked, or grabbed you? 

Has he ever threatened to hurt you? 

If the answer to any of these questions is yes, then we can stop wondering whether he’ll ever be violent; he already has been.

-Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That

Reading this is a real mind fuck. Because for years I’ve told myself my ex was only emotionally/psychologically abusive. But there were a couple of situations in which he did a couple of the things on this list. And having an expert like Bancroft state, in no uncertain terms, that I was physically assaulted so intellectually knowing that yeah, that’s physical abuse and NOT OK but still having that voice inside, the one developed over a decade of gas-lighting, excuses, relativism, etc. that voice that STILL makes excuses for him is just further crazy making.

He abused me.

Yeah, but it was only a couple of times that I can remember.

It was still physical abuse.

Yeah, but it’s like, the mildest examples on that list.

IT WAS STILL PHYSICAL ABUSE.

Yeah, but it was a long time ago. It was a few isolated incidents, not ongoing.

THAT DOESN’T MAKE IT OK.

Yeah, but I have no proof of what he did. And besides, nobody would take those little things seriously.

ANY PHYSICAL ABUSE IS NOT A LITTLE THING.

Yeah, but…

[ufukedmeup-usikfuk]

[lemon-aidplease]

20180317 // 14:28

im a prisoner in my own house, in my own room.

i have no space to breathe.

it’s non stop threats and yelling.

you held a big chopping knife against your throat and threatened me. used a chair to try to beat my door down. dragged me on the floor and locked me in my own room.

all of a sudden you’re hugging me and trying to comfort me.

it’s confusing.

can’t live but can’t die.

you promised you wouldn’t give me more than i can handle. where are you now....

[things-my-narc-ruined]

Depression fucking sucks. I hate it. Feeling the life just slip out of you as the depression starts to fill you.

Withdrawing further into yourself, and even though you really just want someone to reach out to you,they don’t know because you pushed them away.