I live with a narcissist.

diary of living with a narc, and getting out

[things-my-narc-ruined]

It’s far easier to declutter an ex than it is to declutter my closet.

[things-my-narc-ruined]

I think sometimes he was trying to kill me.

So I keep thinking this and have not shared until now. And I just need to decompress.

I think my ex was trying to kill me indirectly when we were first married. Maybe I’m crazy. For sure he just didn’t care.

Two examples: I was pregnant within a month of marriage. He wanted me to terminate. I didn’t. Not long after he quit his job and lost insurance for us. If something happened to the baby or I, he probably thought he could just be like nah bruh I ain’t paying let them go.

The other was a year later, we drove to New Orleans from Chicago. He was driving 90-100 miles per hour on a causeway. He didn’t care his wife and baby were in the car. We had no where to be. We weren’t late.

Idk. Yeah it’s a reach, but I don’t know how far far it really is.

[things-my-narc-ruined]

Anxiety

Soul crushing

Bankruptcy

Still no insurance

Have to harass the realtor

Still get harassed (let’s be real, it will never end)

Exams

Family

Insomnia at night

Can’t stay awake in the day

[things-my-narc-ruined]

In the weeds

I have been in the thick of life for a while now. Learning how to pay bills, acquire insurance, navigate life not just solo but with a giant baby who tries to make everything harder, dealing with physical and mental health issues, legal issues (I found a GPS on my car), and everything else. I have to sell my house and trying to manage that with 4 kids at home and a dog isn’t easy. And when I finally do get a break I want to chill. Not work more. I finally tackled his office. I threw away 8 large black garbage bags of trash and filled the recycle bin twice. He wouldn’t allow anyone to clean it when he was here, and when he was gone, I tried to clean it but it was so overwhelming. So I just closed the door and left it. For perspective, I found a receipt in there from Target in 2007. We have lived in this home since 2009. I also discovered that he canceled my health insurance. He wasn’t supposed to do that until the divorce was finalized. We made it through mediation but now he says he didn’t agree to certain things, mainly in regards to him taking care of the kids. So I’m of the camp if we are going to change things then I don’t agree to the mediation either because I got stuck with bills I disagree with. But I just wanted to be done. So I signed. Honestly he is just trash. Plain and simple.

[things-my-narc-ruined]

I have been remiss

Please forgive my absence. Summer is here, and we have been enjoying peaceful family time. Hello to you all. Updates soon.

[things-my-narc-ruined]

I learned something mind blowing at group counseling this week.

I asked how do you know if someone is legit? Some people have tells that they are no good. But some are really good at lying. So the answer is time.

The mind blowing part which put so much into perspective, after this much abuse for this long:

Average seems amazing.

Don't settle folks.

[extramadness]

[things-my-narc-ruined]

I stood up for myself

So. I'm learning about standing up for myself. And my feelings. And my wants. And my needs.

And it's hard. So hard. But also worth it.

[things-my-narc-ruined]

So I've been kind of MIA. School finished and I got the grades I wanted (I was at tutoring 3 days a week for math to get a B.) Spent a lot of time with a very close friend who is moving out of state, dealing with other life bullshit.

I'm still going to counseling. I fixed the toilet on my own (had to take it apart and add new things inside). Now I have a squirrel in my attic. I went back to kickboxing, and I'm trying to get into running. So basically, trying to do empowering stuff.

The prosecutors office declined to press child abuse charges against ex. He has been going to anger management classes. He apologized (kinda) to one of the kids. He said back home everyone acts like that, and he doesn't understand why it's ok there and not here. But he knows now it's wrong. But he didn't hit her that much. Smdh

This week court starts. Have friend of the court two days this week. Will be great to share with them all his shady parenting choices. He will be his own destruction.

That's kind of life in a nutshell today.

[khanos-deactivated20170219]

there’s a future version of me who’s proud I was strong enough

[kittehinfurs]

This is the thing I needed to hear today. Thank you.

[things-my-narc-ruined]

Be proud of you now!

[things-my-narc-ruined]

Healing is not linear, and it's not one size fits all.

[things-my-narc-ruined]

hopeisnowhere

Go ahead. Read it. Tell me what it says.

[things-my-narc-ruined]

You know when you're standing, looking at a mountain and admiring it's beauty? And someone tells you go ahead, climb the mountain. Maybe you don't have the proper tools. Maybe you haven't trained enough. You know deep inside you, you probably shouldn't climb the mountain, but you do it anyway?

That's a bad idea. Because when you get to the peak, there are a few ways down. One, you can get shoved off. This is dangerous! Two, you can try and muddle your way down. You will probably get injured, but not as bad as just leaping. Or three, if you trained, and have the right equipment, you can make it back down the mountain unscathed for the most part.

Train and have the right equipment for any mountains you may climb.

[cwote]

it’s hard to not be happy knowing that youve survived everything youve been through :)

[things-my-narc-ruined]

An update if you will

First off, thank you so much for your support and most important, positive thoughts and prayers. I've felt your presence deeply, and know I appreciate you all.

Last Friday was ex’s sentencing. Court was supposed to be at 930, but his lawyer didn't arrive until 11.

I read my statement. I cried. I was shaking like a leaf. Evidently there were some other tears in the courtroom. The judge was very attentive.

As I read my statement, ex was behind me telling his lawyer that's a lie, not true, etc. I made a point to say I have the text messages to back up my statements.

I asked for longest probation possible

Drug testing

Community service

And anger management.

Court was originally going to give him 12 months probation originally, but judge bumped up to 24 based on my statement. Drug testing he said to leave for family court, community service was a no go because it was a violent offense (if I've not been explicitly clear, ex slapped me), but anger management counseling is absolutely happening. Which lasts 26 weeks. If he violates probation in any way, he will go to jail for 60 days. (The judge gave about 18 different ways he could violate probation, and was very clear.)

The parole officer recommended a GPS tether, and ex's lawyer was trying to assassinate my character. How dare I request such a thing, they were blindsided by my statement, he wants time to respond to everything point by point.

So I made sure to say I was not the one who requested the tether, probation did. So the judge dropped the tether. He made ex's lawyer thank me, when he thanked the judge for that. (His lawyer is a slimey weasel).

He also tried to say my victim statement was all lies, but the police report included threatening texts he sent me that the police saw. So he looked foolish.

Overall, I am happy. Disappointed they will probably let him off probation in one year, but better that than 6 months. And my statement is what made it go from 12 to 24 months. During probation, the restraining order stands.

I feel validated, because I was allowed to speak without interruption for the first time in 18 years. And I was listened to.

Thanks for listening, supporting, and caring.

[things-my-narc-ruined]

I don't do well with question marks.

I think I need to find counseling outside of trauma counseling. And by that I really just mean I wish someone would wave a magic wand for me to make everything clear.

Do you ever have days where you question every single aspect of your life? I know I need to take back some power and I will feel better about everything. But sometimes it's so hard to get started. I just don't know where to start, and with so much uncertainty it's hard to even start anything. Will be good when my divorce is finalized and I can take accurate stock of my situation. Until then it's all just speculation.

[onlinecounsellingcollege]

“I will breathe. I will think of solutions. I will not let my worry control me. I will not let my stress level control me. I will simply breath. And it will be OK. Because I don’t quit.”

— Shayne Mcclendon

[things-my-narc-ruined]

Trying.