Summary: Fix Me is a recursive fan fiction based on Ruin Me, by the now-deactivated @coppersaladstories, However, having read Ruin Me is not necessary for Fix Me to make sense.
This fic, featuring a carefully crafted (aka trust me) redemption arc, will explore the aftermath of Reader discovering Joel's affair with his office manager Luna, just 5 months into their marriage - and her pregnancy. Over the course of about a decade (including an epilogue) we'll get to see if Reader can build a life apart from Joel while still having conflicting feelings about the role she wants him to play. We'll also see if there is enough therapy in this world to make Joel stop destroying his own life.
Series TW: Pregnancy and non-graphic childbirth, mental health issues, therapy, discussion of alcohol abuse, kink exploration. Probably more to be added but no one is going to die and no rape/non-con. Promise.
Chapter 1: The Morning After
Chapter 2: A Village
Chapter 3: A Gun
Chapter 4: A Meeting
Chapter 5: A Christmas Gift
Chapter 6: An Understanding
Chapter 7: A Conversation (coming February 9th, 2026)
Hi. I’m not dead and the story isn’t either. I sort of let myself get inside my head combined with a new job and some health concerns and then I felt guilty and blah.
BUT! This story is my baby (don’t tell the cats) and I’m sick of feeling like I abandoned it.
Here’s what I’m struggling with:
I started this fic because I was pissed the fuck off. I felt incredibly betrayed by the ending of Ruin Me and wanted to redeem Joel.
The first thing I started writing? The “happy ending” part of the “angst with a happy ending” which is 10 years after the baby is born.
I was filled with spite and ideas and I was Ready To Go.
But I wasn’t. As I’ve continued writing I’ve thought about things I want to explore, one of which is Reader’s relationship with her mother.
The problem? I’m far enough in that I feel like I can’t add new subplots. I think this is probably a little silly but I’m a little silly.
So, with your permission I am going to get off my figurative ass and:
1) Make a literal list of subplots
2) Edit the plot document to include them
3) Edit Chapters 1-6 (since people will need to reread them at this point anyway)
4) Keep writing
5) Profit?
I love this story and these characters. The edits would not change things (probably), just expand them.
Can you forgive me for being a flake and give me another chance? 🥰
Hi, is everything okay with you? Just checking since I haven't seen you share or post anything in the last few days.
I AM SO SORRY! I saw this early in the morning earlier this week and forgot to come back to it. :(
I am good. I started a new job about two months ago and I love it but it's computer based (accounting adjacent) and the last thing I want to do at the end of the day is be on a computer sometimes.
I will make another post and tag everyone about the status of Fix Me but thank you for checking on me! <3
Self-imposed due dates are for people who aren't me.
I am working on this every day but with the new job and Life Stuff, I don't have as much time to write. But, I am writing and this chapter will take less time than the last one (by a lot) because there was never supposed to be smut in it. It's going to be long, though, because we have so much to do before the baby is born!
In the meantime...
My stomach twisted when I saw her. A fear I couldn’t quite explain, or even understand, shot through me. I didn’t think she’d attack me physically but maybe I feared she had words for me that would hurt worse than a slap.
She looked almost identical to the last time I had seen her. It had been over a year ago, when I had gone downtown with Joel once. He needed to be down there for a meeting with her and both of their lawyers. I had gone to a bookstore while waiting for him but had seen her as she was leaving. I wasn’t sure what I had expected to see now - maybe pink hair or leather pants or something - but she still looked like herself.
I wondered if she thought I looked different till I looked down and realized, as if I had somehow forgotten, that I probably did look a little bit different.
I thought all of this while she made her way over to the table I had been seated at. She stopped beside it and I was unsure if she wanted to hug me, slap me, or shake my hand. I realized she probably didn’t know either because she sat down without doing any of them.
“Hello!” She sounded genuinely happy to see me, though I had no idea why. She nodded toward my stomach. “Congratulations! How far along are you?”
“Uh, about 27 weeks. I’m due April 20th.” For a moment I feared that she would reach her hand - which appeared perfectly manicured - forward to touch my stomach but instead she just nodded.
“That’s the fun time. Once you get closer to your due date, you just get so tired of being pregnant.” Her eyes drifted off, like she was remembering her pregnancy 25 years ago.
Anyone walking by would think we were just two women having dinner together. They wouldn’t realize that I was sitting across from the ex-wife of the man I was pregnant by, who I was in the process of divorcing. They probably wouldn’t believe it. I certainly was struggling to do so.
What if (at some point in the future) Reader goes to a speed dating event and it’s horrible but all of the guys she gets matched with are Pedro characters? 😂
Summary: Reader gets advice from Maria, Maria gets advice from Reader (gasp!), some texts with Javi, some...other stuff with Javi, Tommy being a well-meaning moron while Joel is kind of an asshole, Joel goes back to therapy, and Reader and Joel have a heart-to-heart where no one cries OR yells.
Oof.
Pairing: Joel Miller x OC (she/her pronouns, no physical description)
Word Count: 13.8k (wheeee!)
Chapter 6 TW: None!
Author's Note: I have spent literal weeks trying to write smut and I hated it and I am giving up because the story is more important. I mean, the sex is still there, but it's "closed door." Hopefully the BABY you'll get the chapter after next will make up for it.
Now that I'm allowing myself to not write the bits I don't want to write, the chapters will be coming along at a much faster rate than they have been. I have so much planned (some kissing, some crying, possibly both at once) that I can't wait to share with you.
Thank you for sticking with me. <3
“Hey Maria, can we go shopping later?” I stuck my head through the doorway of her home office, a few days after Christmas.
Maria turned her eyes away from the computer screen in front of her to look at me. “Sure, that sounds fine. Are we looking for anything in particular?”
“Lingere.” I gave her a look that was somewhere between a smile and a grimace as I walked into her office. I sat down in one of the chairs and tried to mentally prepare for more questions.
Maria blinked a few times before managing to speak. “I’m not sure what I expected to come out of your mouth but that was not it.” She paused. “I don’t mean to pry but may I ask the reason for this purchase?”
“Can’t a woman just want to feel sexy while she’s 6 months pregnant?” I was deflecting, but it didn’t matter since Maria didn’t believe me anyway.
“Sure she can, but I meant more specifically why do you need it so soon you are willing to deal with crowds at the mall to get it?” She had turned her whole body to face me by that point, and now leaned back in her leather office chair. “You don’t tend to leave the house unless you have to, not for things you can buy online. So, if you want lingerie, you must need it relatively soon. So, one could make an educated guess that there’s a more..specific reason you need it.”
Well, damn it.
“Yes, I do. I just worry you’ll disapprove. I try to trust your judgement but I really want to do this…mostly.” I was still warring over it in my mind, but on the whole, I thought having sex with Javi seemed like a great idea.
“You want to have sex with Javi, right? Soon?” It might have been a question, but it came out like a statement.
“Yes! How did you know?” I was shocked but a little disappointed to find out I had been so transparent.
“Again, you don’t leave the house. Careful deduction, and by that I mean giving it half a thought, made it pretty obvious. I was sure it wasn’t Tommy, and reasonably sure it wasn’t Joel, and Javi is the only other man I know that you know.” Maria looked pleased with herself, which was fair.
“Well, you’re right. When I walked him out after he came for Christmas he essentially propositioned me. He wasn’t crude about it. Well, not really. But he wants me to come over on New Year’s Eve to…”
“Have a party of two?” Maria was obviously fighting a smile.
I blushed, which made me feel silly. I mean, people had sex with their hot coworkers all the time, right? And it always ended well, surely. “Exactly. And while he wanted me to wear the dress I wore to the holiday party, I don’t have anything sexy to go under it. I just thought I should have something in case I decide to go.”
Maria fixed me with a penetrating stare. “Did you come here to ask me to go shopping or because you haven’t been able to decide what to do?”
“Yes.” My response was coupled with a laugh, but a rueful one.
“Let’s figure out if you’re going before we go shopping for lingerie.” Maria was now leaning forward, clearly very invested.
“Let me guess. You want to turn this into a list of pros and cons?”
“Of course I do! It’s a great tool.” Maria rolled her eyes at my foolishness. “Now, I don’t think we need to cover the pros, but to be fair, we’re going to list them anyway. This keeps the “con” side from getting the advantage just by presence.”
“Okay. Sounds a little overly methodical for the question at hand, but okay.”
“Do you want my help or not?” Maria asked sternly, but grinning.
“Yes, of course, please continue,” I said, meekly, though also through a grin.
“Pros are as follows. One, don’t tell Tommy, but Javi is pretty hot. Two, he thinks you’re hot, which has to be a self-esteem booster for you right now. Three, you’d be going into this knowing it isn’t supposed to lead anywhere so the pressure is off you to worry about feelings. The only feelings you would need to think about would be orgasms.”
“Maria!” I wasn’t sure why it shocked me, but somehow her blunt statement caught me off guard.
“What? I’m 40 years old. Do you honestly think I don’t know how sex works? I do.” She dropped her voice to a whisper. “I’ve even had sex before!”
I rolled my eyes but I had to laugh. “Fine, okay, so number three is that I don’t have to worry about trying to work out whatever romantic feelings I may have since I don’t have any romantic feelings about him. Is there a number four?”
“Four, I get the impression that he is going to make sure you have fun. He doesn’t strike me as the type to get what he wants and then roll over and fall asleep.”
I blushed a little again, but nodded. “I got that impression as well. He said he was going to devour me.”
Maria’s eyebrows shot up. “Are there cons here? Because they’re going to be really strong cons to outweigh the pros.”
I had to laugh, but there were cons. “First, I don’t think I’ll develop feelings for him, but stranger things have happened. Joel is the only one night stand I’ve ever had and I ended up marrying him. Second, I feel like kind of a slut considering I’m not even technically divorced yet, and I’m six months pregnant.”
Maria cut me off. “You are not a slut. There’s no such thing. You’re a woman with experience. You might have more or less experience than another woman but there is not a ‘correct’ amount of experience to have.” I started to respond but she ignored me. “Also, pregnancy does a number on your hormones, obviously. If you have the desire for sex, and you clearly do, there is no reason you shouldn’t have sex.”
She was right, of course, though it didn’t help me shake the feeling of wrongness completely.
“I’m guessing there’s a third reason?” Maria’s voice was softer now, like she knew what was coming. She probably did.
I nodded at her before looking at the floor. She had tried so hard to not let me fall apart just because my marriage had. I didn’t want to disappoint her but I also didn't want to lie. So, at the risk of feeling like I was letting her down, I decided to be honest.
“Just…Joel. It feels wrong. I feel like I’m cheating on him.” There. That was the worst of it. Maria started to speak, but rather than let her, I rushed to follow what I said with, “I know it’s stupid. I know he cheated on me. He lied to me. I get it. It’s just like, I know he’s trying to make things better and I don’t know if he can, but what if he does? What if our daughter is born and he gets his shit together and we work it out? I’m going to feel guilty because this whole time he’s trying so hard and I wasn’t trying at all.”
I looked up and saw Maria looking at me, but her expression was caring, not disappointed. She also, to her credit, didn’t roll her eyes. In the calm, measured voice she used when either Tommy or I were being ridiculous, she asked, “Do you really think this is something you can work out? I’m not asking if you think you two can make it, but do you see this as something you have to work out?” After pausing long enough for her questions to start to sink in, she continued. “Or do you need me to tell you that this is something Joel needs to work out? You can’t take responsibility here, though I know how tempting it is, especially for someone like you.”
I started to speak up in my own defense, but Maria wasn’t done yet and cut me off, gently. “I can’t tell you what you should do, both with regard to Javi or with regard to your relationship with Joel. But, I am going to remind you that this is not your fault. Nothing you did, though you didn’t really do anything wrong, justifies what Joel did. Joel broke it and Joel has to fix it. All you can do is decide what ‘fixed’ looks like.”
I sighed deeply, closing my eyes as if to block out the world and all its questions. It didn’t work, and after a moment I opened them again. “What if I don’t know what ‘fixed’ looks like?”
“I can’t tell you what ‘fixed’ looks like for you but I can tell you that it can’t look like things looked before. If you’re waiting for that, you’ll be waiting forever.” Maria paused. “Do you think the reason you’re struggling might be because you don’t want to realize that things as they were are over? You deciding to sleep with Javi or date someone at some point takes you farther away from where you were a little over a month ago?”
I thought about it. “Maybe a little. It’s like Joel put this huge chasm between us and is now trying really hard to mend things, to fix them. If I do something like sleep with Javi, it’s going to just make the split wider.”
“How long are you going to give him?” Maria asked, eyebrow raised.
“Who? Javi?”
Maria did roll her eyes this time. “No, Joel. How long are you going to give him to fix things before you let yourself get on with your life? I mean, you’re having his baby and you want him to be involved, but I’m talking about you as a person, as a woman. How much time are you telling yourself you owe him to get his shit together?”
Ouch.
“I guess I don’t owe him anything, but I feel like I should want us to work it out as badly as he does. I think that, deep down, I want us to work out but we’re so far from that now, and you’re right. I hate that this isn’t something I can control, or something I can know the ending of.” I sighed a sigh that felt like it came from my toes. “And, you’re right. I can’t let my relationship with Joel, which is now co-parents and kind of friends and may never be more than that, decide whatever other relationships I want to have. Or, whatever this thing with Javi would be called.”
“Mhmm,” Maria said in agreement.
“So I should sleep with Javi if I want to…but it’s okay to not want Joel to know? Just because there’s nothing to be gained by him knowing…and it will help me avoid the guilt I’m trying not to have.”
Maria hesitated for a moment, then nodded. “Tommy and Joel are coming over but I’ll try to push it out so you don’t end up leaving at 4:00pm to avoid them. I’d move it all to their place but they’d complain because my TV is bigger. But, don’t worry. I won’t tell Tommy why because while I love him, sometimes he can’t keep his mouth shut.”
I nodded, then took in a deep breath. “So, I guess I need to go text Javi.”
Maria looked shocked. “What, no!”
“I thought we just decided I could have sex with him if I wanted!”
Another eyeroll. “Obviously, but I thought you said we could go shopping!”
I burst out laughing. I couldn’t help it. “Yes, we can go shopping.
An hour later we were at the mall, where there were a few stores that sold lingerie and even more that sold ice cream. We decided to tackle the ice cream first to have the energy for the lingerie shopping.
As we sat at a food court table, I sighed without thinking.
“What’s up? You okay?”
I nodded, and meant it. “It’s fine. It’s just the first date Joel and I ever went on was to get ice cream. It’s a happy memory, and a happy sigh.”
Maria smiled, as if she understood what I meant. “First date? When during your relationship journey did this date occur?”
“Relationship journey. Nice. It was the week between Jack and I breaking up and everything falling apart, when I lived with him and Tess. He picked me up from work and drove a few hours out and we had ice cream.”
Maria looked understandably confused. “Why drive out of town? A special shop or something?”
“That was my question, but he said it was because we could actually act like a couple there. Hold hands and that sort of thing. It was nice.” I hesitated, not sure if I should continue. “That was also the night he told me he’d filed for divorce. We hadn’t talked about it but I was happy, and excited. It was a big step.”
I knew it was probably silly to still see that as a happy memory, but I couldn’t help it. I knew if I wanted to keep it that way, I needed to stop talking about it, because the bad stuff that happened later would creep in. Instead, I tried to segue into something I thought would be a happier topic.
“How is the wedding planning going? Everything on schedule?” I asked, ready for Maria to start overflowing with information like she normally did. Instead she looked away for a moment, slumping her shoulders. When she looked back at me, her eyes were brimming with tears.
“Whoa! What’s wrong? You’re not calling off the wedding or something, are you?” My eyes were wide - I had never seen Maria come close to crying. She wasn’t cold or unfeeling, but she was focused and efficient. Her and her lists of pros and cons.
Maria let out a chuckle as she wiped her eyes. “No, Tommy and I are still getting married, as of the last time we talked. It’s not that.” She looked at me, and she looked so sad. “Is it okay if I complain about my family? I know you don’t talk to yours much, so I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable.”
My eyes grew wide. “Of course you can! If you ever start talking about things I don’t think I can handle, like birth horror stories, I’ll let you know to stop.”
It was Maria’s turn for her eyes to widen, “People do that?”
“Oh, sure. Everyone knows someone who had an emergency c-section because the baby was in danger, a baby born so early it almost didn’t survive, and in two cases, I heard stories about women who died during childbirth. I like to pretend they meant well, just because I hate to think the opposite.” I laughed, because what else could I do, then redirected the conversation.
“So, your family is driving you nuts? You usually get along, right? You and your folks are close?” I had only spoken with her parents a few times, always small talk, but they’d been very friendly.
“We do get along, usually, but my mom has turned into a bridezilla and she’s not even the bride! If I try to say anything she tells me I’m her only daughter and she’s just trying to make sure I have the perfect wedding. She refuses to see that I don't want a perfect wedding.”
I raised an eyebrow. Maria didn’t strike me as a woman interested in a low-key wedding in someone’s backyard, with people dressed in casual clothes and a homemade cake.
Maria laughed. “I don’t mean what I think you’re picturing. I just mean she’s inviting way more people than we wanted, and most of them Tommy and I don’t know. She’s talking about place settings and engraved wedding favors when I wouldn’t mind a taco bar and those jelly bean baggies with stickers on them.”
My eyes lit up. “Ooo! I vote taco bar!”
“Me too! That’s what Tommy and I want! But she’s right that I’m her only daughter. I have three older brothers and she was so excited to have a girl. She thought I was born to be her best friend.” Maria sighed and looked away, but more like she was remembering rather than trying to avoid my gaze.
“I was truly a ‘mama’s little princess’ when I was little. Thankfully, I liked frilly dresses and dance classes and that sort of thing, and she didn’t force me into pageants or anything. Even when I got a little older, and wasn’t so big on the frills, I still took dance classes and started wearing makeup before other girls in my class. I didn’t mind it, not really. I didn’t have anything else I was passionate about so it was just easier to go along with what she wanted.”
I was shocked. This was nothing like the Maria I knew. She was no nonsense, driven, and knew exactly what she wanted. “So what happened? Why are you…not like that now, I guess?”
Maria gave a small chuckle but it didn’t sound like she found any of it humorous. “When I went to high school, they did all these aptitude tests. It was a private school, meant to send their graduates on to the Ivy League colleges. I did okay, except in math.”
I clicked my tongue. Math had been the worst part of college for me, and probably why I didn’t pursue my Master’s degree in architecture. “I understand. Math is evil.”
Maria laughed. “You didn’t let me finish! I scored very high in math aptitude. They gave us the tests at the beginning of the summer after sophomore year and at their suggestion, I spent the summer with some math textbooks and when school started, I was able to test into senior level math.”
I faked a scowl. “So you’re one of those people! Destroying the curve for the rest of us!” I laughed, not really meaning it, but continued. “I’m guessing math became your passion?”
“Sort of, but I was doing math for math’s sake. But, when my dad found out from my teacher, on Parent-Teacher Night, how I was doing, he started giving me business textbooks and the summer after my junior year of high school, he set me up with an internship. I loved it, and, as you know, have thrown my heart and soul into the company. I got my MBA and have worked my way up. Dad doesn’t believe in nepotism.” She grinned, and I knew she was justifiably proud of herself.
“So where’s the problem? You found what you’re passionate about and you’re good at it. I get it. We’re both lucky that way.” There was something I was missing.
“When I started being ‘daddy’s little businesswoman’ I sort of stopped being ‘mommy’s little princess.’ She was happy I found something I was passionate about but was less happy I quit dance classes. But, that was over 20 years ago and she’d come to terms with it. I help run my dad’s company and go to fancy restaurants with her a few times a month, where I even wear frills sometimes.”
“But now?” I could see, now, what was happening.
“Now I have the woman who raised me, who taught me how to swim, how to shave my legs, and how to deal with bullies, trying to take over my wedding and I feel guilty for not wanting her to.”
I thought for a moment, because I wanted to help but didn’t want to say the wrong thing.
“You’re getting married in a little over six months, right? Middle of June? Who is paying for the wedding?”
“Mostly my parents, thankfully, because Tommy and I can’t afford the wedding my mom is planning.” She sighed again, sounding defeated.
“Can you and Tommy afford the kind of wedding you want?” I knew how much Tommy made, roughly, because of my marriage to Joel, and I imagined Maria did pretty well for herself.
“We could, I’d just be making my mom so unhappy. I talked to my dad, but he’s been making my mom happy for 50 years, whether he wanted to or not, so he was no help.”
“Maria, I want you to ask yourself something. Can you deal with this for the next six months? You’re almost crying now, and I can’t imagine it’s going to get better.” Maria looked horrified. It was clear she had blocked out thoughts about the months to come.
I took a deep breath and continued. “Listen. You are one of the strongest women I know but also one of the kindest. You put up with me living in your house and you’re marrying Tommy. You just need to let yourself be strong for yourself and know that being kind to yourself and saying what you need doesn’t make you a bad person.”
Maria looked teary-eyed again. “But I hate disagreeing with her so much, because if I win, I feel guilty, but if she wins, I feel resentful.”
On impulse, I leaned over and gave her as big a hug as I could give with my belly in the way.
“I think, maybe, you should stop trying to win something that should never have been a war. You’re the one who will look back on your wedding in 20 years and I want you to be happy with what you see. I want you to see you in the pictures. Not just you as a person but surrounded by the things and people that make you and Tommy happy.”
“But how do I tell my mom that? How do I tell her that this is my wedding, not hers?” Maria looked like there might be light at the end of the tunnel, but she wasn’t ready to believe it.
“Have you told her how unhappy you are? Do you think it would help if you just sat down with her and laid it all out? I’m not talking about disagreeing with individual decisions, but actually telling her that she is turning one of the happiest days of your life into a continuous panic attack?” I thought for a moment. “You know, I wouldn’t phrase it quite like that. But make sure you include the taco bar. Who doesn’t love a taco bar?”
Maria laughed, then nodded. “I’ll talk to Tommy. He likes my mom but he’s frustrated too. And, if talking to her doesn’t work, we could just elope.”
I pretended to be horrified. “If you elope, I don’t get my taco bar! I will be a new mother and that trumps being the bride. I don’t make the rules.”
Maria laughed and stood, and I did the same.
“Now that we’ve discussed how to rescue my wedding from my mother, let’s go find you some sexy underwear.” She walked over to the big map of the mall, clearly looking for stores that sold lingerie.
I looked for the nearest bathroom.
Me: Hi! I wanted to let you know I’m going to come over on NYE if that’s still okay.
Javi: Of course, mi hermosa!
Me: Doesn’t that mean ‘my sister’?”
Javi: LOL
Javi: That’s “mi hermana.” “Mi hermosa” is more like “my beautiful.”
I blushed at my misunderstanding, but since he couldn’t see it, I decided to tease him back.
Me: Did you just say you thought I shouldn’t come over on NYE? Because that’s what I think I’m reading.
Javi: No! Please come! I promise not to laugh at you anymore!
Me: I will, since you asked so nicely. 7:00pm okay?
Javi: 7:00pm sounds great. Make sure to drink lots of water before you come over.
Me: Why? I’m pregnant. I’m hoping I don’t have to stop for a pee break as it is.
Javi: If you cum too much you might get dehydrated.
Oh.
Me: I’ll keep that in mind. ;)
Javi: Please do. I will see you soon, mi hermana!
Hilarious.
I rang the doorbell with a shaking hand. I was frustrated with myself - I was a 27 year old woman who was essentially single, not some 16 year old girl with no idea what she was doing. Though, the tightness in my stomach made me wonder if I really did know what I was doing.
Javi opened the door with a smile and I exhaled the breath I had been unconsciously holding. The smile was real and disarming, and I felt my nervousness abating a little.
“Come in! Let me grab your coat.” He moved out of the way to let me through the front door, then closed it behind me. He was wearing a burgundy short sleeve button up tucked into jeans, a shiny belt buckle drawing attention to the waistband of his pants.
I realized I was staring and blushed. “Hi. Thanks.” I dropped my bag on a small, wooden table just inside the front door and he helped me slide out of my coat, hanging it on a hook by the door.
His eyes scanned my body and his smile turned into a grin. “So you wore it?” His eyes roamed over my body, taking in the view. I suddenly felt very shy and looked down at the floor.
“Hey, no, look at me.” Javi lightly pushed my chin up so I was looking into his eyes again. He seemed unsure what to say so he leaned forward and kissed me.
There was no hesitation this time, no wondering if I would kiss him back or push him away. I leaned into him, wrapping my arms around his neck. He brought his hands up to my hips for a moment before starting to move up my sides, finally settling next to my breasts. He splayed his hands, using his thumbs to stroke my nipples through my dress and I gasped against his mouth.
Javi broke off the kiss, looking concerned. “That okay? Too sensitive?”
I shook my head, probably more vigorously than I needed to. “No, it’s okay, it’s good. Just, if you squeeze my nipples I will have to kill you. “
He smiled and whispered “got it” before leaning in again. I started running my hands over the top half of his chest, feeling the muscles flexing there. Suddenly feeling bold, I pulled away enough to have access to the top button of his shirt. I unbuttoned it, then looked to see him watching me.
“Keep going.” His voice had an edge to it, not angry but insistent.
I drew in a deep breath, and continued working my way down the row of buttons, exposing a grey t-shirt underneath. When I got to his waist I gently tugged, pulling the last few inches from his jeans, then unbuttoned the last button.
“Good girl. So good.” Javi leaned in to kiss me again, this time cupping my breasts before dropping his hands and taking one of mine. I followed him through a hallway, grabbing my bag on the way.
“You really don’t need that,” he told me, eyeing the bag. “I have condoms.”
I breathed a silent sigh of relief. I wanted this but had been fully prepared to walk out if he had refused to wear one.
“It’s not condoms. Well, not only condoms. I brought something to wear. Just something I thought you might like.” It sounded so silly coming out of my mouth, like I was a little girl about to play dress-up.
Javi stopped in the doorway of his room and turned to me, eyes dancing. “Can’t wait to see it. If you want to change in private, the bathroom is right there.” He pointed over my shoulder, to the door right behind me.
“Thanks. I’ll be just a second.”
“Take your time. I’ll just be waiting on the bed, thinking about all the ways I’m going to make you cum.” And with that, he winked at me, smacked my ass through my dress, and disappeared into his room.
I stood there for a moment, just trying to regroup, before I headed into the bathroom. There I removed the dress I had worn longer than I had expected to. I rummaged in my bag - I had brought a few things, including condoms - till I finally found what I had eventually bought when Maria and I went shopping.
All of the bra and panty sets had made me feel so exposed. Considering what I was planning, it seemed ridiculous that I was worried about that, but I couldn’t shut my brain off. So, I found something in a baby doll style that fit well, my breasts gloriously displayed while the bottom half skimmed my stomach. Some of the nighties were essentially just scratchy lace but this one was a soft, gauzy, practically see-through fabric.
In his bathroom mirror, I took in how I looked. My growing belly was highlighted by the fabric and the fit. Rather than making me feel uncomfortable, like my stomach was something to be ashamed of, it made me feel feminine and powerful. My nipples, darker and larger than they had been before pregnancy, were clearly visible and, I hoped, looked incredibly ready to be in Javi’s mouth.
A lot of my body felt ready to be in his mouth.
With that delightful thought in mind, I wiggled into the matching panties with some effort and left the bathroom, turning out the light behind me.
It was noon the next day by the time I left to head back to Maria’s house, admittedly sore but in high spirits. Not only had we spent most of the morning in bed, but we’d agreed to meet up again, before he went back to Colombia at the end of February. I had even remembered to bring Maria’s containers back with me, clean and lids included.
My spirits dipped slightly when I saw Tommy’s truck was still in the driveway. I knew the plan had been for Tommy and Joel to drive over together the night before, which meant that unless Joel had walked home, or taken an Uber, he was still inside. I hoped one of those were true or things were about to get really awkward.
In my nervousness the night before, putting my bag together, I had neglected to include something other than the dress I wore there to wear on my drive home. Javi and I had joked about it when I went to get dressed after a shower, with him suggesting I wear what I had worn to bed. It had earned him a kiss and we both laughed.
I wasn't laughing now. My plan to keep Joel in the dark was falling apart. In my panic, I neglected to see the obvious best course of action - leave, call Maria, have her get rid of the boys, and go home once the coast was clear.
Instead, I decided to just hope I could sneak in unobserved, and if not, lie.
I unlocked the front door, the click sounding twice as loud than it usually did. I entered as quietly as I could - to find all three of them sitting in the living room, in full view of the front door.
I had thankfully cleaned up a little. Thanks to the shower, I no longer looked like a raccoon. But, with what I was wearing, there was no doubt that I had not spent the evening curled up on a sofa somewhere, watching movies with someone. I begged the universe to either not let anyone notice or, as an alternate plan, just let the earth swallow me whole.
Tommy, of course, greeted me with, “Well, you look like a hot mess this morning.”
He looked over at Maria who, instead of agreeing, was shooting him a dirty look. He seemed to be able to read her mind and changed directions. “I mean, you look like you were out all night at a club. One with a lot of people!” He grinned at me, trying to let me know he had my back but before I could figure out how to respond, Joel’s voice cut through my thoughts.
“She doesn’t go to clubs. She doesn’t like crowds and she’s not drinking right now.” I looked over and as I expected, Joel was staring directly at me. I looked away.
“Well, I bet wherever she was, she’s probably hungry, so I’ll take her into the kitchen. You boys stay here.” Maria shot Tommy a look that pretty clearly said, “If you let him come into the kitchen, I will be forced to kill you.”
Maria turned to me, a big, fake smile in place. She was trying to kill the tension when she gestured to the bag I was holding. “What do you have there?”
“Oh, just the plastic containers you sent Javi home with.”
The air in the room froze and I immediately wanted to bite the words back. My eyes shot back to Joel just in time to see him realize the implications of what I had just said.
Everything in my mind told me to look away but my heart wouldn’t let me. I had every right to do what I’d done, and I knew it, but it felt like abandonment to avert my gaze so I kept it focused on him.
I almost regretted it because I knew I’d never forget the look on Joel’s face. There was a flash of rage swallowed immediately by a heartbreak unlike anything I’d ever seen there before. It was worse than the day Tess found us and I’d threatened to leave. It was worse than the night I’d found him and Luna and he’d begged me to try to work it out. It was worse than the look on his face when Jack had stormed out after we told him we were together, swearing we were both dead to him.
It wasn’t just heartbreak, it was defeat. No matter what happened now, this would always be there. It became clear in those few moments that he hadn’t accepted that I might not be coming back. He hadn’t accepted that I might not be willing to wait for him to work out his issues and come back to me whole.
We kept our gazes locked in silence for a moment, till he spoke, voice cracking, “Did you?” It wasn’t accusatory. He wasn’t shaming me. He just wanted, needed to know the worst of it.
“Joel, don’t do this. Please don’t do this.” I didn’t even try to keep the pleading out of my voice.
“I just need to know. I know I don’t have a right to know…I just need to know.” He wanted me to lie but I knew it wouldn’t work. He’d see right through it - plus, lying was why we were where we were.
So, now the look of defeat was on my face as well. The one thing I had tried to avoid had happened.
“Joel, please.” I was still pleading, begging him to not solidify the hurt that had appeared between us. Finally, desperately, I burst out, “Please don’t make me hurt you, Joel. I don’t want to hurt you. I never wanted to hurt you, no matter how much you hurt me. Just, please, don’t.”
And then I burst into tears.
As horrific as that was, it broke the tension in the room. Tommy cleared his throat and said with a fake jovial tone, “You know, I think now is a good time for Joel and I to head out and leave you two ladies to clean up the house from last night.”
Maria nodded, not smiling, and said quietly, “I think it’s a good idea for you boys to go home. I’ll reach out soon, Tommy, and we’ll…figure things out.” Tommy nodded, but Joel was already gone through the front door.
Tommy turned to me, and said in a low voice, with as much care as he ever showed, “I’ll take care of him. It’ll be okay. You didn’t do anything wrong, okay? I think he knows that, it just might take a minute to come to terms with it. He’s got therapy in a few days. That’ll probably help.”
My tears were sniffles now, and I nodded. “I know I didn’t do anything wrong but I didn’t want him to get hurt. I’m not sorry for what I did, but I am sorry he got hurt.”
“That sounds about human,” Tommy said with a smile, which faded quickly. “I’m going to go before Joel tries to hotwire my truck to get out of here. I’ll be in touch soon.” And after a kiss with Maria, he walked towards the front door, following Joel.
Maria turned to me. “I am so sorry. I didn’t realize last night they’d still be here so late today, and I thought you would call first. Not that this is your fault! I just want you to know I didn’t mean for this to happen.” Her voice was a bit panicky and I quickly reassured her.
“It’s okay. I should have called. I didn’t even think about it because…my mind was on other things. So, I guess it really is partly my fault.” I sighed.
“So, ‘other things’ went well, I take it?” Maria had both eyebrows raised, with a smile on her face. Unlike before, this was a real one.
I blushed, though I felt kind of silly for doing it. “They did indeed. We were in bed from about 10 minutes from the time I showed up last night till about two hours ago, except for potty breaks and food.”
“No breakfast in bed? Tell Javi I’m very disappointed in him. I’m guessing you’ll see him again?” Maria sounded so excited about a possible love interest for me, despite knowing I didn’t really want one, that I felt bad about letting her down.
“Breakfast in bed sounds a bit more romantic than this is, I think. I feel very, I think affectionate is the best way to describe it, towards him, but I don’t think either of us thinks us being involved romantically is a good idea. But, we’re probably going to meet up again before he leaves.” I shrugged, because while I looked forward to it, I wasn’t going to day dream about it. It wasn’t like that. “We’ll see how things are when he gets back. Sex feels great now but I’m not sure what I’ll feel like by then. I’ll only be a few weeks out and I am guessing I am going to be exhausted and just ready to not be pregnant anymore.”
Maria laughed, then sighed. “I know you said that you weren’t looking for anything romantic, but I couldn’t help but hope that you’d fall madly in love and then he’d settle down and you’d be less conflicted about everything, if that makes sense? It just seemed like that would make your life easier.”
I smiled back at her, because I understood what she was saying, even if I didn’t share her wish for me. “I know you want my life to be easier, but I don’t think adding romantic feelings in for anyone right now, be it Javi or Joel or Bill Pullman or Pedro Pascal, is going to make anything easier. In fact, I think it would probably make things more complicated. It might be different if I wasn’t pregnant, but the last thing I need is to try to add romance to my life right now. I’m just going to use Javi for sex and I think he’s okay with that.”
“I get Pedro but Bill Pullman?” Maria looked confused.
“What?” I shrugged, like the idea of having romantic feelings for a guy forty-five years older than myself was normal. “He’s kind of hot for an old guy.”
“Well, you do have a type, I guess.” Maria sighed as if it was unfortunate, but couldn’t be helped.
I laughed, which was cut short by a yawn. “I’m sorry, you’re not boring, but I’m exhausted. You weren’t wrong about the hungry thing but I think I’m going to have some leftovers of whatever you guys had last night and then sleep until it’s time to get up for work in the morning.”
Maria’s brow furrowed. “How are you going to handle working with Javi? I’m guessing you’ll keep it quiet?”
“We talked about it, and yeah, we’re going to keep it quiet. Since we’re not actually dating and neither of us is above the other, there aren’t really any policy violations to worry about. Neither of us are really into gossip, so having it be our little secret seems like the best idea.”
“That makes sense.” Maria started but then was cut off by her own yawn. “Okay, food then sleep sounds like a good plan. But I will warn you, I might want more details about your night last night.”
“You mean like how many pee breaks I had to take over the last 18 hours?”
“Oh, ew, never mind.” She scrunched up her nose, clearly not having thought about the risks of talking with a pregnant woman about her sex life.
I laughed and headed into the kitchen to raid the fridge, with Maria following.
Joel had seen Rodney twice now, willingly, but coming in for his third appointment was hard. It had been a few days since New Year’s Day and he was still reeling. He knew he should feel like an asshole for how he responded, and he did, to a certain degree. He’d stormed off like a little kid would, one who would threaten to run away. The only difference is, he had actually done it. The perks of being an adult, he guessed. In any case, he’d taken something about her and made it about him and his feelings. Again.
And he really didn’t want to own up to Rodney.
“So, Joel, how are things? How did Christmas go? How did she feel about her present?” Like Maria, Rodney had thought that the present, the cleaning service, had been a good idea.
Her present. Had that just happened? Had she hugged him, held him, then decided she wanted someone else more? How was he supposed to be okay with that? There was a voice in the back of his head screaming at him, telling him that she wasn’t his anymore, but his heart screamed louder.
“She liked the present, but she brought someone to dinner on Christmas. Just a co-worker that doesn’t have any family close by.” Joel kept his voice even, though he secretly now hated the guy. There were rules about sleeping with someone else’s wife, right? The fact that they were only married on paper now shouldn’t matter. Right?
Rodney knew him well enough already to hear what Joel didn’t want to say. “The look on your face would indicate it was a man, and maybe one you thought she might be interested in, outside of work?”
Joel looked at a bookcase, not wanting to meet Rodney’s eye. “Yeah, it was. Name was Javier. Nice enough guy but,” Joel hesitated,”I felt almost jealous of him. Not just because she liked him but Maria and Tommy did too. And I felt kind of…boring next to him. Maybe a little ‘less than’ and I didn’t like that feeling.” He raised his head to look at Rodney again, but feeling a little ashamed. He was a 52 year old man. Surely he was too old to feel like this?
If Rodney thought that, he kept it to himself. “Why would you feel like that, do you think? Was it something someone said?”
Joel shook his head. “Nothing like that. He just talked about growing up in Colombia - he moved to the US when he was a kid. I just played Little League and had a dog and tried to keep Tommy out of trouble. I wasn’t fleeing civil unrest. He went to college and now he’s an architect. I graduated high school, but not with any awards or anything, and started doing construction. It was decent money, enough to move out, but I never went back to school. Never really wanted to, to be honest.” Joel looked around at the diplomas on Rodney’s walls, and sighed.
Rodney smiled, but there was no malice in it. “Joel, when I was a kid I didn’t play Little League. I read the encyclopedia for fun. I read a lot of things for fun. I wanted to go to college because reading was what I was good at. It was a great choice for me but it not being a great choice for you doesn’t mean I’m smarter or better than you. If I had tried to do construction at 18 I would have probably hurt myself. And now, you run a successful company.”
“I guess you’re right. I don’t think I’m better than anyone, or try not to.” Joel paused. “I can still think his pornstache looks really fuckin’ stupid, right?”
Rodney tried to turn a laugh into a cough, but failed. “I think that’s probably okay, as long as you don’t repeat it where he can hear it. Will you see him again, though? Is there a chance the two of them might become friends?”
Joel’s gaze hit the floor again. He hadn’t said it out loud yet. There hadn’t been a need. He told Tommy he didn’t want to talk about it and thankfully, the other two people who knew hadn’t tried. With a grimace, he realized three other people knew about it.
“Joel?” Rodney sounded concerned. Joel wasn’t always the most forthcoming but he’d never not answered a question.
“It’s okay. I’m okay. Just give me a second.” Joel wasn’t sure what a second would do, really, other than put off the inevitable, but that was enough.
“Okay. Take all the time you need.” He still sounded concerned but Joel knew he wouldn’t press.
A minute or two later he looked up, eyes shiny, but couldn’t meet Rodney’s gaze. He focused back on the diplomas instead.
“Well, I wasn’t sure if I would see him again. They didn’t really flirt at Christmas so I thought maybe she really was just being nice asking him to come. She hugged me when I gave her the present so I thought maybe…I don’t know. Maybe she still cared about me.” And now the tears came, little traitors showing that the stoicism was just an act.
Rodney didn’t seem fazed by Joel’s crying, even if Joel was a little ashamed of it. Rodney simply pointed to the small table next to Joel. “The tissues are there if you need them.” Joel nodded and grabbed a few, then mopped his face and blew his nose.
“What happened after Christmas?” Rodney’s voice was caring but not patronizing. Joel had felt before that Rodney really was trying to help him make sense of the thoughts in his head, and now even more so.
“Tommy and I were supposed to go over to Maria’s house for New Year’s Eve so the four of us could hang out. Games. Pizza. That sort of thing. None of us are really into partying, so we decided to stay home.” Joel had to admit, if only to himself, that it felt like a double date. He’d even asked Maria to figure out some way to not have Javier there. She hadn’t actually agreed but still…that was how things had been last year.
Last year, when they’d only been out in the open for four months, they had been late because they couldn’t keep their hands off each other. Last year, when she’d snuggled up to him under a blanket because he and Tommy had insisted on a scary movie, and hid her face in his chest for the gross parts and elbowed him in the stomach any time there was a jump scare. Last year when they had crashed out in Maria’s guest room, and then after a big breakfast with Tommy and Maria, had driven home and spent the rest of the day in bed.
Last year, before he fucked everything up.
Rodney could tell that Joel’s mind was somewhere else and gave him a minute to collect himself. Once Joel was focused back in the present, Rodney resumed the line of questioning. “I take it that wasn’t what happened? She invited him to be part of the evening?”
“No, she went to his place and spent the night. She had sex with him.”
It came out flatly, but Rodney’s eyes grew wide anyway. He seemed to struggle with what to say next but recovered quickly. “How did you find out? Did she tell you?”
“No, she didn’t want me to find out. She said she didn’t want me to get hurt. But, I saw her when she came home and there were just signs and I put them together.”
“Are you sure you read the signs correctly? Sometimes…” Rodney sounded hopeful for Joel’s sake.
“I asked her, and she wouldn’t tell me, so I kept asking even though it was kind of obvious.” Joel had the decency to look ashamed of himself.
He sighed. “I shouldn’t have done that but this feeling just rose up inside me, like I had to know. She never did answer me, not directly.” Joel drew a ragged breath. He wasn’t crying anymore but sounded on the edge of it. “She said she didn’t want to answer because she didn’t want to hurt me, which was an answer. At that point she started crying, which was when I realized I was being an asshole. So, Tommy and I left and I haven’t talked to her or Maria since then.” Joel had admittedly been feeling a little sorry for himself, but now realized how horrible he had been.
Rodney didn’t berate him, though Joel knew he probably deserved it, but instead asked, “Has Tommy talked to them? Has he said how she’s doing?”
Joel blushed. “I told him I didn’t want to talk about it. I was so angry at everything, at Javier, mostly, but also at her. I convinced myself at first that she’d only done it to hurt me. I thought maybe she told him she didn’t care about me anymore.” He choked up again and paused for a moment before continuing.
“I guess that makes me a coward, but I just couldn’t handle it, and I was afraid if I thought about it too much I’d end up doing something stupid, and she’d hate me.” He sighed. “She probably hates me already. She’s not a hateful person, but I really messed up when I’ve been trying so hard. I had to go and fucking blow it.”
Rodney was silent for a moment, appearing to gather his thoughts. “Well, this is a lot but we’ll work through it. First, what you’re feeling is totally understandable.”
Joel looked at him, eyes wide. “It is?”
Rodney shrugged. “Of course it is. The woman you’re in love with slept with someone else. It would be strange if you weren’t upset.”
Joel was confused, though he tried not to show it. “So I didn’t do anything wrong?” He couldn’t keep the edge of hope out of his voice.
“Ah, that’s not what I said. While your feelings are understandable, the way you handled those feelings could use some work.”
Joel gave a resigned sigh. “I thought it was too good to be true.”
Rodney gave a small smile. “You’re here and you’re talking. That’s a good first move. But, as I know you’re starting to see, that’s only the first move. I’m going to ask you some questions to help you decide what your next move should be. Okay?”
Joel hesitated. He felt he was being given a pop quiz that he wasn’t prepared for. But, he had signed up for this and if it would help, he’d do it. “Okay, I’ll try.”
Rodney nodded, then started in. “Joel, I want you to really think about something. This isn’t a homework question. This is a now question, okay?”
Joel nodded, though a little anxious. He gripped the arms of the chair so hard his knuckles went white.
“Are you confused about the situation you are in right now? I don’t mean what happened the morning you saw her, not specifically. But do you feel like you don’t know what you’re doing or how you should be handling things or even how you’re supposed to be feeling?”
Well, this one was easy.
“Yeah, of course. I want to make things better but I don’t know how. I feel like I’m screwing everything up and I only see how to not do that once it’s too late.”
“Mhmm. Now, here’s another question for you. Do you think she might be confused too? Have you tried to look at this from her perspective? Or do you think she has all the answers or that she’s not worried she’s making the wrong decisions?”
This one, while not actually harder, made Joel feel guilty.
“Yeah, I think she’s probably confused too,” he answered slowly. He wanted to make sure he explained himself as best he could. “I hadn’t really thought about it till now, but I think I thought that because she wasn’t the one who fucked up that she knew what she was doing. I guess I thought that because she was the one in control now, she had all the answers.”
“Do you feel she’s in control? Do you think she feels like she’s in control?”
“I think she’s in control, since she gets to decide what happens next. I hope she knows she’s in charge. I’m trying to take my cues from her.” Joel had to admit he hadn’t been doing great about that but he was trying. That was why he was here.
“Do you think that she feels in control? Or that she feels responsible? Responsible for making sure she keeps herself together while dealing with her first pregnancy and her unexpected divorce? Do you think she feels responsible for making sure nothing falls apart? Because feeling in control and feeling responsible are two very different things.”
Joel knew his eyes were shiny again. Fuck.
“You’re probably right. She’d take this all on as a responsibility because that’s who she is. I made her add me to the list of things she feels responsible for. I made her think that whatever I’m feeling is based on what she does, so she includes my…emotional well-being or whatever the term is in her plans.”
“I think that’s a very important possibility to consider. You said she told you that she didn’t want to hurt you. Do you believe her?”
Joel nodded, but answered truthfully. “I do now but I wasn’t sure at first. I was just so angry at what was happening that I let myself think she would do something like that. I needed it to be someone’s fault other than mine. Once I calmed down, though, I knew I couldn’t imagine her hurting anyone on purpose. Even when she and I were together before my ex-wife found out, I think she felt a lot guiltier than I did.”
“So let’s go back to what happened. Let’s take another look at that morning, when you saw her. I’m not going to tell you what you could have, should have done differently because that doesn’t help you understand why you are doing it differently. I want you to understand how to apply the things we’re talking about, okay?”
Joel nodded, perking up. “Sometimes when we get a new guy at work that’s not familiar with a tool, we show them how to use it, but we make them explain to us how to do it, so we know they understand. Sort of like that?”
“Exactly like that! So, let’s imagine it’s that morning. You hear the front door open. What’s the first thing you do?” Rodney leaned back, apparently ready for Joel to provide a host of correct answers, one after another. Instead, Joel blushed.
“Well, uh, the first thing I would do would be to not convince Tommy to stay later so I could see her. That could have avoided the whole situation,” Joel said, a sheepish expression on his face.
Rodney closed his eyes for a moment as if the insides of his eyelids could give him strength. “Yes, that would have been best. But, let’s imagine Tommy was the one who wanted to stay and you were still there when she got home. What was the first thing you did?”
“Ah, I tried to work out where she had been, based on her clothes and such, but it didn’t really work. I didn’t say anything to her or anything. I just looked.”
“That sounds normal, to want to know that. We, as humans, are naturally curious and it sounds like you didn’t do anything that would make the situation uncomfortable. Then what happened?” Rodney sounded expectant, because he knew Joel had no doubt made things uncomfortable pretty quickly.
“Well, I don’t think Tommy knew either because he made some crack about her looking rough. Maria shot him a look and he started talking about how being out at a club or something was probably why she looked like that. I said I knew she didn’t like clubs and she didn’t like crowds, sort of implying Tommy was wrong.”
“Okay, and how do you think that sounded to her? To Tommy and Maria?”
Joel thought for a moment. “I guess now it seems like I sounded like I was accusing her of something. I didn’t mean to, but that’s probably how it sounded. I shouldn’t have said anything, and let her respond if she wanted to.”
Rodney nodded. “It was her place to share what she wanted to. You have said you think she’s in control, but you took that away from her. You told her that her privacy was less important than your desire to know something you didn’t need to know.”
Joel hung his head for a moment, “Yeah, I fucked up.”
“That’s not how I would phrase it, but you did make an already awkward situation more awkward.”
Joel lifted his head again and looked directly at Rodney. “I know I didn’t handle this well, but you have to admit that if Maria had just told me - or even told Tommy, since he’d tell me - where she was before she got home, then I wouldn’t have been surprised and this whole situation wouldn’t have happened. It was just a shock, I think.”
Rodney lifted an eyebrow. He didn’t say anything at first, but his expression made it clear Joel needed to rethink what he just said. When Joel didn’t say anything, Rodney broke the silence.
“I think you’re missing the fact that we are focusing on your role in this, Joel. You are not here for me to tell you what everyone else should have done differently. And I think, and you’d agree if you really thought about it, you wouldn’t want Maria to violate the trust placed in her any more than you’d want Tommy to talk about you to either of them.”
“I don’t want Maria to tell me stuff she’s not supposed to,” Joel grumbled. “I guess I just wish there weren't things she wasn’t supposed to tell me. But, I guess that’s going to keep happening so I might as well learn to deal with it now.”
“That’s the spirit!” Rodney said brightly, far happier than Joel felt appropriate for the situation.
Joel took a deep sigh. “Okay, fine, so we were talking about how I made things awkward by putting her on the spot. I should have just let her decide if she wanted to answer Tommy instead of trying to corner her for information.”
“Right, so next time you know to ask yourself, ‘Am I answering a question I should give her the chance to answer or am I trying to get information she’s not offering?’ If it’s either of those, it’s best to stay silent.” Rodney waited a moment for Joel to nod, then continued. “So, what happened next?”
“I think Maria could sense that I was tense and so she started to lead her out, towards the kitchen. But when Maria asked her what was in the bag she was holding, she responded that it was some empty containers for some food Maria had sent home with Javier after Christmas. Once she said that, it all just clicked and I figured out what happened.”
“And then you confronted her?” Rodney didn’t sound disapproving but his face betrayed his emotions just a bit.
“I’m not sure I’d say confronted.” Joel paused. “I guess I did confront her, but I wasn’t mad or anything. I just wanted to know for sure what happened so I asked her.” He paused again. “But I put her on the spot by asking, and how I asked probably made it worse. She tried to tell me she didn’t want to talk about it and I just wouldn’t let up. That’s when she started crying.”
“And you stopped asking at that point?”
“I stopped asking, but I stormed off. I didn’t yell or anything, but I might as well have. She was so upset and I just left. She probably wanted me to leave but I didn’t do it for her. I did it because I’m an asshole.” Joel gave a deep, resigned sigh. “But,” he continued before Rodney could ask, “I know that I should have either just not talked - left her alone - or stepped away if I thought I couldn’t stop myself from talking.”
Rodney chose to overlook Joel’s comment about being an asshole. Joel wondered if he secretly agreed with him. “So, you clearly know you didn’t handle it well. It sounds like you know that. And I think you know what you could do differently in situations like this in the future for them to be less hurtful. The question remains, then, why did you behave the way you did? Why did you push her to tell you?”
Joel was back to staring at the wall. “I think maybe my brain was twisting things up. Maybe I thought that if she admitted it, it would make her guilty too, of why we’re where we are. Of course, now I realize there was nothing to admit - she didn’t do anything wrong. She didn’t cheat on me.”
After a moment, Joel was finally able to meet Rodney’s eyes again. “I just knew that it hurt and I didn’t want my pain to be all my fault. It was like if she said that she had slept with him, what I did wouldn’t be as bad. I was hurting, am hurting, over the fact that she slept with him and I think I wanted to put some blame for that, for the pain, on her.”
“And now?”
“Honestly, I think my brain still wants to find someone to blame other than me, even if I know it’s my fault. It’s just so overwhelming. Especially now, when it looks like she’s moving on, and it’s only been a month. My brain starts telling me that her having sex with Javier means she never really cared that much, which is bullshit. Most of my brain knows that it isn’t like that at all. Just, not all of my brain.”
“Well, like you said earlier, it’s a confusing time. You just need to realize she’s confused too and the best thing you can do right now, for both of you, is to not add to that confusion. She’s having a baby, on top of everything else, so we’ll try to keep her stress levels low, okay? When is she due again?”
“April 20th. So, getting there. When we talked at Christmas she said her morning sickness was better, which is good. We both have to find new places to live, still, and get nurseries set up. I told her I’d help out, so she won’t have to buy any of it. She can focus on making it how she wants.”
Rodney gave him a grin. “So, that little girl already has you wrapped around her finger, and she’s not even here yet?”
Joel’s face took on the goofy, sentimental expression it always did when someone mentioned his daughter. “Pretty much. I promised her mom I wouldn’t make her be the mean parent, or spoil the kid, but I can already tell it’s going to be hard.”
“Well, maybe we can work on some skills to help you resist her charms.”
Joel laughed as he stood up to go, having noticed the appointment had gone over a little. “That would be great. But for now, I’ll see you next week?”
Rodney nodded, “I will see you next week. Spend some time this week identifying your favorite colors of nail polish, because I see lots of polished nails in your future.”
“Mine or hers?” Joel now looked suspicious.
“Yours, clearly.” Rodney said with a grin.
About a week after I had spent the night with Javi, I still had not heard from Joel. I had talked to Tommy briefly about the situation - I tried to avoid him having to be in the middle - but he didn’t have much to offer. Joel had told him he didn’t want to talk about it. Tommy hadn’t pressed and I couldn’t encourage him to do so without being a hypocrite. So, I really didn’t know how things stood between Joel and myself and it was starting to bother me. We were getting ready to be co-parents so something had to give.
I decided to invite him over for a time I knew Maria wouldn’t be home. I wasn’t sure why that felt important, the privacy, but it did. Perhaps it was because I felt Maria had taken on so much of the responsibility of my relationship with Joel that I felt it was time to give her a break. What was I supposed to do when I moved out? I needed to learn how to handle at least some of this by myself.
So, I picked a day I knew Maria was working late and invited him over.
Me: Hey, you have time to come over tonight to talk? Maybe 6?
Three dots. Silence. Three dots again.
Joel: Sure. Want me to bring dinner?
A pause. How friendly did I want this conversation to be? If I said no, he’d think I was asking him over to be scolded. That wasn’t totally true, though it wasn’t totally untrue.
Me: That sounds great. You pick. Nothing that will make me sick.
Joel: Mission accepted. I don’t want you to puke any more than you do.
At least we were on the same page about that.
I just hoped we could agree on everything else.
Promptly at 6:00pm, the doorbell rang and I let out the breath I was holding, while my heart rate started to soar a little. “It’s open,” I called out, though louder than I meant to. It sounded more like an order than an invitation, though I guess it was some mix of the two. A moment later, Joel was in the doorway to the kitchen with a bag that smelled really, really good.
“Hey.” He held up the bag. “Chinese. No fried rice. That okay?”
“That sounds great,” I answered, and meant it. He and I being alone felt weird, though. Part of me felt like if I wished hard enough, this could be us in our kitchen, him bringing dinner on his way home from work. But, that wish was almost immediately beaten back by the fact that it wasn’t our dishes that I was pulling out of cabinets that also weren’t ours.
I noticed Joel shooting sideways glances at me as I started bringing things to the kitchen table, him following me with the food. His eyes were asking me what he should do next. He looked fearful, and I understood why. He probably thought he knew what I was going to say. I knew he didn’t know because I wasn’t even sure.
Without acknowledging the look on his face, I sat down at the table and gestured to the seat across from me. “One second,” he said, opening the bag and pulling out paper containers of rice and styrofoam containers of orange chicken and beef with broccoli. I had never been a big meat eater but pregnancy had made me crave it. If the baby wanted more iron, she was getting more iron.
Joel sat down and before even serving himself he started talking. “I shouldn’t have stormed off the other day. I don’t get a say in what you do now or who you spend your time with.” He took a deep breath before continuing. “If you have someone you want in your life, a boyfriend, I’ll try to be more respectful of that. I won’t try to pry into your life.”
His expression really was remorseful. I knew it was taking everything in him to promise that, but he’d keep the promise if it killed him.
“Joel, calm down. Eat something. I didn’t ask you over to yell at you.”
“You didn’t?” His expression was confused but hopeful, like a kid who is forgiven for stealing an ice cream bar from the freezer but isn’t really sure why. I raised an eyebrow and he started piling white rice on his plate.
I started to heap rice on my plate as well. “I don’t think I ever told you about the morning Jack and I broke up. I think that everything else that happened that day overshadowed the details of the actual break up.” I let out a dry laugh. “Everything else was you showing up at my front door, finding me an apartment that ended up being our apartment til we found the condo, us having really intense sex, and then you taking me to your house.”
Joel nodded his acknowledgement of the facts, though he still looked mildly confused. He took a big bite of food and chewed for a moment before continuing. “I know you’d found pictures and videos and that sort of thing on his phone, from Logan. After you two broke up, Jack came to tell Tess and I he was gay. The three of us talked about it, then after Jack left, I came to find you.”
“That’s only part of the story.” My gaze moved from Joel’s face to the food in front of me like I couldn’t meet his eye. “The full story is I found it all in his phone in the middle of the night, when Logan texted him. I used his thumb to unlock his phone and found out my boyfriend had been fucking his coworker for months. I obviously couldn’t stay in bed, so I got up and waited for him at the table for what felt like hours.”
“I’m surprised you didn’t wake his ass up to yell at him,” Joel grumbled. He loved his son dearly, even if right now his son hated him, but he was never going to be okay with how Jack and I’s relationship had ended.
“I am too, sort of, but I think I was just dazed. But, by the time he woke up, the initial shock had worn off. I was still at the table, with his phone, but I wasn’t staring blankly at the wall anymore when he stumbled into the kitchen.” I paused for a moment to eat a bit more. “I’ll spare you the details, but I was so angry at him at first, when we first started talking. But, by the end, I was just really fucking hurt. He had lied to me about so much. I had every right to feel incredibly betrayed, right?”
“Yeah, you did.” Joel didn’t sound sure, almost as if he knew the obvious answer was the wrong one.
“But did I? Because I was, if you recall, fucking his father at that point and had been for months. How could I be unforgiving when I was doing that?” I was afraid I’d sound angry, but it came out more regretful, which was closer to the truth.
“You were pretty forgiving, though, in the end.” Joel objected.
“On the surface, sure, because I kind of had to be. It wasn’t fair for me to be mad at him so I pretended I wasn’t hurt by the whole situation. You were so hurt by him being so angry that I didn’t want to add that to everything, including the divorce, so I didn’t say anything then.”
“I would have listened even if I couldn’t help. I mean, we were in the mess together. I’m sorry you felt like you had to deal with that alone.” Joel sounded sad, not accusatory.
I sighed. He was right, but it didn’t matter now. “It was a long time ago and we’ve got bigger problems now. That’s kind of why I wanted you to come over today.”
“What bigger problems?” His eyes shot to my stomach. “Is the baby okay?”
“The baby’s fine. But, we need to make sure she stays fine. And, to be blunt, the level of stress you are causing me is not sustainable. I know you’re trying, and I know you’re working hard, but you need to come up with a plan so that what happened that morning does not happen again.”
Joel took a deep breath in. “I did, I mean, I worked out a plan. I met with my therapist and we talked about what happened.”
I had to admit, I was curious. Joel and I hadn’t really talked about his therapy since he had told me he was going. I just knew he was a guy and Joel seemed hopeful. Now I might get to see if the guy could actually help.
“And what did he say? What’s his name, anyway?”
“His name is Rodney. Good guy. About my age, which is nice. I’m not sure I could talk about stuff with someone a lot younger.”
I laughed. “I get it now. You felt you couldn’t talk to me because I was too young. It all makes sense now!”
Joel looked momentarily confused like he wasn’t sure if he should laugh or try to defend himself. He went with the former and laughed alongside me.
After a pause the grin faded and he continued. “Well, I told him what happened and how I made things really uncomfortable and then stormed out. I told him I made you cry. I don’t think he was too impressed with me, but he didn’t get mad or anything. He even told me that what I was feeling was understandable. He said that it makes sense I’d be upset.”
“Oh, did he?” I liked this guy less by the second.
My expression apparently gave away what I was thinking because Joel rushed on. “He told me that my feelings were okay but that what I did wasn’t fair to you. We talked about how I should have acted better. He didn’t tell me what I should have done, though. He made me work it out myself.”
I nodded, mollified. “So what did you come up with? What did you decide you needed to do differently?”
He looked a bit like he’d been called on in class and was pretty sure he knew the answer but was terrified he was wrong. “Well, the biggest thing was I pushed for information I didn’t deserve to know and upset you. I was selfish and only thought about how I was feeling. When you started crying, I realized I fucked up. But, instead of admitting that, I acted like I was the one who got hurt and stormed off.”
I nodded slowly. “That sounds about accurate.” I eyed him critically. “So what’s the plan now, if you feel the need to essentially harass me for information I don’t want to share?”
Joel winced. “Well, I’m going to try to remember I’m not the only one who is hurting and confused. He and I talked about it. I think I thought that you were mad at me and really hurt but I didn’t really think you were confused. I thought it was just me.”
I had to interject here, pointing my fork at him in annoyance. “Joel! Do you really think I’m not confused? I’m not only confused but I’m terrified. I am growing a human which is exhausting, physically, and trying to reconcile in my mind how I thought this was all supposed to go with how it’s going. I’m getting ready to be a single mom, Joel. I am going to be getting up every two hours for the next few months. By myself.” I glared at him while he looked guilty, as he should.
“I know, but I was being selfish. It wasn’t that I didn’t care,” he rushed to say. “I just thought since I was the one who fucked up, you were smarter than me and could handle everything. I just wasn’t thinking.' He sighed. "In the future I’m going to try to ask myself if what I’m saying or doing is going to help the situation. If it’s not, I’m going to try to keep my mouth shut.”
I looked at him skeptically. “And what do you do if you feel like you can’t keep your mouth shut?”
“Well, hopefully that won’t happen, but if it does, I’m going to try to walk away for a moment to calm down.” He looked a little ashamed of himself. “I’m sorry if that makes me sound weak, but I’d rather sound weak than make you cry again.”
I nodded slowly. “I’ll meet you halfway. If you do need to step back for a minute, I want you to tell me, so I know what’s going on. I won’t get angry, or I’ll try not to.” I paused. “I know that this is a rough time for both of us.”
Joel’s eyes grew wide. “No! I mean, yes, it is, but I don’t want you to think about me. I don’t want you to feel like you have to think about my feelings on top of everything else.”
I poked at the food left on my plate, using my fork to push individual rice grains around. “I get that, and I appreciate it. But,” and I lifted my gaze to look into his eyes. “We’re getting ready to be divorced, Joel, and co-parents. We have to make this work and the only way that’s going to happen is if we do think about how our choices impact the other person. I don’t mean we make decisions based on that, but we should probably at least think about the person who is the other half of our daughter’s life.”
Joel nodded slowly. “You’re right. We want this to be as easy on her as possible. It’s going to be hard enough growing up between two households, eventually, so those two households should probably get along.”
“Two households, both alike in dignity,” I quoted with a laugh.
Joel’s brow furrowed in confusion. “What? Dignity?”
I smiled at him. “Shakespeare. First line of Romeo & Juliet.”
“Ah, it’s been awhile,” he said, nodding. “Well, at least we know she’ll be well-read. I’ll make sure she knows how to ride a bike and build a treehouse.”
“Joel Miller, if you think for one second I’m going to let my daughter climb some tree with a hammer and some nails to build something that will probably fall apart under her, you have another think coming!” I wasn’t really upset, though the idea of the baby inside me one day being big enough to do that was mind-boggling.
Joel grinned. “Fine, what about a playhouse on the ground? I know at least one of us will be living in a house by then, instead of an apartment.”
I had been grinning back at him but now it faded. She’d only have her playhouse half the time. Joel seemed to sense what I had been thinking.
“Hey, it’s okay. We’ll build two. It’ll be fun. One like a fairy princess castle and one like a fortress. It’ll be great.” He grabbed my hand unexpectedly, which surprised me, which might have been why I didn’t pull away.
“It’s going to be okay, alright? We’re going to be good parents. We’re going to make mistakes but we both want what’s best for her and that’s what matters. We also both know that we can be a team even if, you know, other stuff hasn’t worked out at this point. Okay? We can do this.”
I was still looking at our hands when I heard the front door open. It startled both of us, and Joel dropped my hand. We probably both looked flustered when Maria strode into the kitchen and stopped short but recovered quickly.
“Hi Joel! I wasn’t expecting to see you this evening.” She eyed the table. “But you brought food?”
Joel laughed. “Yeah, I brought plenty. I’m going to take some home to Tommy but I’ll leave the rest here, if you ladies want it.”
“Food we don’t have to cook? Of course we do.” Maria paused. “I mean, I don’t cook anyway, but the chef over there deserves a break.” Maria grinned at me, and I smiled back.
“In that case, I’m going to gather up Tommy’s share and head home, if that’s okay?” Joel directed the question to me and I nodded.
“Thank you for coming by, and bringing dinner. I’m glad we agree we’re going to have the best kid ever.” I shot him a smile too, and he smiled back.
“That’s right! Of course we are, with the coolest playhouses on the block.” Joel affirmed.
Maria huffed and we both looked over at her. “Like I’d ever have a niece that wasn’t amazing. Seriously?” She rolled her eyes before she started filling a plate. “It’s like you two don’t know me at all.”
Joel and I looked back at each other and laughed.
And for the first time since New Year’s Day, I felt hopeful.
The lovely @crumbs-from-the-algonquin was working on a soundtrack with me but I dropped the ball so for now I can only offer you two or three songs I listened to on repeat while writing certain scenes. Neither set of lyrics line up with the story but they just...feel like the scenes. Do you know what I mean?
Links will take you to Spotify!
Scene with Reader debating sleeping with Javi: Halsey, "You Should Be Sad"
Both therapy and Reader and Joel talking: Mark Ambor, "Second Best" (if you're a crier...you've been warned, especially if you're feeling just a wee bit sad for Joel at this point) (also, Mark's album Rockwood is one of my favorite albums, probably ever)
As a bonus, this is the song I mostly listened to when I was writing the unreleased smut: Haiden Henderson, "Sweat"
As for timeline - I am hoping to get the next chapter out next Monday at the latest and then THE BABY CHAPTER the following Sunday. Her arrival into the world doesn't go quite as planned but I will tag it as such and I promise everything turns out great. I wouldn't do that to you.
So, it’s basically the smut. I’m not even going to lie. The chapter itself, other than that, has been done for weeks.
I know we’re not supposed to worry about our skill level but, I do.
I’m sort of pissed off about the whole thing. I’m 44. I’ve had sex (more than once, even!) and some of it was good sex and I’ve read a lot of really good smut and for some reason I just freeze. I think I get stressed out about stressing out about it which it makes it even worse!
THEN I get convinced that even if I finish it now no one will want to read it because I took too long.
I’m posting this in the hopes that venting about it, even if no one reads it, helps me clear the fog from my head because I am so fucking excited about how the story moves on from here.
I mean, in chapter after next we get a BABY and she has a NAME and the name MEANS SOMETHING and I hope you think the whole thing is so sweet your eyes well up.
And you’re going to see people from Ruin Me that you may or may not like and I might even update everyone on Luna once I’m sure y’all won’t murder me if she doesn’t die a horrible death. The girl has a backstory and I think you should get to read it.
Anyway, this smut thing has been hanging over my head but hopefully now I’ll feel better and write it and watch it be fine and not have to worry the next time Reader gets some that gets described. Fair warning, it’s not with Javi!
I'm up to 15,000 words on Chapter 6: An Understanding. Current plan is to put this out Sunday then try to resume the once a week schedule. We shall see!
In the meantime, @tateypots tagged me for a WIP so here you go! It's kind of a long one!
“I’m sorry you felt like you had to deal with that alone. I would have listened even if I couldn’t help.” Joel sounded sad, not accusatory.
I sighed. He was right, but it didn’t matter now. “It was a long time ago and we’ve got bigger problems now. That’s kind of why I wanted you to come over today.”
“What bigger problems?” His eyes shot to my stomach. “Is the baby okay?”
“The baby’s fine. But, we need to make sure she stays fine. And, to be blunt, the level of stress you are causing me is not sustainable. I know you’re trying, and I know you’re working hard, but you need to come up with a plan so that what happened that morning does not happen again.”
Joel took a deep breath in. “I did! I mean, I worked out a plan. I met with my therapist and we talked about what happened.”
I had to admit, I was curious. Joel and I hadn’t really talked about his therapy since he had told me he was going. I just knew he was a guy and Joel seemed hopeful. Now I might get to see if the guy could actually help.
“And what did he say? What’s his name, anyway?”
“His name is Rodney. Good guy. About my age, which is nice. I’m not sure I could talk about stuff with someone a lot younger.”
I laughed. “I get it now. You felt you couldn’t talk to me because I was too young. It all makes sense now!”
Joel looked momentarily confused like he wasn’t sure if he should laugh or try to defend himself. He went with the former and laughed alongside me.
After a pause the grin faded and he continued. “Well, I told him what happened and how I made things really uncomfortable and then stormed out. I told him I made you cry. I don’t think he was too impressed with me, but he didn’t get mad or anything. He even told me that what I was feeling was understandable. He said that it makes sense I’d be upset.”
“Oh, did he?” I liked this guy less by the second.
I was going to skip this one because the full chapter (longest one BY FAR) should be out tomorrow but the lovely @followyourfleart tagged me and since she’s the whole reason I joined Tumblr (I’ll tell you all the story some time!) I thought I’d comply. 😉
I was GOING to post more of Reader’s night with Javi but I thought you might enjoy Joel crying more. 😬
But yes, I’m going to try to finish up tomorrow and post.
The Javi scene is more fun to read all at once anyway. 😈
“I guess you’re right. I don’t think I’m better than anyone, or try not to.” Joel paused. “I can still think his pornstache looks really fuckin’ stupid, right?”
Rodney tried to turn a laugh into a cough, but failed. “I think that’s probably okay, as long as you don’t say it where he can hear you. Will you see him again, though? Is there a chance the two of them might become friends?”
Joel’s gaze hit the floor again. He hadn’t said it out loud yet. There hadn’t been a need. He told Tommy he didn’t want to talk about it and thankfully, the other two people who knew hadn’t tried. With a grimace, he realized three other people knew about it.
“Joel?” Rodney sounded concerned. Joel wasn’t always the most forthcoming but he’d never not answered a question.
“It’s okay. I’m okay. Just give me a second.” Joel wasn’t sure what a second would do, really, other than put off the inevitable, but that was enough.
“Okay. Take all the time you need.” He still sounded concerned but Joel knew he wouldn’t press.
A minute or two later he looked up, eyes shiny, but couldn’t meet Rodney’s gaze. He focused back on the diplomas instead.
Hi! I'm not dead! The flu stuck around and I got the added bonus of an inner ear infection (not painful but makes you dizzy). I can't take meds like Sudafed so it's been a rough time recently.
But, as of yesterday I'm mostly better though I am convinced I will never stop coughing. So, I am writing again. I have tried to focus on this chapter but have also worked on other chapters as the ideas struck me so on the upside, that will help the rest of the chapters be on time.
Also, it should make all of you happy that we have Maria and Rodney this chapter, and more Javi in a variety of ways.
Love you all!
As always, please let me know if you would like added to the tag list.
Comments, reblogs, asks, and little heart reacts are appreciated!
Tommy, of course, greeted me with, “Well, you look like a hot mess this morning.”
He looked over at Maria who, instead of agreeing, was shooting him a dirty look. He seemed to be able to read her mind and changed directions. “I mean, you look like you were out all night at a club. One with a lot of people!” He grinned at me, trying to let me know he had my back but before I could figure out how to respond, Joel’s voice cut through my thoughts.
“She doesn’t go to clubs. She doesn’t like crowds and she’s not drinking right now.” I looked over and as I expected, Joel was staring directly at me. I looked away.
“Well, I bet wherever she was, she’s probably hungry, so I’ll take her into the kitchen. You boys stay here.” Maria shot Tommy a look that pretty clearly said, “If you let him come into the kitchen, I will be forced to kill you.”
Maria turned to me, big, fake smile in place. She was trying to kill the tension when she gestured to the bag I was holding. “What do you have there?”
“Oh, just the plastic containers you sent Javi home with.”
The room went silent and I immediately wanted to bite the words back. My eyes shot back to Joel just in time to see him realize the implications of what I had just said.
Hi everyone! I’ve been thinking about hosting a writing event for a while now but I’ve been unsure whether anyone would be interested. But as it’s a brand new year I thought I’d put on my big girl pants and just do it!
So here’s the deal. I’ve been watching a lot of rom coms over the Christmas period and it has sparked a few conversations around how a lot of the behaviour in rom coms would be down right creepy in real life.
So here’s the plan. I’m starting off small as I’m not sure how this is going to go down. There will be a list of 5 P Boys and 5 common rom com tropes. For each pairing there will (hopefully) be two fics, one light and fluffy and one darker, more sinister version. You can pick your P Boy and trope from the lists below and let me know whether you want to write the light story or the darker story (or both if you feel like it)! Or you can leave it in my hands and I can randomly select them for you if you’d like it to be a bit more challenging.
At the end we’ll hopefully have 10 stories which I will reblog and compile into a Masterlist. Each P Boy and trope will only be assigned twice (one light and one dark). If more people want to play I can always add more choices to the lists.
It’s totally up to you if you want to include any smut in your stories, they can be as explicit as you like (including not at all).
If you have any questions or want more details on the tropes then please let me know. I'm setting a preliminary timeline of having fics completed by 28th Feb 2026 however if you need more time please just let me know, I don't want anyone feeling pressured or stressed!
Please tag me when you post the story and use the tag #ppcunaughtyornicechallenge
The fantastic @tateypots has put together this writing challenge for Pedro Universe characters! I have loved trying to flesh Javier out as a character so I grabbed him and "Amnesia (nice)." I already have an idea that I will work on but NOT UNTIL I GET CAUGHT UP ON FIX ME.
While I was gone the lovely @hauntedbymiller decided to leave. This keeps happening.
I don't want to lose contact with people when they leave and I know I'm not the only one.
So, if I made a Discord as a chat community, would you be interested in at least trying it out? I can create it but we'd work as a community to flesh it out.
What say you?
Would you be interested in an off-site chat room (Discord) for fan fiction writers (probably starting with Pedro character writers)?
Yes
No
What's Discord?
Voting ended onJan 3
Lemonade and Good Intentions @lemon-ice-pops - Tumblr Blog | Tumgag
