What is it about these unexpected moments of connection that captivated me so? That almost instantaneous feeling of camaraderie (and even so, this word rings a bit shallow in the very moment of it) that gives you a jolt of hope, of that reckoning that you may be two kindred souls. In the bursts of light, those moments glow and overwhelm rational thoughts. And rightly so, because at the heart of it we yearn to be loved, to be shown affection and to be under the impression that this one person cares specially, that on some visceral level, you matter to another. Even more so when things are fresh and new, when the endless possibilities lay ahead - despite the best interests of your poor, hapless mind trying to drum in reason. In these moments, you think you’re captivated by the person, you’d love nothing more than to run ahead with this sweetness - but I’d like to posit that you were merely taken in by the allure of a concept, the idea of relationship and being in love. It’s easy to fall in love with love, it’s easy to fall in love with companionship, and it’s easy to fall in love with affection and undivided attention. Who doesn’t like happiness, and even more so, who would reject it when what seems like happiness comes knocking? Especially when at the heart of it, you quietly question, in the dead of the night - whether or not you’re worthy to be loved.
So I let the recklessness of it all capture me - take me down roads I’d usually think twice about traversing. I let the beauty of that idea enrapture me so, that never did I once stop to question. There was beauty about living in the moment, something so liberating about falling without abandon, without a care in the world. Almost, without reason.
Yet I forget, that while our heart consistently keeps us alive, beat after beat, it is all at the very same time perfectly unreliable. It believes what it wants, it’d rather pander to temporary euphoria rather than dwell in that quiet lasting joy, and it yearns (hard, unrelentingly) for human connection - whatever form it may take. What it forgets, is that the heady rush of lust and feel good fades away with time, surface perceptions of being so similar rings hollow, and all those nights of banter weren’t that deep after all. You know how fireworks burn brightest at its initial spark? That’s the way with these things - it starts out all dazzling, grabs your attention, and in that moment, fills you with irrational wonder that makes you forget yourself. But just as the fireworks come to an end, these intoxicating moments are but fleeting. As fast as they captivated, they lose their lustre without as much as a fanfare.
And truth is, in our very impatience to be loved and the desire for human connection, we too often miss the point. Because the very core of a companionship is a slow burn, not the fireworks that temporarily dazzle and take your breath away. It is that quiet presence that stems from friendship, littering the mundane day to day. The little glimmers of light that suddenly makes the dark world just a little brighter, but that we don’t actually need (don’t get me wrong, I do think that when all the stars align, it is still a moment to behold). True companionship though, comes with conscious decision, a brewing of the considerations of life accompanied by the gradual reckoning of the psyche of another.
Despite it all, love is still magic - not the transitory moments of wonder, but the everyday magic that get you through life, when you least expect it; the comfort of a hearty bowl of pumpkin soup in the dead of winter.
It is like wine, that gets better with time and makes all the in betweens worth it. It isn’t the roaring bonfire that crackles and hiss, but the glowing embers that keeps you just warm enough - through the night.
Because love is not the romantic big ideas our hearts like to be swept away by, it is that slow but sure recognition of choosing to put another above yourself - not at all cost and with abandon - because of whom you’ve truly known them to be, rather than all these illusory perceptions.
turnnoffyourmind
prguitarman
theartofmadeline
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