When life gives you...

Lemon La Bouff. "Nobody has ever measured, not even poets, how much the heart can hold"

[joancallamezzo]

everyone loves you!

[lemonlabouff]

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Magnolia: We don't have to drink them! We can just use them as props and then gift them to people. Does Carter like PSLs? I don't have clothes for that either, DUH, but it wouldn't be that hard to shop for it. Our regular clothes are WAY cuter though, I could never be mad at that. I need to buy some more tights first though. It's almost too cold for my dresses to be "appropriate" anymore.

Lemon: They smell like the grossest kind of soap though! If we're just going to use them as props can't we actually get something GOOD and pretend we're PSL drinkers? I know they wouldn't be that hard to shop for but I'd rather drink FIVE psls than wear one of those horrid little infinity scarves. What color tights are you going to get? Should we match color schemes?

[lemonlabouff]

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Fraser: Yes, a very elegant and beautiful *corpse*.

Fraser: Marie Antoinette is too you to pass up, and Elaine and a Fembot are both incrediblly hot looks, and Ever After is a classic, so those are my votes. My top five are Prince Akeem from Coming to America, Oberyn Martell from Game of Thrones, Captain Phillip Hoffman from The Nutcracker and the Four Realms, and two different T'Challa looks -- his classic battle suit and his formalwear at the end of Black Panther. I'm obsessed with both options so it's tricky.

Lemon: I'd much rather look beautiful and elegant than just *alive*!

Lemon: Very true and noted! Just cut one of the T'challa looks out? Maybe the battle suit since EVERYONE does the most obvious one when they do hero costumes and you wouldn't want to match anyone else?

[lemonlabouff]

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Magnolia: Love it! If we're doing this though, we're doing it right, which means we HAVE to get some pumpkin spice lattes to pose with. As for outfits, were you thinking like Christian Girl Autumn levels of basic?

Lemon: That would be so perfect for the vibe but 🤢 ew. I was NOT thinking Christian Girl Autumn. I don’t even have clothes that would suit THAT. I was thinking just our regular clothes would be just perfect?

[lemonlabouff]

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Fraser: Coming from someone who could easily be mistaken for a Victorian ghost? Please.

Fraser: In all seriousness though, I'm not wearing a mask at all this Halloween season. I'd never want to hide this face and all my costume ideas work without one. I need to narrow down my top five ideas to a top four. Do you know what you're going to be yet?

Lemon: At least it’s a victorian ghost. They were very elegant and beautiful back then, thank you 😌

Lemon: Really? What are your top five? I can’t decide between Marie Antoinette, An Austin Powers Fembot, Elaine from the Love Witch, Séverine from Belle de Jour and Danielle from Ever After, so i’ll probably have to come up with some way to do them all.

[lemonlabouff]

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Lemon: [insert mean joke here about how you don’t need a mask for halloween because you’re scary looking enough on your own]

[lemonlabouff]

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Lemon: What if we were like ✨ ironically✨ basic this year and went to a pumpkin patch and took a bunch of cute pics for instaroyal???

[lemonlabouff]

TEXT🧊 FREMON

Fraser: Wow. From the king of good hair, I've got to say, your hair is looking really good, top tier, good job. You could never pull an Emily Dickinson. You're a better writer than her and you look way too good in too many colors to commit to a pure white aesthetic.

Fraser: (I think what we've really learned here is that your insults could use some work. Or maybe it's just hard for you to insult me in particular because of how great I am, we need to find you an easier target. No, you're not! You're determined to hate on me, that's not biased!) I didn't think that that elaborating another person needs to ACTUALLY think he's a good prince and not just have a crush on him needed to be said. I know it's not his fault that he's born what he was, I'm just saying that if he's doing anything good with that position nobody but you seems to care or notice. SHOULD I HAVE NOT CALLED IT HOT AND JUST SILENTLY SAT THERE SOAKING IN THE FACT THAT IT TURNED ME ON? I'D RATHER CALL IT OUT, I REALLY THOUGHT THAT'D AVOID AWKWARDNESS. I'M NOT WEIRD, LEMONADE MOUTH, YOU'RE THE WEIRD ONE! YOU DO? THEN TELL ME. WHAT HAPPENS IN THE BEDROOM? I'M DYING TO KNOW ABOUT WHAT YOU'VE GLEANED FROM THE INTERNET AND CABLE.

Fraser: No, no, no. You're not allowed to be sick! You're the best man/the maid of honor!

Lemon:Thank you! Ikr!! Omg pls. That’s so blasphemous! Emily Dickinson is amazing! I could never write anything as succinctly as she does. But you are right about me not being able to pull off an all white aesthetic. I might be able to pull off an all pink one maybe?

Lemon: (I think what we’ve really learned here is that you’re so awful I can’t even insult you correctly because it’s just SO off putting that my brain gets scrambled! Thus an easier target than you would be such a low bar that it’s not even worth it. YES I AM! I’m not hating on you! I’m hating on your kissing, that’s different!) Well that was your mistake and i’m choosing to ignore it. Anyway Carter and Clarissa would probably say Romeo too or at least top two since Liam is so nice 🤔 HOW WOULD YOU TELLING ME WHAT TURN YOU ON BE LESS AWKWARD THAN YOU SOAKING IN YOUR AROUSAL ALONE! IF I DID THAT YOU’D SEE HOW AWKWARD IT IS SO FAST! SEX HAPPENS IN THE BEDROOM. DUH.

Lemon: 🤮 QUIT IT!

[lemonlabouff]

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Magnolia: LOL sure, tell him whatever you want, but why? What weird stuff do YOU think he'd be into? 👀 lmao baby girl, it's not that deep. He's not not hot, we were at the same party, I wanted to have sex in a hot tub, and he was there. So what?

Lemon: Because spite. I don’t KNOW what weird stuff he’d be into! But like it’s Fraser so he’d probably idk do pretentious stuff like pick a playlist but then stop every time the song changes to describe it like Patrick Bateman or have sex with the lights on so he could like “see everything” or something freaky liek that. And he’s bossy, so I’d bet anything that it carries over into the bedroom! It is too that deep! It’s Fraser, what were you gonna do after? Drop him like one of your other conquests even tho he’d still be around WAAAY more than they ever are?? Also do you know how many germs are in hot tubs?

[lemonlabouff]

TEXT🧊 FREMON

Fraser: Send a picture. YEAH BUT AT LEAST WE'RE HERE NOW. I guess. Public perception is a pretty big thing though and if no one ever assumes we fucked in a closet again, it'd have been worth it, I guess. I didn't like people thinking I was a closet-fucker either.

Fraser: (Did you miss the part where that fairy tale leads to true love and happily ever after? I've kissed people more often than you've been kissed by me so I'm still the resident expert on my own kisses, thanks!) You definitely keep things interesting. And I can't deny your talent but I'm a difficult man to impress, it's not your fault. I don't think the girl he's dating counts as an unbiased opinion though. If Auradon took a poll of best princes in all the land, I'd bet Romeo wouldn't even make it into the top ten. YOU BROUGHT UP BEING A SCREAMER OR WHATEVER IN THE FIRST PLACE, THAT'S WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT! I'M NOT WEIRD BUT EVEN IF I WAS, I DON'T THINK YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT "WEIRD IN BED" MEANS! YOU'VE BARELY EVEN KISSED ANYONE SO I'M SURE YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT EVEN SHOULD HAPPEN IN THE BEDROOM! I wouldn't know but it does sound rough. We should thank them all for their services. Okay, sure, whatever you say.

Fraser: Oh no, don't say that! If you hate me, then how am I supposed to invite you to mine and Magnolia's wedding?

Lemon: Sent it on zapchat!! I GUESS!!! i’m so tired of talking about public perception, I’m this 👌🏻 close to pulling an Emily Dickinson and living the rest of my life as a beautiful recluse writing hundreds of great works that will only be found by my siblings post mortem!

Lemon: (No, ofc not. But that’s not relevant to me insulting you so shut up! I’m less biased than you and the people you’ve kissed so I’m still right.) I know it’s not MY fault that you suck. You didn’t say anything about another person needing an unbiased opinion! That’s because they’d probably give it to all the princes that are higher up in the ranks than he is! It’s not HIS fault that he’s the second born child of a second born prince! I BROUGHT IT UP BECAUSE IT WAS BROUGHT UP TO ME! AND THEN YOU CALLED IT HOT WHICH STARTED THIS SPIRAL! YOU ARE TOO WEIRD AND I’M NOT AN IDIOT, STRAWBERRIES FOR BRAINS. I HAVE THE INTERNET AND I HAVE CABLE! I KNOW WHATS SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN IN THE BEDROOM! 🙄

Lemon: 🤢🤢🤢

[lemonlabouff]

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Magnolia: As a ✨sexpert✨ I think he'd be a pretty good time, if a little boring. I'd guess boring over weird tbh, because I can't really picture him being too far off from vanilla but then again, sometimes it's the ones you least expect. Why? And lmao if I have to tell you EVERY GUY I've ever tried to have hot tub sex with, we'd literally never talk about anything else! And anyway, he said no. If I'd gotten to hook up with him, BELIEVE ME, I would've texted you about it probably as it was happening.

Lemon: Ugh okay. We were arguing and I thought you’d agree with me but whatever, I’m gonna tell him you did anyway. Not EVERY GUY but at least the friend guys that I didn’t even know wyou were attracted to like that!!! Ewww!

[lemonlabouff]

TEXT🧊 FREMON

Fraser: I'll be constantly impressed by you whenever you start being constantly impressive, my friend. AND? PEOPLE ASSUME DUMB, DUMBER, AND DUMBEST THINGS! Don't be sad, you get to talk to me again, you should be ecstaic.

Fraser: (It'd be like a damn fairy tale, a second kiss! And I'd bet my life savings on that! But eh, it's not as if we're ever going to get a chance to find out which of us would be right, so let's just assume I'd be.) I did ask, and you made me immediately regret asking, what a talent you have! Has any other person ever told you that they think Romeo is the best prince ever? Because I've never heard anyone but you really talk about him much at all. I'M NOT BEING A PERV! YOU BROUGHT UP YOURSELF IN A SEXUAL SITUATION AND STARTED ASKING QUESTIONS ABOUT IT, I'M A MAN AND MY MIND WANDERS! I'M NOT WEIRD! WEIRDLY AMAZING, MAYBE, BUT I'M A VERY SOLID LOVER! Thank you, your sweet, sweet condolences are the only things that get me through my long and dreary Lemon-less days. And I love you as well, Líomóid, so I'll let you pretend what I say doesn't matter to you as much as it does.

Fraser: Actually... the more we're talking about her... the more I think Magnolia may just be everything I've ever been looking for? I cannot fathom why just a moment ago the very notion struck me as gross when now she's all I can think about. I can't believe she's never struck me as an option before. I think all I needed was someone as wise as you bringing her up in that context to really break through my preconceived notions and show me the light. Please, if you ever set me up with anyone, let it be her or no one. Let it be Magnolia or let me die alone.

Lemon: I am constantly impressive! Did you see my hair today? AMAZING! AND I DON’T KNOW! IT WAS A BAD IDEA, I ADMIT IT!!! I know but I hurt both of us over a bad idea based on someone else’s bad faith assumptions about our friendship, that’s a sad thing!!

Lemon: (Yeah, like my Auntie Tia’s fairy tale where she turned into a FROG after! Because I KNOW how bad your kissing is, I think we should assume I’M right.) What can I say, I’m an incredibly talented girl. The fact that you aren’t awed daily is a problem. No, but I’m sure other people think so too! Margo must otherwise that would be so awkward?? I DIDNT BRING UP HER BEING TURNED ON BY ME! YOU DID! AND THEN YOU MADE IT WEIRD! BECAUSE YOU ARE WEIRD AND YOU’RE PROBABLY SO WEIRD IN BED AND I’M GOING TO ASK MAGNOLIA IF SHE THINKS YOU’D BE WEIRD TOO! I’m so glad to hear that! Being a loser must be such a hard job and it would be wrong of me to overlook your service. Because without losers how could we know who’s truly cool? It doesn’t!!!!

Lemon: I hate you so much.

[lemonlabouff]

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Lemon: As a sexpert, how would you guess Fraser would be in bed? Weird right? I have to know to prove a point also WHY was I not informed when you offered to have sex with him IN A HOT TUB?

[lemonlabouff]

TEXT🧊 FREMON

Fraser: "Frequently"? I don't know what disappoints me more, that my advice for you is apparently so frequent or that despite its frequency you've yet to take it to heart. THE FUCKING IN THE CLOSET IS OUT OF THE QUESTION FOR US TOO BUT WASN'T THE WHOLE POINT PUBLIC PERCEPTION?! It did irreperable damage, I'll never be right again. I could've guessed but it's nice to know, too.

Fraser: (Yeah, after crying for like five minutes and downing a hearty sip of bourbon in a closet with tons of people outside the door, not exactly the prime real estate for kissing that you'd think it is. I bet it would! I bet you'd be dazed and damn near blown away!) I'll give him those first two, even if I think "wonderful" is kind of generous for just following trends and knowing a sport, but elaborate on the third. What does he do to be considered the "absolute best prince in all of Auradon" by absolutely nobody else but you? And, again, I'm going to let that one slide because they say love is blind and infatuation is just downright stupid, but don't push it. IS SHE USUALLY HALF-TURNED ON BY YOU THOUGH? BECAUSE CONGRATULATIONS, THAT'S A HOT IMAGE TOO, JEEZ. HOW DARE YOU. I'M SPECTACULAR IN THE BEDROOM! A TRUE SPECIMEN! I know, I barely get a chance to see you with how impacted your schedule is, trying to get them all in there. IT'S HARD NOT TO NOTICE THINGS ABOUT YOU WHEN THEY'RE ALL SO AGGRESSIVELY IN YOUR FACE! Please, you care way too much about what I say. It's an incredibly endearing trait of yours.

Fraser: I'm sorry I don't have more scandalous reasons not to want to date Magnolia. I can make up something if you want, something about how I saw her peel off her face once and there was just a deep void underneath and so since then I've been terrified of the woman, but the truth is just that her flakiness and inability to commit to anything is hugely unattractive and the idea of her being the person I talk the most to for the rest of my life is already driving me up the way and not in the fun way. 1) You feeling left out does sound kind of fun. I'd love to see what lengths you'd go to in order to feel included. But alas, 2) I agree with you, it'd be gross.

Lemon: Neither I’m perfect and you should be constantly impressed by me and my refusal to listen to dumb advice! YEAH BUT ME GHOSTING YOU AFTER THAT WOULD BE EVEN DUMBER!!! Oh no, now i’m sad again. 😥

Lemon: (Well even though it doesn’t count, it’s my only kiss so it sounds correct to me! I bet it would not! It would probably be so bad and so gross that I wouldn’t ever want to be kissed again!) It’s not generous! You asked what he was wonderful at and he IS wonderful at those things. Other people consider him that, I’m SURE! But he’s good, kind and amazing at representing the people of Maldonia in a way that makes him a metaphorical king amongst princes! 🙄🙄🙄 NO! DON’T BE A PERV! A TRUE SCIENTIFIC SPECIMEN IN WEIRDNESS MAYBE IF YOUR KISSES ARE ANY INDICATION! It really must be so hard for you, my condolences always 💐 I’D BET!!!!! No I don’t. I only seeeem like I do because I love you and don’t want your widdle feelings to be hurt because i’m nice like that!

Lemon: FINE! What is your type though OUTSIDE of not like Magnolia!? If I ever want to set you up with someone, I should know what kind of girl to keep an eye out for! 1) Simple. I’d just try to break you both up in a way that won’t make me have to pick sides. Duh! 2) You’d better.

[lemonlabouff]

TEXT🧊 FREMON

Fraser: Has anyone ever kindly suggested to you that your priorities are insanely whack? A LOT OF PEOPLE CHANGE THEIR RELATIONSHIPS TO THEIR FRIENDS AFTER KISSING OR WHATEVER, IT WOULDN'T BE OUT OF THE QUESTION. Just don't do it again. My life gets boring without you.

Fraser: (Well, anyone would think a kiss was an ew kiss if they were just crying, that's not fair! Circumstances were stacked against me! Given an even playing field, you'd be daydreaming about doing it again.) YOU'RE RIGHT, HE'S NOT A SPADE, HE'S A GARBAGE PERESON. I know you love him but even you can't seriously think he's wonderful. Name three things he's "wonderful" at. I'm going to let that comment pass because you're obsessed with him but you're so wrong. GOOD, I'M SURE THAT'LL BE MUCH LESS AWKWARD FOR YOU ESPECIALLY SINCE SPECULATING YOUR SEXUAL NATURE WON'T ACCIDENTALLY TURN HER ON. AND HEY NOW, NO SPECULATING ABOUT ME IN THE BEDROOM! THAT'S CROSSING A LINE! Yeah, they must be, that's why you have sooooooooooo many. ME, SARCASTIC? WITH YOU? NEVER! I MEAN IT WHEN I SAY YOU'RE AS GENTLE AS AN EYELASH KISS, AS SOFT AS A FEATHER GENTLY LANDING ON YOUR NOSE! If he does, I'll take back everything I've said about him, so there's that to look forward to.

Fraser: You asked me why NOT Magnolia and now I'm getting flack for explaining in detail why not Magnolia! You're unbelievable, you know that? If I didn't know better, I'd think you were trying to reverse psychology me into trying to date her.

Lemon: Yes, frequently! I’m working on it! IT’S OUT OF THE QUESTION FOR /US/ SO I WASN’T THINKING ABOUT IT!!! I won’t! I cannot being to imagine the damage it must’ve done to deprive you of my je ne sais quoi for as long as I did! Also I was so bored without you too.

Lemon: (It’s not like I didn’t ask you to kiss me! So the crying wasn’t THAT relevant to me not being impressed by what you call a kiss. So even on an “even” playing field, I bet I wouldn’t!) NO HE’S NOT!!!!!!! He’s wonderful at styling himself, rowing, and being the absolute best prince in all of Auradon! I am not wrong. You’re fantastique ofc, but he’s….EVERYTHING. IT WON’T BE!! ALSO SHE’S LIKE ALWAYS HALF TURNED ON, IT’S HER WHOLE THING! WELL I’M GONNA CROSS IT OUT OF PURE SPITE! I BET YOU’RE WEIRD IN THERE!! I do have a lot of friends, blaireau!!! I REALLY AM! I’M GLAD YOU’VE NOTICED!!!!! I’ll definitely care more about the fact that I’ll have finally landed the love of my life than about what YOU have to say about him, but ok!

Lemon: I KNOW WHAT I SAID! BUT IT WAS SO MEH! Also as if. 1) I’d feel left out and 2) I think it would be gross!

[lemonlabouff]

TEXT🧊 FREMON

Fraser: I was merely matching the energy of someone rudely ignoring my question. Are you kidding me? TONS of people ice out people they just had sex with, it's literally a phenomenon known as "ghosting"! It happens every day, and if people think you're the kind to fuck in a closet then they definitely wouldn't think you're above ghosting. And in the meantime it just made us miss each other so maybe it wasn't the best plan you've ever had.

Fraser: (Just because there's something wrong with you at a chemical level where you don't react to my kisses the way you should is no reason to say 'ew' about it!) I'M THE TYPE TO CALL A SPADE A SPADE, YA DOATY DOBBER! I WON'T CALL HIM A GARBAGE PERSON ONCE HE STOPS BEING ONE. I've met lots of people as a family or as a unit and still manage to avoid directly comparing them to each other, especially to their faces, but maybe I'm just better than Romeo and that's why. I DON'T KNOW BUT CAN WE STOP TALKING ABOUT WHAT YOU'D BE LIKE SEXUALLY? THANKS. It's very strange, as if anyone who could stand to befriend you would be normal. NO, OF COURSE NOT!!! Will he? Will he really? When?

Fraser: I know you might not be able to relate but some of us want somebody who actually shows signs that they could like us back. I'm not into girls that are uninterested in potential relationships. I mean, yeah, I'm having fun for now but I want to be serious with someone someday, and when I am, whoever I'm serious with will be the Lady of my clan -- can you picture Magnolia doing a job like that? Because I can't. There's a difference between the kinds of girls who proposition you and the kind of girls who flirt with you and I'd rather pay attention to the latter category. Plus, if we're getting really nitpicky, she's not exactly what I'd call an intellectual and I require stimulating conversation to stay sane. That good enough for you?

Lemon: I wasn’t rudely ignoring your question, I was focusing on you being annoying! OKAY I KNOW! BUT WHO GHOSTS THEIR BEST FRIENDS? NO ONE! …PROBABLY! And yeah, wasn’t my best but it also wasn’t my worst either, so 🤷🏼‍♀️

Lemon: (It is NOT my fault that I think you’re an ew kisser! You’re just an ew kisser!) I SPADE ISN’T A SPADE! He’s wonderful and I love him!!! Okay maybe you’re better at not comparing family members and I love that about you lots! But pls, You’re not better than /Romeo/ 🤣 FINE, I’LL TALK ABOUT IT WITH MAGNOLIA INSTEAD. AND WE’RE GONNA SPECULATE WHAT YOU’RE LIKE SEXUALLY. I know right? My standards for male friends are clearly nonexistent. I DON’T APPRECIATE THE SARCASM I’M REALLY NOT!!! I’M GENTLE!!! He will! He really will!! Someday!!!

Lemon: That was not good enough for me. That was just LONG FORM Not Magnolia! Do better!

[lemonlabouff]

TEXT🧊 FREMON

Fraser: I'm not being "rude", I'm just GUESSING since you haven't told me why yet!

Fraser: (I don't know, girls I go on a date or two with? I don't do it often but when it happens, they're always left wanting more, so maybe they're not okay since I'm denying them more Fraser.) YOU ASKED, what was I supposed to say besides the truth? I've never compared you to Clarissa, or Carter for that matter. I don't see the point in that sort of thing, and if you didn't compare yourself to her, maybe that'd set the tone and people would get the hint to quit that too. I'D BE INSULTED. Yeah, because "so much nicer" is totally my jam. OKAY SURE YOU'VE CONVINCED ME!!!! How long have you been waiting for him to get over it? Seriously, Lemon. At some point you've got to realize that it isn't something blinding him, it's just HIM

Fraser: I also said she was drunk, and that's not fit for the bedroom or anywhere else. Jeez, I don't know, Lemon. Can't we just say my type is "not Magnolia" and end there?

Lemon: You guessed rudely! Anyways I was just DISTANCING us so no one else thought we were doing anything inappropriate in the closet! No one ices out people they just had sex with! Like I regret it because I did miss you a lot but no one’s talking about it anymore so I win.

Lemon: (Ew.) I DON’T KNOW! SOMETHING ELSE, IMBÉCILE! That’s because you’ve always been /my/ best friend first, you weren’t immediately exposed to us all as a trio or even just me and Carter as The Twins since he wasn’t in our class the year we met, so it doesn’t count! I AM! WHY DIDN’T HE TAKE ME FOR A SCREAMER! HE THINKS I’M TOO LOUD ANYWAY EVEN OVER TEXTS! I’M SURE I’D BE TOO LOUD SEXUALLY, I’D HAVE FUN!! I knoow, some times I expect you to be a normal kind person, it’s so weird. THAT SHOULD HAVE BECAUSE I’M NOT AGGRESSIVE!!! I’ve been waiting forever but like SO? Even if it is him and not just blindness. Love changes people all the time and I love him more than anything! He’ll see the facts eventually, I’m sure.

Lemon: I got distracted by the horrors of her propositioning you and completely missed the word drunk. Nooo now I’m extremely curious! What about Magnolia makes her not your type!