Here We Go Again || Lena [self]
“Get her up to the PACU and run vitals every fifteen minutes, page me to any change and as soon as she wakes up,” Lena says to the resident. She’s on a surgical high, she’d just saved a third patient that day from incoming traumas. God, she loves this high. “Yes Dr. Larson,” The resident nods, heading off with the patient.
Surgical high, there was nothing like it. Stepping out into the scrub room, she peels her gloves and gown off, tossing them in the biohazard bin and turning to the sink and jumping. “Chief Bailey, I didn’t see you there,” She laughs a little, turning the sink on. “Was I holding up the OR, or do you need me for another surgery?” She asks, beginning to scrub.
“Dr. Larson, we need to talk in my office,” Bailey says.
“Oh?” Lena says, rinsing her hands and grabbing a towel, turning to the other woman again. “Ok, can I come to you after I check on my patients?” She asks, needing to check on the two from before this one.
“No, Doctor...Lena, it’s important.”
Lena pauses, staring at the other woman. Bailey seldom uses first names. She can count on one hand, with fingers to spare, the amount of times Bailey had called her Lena. “Ok,” She says. There’s a feeling. Was she about to be fired? She couldn’t be, she had a contract. Was she being sued? Had she done something wrong? She doesn’t know, but she has a feeling that everything is about to change. She’s running through the past months in her head, every surgery, every patient. as she follows Bailey through the halls to her office. The Chief closes the door after they enter, and gestures to the sofa.
“Sit, please,” Bailey says, and reluctantly, Lena does, sinking to the edge of the sofa. Bailey sits beside her, and again that strikes Lena as odd.
“Lena, this afternoon I got a call from Dr. Hannah Bliss, in Sydney.”
“Ok...” Lena says, the name familiar. Hannah Bliss, the woman Clay and Chris spoke about. She’d even met her when she’d been there.
“Clay and Chris, they were going to an island to meet another doctor and see some patients.”
“Yea, and then they’re going back to Sydney for a few days before flying home,” Lena says, smiling at the thought.
“They never made it to the island, Lena. Dr. Bliss...she told me that the plane suffered catastrophic engine failure. There was a huge fire and they went down. There were no survivors,” Bailey says. “I know you and Clay were...together,” Bailey says, “And I thought I should be the one to tell you.”
Lena sits, stares at the chief. Her jaw is tight, head swimming. She opens her mouth and closes it for a moment. “Cad?” She asks, slipping to her native tongue. What? “Níl, ní féidir sin a dhéanamh.” No, that’s not possible. Because it can’t be, it just can’t be.
“Lena, I’m sorry, I don’t understand,” Bailey says gentley.
“Sorry,” Lena whispers, shaking her head. “No, no...that can’t be, that’s not possible,” She says. “I hate flying, but statistically it’s the safest way to travel. There’s...there’s no way, that can’t be,” Lena denies.
“I’m sorry, Lena, but it is,” Bailey says gently. “The pilot, Chris, Clay...all three of them died in the fire. I’m so sorry, but...they’re gone. He’s gone.”
“Where’s my mommy?” She’s four, speaking in Gaelic to the nurse at the hospital. She was smart, and the way they were all acting, she knew something was wrong, something was different. There’s a woman hovering behind the nurse, she steps in when the nurse looks to her for help.
“Hi Lena, my name is Siobhan. Can I sit with you?” She nods, braids moving up and down as her head does. “Thank you. When your mommy went into the water, she couldn’t breathe. She spent too much time unable to breathe, and that and the cold temperature of the water caused some issues with her heart. I’m so sorry, Lena, but she didn’t survive. Your mommy has died.”
Her bottom lip quivers, she doesn’t quite understand. “I want my mommy,” She whimpers.
“I’m so sorry, Lena, but she’s gone.”
Bailey’s voice cuts through her memory, bringing her back to the present.
“Sorry, I...I don’t...I can’t...” Lena says, suddenly overwhelmed. He can’t be gone, she loved him. She needed him. And yet, that was all the reason the world needed for him to be gone. Anytime she loved anyone, the word had to take that person away. It feels so hard to breathe, and she knows that the pain, the pain that she feels so deep inside of her is trying to force its way out, and she knows she can’t do that here. Because once it starts, she’s not sure when it will stop. Because she can’t let that happen here, in front of her boss. She’s a Larson. She has to be put together. She can’t let Bailey see her break. “I have to go.” She finally says, a whisper. Her voice is hoarse with the pressure of holding it all in. “Thank you for telling me,” Lena whispers.
“Lena, you can stay here,” Bailey says, but she shakes her head.
“No, no...I need to go. I um, I have patients, could you...could you get someone to take care of them? I need to go. I can’t...I can’t be here, Dr. Bailey. I need to go. Please,” She says, voice cracking.
“Of course. I’ll make sure they’re taken care of...take all the time that you need. Let me drive you home, at least,” She says, but Lena shakes her head.
“I’ll be fine. Thanks,” She says, and stands up from the sofa. She leaves the room, and waits until she’s out of sight of Bailey’s office, and then takes off at a run. She runs down the stairs, to the lobby, out the doors, and across the street, glad she was in surgery and therefore sneakers instead of heels. She runs to the Archfield, and stops for a new copy of her key, realizing that all her stuff was in her office. Once she’s in her room, it starts, as she slams the door and backs up against it. Oisin is happy to see her, his tail wagging, but it stops as she lets out a cry that sounds like a dying animal and sinks to the ground. He’s concerned, whines, and she wraps her arms around him as she sobs.
There's a reason I said I'd be happy alone. It wasn't 'cause I thought I'd be happy alone. It was because I thought if I loved someone and then it fell apart, I might not make it. It's easier to be alone, because what if you learn that you need love and you don't have it? What if you like it and lean on it? What if you shape your life around it and then it falls apart? Can you even survive that kind of pain? Losing love is like organ damage. It's like dying. The only difference is death ends. This? It could go on forever.
