Leonie Lashes Out

I am not afraid of what may kill me, but instead afraid of what won't despite my efforts.

[leonielives]

Expository Paragraph

Leonie, within ‘Sing, Unburied, Sing’ has a lot of rage and anger swelling inside her that comes out in quick bursts. Within her blog as well she goes from the sad current to the past in moments of reflection. She did want to help people at some point and improve upon herself. This is seen in her recurring dream about everyone drowning and not being able to save them all. I tried to represent that with her posts about the regret she feels about how she treated Jojo because she’s a very cold and non-emotional person towards her children, but when in her perspective the reader gets a lot more realness and humanity to the seemingly heartless mother. The pictures she shares are a representative of her thoughts and how she relates to the words within them and their sadness. She even explains her own connections as I feel she would normally as this would not be seen by anyone she knows. It’s her own way to vent and feel free. Her blog is dark in theme and ideas and she uses memes with pictures in them to reflect serious themes as she never wants to face her own demons directly throughout the novel. She always has something to blame or someone better to focus on such as Micheal. I also tried to represent her love for Micheal in the truly dependent state it’s at by the end of the book. She needs him to be her rock and keep her standing when she’s shaky. As well as her need to be loved and appreciated by everyone that comes her way. She’ll treat Big Joseph with respect even though he’ll never respect her because she still wants a shot with him.  Her violent thoughts were also repeatedly mentioned and brought up. so I tried to get behind the reasoning in them and how mams death and not being needed by Jojo truly affected her. I think by the end of the book she’s a broken shell of person who relies on drugs and this blog is a way of showing her path of self-destruction. She is self-aware enough to realize it but not enough to stop it. 

[killitbabe]

[tank-girll-deactivated20191211]

[slowbriety]

[leonielives]

All seemed so simple to start. I’d do it with Micheal. Then a spiral. A step off the right road sent me down a wrong path for what feels like years.

[haleyincarnate]

Poem by Yung Pueblo (@yungpueblo)

[poetry-recovery]

Mood.

This is @incendaverys work. Give them a follow if you like this content! ❤️

[leonielives]

I take a break and my label becomes lazy mother. Unfixable. Not mature. Never growing. I am so much more than what they think of me, and yet I let it drags me down to the darkest depths of my sadness.

[leonielives]

My Mouth Should Be Zipped Shut

If I could tell my son, Jojo, or any kid growin’ up anything, I’d tell them to be careful with their words.

They come out slow and then they overflow and take over your life. You’re surrounded by points you barely stand by and forced to support them.

All the things I’ve said to my kids. All those regrettable syllables and pauses. They stick in their mind as if I coated my words in honey.

Dripping out of my lips and directly into their ears and seeping into their brains.

I can’t make it up to them at the moment. In my state.

Don’t do drugs either, but man the road gets tough. I can’t tell ‘ya not to do them while they’re right in front of my eyes.

So I’d tell anyone reading this to think twice. Or more. Thrice. As many darn times as it takes to know what you’re saying is right.

It won’t haunt you into your dreams as you try to breathe in the scent of your lover. 

No one warned /me/ words were so impactful and dangerous if in the wrong hands.

They should’a and then glued my trapper shut.

Spare your impulsive thoughts and you’ll spare feelings. Running through words like they don’t mean nothing is no way to properly live a life.

[leonielives]

Dreams Lacking the Light of Day

I want to run away. 

Forever.

Never see any face of the past besides his.

Do anything to make him happy. I do this and I can live in my own utopia and wonderland. Full of discovery, peace, and the euphoria only something synthetic can give you.

All I need to do is give fully into the darkness

But on my own, what I wish in silently protest, I wanna be like my mama.

A healer. A helper. When she told me it was too late, I was crushed. Felt all too real.

I still believe. Just need to find someone else like her. Learn from them and win back my pa’s and Jojo’s approval that some twisted part of me must still seek.,

Jojo may not need me, but I still need him. And Kayla. My baby. 

And if I could become her, a radiant example of beauty and grace, I’d have something worthwhile.

[leonielives]

Positives In the Face of Negativity

aI love a lot even if negative thoughts overwhelm the subconscious

The first thing that even pops into my mind when it crosses my thoughts is Micheal. Though that’s a storm I refuse to bare on a sober mind.

 His issues overtake mine and make me a puppet when I let them.

My interests are what folks never ask ‘bout.

Color; Navy blue. The color of sadness on a cold Sunday. The ocean and it’s unforgiving face. The color of my mama’s jacket as she took me to the park when I was young; carefree as we picked different plants for remedies. 

Food; Peanut butter and jelly. Takes me back to my childhood. The taste of sugar rotting out my teeth and mind as I could look into my pop’s eyes and find only love filling them. 

My favorite object in the whole world is the dark green jacket Given owned before he passed on. Not surprisingly it reminds me of him. I hold it close to my chest and in a sense he’s still there hugging me. I took it when I left the kids. But with Micheal I don’t need it as much.

Music surrounds my soul and fills it. For songs I can’t exactly pick one. I have so many just that bring me back. Though; here are a few notable mentions

Elle King - I told you I was mean - The attitude fits how I try to act. Mean despite the pain that swells every time I am. Part of me wants to be a good mother while the other wants to tear my kids to shreds. Conflicting and confusing? Yeah I know.

Paul Anka - Put your head on my shoulders - The first song my fella and I danced to alone and in peace. We ruled the world that day.

Bernadette Carol - Laughing on The Outside - A general explanation of my ‘Stonewall Jackson’ persona. If I don’t look hurt, then I can’t be hurt.

[hardfeelings2-deactivated202010]

[memes-to-show-my-therapist]

[leonielives]

The South And It’s Issues

Georgia. I grew up in the midst of heat, sweat, and sadness.

My growth stunted by those who wanted to clip my wings due to parts of me I was born with. I can’t change my skin color. I can’t change who I love.

In the 70s things were supposed to be different. New wave, they called it. Non-progressive people would be left behind. Laid to rest by the system.

Suppose that’s only a Northern thing ‘cause here if you have a say; it’s anti-black. Pro saying whatever the hell you want and getting away with it. Pro being racist almost; to make a profit and make casual jokes against their fellow man at the water cooler

.I could do anything and I’d risk my kids being taken away. And I worry, a lot. Trying to keep my head afloat. Trying to stay on my tippiest of toes.

So I tried to change my attitude towards it. Thought if I showed ‘em it didn’t bother me that I could handle it and still show them respect then things would be different.

But they weren’t. People can change.. Maybe, but not if they never try.

Micheal’s dad, Big Joseph, he never tried. He hates me and my kids hate him.

A part of me like a sharp knife wants to appease him, and ever time I disappoint again and again it makes it’s way into my heart and makes me fall.

[leonielives]

Tales, Fails, and Betrayals

All of the elements of a good ol’ story and an honest truth.

My mama recently took to the dirt and in the process of sending her towards the sky; A lot happened.

Bet you won’t believe, but at least listen.

My mama, she could always hear spirits around her and solve any problem ‘ya needed. And when she went down; there went all the spirits with her. Fightin’ for her. 

She, the prize at the fair that every kid wanted.

I could see my brother, Given, but my son could see so much more.

And even though I had some essence of the ‘gift’ of seeing, my son and daughter had it more. Couldn’t even let me have that. Selfish babies.

But no matter my envy, I took my mama to the other side. And my son stared at me for a mighty long time. He could see through me and that sent me wild. 

He thinks he knows everythin’. Just ‘cause the world suck for him. Well kid, get used to it.

I hit him. Heat ran through me and almost a twisted sense of satisfaction crept into my heart.

I don’t regret it. Blessed be to the Lord that I hadn’t done it before.

And now I’m leavin’. I have to hide from the storm happin’ on the outside. And the heavens know Pop ain’t want me around no more. 

I’m so overwhelmed and part of me just wants to unwind and be a kid again and just have Micheal all to myself.

Without him I’m a husk. My mama’s dead and my son hates me. And I can’t help but face that dreaded feeling of nothing inside my soul.

Unless I snort a line and fly high.

[sickoflosingsoulmates]

when - dodie

[leonielives]

My kids hold onto each other for dear life. Like it pains them to separate as they are one. Like they don’t even need me.

It makes me want to go mad.

[leonielives]

My biggest mistake yet, and I have two unplanned kids

I’m Leonie. Mother of two. Parent to none. And since none of ‘ya know me; I’m an addict. For love my pa never gives me, and the love Micheal is so full of. 

Also with drugs. I see my passed on brother when I take ‘em; ghosts just can’t get enough of me. While everyone else is sick of me. So I thought... maybe this could help?

My name’s supposed’ ta mean lioness 

But the way I’m see’in it ain’t nothing I have to be proud of with that name.

I wrote a little somethin bout it too.

Leonie

What I can’t see

Is why the hell my kids

think it’s right to open their lid

and call me that

With poison matted

All through their hair

I should care

But I don’t

I just won’t

So yeah, parenthood is a dream.