Pierrotdolia System

Sometimes posts overly personal bullshit and frequently privates posts at random ••• [banner ID: a blurry image of an open textbook from an above angle, the entire left page is highlighted yellow and the tip of a highlighter can be seen on the right side continuing to color the next page. There is large black text towards the bottom of the image that reads “Everything is important”] [profile ID: a chibi version of the character Boston Lobster from the gacha game Food Fantasy doing a “hurray!” pose with arms extended to the air and an open mouthed smile]

[lepusflocculus]

Haii intro post or something ^_^

(These are frequently rewritten)

CONTENT WARNING: we occasionally use this blog for venting. That includes posting about upsetting/triggering topics. I tag when I feel necessary but I don’t provide any convenient way to filter my posts.

🛸

We use the title Pierrotdolia System [PS] or pierrotdolia warren for arbitrary thematic purposes but a collective name falls under any variation of: Visi / Vidi

Previously used “postcripts” for all system title stuff (that’s why the tag no longer matches lol)

+ Collective he/him

+ This body is an Adult

For-your-benefit information: Is the following in your DNI? We’re pro endo, support creating headmates, don’t really care about shipcourse, and we DO NOT believe “narc abuse” is a thing. There’s no such thing as abuser disorders. If a narcissist abused you, that’s still just regular abuse. Their disorder didn’t do that. On a lighter note, we’re just terribly cringe. We’re so cringe. We like childish things and getting overly invested in fiction. I cannot uphold any notion of being cool if you scroll down this blog

I don’t really care for disclosing origins because first of all it’s none of your business but second of all endogenic/traumagenic is a stupid binary and has turned potential community into just another platform for infighting. We embrace all types of systemhood in this decade 🕯️🕯️🕯️

We have schizoid personality disorder and post about it a lot. Any experiences are our own and do not reflect a monolith. Our ask box is always open to anything, but that’s not a guarantee we’d respond

°•. We will probably never post individual headmate intros, but many of us do like to be known by name. For that reason, we may occasionally sign off who wrote what. That doesn’t mean everyone always will. .•°

Maybe you like the same stuff we like?

History, comic books, science, touching grass (literal. outdoors is nice)

Some sources included because if I listed fandoms instead we’d be here all day

SOURCE LIST: Ben10 (cartoon), The Legend of Zelda (video games), Fullmetal Alchemist (animanga), Dimension 20: Fantasy High (D&D podcast), Deltarune (videogame), My Little Pony: FiM (cartoon), Marvel Comics, JJBA (animanga)

[lepusflocculus]

You think you’ve made your zoidyness clear to a friend well enough until they say the most unassuming triggering sentences of all time without even thinking and it’s like damn I really am just trapped forever with no hope of escape aren’t I

[lepusflocculus]

It’s pride month! You know what that means! You have to split at least one explicitly queer fictive this month, or your system is queerbaiting media

[lepusflocculus]

Okay yes the cats are gay but you CANNOT be calling them “tugoff” 😭😭😭

[lepusflocculus]

No matter how long I stare into the pictures I can’t seem to integrate the understanding that this is my life and I am the one who’s lived it. Every relationship I’ve accrued in my short time on earth is neatly segmented into a different impossible to open box in my brain. Mother is separate from father is separate from sister is separate from cousin is separate from grandparents who are separate from each other as aunts and uncles and friends, most of all separate from myself. They’re all each individually manual settings I have to configure myself to care about or remember. I don’t have a linear sense of time. My temporal orientation is frequently behind the current calendar date. No I don’t still think obama is president but I do feel like I missed the bus to fifth grade this morning. I remember what it was like to care about the things I used to care about but they don’t exist in my head anymore. I have a lot of hand-crafted statuettes in my room. I would spend days uninterrupted sculpting and painting them even though they would always break in the oven at one point in the process, every time, without fail. I’d just shittily cob them back together so at least they’d hold long enough to take a picture of the finished thing before the limbs fell off again. I haven’t touched my last work in maybe.. two years? Many of my passions rise and fall in fashions like this, briefly intense but intensely brief. I don’t really miss it after it’s gone. It just escapes my notice. Like many things, I cannot summon the directive to care about it on my own. I own a violin. I own lesson books on how to play the violin. Have I ever touched it since needing to replace the bow? Not even once. I’ve been feeling so much like a dead thing recently, I guess that’s the only reason to melodramatically write like this for tumblr. I feel so entirely devoid of the sense to perform humanity. I do things that people tell me to because it is something to do. When Im alone I am motionless. I haven’t even really been depressed in the way I come to expect of myself, I really just sit and stare at the wall with no particular feeling about it in any direction. I smoke weed, which gives me the appetite to eat, and then based on a coin flip I’ll freak out about some kind of religiously themed paranoid fantasy, and then I come back to reality and do all of this again the next day. I want to live independently. There’s no way I’d survive independently. And for what? A lack of willpower? That is mostly my sickness. A lack of will. A lack of inhabitance in my living self. Do I expect others to always do things for me? Well, somehow I’ve gotten this far without feeling impacted by the consequences of failure, losing, or inadequacy. I own so many posters and books and decorations that must be some hint towards any kind of personality at all and I just can’t see myself. There is nothing of me, or I am nothing, and either way I do very little to enact any new sense of myself onto the environment. When my friends call me on the phone and I actually answer them it’s like this strange little episodic glimpse into the real world, into a real person. They have so many feelings about every little thing. It’s not like I even lack the ability to picture that, I just can’t replicate it towards anything. When they’re in the room with me talking about how I need to give a two week notice to leave my job and how it’s not good if I just let myself get fired, my brain can catch up and respond in real time, react to them reacting in real time, and for the moment I certainly share the understanding and the comprehension and I feel in myself the behavior of a human that cares about those things too. That social animal the human. It operates as it should in company. When I’m on my own again, or our communication is online, the embodied performance of caring about those things has gone again. I go right back to risking my employment status for no good reason again. Well I thought that I cared yesterday. Yesterday, when you alleged that you were doing the caring for me.

I’ve run out of paragraph space again. Ok I guess that’s all you get from me.

[lepusflocculus]

Bdsm is probably really popular with autistic people bc it’s like sex with a rigid rule system

[theiasystem]

sharing a social life is hard!

[lepusflocculus]

The problem with having consecutive days where I feel good is that I had started conceptualizing myself as “someone who is not happy” a long time ago, or “someone who is always in a state of upset.” I feel like I’m always questioning it if I’m in a mood of general lightness. I don’t go out of my way to ruin it or anything. And I’m not bothered by the idea it might end again. I know a lot of people can struggle with being happy because their fear of losing it preemptively stresses that joy back out of them, but for me it’s more of a confusion I guess. I keep wondering if I “only” feel good because I’m ignoring things again, or if I’m dissociating, or if it’s emotional amnesia making me forget I was upset, or if I’m just tricking myself into some kind of constructed happy headspace that is reliant upon not being myself, which would just be dissociation again, and—

Well, anyway, I don’t know. I guess it’s fine to be happy. I think my quandary with feeling as if I owe it to the sadness to allow it to play out is that I was not really allowed to be openly sad for so long. That didn’t change anything mind you, I was still sad, and everyone called me a party pooper constantly all the time, I just wasn’t allowed to talk about it. I feel like when I’m happy that my sadness isn’t getting the attention it deserved again. I just want to sit with it so I know that it’s real and that it mattered at some point. I don’t really get anything done that way because I still can’t fix it and just end up wallowing. But whatever emotions come and go I guess. It’s going to require of me some amount of active intention to feel anything at all anyway so maybe I should just see where the wind blows me. Haha blows me. Hah. Blow- do you get it? Eh-he…….

[lepusflocculus]

Heeyy guess what more pictures of flours. Roses only bloom for like one week out of the whole year so I need to take a lot of pictures while I have time

[lepusflocculus]

Pop quiz: is that subtle ringing that you hear your tinnitus or just the sound of ambient electricity in the room?

[lepusflocculus]

New type of self inserting AU where I just draw myself as a headmate in the fictive’s source material. The story doesn’t change at all they’re just a system for no plot relevant reason and I say “I too am in this episode”

[the-blue-void]

Giant ask here bc Im awake today:

See i told you i was gonna tell u about npd + szpd superiority complex stuff but then I never did. Unfortunately I had a little life crisis and then finals but its over now.

i forgot what the posts were about tbh but I was thinking abt it last night- In szpd I usually see two different types of superiority complex, with one being about independence, and the other might be that omniscient (aka all-knowing) existential or possibly spiritual feeling some people get.

With npd, people end up feeling superior about a wide variety of topics/values/skills. So many that i can't even list it here. I've also seen pwNpd feel superior in ways that border on spiritual- Usually they have a sense of confidence that cannot be materially challenged bc their ideas of it are immaterial. Theyre usually pretty chill actually. When someone bases their ideas of superiority off of something material, then they usually seem to have npd collapse or rage episodes when their own ideas about material reality are incoherent. They may end up seeming somewhat delusional and lashing out. (For example: I've seen people put stock in the idea of 'intellect' and then get mad that it's actually subjective and can't rlly be properly measured). Also pwNpd seem to get upset when not recognized for whatever they believe makes them superior.

Also if you wanna know what npd + szpd might look like together u should check out @ hauntedselves. They have tons of posts on this and also resources in their bio :D which is mostly how I got started reading on it.

But I'd mostly say it looks like a sense of superiority that does not need to be acknowledged, either bc of the omniscient feelings, or bc they take pride in independence. and they may look down on others for being 'too needy' or even 'too social' and they would feel good about being different from that. Like "I dont need that, it's silly that you need that, what a waste of time/energy." It might come with a judgemental tone, and it also *might* just be a cope to cover up loneliness but it depends. It definitely is a lack of empathy here though because it is judging someone for valuing something different- So it is someone failing to understand that values are subjectively decided, or that "value" is just . In the "eye of the beholder" so to speak. But they cant see through the eyes of others, or they struggle to. Most ppl with szpd and npd will probably struggle in that way with empathy too. From most pwNpd, I've seen real genuine issues with cognitive empathy too, like other pwNpd are so bad at simply imagining different perspectives, or they have black and white thinking where they decide "someone else is doing this bc X" and they never consider that is could be X, Y, or Z. They just go with whatever comes to mind first. This is based off observation though with other pwNpd. I dont meet a lot of pwSzpd for obvious reasons lol . Someone with both is probably obscure and probably takes pride in obscurity (they may also like putting on masks and hiding behind them / performing)

tysm for the holy info!!

I kept feeling like i dont have adequate things to add :0 but this makes so much sense actually. I've been thinking about this, i think its hard for me to develop npd but not every szpd works the same as mine probably especially since i was like the biggest covert schizoid that ever coverted (online)

also yea those w szpd hide pretty hard, i probably wouldn't encounter any of them if i didn't need to figure out our issues, and those with both are probably even harder to find.

[lepusflocculus]

Every time I smile I order myself one lashing. I find myself around a girl who wants nothing but to see me smile. He is probably not caught up on the lashings though

[lepusflocculus]

They like you at your schizoid ramblings and never at your intermittent and mediocre nature photography

[lepusflocculus]

There are so many little things they’re so small I don’t notice until having looked a long time at the same patch of grass

[lepusflocculus]

Im not one to take signs from the environment but this was like a cruel joke

[lepusflocculus]

You expect your headmates to hate you and then instead they just pop in to tell you to do things like wash your hands after touching moldy food and not to drink from a glass of water that you’ve allowed detritus to collect on the surface of