My vulvodynia/vaginismus/vaginal pain story: AKA 'OH MY GOD THERE IS HOPE FOR ME'
Content warning this is VERY detailed info about my pussy that you didn't ask for but I'm really happy about my physio progress and thought it might be helpful/hopeful for someone else to read?
Ok so I have had vaginal pain with penetration all my life, tampons were uncomfortable going in and very painful coming out expanded. One finger (and I have very small hands) was a little uncomfortable and anything more was literally too agonising to even attempt. I cannot use the vast majority of penetrative sex toys, I had to buy a specifically extra small dildo to be able to do penetration at all.
I bought dilators years ago, but never made much progress with them. I got the second one inside me one time, but it was with some pain and a LOT of prep immediately working up to it, besides weeks of using the smaller one, and I couldn't really move it without it hurting. I couldn't orgasm with it in because it hurt too much. I've managed over the years to occasionally get to a point where I can just about get two fingers inside me but it's not comfortable, and I can't really move them without it being painful. The skin felt too tight around them like it was going to rip open, and it was just this stabbing pain.
I finally felt brave and was examined by a GP three years ago, who caused me a lot of pain as part of her examination (my legs were literally shaking with pain) and said she didn't think there was anything structurally wrong, it was probably vulvodynia or perhaps vestibulodynia. She referred me to a pelvic floor physio. I had one phone appointment and it was awful. The physio I spoke to was so awkward about it, it was like she felt uncomfortable talking about vulvas or touching yourself??? She asked me how I knew penetration was painful if I'd never attempted to have sex. Like she genuinely was baffled how I could know. Because nobody ever explores their own body????? She seemed uncomfortable with the idea of someone needing to put fingers inside themselves even as part of their physio. So I just never made a second appointment.
Two and a half years later, I've moved city. I decided I should probably try to speak to a physio again. I was referred by my new GP and had an actual in person appointment with a pelvic floor physio three weeks ago. She was super nice, and made me feel really comfortable and safe. She was totally at ease talking about putting fingers inside yourself, vibrators, lube etc. She asked me if I have still felt sexual pleasure, and when I said yes, she smiled and said "Good, that's the most important thing." The physical examination was optional and I agreed. And she didn't hurt me! She went very slow and explained everything she was doing, got me to breathe and relax through it, examined my pelvic floor muscles etc. She only moved a little at a time and as soon as it got tender, she didn't push further.
In summary, she said I have good pelvic floor muscle range (better than she expected), the muscles are a little slow to react, and I just clench all the time, and clench more reactively to sound, touch, pretty much anything. She said I have a skin cord at the entrance to my vagina, which is very normal and is just how some people develop, but the skin cord is what's causing me pain, because it should be malleable and stretchy, but because I'm clenched all the time, it's not used to stretching and so is very sensitive to touch and pressure. So light touch = tenderness and more than that = pain. She taught me some breathing and pelvic floor release exercises, and explained how I should massage the skin cord, could use a vibrator and dilators to help etc.
Three weeks later, yesterday, I had a checkup with her again. I'd been too busy to use a vibrator or dilators, had only done the massage once, but had been relaxing my pelvic floor all the time. She physically examined me again (again, optional) and said I'd made really good progress. She said she was able to press a lot harder before I said it was tender, she could tell the skin cord was more flexible. The muscles aren't slow to react any more either. She told me to carry on with what I'm doing, that I'm doing it right! And I have another appointment in six months unless I want one sooner.
I used the smallest dilator yesterday and it was fine. Today, I felt brave, so I just grabbed the second one, expecting I probably wouldn't be able to do it. I did the breathing and relaxation she taught me and... I did it. Without other prep! Just plenty of lube and relaxing. It was a tiny bit tender, but not painful. I made myself orgasm with it in! It didn't hurt! I was able to move it without pain! I did some massage with it and then tried putting two fingers inside myself and... I could. Like, all the way in. It didn't feel like I was going to tear. And I moved them, and... I could. It wasn't painful. It was a little tender. But I could actually, like, fuck myself with two fingers and it wasn't painful and it didn't feel like I was about to rip anything.
I've made more progress in three weeks with the help of a decent physio than I was able to make in years of researching it, speaking to a shitty physio, trying dilators alone, trying to finger myself open, getting frustrated and giving up for months etc.
No, penetrative sex isn't the be-all and end-all, especially not for a lesbian, but I've felt pretty shit about myself as a bottom who 'couldn't even get fucked' and a lesbian who 'couldn't even get fingered' over the years. And that's not a judgement that's come from anyone else, just myself.
For the first time ever, there's hope for me to actually move up to the third size of dilator eventually, which I frankly didn't think was ever going to be possible. Having a woman put two fingers in me and enjoying it without an hour+ of prep is actually a possibility now. I'm just really fucking happy about it.
