a guide to uk cities for foreign people
manchester: gays. you will probably get mugged, way better than london though, also known as madchester, because best nightlife and britpop
liverpool: like manchester, but less gay. you will definitely get mugged. notorious for stealing wheels
newcastle: probably quite good for canadians as exists in permafrost and has never left the 90s.
leeds: it’s a lot cheaper than london
bradford: leeds but awful
nottingham: gun death capital of the uk!
derby: intense rivalry with nottingham, literally no one else in the country or world gives any fucks about this.
hull: violently resist anyone who attempts to take you here
leicester: i’m not sure this is a real place
york: this is an illustration from the top of a christmas biscuit assortment
birmingham: NO.
brighton & hove: more gays. is only a pretend city. mild to moderate chance of mugging. contains some deeply annoying hippies. basically if san francisco was british.
portsmouth: there is literally nothing here.
southampton: exactly the same as portsmouth but smells of off milk
bristol: you have a 1 in 10 chance of ending up in a bbc recording. everyone sounds like a farmer or bob marley.
cardiff: you have a 1 in 5 chance of ending up in a bbc recording, and a 1 in 3 chance of being glassed.
plymouth: post apocalyptic wind tunnel full of drunk sailors pissing on depressed hookers. do not enter.
penzance: everyone here is from london now.
london: no one from london is actually from london and even breathing is expensive.
cambridge: windy and full of equal amounts of homeless drug addicts and public schoolboys. the junkies are nicer.
oxford: same number of cunts as cambridge but easier to escape from due to all-night bus to london
edinburgh: a goth turned into a city. basically london but slightly more scottish.
glasgow: it is impossible to tell whether people are angry or happy.
aberdeen: las vegas at the point when vegas starts crying uncontrollably
belfast: do not order “an irish car bomb” OR “a black and tan” here.
wolverhampton: really, really don’t.
norwich: count people’s fingers. mutations walk here.
coventry: like plymouth, bombed flat in ww2. like plymouth, failed to take the hint. like plymouth: do not alight here.
sheffield: everyone talks like sean bean or alex turner, still better than london
Bitch you forgot half of Scotland and you got Aberdeen wrong!
Aberdeen: the ugly cousin of Glasgow, likes to think it’s hot shit when it’s really not. Only thing keeping it afloat was oil industry now that’s going to shit. Equal in posh and chavs.
Dundee: Aberdeen’s ugly cousin somehow more violent.
Perth: why is this a city? It’s like a street long. Who made this a city?
Sterling: literally no one knows shit about this other than its old. People allways forget it’s a city too.
Inverness: the only city in the highlands, here you will find sheep cows, people who actually speak gealic and nessie. Do not bring up the independence referendum
