Introspection(s)

[lessonsfromearthschool]

you gave me feast

then dwindle

down

down

down

until famine.

sitting in the discomfort that truth brings;

"what are you doing!?"

i ask myself, then leave...but the cycle repeats.

it was like you knew i was an addict

and I knew I was a fool.

chasing the high of connection but willing to accept your crumbs.

funny

i've been here before. i recognize this place.

i want you,

but not in the way that you are.

in the way that you made me feel that one time you ate me out until my mind experienced the bliss of nothingness.

in the way you looked at me after, as you gently ran your hand over my thighs.

in the way your hug goodbye lingered.

in the playfulness of it all.

i wove these moments into a blanket that i tried hiding in when you showed me your truth...but your scratches triggered wounds that run deep.

for only a moment, the lenses were tinted rose.

i knew it was never going to work out like i wanted it to but why did you show me a glimpse of your soul?

now it feels harder to let you go.

[lessonsfromearthschool]

moments ago, dancing,

my head is filled with beauty and wisdom,

flowing to me, like poetry.

but, pen to paper

it's gone.

all I see is an empty page;

all I have is a doubting mind.

all I want to be is a poet.

all I am is my past.

[lessonsfromearthschool]

I lost myself, and then I lost you.

Or did you lose yourself too?

I'm starting to get used to being alone. Sometimes it's even hard to remember what it was like to be together. I look at the photos and we look happy but all I feel is sad. This deep love and intense loss.

I'm starting to find myself again. I can't help but wonder if you are too. I wish I could ask you but that idea is always better in my head.

You used to be soft to me but now you are hard. Like cold, impenetrable ice. I hope, one day, that will change. But for now, I prefer you in my mind versus in my present.

[lessonsfromearthschool]

I miss you

I love you

I let you go

[lessonsfromearthschool]

This can't be real. Can I wake up from this nightmare?

[lessonsfromearthschool]

Sometimes it feels like I've spent my whole life looking for someone else to clean up my mess.

[lessonsfromearthschool]

Have I always been this way?

I've been asking myself this a lot lately.

I can only feel my past self in relation to my present self.

Memories swirl around like a tornado but somehow they are all related to who I am now. I read that each time you recall a memory it becomes less accurate to the actual event you are recalling. So what even is true inside the mind?

I'm not sure but this feeling is deeply familiar.

[lessonsfromearthschool]

I woke up today and realized that I was a butterfly living in a bee hive.

[panic-in-the-attic]

A memory peeks casually from behind an old grocery list:

"I bite the pillow until I see halos behind my eyelids."

I travel back in time.

Teeth aching,

Jaw shaking,

I need that fury to live.

I leave my sadness in your jail cell,

My love on your window sill,

And I let the anger carry me.

I taste it. I hold it between my teeth.

[lessonsfromearthschool]

Today I finished a project. A project that, for the last month, I poured the majority of my energy into. I'm riding on the high of accomplishment and the ending of a mentally exhausting experience.

In the shadows lingers the fear that is felt when presenting the product of all those long hours and sleepless nights. Will it be well received?

The other night, I pulled the 6 of swords. The imagery is of a beautiful, young woman, naked, under a sheer dress. She stands in the middle of six swords placed in a small circle, blades out. She is holding a silver platter with the bloody head of a decapitated man that lays dead behind her.

Vulnerable, she presents her sacrifice. A look of uncertainty on her face.

For only today, I will live in this liminal space. Tomorrow will be the judgement.

[lessonsfromearthschool]

I am a river,

flowing through time, unaware,

blissfully flowing.

I am a vessel,

on the river, unaware,

afraid of myself.

I am a captain,

of the vessel, well aware,

I am the river.

[lessonsfromearthschool]

First glance, it's beautiful

Second glance, it's complex

Third glance, quiet rainbows

[lessonsfromearthschool]

Resilience and fragility

[lessonsfromearthschool]

Running on an empty tank

Nothing left to give

Yet i allow folks to take

Crying at my desk

Not sure why

Tell myself to put on the mask

Just a few more hours

Till my time is mine

I sell it for security

My feelings must wait.

[lessonsfromearthschool]

Hello world.