Bridgette by Ann Summers

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Bridgette by Ann Summers
about_lucien
“I’ve seen a lot of beautiful things with a heavy heart.”
— Albert Camus
“Go out and do something. It isn’t your room that’s a prison, it’s yourself.”
— Sylvia Plath (via wordsnquotes)
Outtake for Calvin Klein
I wish I could unknow this, but there is a perception of me that I’m super sensitive and fragile. And I am super sensitive, and I don’t think that that’s a bad thing. To do what I do, I have to remain open. I’m so sick of people shaming women for being sensitive or vulnerable. It’s so bizarre to me. I do have those qualities, and I just don’t think there’s anything wrong with them. There were times when I let it feel too overwhelming and almost, like, shamed, but I had to just get over that.
“Someday you’re gonna look back on this moment of your life as such a sweet time of grieving. You’ll see that you were in mourning and your heart was broken, but your life was changing.”
— Elizabeth Gilbert (via quotemadness)
Pure Chance
I.
It has been years now since I fell in love with B. I have done so over and over, more and more deeply again and again. Something I had only read about until the goodness that I found in him. I so badly want him forever- a beginning without an end because I cannot imagine the after. I cannot foreshadow the heartache or the depth of remembering- a fearfulness that I cannot describe to you. In a way, it is a death that we know is coming: it will be rendered untimely, still heavy with love. Today, I will bargain with God for more time. I will warm my hands underneath him; fall asleep to his heavy noise. I want to remember everything in a way that I have never remembered before: eternally, concisely, almost desperately….
II.
Ann Druyan writes, “Every single moment that we were alive and we were together was miraculous — not miraculous in the sense of inexplicable or supernatural. We knew we were beneficiaries of chance… That pure chance could be so generous and so kind… That we could find each other, as he wrote so beautifully in Cosmos, you know, in the vastness of space; the immensity of time…That is something which sustains me; The way he treated me and the way I treated him, the way we took care of each other and our family…I don’t think I will ever see him again (in the afterlife). But I saw him. We saw each other. We found each other in the cosmos, and that was wonderful.”
III.
The parallel is this: after, I will think of him in every place. From the E of my name to the tips of my toes; when walking a dog and being pulled by its smallness into a side bank of grass; when leafing through the pages of a newspaper; when sliding a chip between and splitting the zeros. I will not be able to run my fingers across the states of a map, or feed another thermal with holes in its sleeve onto a sturdy wire hanger without aching for him. I will never find someone with so much worth loving, someone so trusting and brilliant and kind, again. Everywhere I look there will be parts of him: from the lake to the west and I am grateful for this. Recesses of my heart filled with a fondness that no words can touch. I will carry him with me for always and more- forever changed.
“It’s important to make sure that we’re talking with each other in a way that heals, not in a way that wounds.”
— Barack Obama