Idk. I guess I'm broken
I finally can accept that I'll always love him. He doesn't deserve me or my love. He's treated me horribly and purposely hurt me. But no one else comes close...
I can busy myself with someone, tell myself I love them, but the whole time part of me is well aware of the fact that I'm numb to them. It's more obvious once the new wears off. And it always wears off.
He is the only man I've ever loved. I've spent a year trying to date others & find happiness, but all I've found is the truth. He was my person & together we fucked it completely up. He will always be my person, even though we'll likely never speak again.
Sometimes your soul mate is fucked up. Or schizophrenic. Or addicted. Or broken. That doesn't change their being your soul mate. It just changes your "happily ever after". So my happily ever after will never happen because my soul mate is off fucking his coworkers. And because something is really off with him. But I'll always love him. I'll just love him from afar and I'll stop wasting my own time getting to know future strangers. I deleted my dating profiles. For good.
I'm ready to accept solitude & move forward in my life. It's sad, but this whole ordeal has been sad. We were so happy & so perfect. For whatever reason, that ended. I can date 1,000 men & he's still who's in my heart. I will always love him, regardless of how he feels for me. Even though I don't want to. Always.
