Let's Not Ship

"We ain't paying you for nothing."

[letsnotship]

Fame

Recently I was hanging out with my five year old nephew and as we pulled he asked me a very weird question. Especially when it comes from someone who thinks The Flash is the best superhero (clearly, it's Hawkeye).

"Uncle Tyson, why am I not famous?" "Why do you want to be famous?" "So everyone will love me and be my friend."

It kind of terrified me to have this conversation by myself with my nephew over pancakes at a local brunch place. He doesn't want to be famous for making music, being on tv or movies or youtube, playing sports, or making art. He just wants to be famous and those other things are byproducts of fame.

Sure, he's five. Yes, he has doesn't understand the concept of fame. It is the fact that at the age of five that this is something he actively thinks about. When he asked me it was out of the blue and his voice sunk into sadness. It was heartbreaking.

How do you answer a question like that? Especially when it comes to talking to a five year old. He's not famous. That's all he knows. Does he think that no one loves him and he has no friends? Well, other than being loved by his family. Isn't that enough? At least for a five year old.

For me the topic of fame is a very weird and loaded. I do not by any account think I'm famous. I'm known in a very small city on an island. That's it. What I do puts me in places with famous people who on many occasions are just people doing what they love. That's all fame is to me (most of the time).

When I was a teenager I dreamed of fame. Directing movies and dying before I was thirty. That wasn't in the cards for me. Especially after making several decisions leading me in new directions. Some of those decisions were made for me and some I made myself. I was very lonely for a long time, but that was never instigated an ambition for fame. Now I thrive on being alone. It's the one time I get stuff done. Sometimes my favourite part of being in a sea of people at concerts is that i'm alone in the moment. It's where the creativity can live.

It strange to think that this is something children. Ones who have recently learned to walk, talk, and poop in a real toilet are conscious enough to strive for "fame." An obvious fault in our generation and the ones following us.

Fuck, when I was five I wanted to be a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. Can kids be kids anymore?

[letsnotship]

Afraid of the dark

Lately I've been staying up past the brink of exhaustion and collapsing into a foggy sleep. I sleep with the lights on. I sleep with my socks on. I'm afraid of the dark and what it means is lurking in my place. Lurking in dark closets, hidden under a pile of clothes, or under my bed. I am a grown man fraught with terror about what goes bump in the night.

Something has decided to make my home it's home. It is terror incarnate. Fear itself. It is the scratching at the door.

I live on an island. I live in the country. I live in a basement suite. These things are not only common, but in most cases an inevitability. They find away in and there is always more than one of them. I'm of course talking of vermin.

These creatures bring the fear deep into my soul. I'm worried one might decided to make by bed it's home while I am in it terrifies me more. My landlord's blasé approach to the situation isn't helping either. Traps are clearly not working and I'm not sleeping.

Exits. We are all looking for them. Just some see them as entrances.

[pepperisgone-deactivated2014122]

[letsnotship]

I don't know the source of this photo, but it makes me think a lot about where I'm at right now.

Floating. Unable to commit to taking the plunge. 

[letsnotship]

Sleeping Sickness

I haven't been sleeping much lately. I think I average about 2-3 hours a night. It's not my favourite.

Last night I fell asleep at about 9:45PM. An hour and fifteen minutes later I was awake until my 7AM alarm went off. I spent most of the night just laying there trying to coax myself to sleep. I tried the several white noise and soothing sound apps I've bought, but no luck.

Today I met up with a friend and he said something that really made me laugh. Maybe I was working myself to exhaustion and that's why I used to sleep so well. I was so burned out by the physical and emotional stress of my job that I would instantly fall asleep. He has a good point. I worked a lot and when I got home I worked until I could no longer stand to be awake.

I think most of all I feel restless. I just don't know what to do with myself without work. What a conundrum, right? We all dream for that day when we aren't working, but when it comes you can't quite adjust to it. Work is a lifestyle. It's a reason to get out of bed. It's a reason to put on pants and have a shower. Believe it or not work is about being social. Even if you don't like the people you work with you have to maintain relationships and get the job done.

I'm starting to think about taking medication to sleep. I'm also trying to write before I go to bed just to clear my head. No lingering thoughts festering their way forward to keep me awake. I think what I really need is honest work. Whether that work is for me or someone else.

We all have our own battles to fight when it comes to careers goals and life goals. Sometimes the goals are hazy and unclear, but all we can do is work towards them until they are in focus. Whether it is sleep, happiness, or zen the path is always paved with hard work and honesty to ourselves.

[letsnotship]

Time Enough At Last

One of the first thoughts I had when I suddenly became unemployed a few weeks ago was that I could finally catch up on all those podcasts I've been putting off for the last few months.

Because I worked by myself for the most part it meant I could listen to whatever I wanted. That usually meant weird indie rock and podcasts. Podcasts being reserved for more of the tedious tasks and jobs that came about. Oh, and that forty five minute walk to work in the morning.

Unfortunately that really hasn't been the case in the last few weeks. I still listen to Let's Drink About It, Stop Podcasting Yourself, and Roderick On The Line as soon as they drop. The rest have hit the back burner.

While I'm out hustling trying to get photo work or you know a regular job I tend to listen to music. Same goes for those long bus rides I seem to take almost daily. Maybe it's escapism or maybe it's just another task I want to put off. I get so sidetracked when trying to do anything at home (I'm really supposed to be writing a concert review instead of this). I've tried putting them podcasts while I clean around the house, but I usually get overwhelmed and give up.

I'm not sure what's going on right now with me. I feel like I'm getting a case of the SADs, and I spend too much time in bed. I need and want to be doing something. Unfortunately the motivation isn't here right now.

Remember that scene in that old Twilight Zone episode? Yeah, there was finally time to listen to podcasts, but instead of breaking my glasses I broke my brain.

[letsnotship]

I stood outside the food bank this morning drinking a coffee and enjoying the fall rain from under the overhang. One of the other volunteers came out to me and asked me what was wrong.

Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I think I might actually be happy for the first time in a long time.

It's strange to think. Maybe this is the first step in me actually trying to live a dream. A time to work hard and hustle to keep corn flakes on the table.

[letsnotship]

Shiftless

Last night I found myself pacing around my basement suite. Shifting aimlessly from room to room. There is so much that I want to do, but it's so hard to actually get down and do it.

This is the real test of self that I'm finding with unemployment. It's too easy to sit down and binge watch Netflix or just lay in bed all day. I have to start setting goals and deadlines for myself. I have a backlog of editing that I want to just finish, but the idea of staring at the computer screen bores me. I'm just not into it. I know I need to do it. I also need to make a concerted effort to actually write.

You can't be a photographer if you don't take photos just like you can't be a writer if you don't write.

My mind has finally shifted from "hey, I'm on vacation!" to "oh shit, you forgot what unemployment is like."

Work while not always fulfilling to the soul gives sense of purpose in the world. Even if that purpose is flipping burgers or making photo copies. We all want to do our dream job, but we forget the road to that dream job is filled with shitty jobs. Sometimes you need to get dirty to get ahead. Dream big. Keep your head up. Do your laundry.

[letsnotship]

Moving on (sort of)

This weekend I've spent a lot of time on the phone. Talking to people who are either genuinely worried about me or see this as an opportunity and are happy for me.

I think I fall in the last category, but I'm not sure yet. I don't think it has really hit me. It's strange to think of eight years of your life being over. A chapter to be closed and never to be read again.

Moving forward is the key. I don't aim to dwell on the past (although often that is my curse). There were good times and there were bad times. There was freedom, but there were always chains. I forgot about myself in there. I let things slip. Maybe that was the depression or maybe that was just a thing like so many things I didn't want to deal with.

We must look to the future as blindingly bright as it is. We must set our own paths and choose which direction to go. Take advice lightly and choose wisely. Always listen. Have heart.

[letsnotship]

"I'm not myself, but somehow I'm still being him."

It's one of those Matt Good lyrics that just stuck with me through the years.

[tysonelder]

Let's Not Ship: Adult Things

I’ve been thinking about “adulthood” a lot lately.

It’s been a weird jump for me. I’ve always thought of myself as an adult, but not really. My hobbies, collections, and how I pass the time certainly lean towards manchild.

I was cleaning my second bedroom out today. It’s become a storage point. Boxes filled with half filled notebooks, sketchbooks, old bank statements, and other scraps of paper I thought might be important. Turns out none of them have held any value to me. They came to represent things I’ve been ignoring. That whole back room had become a holding cell of crap. I maybe save a bankers box worth of stuff. Some of that I plan on selling on ebay. Anyone want some HIM stuff?

I want all my towels to match.

This is a thing I think about a lot. They don’t need to be fancy towels at this point, but they need to match. I want them all to be the same.

Other thoughts come to a new bed, a new vacuum, a new mop, picture frames, and some nice candles. I’m not trying to impress anyone. I just want to be more comfortable in the space I spend a lot of my time in. I know the sound.

[tysonelder]

Let's Not Ship: Envy

Yesterday I spent a lot of time by myself driving across Vancouver Island for my day job. That’s a lot of time to think, and I choose to think about a certain shade of green.

Unlike the colour green; envy doesn’t look good on anyone. As artists and human beings we get envious of the success and accomplishments of others. I’m just as guilt of this as anyone else. There have been moments in my life were I stewed over another photographer’s success and their talent. I’m not going to lie about it. I think it’s the thing that pushed me to be a better photographer, but also to start an event that celebrates photographers for their skills.

I have to ask why does a name on a list matter? Why does someone else’s goals matter so much? Are we envious of their ambition? Are we jealous that they might actually succeed? Why do we look at other people as rivals instead of peers?

We need to realize that we can learn from our peers ambitions and successes. We cannot stack ourselves next to each other to deem our worth or theirs. It’s a waste of our time. Time where we could be learning and growing. A time where we can create meaningful relationships with our peer group instead of excluding ourselves only to begrudgingly wondering why we weren’t invited to the party.

Success and envy go hand in hand. While some people make it happen with hard work and determination others seemingly get it handed to them on a silver platter. While that is true 2% of the time I’d like to think there is a lot of behind the scenes work to be deemed a success.

Whether you’ve been working at it for ten years or six months there is no difference. Hard work is hard work. No one’s success has ever come without it. Get over it. Stop blaming others for your follies and make your decisions. Envy is one of the many things that holds us back from true success, and that’s called being a human being.

[tysonelder]

Let's Not Ship: Manhood

I’m now on a first name basis with the guys at my local automotive parts store. The same can be said about the barbershop and hardware store.

It’s all I’ve ever wanted.

[tysonelder]

Let's Not Ship: Pro Tip

Don’t be resentful of someone’s success from hard work. It doesn’t look good. We all have our own successes and failures. We can’t stack them up next to others, because they don’t stack well. We are all fighting to survive, to be successful, and more importantly be happy with our lives. The more time we spend festering on others successes is time wasted. We live once and we die once. Be happy and make your thing.

[tysonelder]

Let's Not Ship: The Lottery

You can’t win the lottery if you don’t buy a ticket. The same can be said about being an artist. You can’t be a painter if you don’t paint. You can’t be a photographer if you don’t take photographs. You can’t be a writer if you don’t write.

Go for it. The worst that can happen is you find out it’s not for you, and you try again. Success is based on failure. You can’t succeed or fail if you don’t try.

Sometimes the biggest success of the day is getting out of bed in the morning, and to me that’s winning the lottery.

[tysonelder]

Let's Not Ship: Fanboy

I’ve never read a Harry Potter book, and I’ve never seen one of the movies. I don’t care about Star Trek enough to not like the new movies. I’ll watch Star Wars, but it never changed my life. I’ve seen the new TMNT movie and it didn’t ruin my childhood. I read The Hobbit, but can invest 9hrs to a movie. Lord of the Rings is okay, but I like Led Zeppelin more.

I don’t care, but it doesn’t mean it’s not worth caring about. Everyone has their thing to care about. People die and we should be sad, but people also die and we aren’t sad. The reality of getting your panties in a bunch when I make a joke on Twitter is that it isn’t worth it. Move on and let something else prosper in your mind.

[tysonelder]

Let’s Not Ship: Guilt

I just got off the phone with my mom. I called her to check in. Earlier today I was spending time with her and my nephew, but decided to go home. My nephew seemed pretty down that I was going home and I didn’t want him thinking I went home mad at him.

Sometimes guilt is the only feeling I feel.

[tysonelder]

Every once and a while I think about this interview and “putting the days to bed.”