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@letsrecover
Let’s Recover has moved!
Let’s Recover has moved to letsrecover.co.uk and @letsrecover.co.uk on Instagram.
LR is still active on those platforms, check it out for articles, posts, updated FAQ’s, lives and other resources.
- Amalie Lee, founder
When someone “fears recovery”
Very often, when people with eating disorders fear recovery, it is not really about the fear of weight gain, or the fear of foods. They might make it to be about that, both to others and to themselves, but truth is, it is often not that simple. It is a fear of losing your identity. You might feel as though you’ve become your struggle, and if your eating disorder left you thin, you might feel being “the thin one” is your identity or purpose. It is a fear of the expectations from others, and society, that comes when you are no longer ill (or “visibly ill”). Now you have to face the world, and you can no longer blame your illness. It is a fear of losing your coping mechanisms. An eating disorder is often a tool to deal with whatever curveball life has thrown at you. It is a fear of letting go of the stability and safety of eating disorder. All these rules and restriction might have given you a sense of predictability. Recovery is messy and unpredictable. But truth is, if something is trying to kill you it is not safe. If something leaves you miserable in the long run, it is not a healthy way to cope. If something leaves you isolated and unable to live a normal, rewarding life, it is not sustainable. Our worst enemies are the ones disguised as helpful friends. Please do not let the lies of an eating disorder seduce you to death.
Thinking you’re not “sick enough” is an unhealthy enough thought on it’s own… don’t wait to reach out.
What not to say to people with eating disorders
This post is dedicated to those of you who know someone with an eating disorder. Are you afraid of saying something wrong, and want to know what you should and should not say?
(It is very long, and for that I apologise.)
Please read the post with respect. This applies to both patients and their family/friends. Remember that no one are perfect. The person with an eating disorder is not using her/his eating disorder as an excuse to “be difficult”, it is a real and severe problem for her/him! Just as important to note is that family and friends are not mind readers, and they are not mean. Knowing that someone you love and care about have a life threatening mental illness, is a terrible situation to be put in, and most parents will do ANYTHING in their power to save their child from illness and death.
Below is a list (with explanations) about what to say, or what not say, to a person with an eating disorder: - Do not ask yes/no-questions. If you ask a question such as: Can’t you just eat this dinner?, the answer you receive will likely be no, and the conversation abruptly stops. The answer you receive might also be yes, but be a lie. - Do not ask leading questions. If you ask: There is no way to make you eat this dinner, is it?, the answer will likely be no. Leading questions come with a huge disadvantage: The person can feel forced to lie. Because you are giving her/him an ultimatum, but the eating disorder does not allow this ultimatum to be realized. Please note: I am not saying that family and friends should “play along” with the eating disorder. But I am saying that if you directly oppose it, there is a high risk that you could make things worse (aka make the eating disorder stronger instead of weaker). - Ask open questions. This is the way to go. As opposed to the two prior examples, you could ask: How are you doing right now? Why do you think this dinner is difficult for you? Are you afraid of something specific? Is there anything I can do to help? As you can see, neither of these questions are yes/no-questions or leading questions. In other words, open questions like these will make room for honest answers. The person will feel safe that you simply want to help, and that you are trying to understand. You should also be clear that it is fine if the person cannot, or does not want to, answer the question. Be clear that you just want to show her/him that you care. You can also add that the person can come back to you whenever she/he feels like it, and answer the question later. - Do not say “I know EXACTLY how you feel!”. Because unless you have had an eating disorder yourself, it is very unlikely that you know that. Ask open questions instead. - Do not comment on other people’s body or weight. First of all, this is bad manners and can be very impolite. Secondly, for a person with an eating disorder, body, weight, and appearance is by far the most difficult topic for conversation. Body, weight and appearance are topics that can, and should, be limited to treatment settings. Plus; there is a major chance that the person already knows what you think of her/his body. - Do not say “You look better!”. This is a tricky one. Hard to understand, even for people with eating disorders (believe it or not). Imagine this: You think you are chubby, overweight, or fat. In spite of this, your family and friends (sometimes also complete strangers) tells you over and over again that you need to gain at least 15 kilos/33 lbs. When you finally do gain, everyone are running in your direction to tell you that they can see you put on weight. I doubt that would feel nice for any person, eating disordered or not. And this is my point here. Almost all people with eating disorders see themselves as fat/chubby/too big. It is also very common that they want to become healthy, and want to fully recover, but still do not want to gain any weight. You should avoid this comment because it confirms (indirectly, and wrongly too, of course) that the persons greatest fear of all has actually come true, they have now become even fatter, chubbier, or bigger. It is very easy to understand why family and friends want to tell their beloved one that they look healthier! It is meant as a compliment, meant to be something mutually joyful. It took me years to be able to handle this comment. Believe me, I have tried multiple times and failed. I tried to feel happy about it, I tried to block out the voice that translated “you look better” into “you are the most obese person on earth”, I tried to control my own reaction to make people happy. It always ended with a fake smile, and a bunch of chaos. And relapse. I have had an eating disorder for years, and it took me quite some time in recovery to be able to handle the comment as well. Before this happened, I had to overcome all the hatred I harbored against my body. - Do not comment on other people’s eating habits or -patterns. People with eating disorders are fully aware that they have different eating habits (or –patterns) than you, whether the difference lies in amounts or food types. First of all, the comment is unnecessary. Secondly, comments like these only contribute to the person feeling guilty: (S)he does not want to bother anyone, but now receives a clear message that that’s what (s)he does. Knowing that you worry people who love you, does not make the eating disorder loosen its grip. What it usually leads to, is the person wanting to eat alone or in secret, lie about food intake, or resort to purging/laxative abuse/(excessive) exercise. The same rule applies when/if the person eats what you think of as “too much” or “unhealthy”. Don’t bring it up. Just don’t. Leave the person alone. - Do not talk about food during meals. I am not saying you should not express your joy over fabulous, tasty sauce/gravy. What I am saying is you should avoid saying things like: “I am so stuffed!”, “You must be very hungry!”, “Aren’t you having one more portion?”, “This is healthy!”, or “Nah, this is quite unhealthy!”. If the person actually tries to finish his/her dinner plate, you are transforming the effort into a house of cards: It could collapse any second. If you say “this is healthy”, the person might experience trouble eating tomorrow’s dinner as it is “less healthy” (because it contains more carbohydrates, for example). If you say “this is unhealthy”, you have potentially ruined dinner with immediate effect. In many cases, the person might resort to purging, (excessive) exercise, etc. to rid him-/herself of this “unhealthy” thing. The person might also “transfer” the unhealthy-label to many other food types similar to the one you just called unhealthy. If you say “aren’t you having one more portion?” it could make the person stop because it is made very clear that (s)he has already consume one whole portion. (While portion sizes are unlimited in recovery, because (s)he needs all the energy (s)he can get.) If you say “I am so stuffed!”, there is a chance that the person will make sure to eat just a fraction of the amount you eat. If eating less than you is too late, the person might resort to purging, (excessive) exercise, etc. to get rid of the “unnecessary” food. - Do not talk about dieting, diets, healthy/unhealthy food, weight loss, or exercise. This is triggering to almost everyone. If you don’t feel too thin (to be “allowed” to do any of these things), why would a person with an eating disorder feel too thin? (This is how the illness works.) If you think you should diet, why shouldn’t the person with an eating disorder diet? It is very likely that the eating disordered person feels like (s)he is at least twice your size – even if YOU are twice HER/HIS size, for that matter. Be careful! - Do not assume you need to tell other people what they are doing. It is not your duty, it is none of your business, and you are not the first one to point out what they are doing either. Most patients, no matter what illness/condition they suffer from, receive well-meant advice every single day. Sometimes even from people they have never met before.
Another important factor regarding this topis, is (well-meant) advice. People with eating disorders receive tons of (well-meant) advice day after day. We who have eating disorders, of course know that the advisor means well. That, however, does not necessarily mean that any of these advices actually help, and it is not necessarily a good idea to give the advice either. In fact, you should try to avoid giving advice as often as possible. I am not saying one should never offer good advice, but there may be several reasons as to why you should not give the advice at all. I recommend you use the following questions as a guideline: - IS this good advice? If so, why? In what way do you feel certain that this will make a (positive!) difference?
- Do you think the person has received this advice many times before? If so, do you really find it necessary to repeat the advice for the forty-fifth time? The least you can do is ask the person if (s)he has received the advise many times before, and if (s)he has, then drop it. Completely. - Is your advice medically safe? Guaranteed? Or is there possibly any (slightest) chance that you are wrong? A good example here is exercise. Many patients in recovery are encouraged to start exercising. The argument is that exercise strengthens bone mass and increases muscle mass. That is true, of course, but it only applies to people without an active eating disorder! In reality, people with eating disorders should’nt exercise at all (in spite of all the wonderful health benefits), simply because exercise very often keeps the body in starvation mode (making it impossible to recover), and also because muscle- and bone mass are already broken down – if they are broken down even more (yes, this is what exercise does, it breaks down muscles), they are never given the chance to heal. - Is there a chance that your advice has a triggering effect? If no, how confident are you? Have you had an eating disorder? Has the person told you in detail what triggers her/him? (If you feel any doubt at all, mention the topic first and ask if this could potentially trigger.) If the advice turns out to trigger despite trying the opposite, do your best to debrief the situation afterwards.
- Øygunn
(Reblogging this because it is still so, so relevant)
hi there, i am in recovery at the moment but i am struggling with the concept that i will have to stop eating all the nice things once i get to my healthy weight.. i am eating about 2000 calories a day but whenever i put my goal weight combined with my height/age/acitvity into the calorie counters it comes up as around 1500-1600.. does this mean that when i reach my goal weight i can only eat this much??
Being recovered does not mean you have to “stop” eating certain foods! I eat more cake now than I did in recovery :) I would encourage you to increase your calorie intake to speed up metabolism and get out of starvation mode, read why here. As explained here, calorie counters/calculators are bullshit. - Amalie
Is it possible that in a point in my recovery I will start maintaining on 3000 calories or will this always be an amount to gain on ? :)
That’s very individual. Possible, yes. - Amalie
I've been recovering from an ed for 5 Weeks now and I have lots of stomach pain and extrem constant bloating. I know it's normal on recovery but it's always there, 24/7!! And it's painful😟 I also haven't been Hungry since then..Are these normal..? I'm to shy to ask my doctor about it...
This is normal to experience in recovery, and it will pass. Nevertheless, talking to a doctor could be a good idea, just in case. Don’t me embarrassed to ask a doctor, it is their job! I recommend reading this article. - Amalie
Though #gainingweightiscool we have to remember that #edrecovery is not about getting dat ass and going from skinny minnie to fit babe (or hunk). For some, recovery means going from a body type deemed socially acceptable and desired, to one deemed less "wanted" and less represented in media, simply because their bodies were never meant to be a size small. By maintaining a body weight under their set point weight range they would have had to hold onto eating disordered behaviours such as restriction, excessive and rigid exercise and food rules that causes mental and/or physical harm. And let's not forget many people with eating disorders aren't, never were and never will be skinny. That does not make their condition less valid nor their recovery less impressive. The people I find the most inspiring are those who haven't gone from one obsession to another, e.g. doesn't follow a rigid diet where their entire cupboard is from Whole Foods and Iherb, and doesn't go to the gym rather than seeing friends. I get inspired by free people. Brave people who embrace themselves and start a life that is not 90% centred around food and body. Listen to me; You have not done recovery "wrong" if you don't have a perky bum and feminine curves, or for males - a toned body with muscles. Recovery is not about getting hot or #strongnotskinny, it is about freedom. - @amalielee
I hate to break this to you, but recovery kind of sucks. Quite often, actually. Sure, the recovery process has its brighter moments - that first sincere laugh, ...
Shameless self-promotion, but guys, I’m out with a personal blog who also touches upon ED’s and recovery! - Amalie
12 recovery guide articles you should read
The top recovery guide articles people come here and to youreatopia.com for. These are recommended to read so you can educate and prepare yourself. 1. Phases of recovery 2. Extreme hunger (about bingeing in recovery) 3. You are not a unicorn 4. The fitness trap 5. The Minnesota starvation study 6. Disproportionate/rapid weight gain explained 7. Insidious activity (about the dangers of exercise) 8. Bloating and stomach troubles 9. Water retention 10. The renovation 11. Calories are your bodies money 12. Veganism/801010/HCLF
I've struggled with AN for a couple of years now and lost all freedom and natural eating behaviour. I know it's normal for an ED... But I weight restored and then restricted again many times and somehow I can't find a balance where my body maintains by itself. I keep gaining and then I relapse. I don't know why I do this. I don't want an ED, but I feel so lost and have no idea how to eat normally and unrestricedly without gaining...
It seems like you feel safe with any kind of extremes. You say you don’t want an ED - but do you want to be normal? Or is it normality that scares you? Are you afraid you’re not special enough if you are “just normal”? Do you fear losing attention or care?
All these things scared me when I was in quasi recovery and slipped from better to worse phases and all over again. I just didn’t want to let go of my ED even though I wanted to be free at the same time.
What I can tell you is that being normal is nothing bad. It’s not true that eating too less or too much or weighing more or less makes you a more special or different person.
Try to find and appreciate your actual qualities. Is it a beautiful, heart warming smile? Curly, cute looking hair? Being able to always listen to someone and have the right words?
I am sure you’re a special person with wonderful character treats - discover them and stop defining yourself through your eating behavior <3
- Vanessa
Body with health BMI don't look fat, but why when I look at myself( being at not healthy BMI) I feel bad, and scared of gain? I think that I different and when I achieve health BMI I will be fat. How can I deal with that feeling? I stared eat more (1500-200) calories. But I'm so scared.
Oh yeah, that sounds like me a few months ago.
I always thought that I would be THAT unicorn that never looked that unhealthy and skinny as the number on the scale would indicate - therefore a healthy weight would automatically make me fat.
Haha. That’s a very sick way of thinking. The only way to cope with this is giving it a try. Body dismorphia is a tricky things but you can free yourself from it only by eating properly and gaining weight plus focussing on other things!
If I’d stand in front of my mirror telling myself how much bigger I look than others daily or constantly compare my tights to other’s I would never feel comfortable with my body.
Life is about more than body checking and body images - instead give yourself a smile tomorrow morning and tell yourself that you’re an adorable person. No matter what the scales show.
- Vanessa
Thank you so much for this blog it is great help! I was overweight before I got anorexia and now that I have started to recover I fear that I will get to the same point once again. My anorexia started when I was 15 and the reason to why I was overweight before is because I ate way too much and didn't do any kind of physical activity, along with just hitting puberty. I am now 16 (soon 17) and I wonder if I will go back to that point or if I will stop at a different weight than where I used to be.
Glad we can help! :-)
Well, you kinda answered this yourself. When hitting puberty, many young adults look a bit weird as the weight might not fit to the current height haha - there’s so much development in this phase and you probably haven’t let your body get to the point where it feels comfortable and healthy.
Weight and shape changes throughout our life and you might look completely different once you’re weight restored after recovery than you did before!
Anyways, the term “overweight” is nothing harmful and quite inappropriate - some people naturally are overweight without having issues. Try to let your body decide which weight it needs - don’t focus too much on appearance and numbers!
- Vanessa
Firstly, I really love your blog, you are all great inspiration, and i'm so glad you are doing this! thanks for being so awesome! <3 My question: how much do you guys eat now normally in 1 day, as recovered? because i'm closed to fully recovered, but i don't know if i should eat as much as i did in recovery? like how much should you eat in a normal day? should i lower my intake or keep it high? how many calories?
Hi, thanks for your kind message.
I can only answer this for myself but tbh I cannot even tell exactly if there’s much of a difference.
I started eating more intuitively but as I’m honest to myself and don’t even think of relapsing my body is able to show me what it needs. However, that’s not way less than recovery - I assume around 2500 now.
But still - the absolute goal is to stop calorie counting. If you make sure to not cheat yourself that’s really not that hard.
And I still have days of extreme hunger - don’t think that’s only for people who need to gain or are in recovery. Normal people just don’t call it like that and don’t even care as much as we do about stuff like that :-)
- Vanessa
hello, i understand that it is common to face bloating during recovery but I cant seem to really differentiate whether is it bloating or fats anymore? because though my stomach seems to be smaller in the morning and it gets quite big before i go to sleep at night, however throughout the day, i dont really experience any pain/discomfort in my tummy? is this still considered as bloating?
Hey,
well bloating does not necessarily cause pain or discomfort. “Bloating” also naturally occurs after eating - somewhere the food and drinks have to go after eating/ drinking, right? ;-)
It’s just normal that your belly looks smaller in the morning (believe me, 80% of all those models and fitness babes take photos on an empty stomach - don’t think your unnormal if you don’t look like that AT ALL)
- Vanessa
Hello u awesome & lifesaving people❤ well, if a person relapsed (after being weight restored for over 8 months) and wants to start recovery again, is it possible to still fix my metabolismn? Im so afraid it could be damaged irreparabel now that i starved my poor body twice😔 can i still recover my metabolism somehow? And if yes, how? Thanks again for being so awesome, you guys saved my life and still are my biggest inspiration, big hugs to your whole team😘 you are true heroes❤❤
Oh sweetie - that’s a cute questions!
Your metabolism surely isn’t irreparably damaged. You are young, you have so much life time left - and you said it yourself: your body is so poor!
So it’s up to you now to change that again and go all in for recovery again. You’ve been there, you know what expects you - and it will be worth it again!
- Vanessa
I'm not even underweight but I have this uncontrollable urge to eat. It feels like I'm binging but I don't think I am I just want to constantly have food and it's all I think about
AN EATING DISORDER IS NOT PRIMARILY ABOUT WEIGHT!
You do deserve recovery, food and repairing damage no matter if you weigh -5 or 200 pounds. Restriction is always harmful and puts your body under so much strain. If you gain, you’re probably not at your set point or you may overshoot a little just to go back at some point without change again (besides remember that more food weighs more and carbs retain a little water so you may experience a non visible gain -> however, throw your scales out)
also read THIS
- Vanessa
