004. Self Care: Mental Health v Emotional Health
Yes. There is a difference.
Mental health encompasses psychological, social, and emotional health - your thoughts, your actions. Symptoms of a mental health problem may include changes to your mood, sleeping patterns, appetite, and chemical dependencies - like alcohol or drugs. It can also be earmarked by a lack of energy.
Emotional health, while a part of mental health is an acknowledgement of your emotions, and how we manage and express those emotions in an appropriate manner. Symptoms of an emotional health problem may include outbursts, over- or under-reacting to various stimuli, and the inability to handle small tasks.
Mental health is where we process information.
Emotional health is how we express the emotions that arise in answer to that process.
The functioning of the brain versus the functioning of the emotions.
You CAN have a hard time with one and the other is fine. You can process information just fine and still have a poor emotional response. You can have the lack of energy that mental stress hands out, but still find the strength emotionally focus on all your tasks for the day. Feelings of sadness or anxiety can be perfectly healthy emotions that cause us to act & react, and protect us from being unprepared.
They are not inclusive. They are not exclusive. They work best together when they are in balance.
While there are medical treatments if one or both are out of balance, I won’t be discussing that here. However, I will say this: If you feel you do have a problem, do not be afraid or ashamed of going to your medical professional for help. Those feelings are likely being caused by those imbalances! You owe it to yourself, no one else, to be your best emotionally & mentally. Please get the help you need.
So, where’s the self-care? What’s this got to do with polyamory?
The Roles of Mental & Emotional Health in Polyamory
I’ll use myself as an example.
I am inherently a believer what is called emotional fidelity. (But you had a girlfriend! A triad! Yes, some shit sneaks up on you. I gladly made that work. I have the ability to maybe date/love again. I currently choose not to. Let’s move on.)
I am inherently emotionally monogamous. What this means is that I can agree with “love one person” and also have ethically non-monogamous sexual relationships with other partners. I also have zero problems with my husband doing the same. I do not feel that polyamory is wrong. I do not feel that emotional monogamy is the one correct way to love. It’s just my personal default setting. That isn’t what this post is about, but I hope it explains some of my emotional thought processes I’ll talk about. It also may help polyamorous partners of monogamous people (mono/poly relationships) understand that thought process a little.
The role of mental health in polyamory is about understanding the FACT of polyamory.
I understand polyamory. I used to say I could write a textbook, but now I’ll just say, I CAN WRITE A BLOG ABOUT IT! In those encompassing mental things mentioned above: I can psychologically understand polyamory. I can see the social aspects of polyamory and how it logistically works and, yes, even benefits society. The FACT is that my husband, partner of 18 years, is polyamorous.
The role of emotional health in polyamory is about PROCESSING all of those facts in an appropriate and healthy way.
It still hurts me a little when he feels deeply for someone else. It also feels amazing, and I love seeing his happiness. It still stings when I can’t depend on him being there every time I turn around. But it feels freeing when he’s not up my behind! LOL! It is still difficult for me to separate my emotions from “You’re my one” and “I’m his one of”.
Mentally, I get it. I am not less than one. They are not less than ones. We are all one of a whole.
Emotionally, there is a... ugh I don’t know. It’s a feeling that I can’t explain. You know that feeling when you’re watching the sad puppy commercial? It’s not your puppy. No one’s gonna take your puppy. But it makes you want to cry anyway? That’s what I feel when I HEAR new news about his polyamorous life. I usually have a startled reaction that shows in my body language that I just. can’t. prevent. Then he’ll hold me to remind me that it’s ok to feel my way, and it’s ok to feel his way. Then I start to relax.
Put me in a situation with them and I get to SEE his polyamorous life, and I feel that exact way for about 30-60 seconds. Sometimes he notices and pulls me in for a quick kiss or rubs my hand… just a reconnect. Then I carry on with whatever is going on. I might occasionally feel like a 5th wheel on a wagon for short bursts, but that usually happens when I have to interrupt their conversation for any reason or occasionally if they’re talking about something cool they did that I didn’t get to do…then I continue with whatever is going on and I’m fine.
I’ve unfortunately never had to face a first date. (Yeah, things have been different with us.) But, I have had to face giving him time to have a private conversation or alone time with a partner (phone, text, messenger, sex, etc). With each new partner, especially when it’s new and he’s having NRE, I have that puppy commercial feeling again. I may or may not cry. He’s having his conversation, and I don’t get to lean on him to make it easier. But I know he’ll be back. Sometimes I’m 100% before he gets back. Sometimes I’m only 50% or 90%. By the way, 90% is the worst. He’ll come back, see the puppy commercial on me, hug me, and bam... waterworks… jerk. Sometimes it sucks when they can read you like a book LOL!
I can only imagine I’ll feel the same way on a first date. The difference in a date is that I will not see or hear what is going on. I will not have that touch or reassurance during or immediately afterwards, and maybe not even that night or that day or that week. I will be responsible for that reassurance and caring for my own emotional responses.
That is self-care.
How to Self-Care & Why It Helps
Self-care is any activity that we deliberately do to care for our emotional, mental, and/or physical well-being. It is also something we frequently overlook. With good self-care, we can improve our mood, decrease anxiety, and feel better overall.
Here is a grossly exaggerated example:
Looking in the mirror, with a disgusted look on my face, I say to myself (and I knew it was me because I was wearing my underwear and… Nevermind. lol), “My hair is a mess. Ugh so greasy. I stink. WHAT is that on my shirt? No wonder they’re dating other people. Why would they want to be home with this?”
Here we see mental health problems: self-contempt, depression; emotional health problems: assumption that their partner doesn’t “want” them; and physical health problems: lack of general hygiene. We can maybe assume that they’re down in the dumps about their partner’s new polyamorous relationship. Maybe their other boyfriend just broke up with them, and their nesting partner had a busy date week planned. Maybe their partner hasn’t gone on a date in weeks, but they’re on a business trip and not home. Maybe they’ve got a newborn, that’s spit up on that shirt, and no one has slept more than 3 hours in the last 3 days. Who knows!?! So many things can cause this self-deprecation. And something that can make us feel better is self-care.
Let’s assume this is you or me. We had this realization while we brushed out teeth. Then we realized that it was time to do something about it. Here are TEN EASY BABY STEPS we can do TONIGHT:
Get a glass of wine or a bottle of beer. Maybe a rum & coke!
Head to the bathroom with your fluffy robe and favorite pjs in hand.
Put on your favorite music.
Brush your hair.
Start the shower and get in.
Scrub your body once and your hair twice. (Don’t even worry about shaving. There’s time later for that!)
Dry off vigorously with your favorite towel, then wrap it all puffy-like on your hair.
Jump in those pjs & put on your robe.
Head back to your bedroom or your favorite spot on the couch- BUT…
Stop in the kitchen to refill your drink and grab a snack first. Mmm snacks!
Now, sit down with your drink, your snack, and the remote and put on that show you’ve been meaning to catch up on for a while. Or stop by your room, grab the top book on your “to read” pile (don’t look, just grab it - this is about ZERO procrastination), put some music on before you sit down with your drink & snack, and just read.
Doesn’t that sound so easy? Isn’t this something we should/could be doing EVERY DAY? Yes, it is. But when we get into those “funks” it’s hard to give even these simple tasks a priority. Sometimes you have that conversation with yourself and instead of taking that shower and cleaning up you grab a spoon and a bucket of ice cream. And you know what? THAT is self-care too. Take one more day to wallow and snack then shower tomorrow. BUT TAKE THAT SHOWER!
Then tomorrow, after your partner has come home and has processed his night, tell them that you need to practice more self-care. TELL THEM. It holds you accountable to yourself. Ask them to take the kids to the park after dinner so you can take another shower alone. Shave your legs this time! It won’t seem like such a chore when you feel a little bit better about yourself. And if this strategy doesn’t work the first time, keep doing it. Keep making yourself get off your ass and take care of yourself. Set an alarm if you have to and take a 5 minute shower. Wash your face. Brush your hair. It will eventually be a part of something you like to do.
Up the ante and next time he’s at the park, go get your nails done. Get a pedicure. Buy a fancy brush, a fluffier or silkier robe, or go walk around the bookstore and get one more book to add to the “to read” pile. Take yourself out for a coffee. Get a subscription to Cosmo. Think about the little things you like that make you happy in small ways. Those small things add up to big self-care.
If you are not into mani/pedis, or it’s no shave November, go watch a movie with your hairy ass face or legs. Go to the coffee house with your book. GO TO THE PUB WITH YOUR BOOK! Eat a pound of fish & chips.
And their next date night: you might be pushing them out the door and locking it behind them so you can go take a bubble bath with Vanilla Ice blasting and a funky green face mask on. (PS. Yeah, dudes… We know you do it too.)
Yours,
Resources utilized in this post:
· https://jeanhailes.org.au/health-a-z/mental-emotional-health/
· https://www.pyramidhealthcarepa.com/pyramid-healthcare-assessment-center/pfbh-assessment-center-blog/what-is-the-difference-between-mental-health-emotional-health/
· https://www.hopetocope.com/blog/mental-health-vs-emotional-health-is-there-a-difference/
© Anne M. Freitas and “Let’s Talk Poly”, 2019. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Anne M. Freitas and “Let’s Talk Poly” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.













