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Day 20 - mmmm

I feel like I have nothing to write about currently, but I feel like I should keep updating. I think I’m gonna start only writing something happens. Yeah. I’ll do that. Today was okay and I’m still tired. -J

Day 19 - hhhh

Tired, very tired. But doing okay. -J

Day 17-18 - Long chats

So old friend was here all of yesterday and I ended up sleeping in her house. It was great, we didn’t do anything for 24 hours except for talk about everything and anything. A lot of it was to do with her mental health, and because she is such a stubborn, strong willed person, you won’t tell anyone about her problems because she thinks it makes her weak. I drilled into her head that asking for help and wanting to help yourself is the strongest thing you can do, and I think she’s taken it onboard. Only problem is now that I am running on 4 hours of sleep and I have to write and Irish essay for tomorrow. This is going to be a loooong evening._. -J

Day 16 - mmm

I don’t like how I'm starting to feel like writing all this is become a chore, but I’m gonna keep going anyways. Got them new glasses glasses today- and I actually feel that I can see again <3 I must have looked like a mad yolk going down through the village, staring at shit and looking around like a lost princess. So glad this week is over, I am extremely tired, but at least an old rekindled friend is coming around tomorrow- so that should be hilarious c: -J

Day 15 - Craft Fair

So today was the craft fair in school I hate to admit it, but I am consumer. I bought a horseshoe for example, because you never know when you’ll get the opportunity to buy another horseshoe. It was all very fun. Went back to Specsavers again, got the eye test again by a more competent guy, and this was the result. Before all of this, I was 0.75 and 0.50 in my eyes. The person last week then said I was 3 and 2, and obviously those glasses wouldn’t work for me when I am in fact, 1 and 0. My right eye has actually gotten rid of the stigmatism. How could that woman get it so off- but apparently she has a history of fucking up so....yeah- getting my new PROPER glasses tomorrow, so yes, good evening c: -J

Day 14 - Play

So the ty play was on today, and I gotta say....it wasn’t great.... But ah sure, I had an alright day apart from when a teacher shut down our drama rehearsal in a really unprofessional and stupid way. There was no need to to embarrass us in front of the entire group, and then send them home. She acted as if we were setting fire to the room or something. But I’m breathing, gonna do homework, go to sleep and dream happier dreams...

-J

Day 13 - Ill

Quick update cause homework and Japanese tests to study for- Stomach was terrible today so I had to take the day off school, and managed to just not...do..anything apart from watching Jessica Jones... So now I am doing homework and all is good so far today. Yes, good day today. Also- getting another eye test on Thursday- mm mm mmmm- let’s have at it.

Day 12 - The Wrong Glasses

Sooooooooooooo the prescription that I was given in my new glasses are really really wrong. As in, everything is more blurred than just my normal eyes... which is really disappointing. I feel guilty though, as if I tested wrong or something but I know this is not my fault. The person who was serving me was like, don’t worry about it, give it some time, and I tried to tell them on 3 separate occasions that there was noway I could see out of them, so mom is gonna come with me tomorrow and get them done again. In the middle of a homework mountain too which is horrible. Ay- still improving on piano though heh heh heh. -J

Day 11 - Friends

I was at a friend's birthday today where everyone knew everyone else and I only knew a couple. I guess it really hit me that you want have the same friends all through your life, and it made me pretty sad. Like, I feel like some of my friends have outgrown me, like I'm no longer needed, but I still need them. And I can feel my friend group splitting up while I'm desperately trying to stick it all back together. I feel helpless. And all I want to do is cry.

Day 10 - short one

No time to write. Currently babysitting. Today I got all my Christmas shopping done and watched a lot of buffy. Progress on piano. Very excited and tired. Boop boop

Day 9 - Yeah

So I’m super tired and I don’t know if I’m gonna write too much- gonna finish this up, play a little piano, and watch Buffy and everything will be good. Today I felt appreciated- wanted. And I thinks it’s my new favourite feeling. In drama, we were splitting up the group into smaller groups for a 5 minute play, and 3 little girls came over and said they want to be the group I go with; and I was so happy. Ecstatic. I know my sense of humour isn’t for everyone, because I’m not really funny, but 7 - 10 year olds love it;D So yeah, that was a great feeling. I think I may have lost confidence in my humour because of a certain person, so I’m telling myself I’m bloody hilarious, and I think it’s working. Dad is sick and it breaks my heart, especially knowing that he won’t get a day off until Christmas Day, and they Boxing Day he’s working again. I would have loved to take both Mom AND him to You Never Can Tell, but he doesn’t have time._. I wish he had a different job. Alas, I did have a good day, but I’m wrecked after this looooong week. -J

Song of today: Ludovico Einaudi - Fly - Intouchables Piano Cover https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H8JvtcuXOLk

Day 8 - You Never Can Tell

Omijesus. How can I even think straight right now? Let's see what I can put down before midnight. So, I've come back from watching You Never Can Tell in the Abbey Theatre and bloody hell was it amazing. Absolutely perfect- I can't find a single fault; not that I want to! I'll describe it all more in detail tomorrow because it's super late now and I've got classes tomorrow but I have to say that with each play I watch, the more my suspicions are confirmed that I want to be an actor. Before that I was in an old friends house and I loved that too c: Uggghjhdsglbfes yes. Today was an amazing day:D -J

Day 7 - Tired

I feel very drained today, probably withdrawal symptoms from not have chocolate;_; Yeah, just mentally done with the week already, but I’m gonna keep going. Today was our first real casting-finished, get-your-ass-in-gear, kinda day. And two people how have pretty needed character just...didn’t show up. Like, what part of it’s really important that everyone shows up to rehearsal each week, don’t they understand??? But the rest of rehearsals didn’t go bad. I can see how having roles is important because I’m supposed to be director right, and the writer and producer are too heavily involved in the dramatics of it all...and it’s getting annoying. Too many cooks spoil the broth right? Now, I wouldn’t call myself a feminist but I think I may be... Today we were moving table out of room and one girl said isn’t this a job for the boys?....Like seriously? Are you being for real right now. Now, this isn’t exactly a girl a like, and there aren’t very many people I don’t like. So I openly respond with, Or you know, any person with moderate strength? To which I then follow with me lifting a table and bringing it out of the room. *These past few days seem to be contain a lot of “now I wouldn’t normally do this.”* But I wouldn’t normally do this, like, throw my 2 pence into things, but this really got my goat. Like, why is this a job for boys? Are you saying girls are incapable of simply carrying things?- or is it just you being lazy? Okay okay, enough rants about stupid things. Pilates happened in the sixth hour this morning. It was horrible. But I will keep going even though my back it terrible and I feel it does nothing. This sounds like I had a bad day, but it was actually an okay day...I got to administer insulin to my diabetic friend and take her bloods cause she has broken arm. I love her too much that twat. I am very much looking forward to sleep, so sweet dreams and lets hope tomorrow goes as planned. -J

Song of today: My Brightest Diamond - I Have Never Loved Someone https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u1p9kj-odnU

Day 6 - Candles

TODAY IS THE FIRST OF DECEMBER - AND YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?! I have 21 days to tone up as much as possible so that I can achieve my self confidence level for that red dress. And I also really need to get fitter, so the dress is more of a motivator. Obviously I’m gonna keep up the eating like a real human being and moving around like one should, well after the next 21 days. I am determined. In saying that though, I’ve tried this at least 17 other times... but this will be my time - I will succeed. So obviously, today started off with a healthy half a can of prunes. Thank you to my digestive system for meriting that. I think actually putting an effort into making food for myself instead of grabbing whatever is in the cupboards that's packaged actually gives you a sense of fulfillment and makes me somewhat ready to face the day. Do you ever get the feeling when you get out of bed and say, I can’t wait for tonight so I can go to bed again...? That’s been happening quite often but I think I should need more sleep. Especially if I’m going to have to wake up at 6:25am to exercise before school. I know I swore to never do pilates, but the time has come where I must- I pray to you gods of exercise, be kind to me, I haven’t practiced your teachings in...a while. *This next bit won’t make sense but ah sure* Why did you have to include me in that story- in front of the whole class? It didn’t even add to the point you were trying to make- and then everyone went ooooh; so cute, and inside I whimpered slightly, not because I’m shy/embarrassed because of our classmates, but because that story was from when we were together and ugh like, salt- in wounds; heard of it? But nevertheless you did I really good presentation and I’m glad I can call myself your friend, even if I get a little angsty about some things to do with you, I’m glad we’re on good terms and that I have all the amazing friends I do have to help me when I get odd. This all went really of tangent. Lastly, candles are my new thing and I love them. That is all. -J Song of today: Panic! At The Disco - That Green Gentleman https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3f3K2sEHuIM

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Day 5 - Glasses

Let me start by saying, periods are really fucking shitty and I want to rip out everything in that region. *Thank you Val for the drugs; you are a beautiful human being.* In other news, went to the student counselor and learned that I spread myself too thin with all the things I do for the school, my own studies, my job, and counselor to my friends, that I don’t spend enough time working on myself and being kind to me, that when I fall into the sad, I have no energy to bring myself back up and am still focusing on everything else in my life. On a side note, there is one particular friend who complains about her life and how shit everything pretty much 90% of the time she talks to me. Now, I would normally actively listen and give advice and all that, but I’ve realised that all she really wants to do is wallow in self-pity and not do anything about it. Like, I can’t spend all this energy on someone who doesn’t want to help themselves. As in, I understand that some of the stuff in her life is really shit and she can’t do anything to change it, but there is SO much she can do to help herself and make life easier, but she doesn’t really seem to want to; and I just don’t understand. So I’ve decided to take a step back from trying to help her, and just listen and agree- which makes me feel terrible but I really can’t do anything more because she really isn’t taking anything onboard. When I got out of counseling and back to English class, the person who I don’t like for reasons was sitting in my seat. Now, on the average day when I’m not full of emotions and hormones and being fresh out of a emotional spillage counselling session, I would be fine. But today, I was too angry for what it really was. She said sorry and offered to move as I collected my stuff from the desk, but I smiled my sweetest passive aggressive smile and said it was fine, and moved to a chair close by. Yeah I really shouldn’t have gotten to pissed but ah sure, thats how I felt. And finally, I got my eyes tested for the first time in 2 years and like I thought, my glasses prescription needs to be a whole lot higher than what it is. So at least now I’ll be able to see thing properly woop woop. I can already tell I’m going to look back on these at these and cringe at my stupid 17 year old self. Like, I’m legally an adult next November. And I act like a 2 year old and write like a 12 year old. And I’m too angsty. Good luck trying to grow out this future me. -J Song of today: Panic! At The Disco - Emperor’s New Clothes https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7qFF2v8VsaA

Day 4 - Painting

This morning started off pretty terribly because the heating was on and I couldn’t really wake myself up, so I was in the state of semi-aware consciousness but still kind of sleeping and so I couldn’t will myself to get out of the covers and get air...so yeah not the nicest start to the day. The car was leaving 20 minutes later to so I had to become Sonic if I had any hope of going Christmas shopping. Now, I don't know why, but I just really am not into Christmas. It’s like a sour taste in my mouth, I guess that’s how I can really describe it. Now, it wasn’t always like that and I know that it used to be my favourite time of the year, but I guess it’s kinda lost the magic I once saw it and now feels like this tedious action that gets dragged on a little too long each year. I also hate shopping, even if it is for other people...so I was more looking for materials to make things as presents for my people. Alas, I didn’t find what I was looking for. Sunday tradition meant Granny was joining us for dinner which is always the highlight of my weekend. I’m going to have to dedicate a whole post about her because I don’t have the time to describe just how amazing her personality is and the general loveliness that is my Granny. One thing she never fails to bring with her each week is a stupid joke and some good advice. Today's joke was; “I went to the corner shop. And I bought four corners....Was that too corny?” Her deliverance, I think, really makes it because she doesn’t really pause, but rather says it all in one breath so you have to think about it for a second before you get it. She complemented my fingers too, saying they were piano fingers, which makes me feel a false sense of warm-fuzzy feeling about my hands because, anyone who has seen them know they are blocky and bents in all different direction. They basically look like each one has gotten caught in a car door. She does try to make you smile. This evening I am painting the landscape of a photo she loves as her Christmas surprise present. I think on my top 10 things that makes me feel completely at ease and happy so, that's good for the emotion happy levels. Yeah. Good day today. -J

Song of today: She - Dodie Clark https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vpg3gtwepSs

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Day 3 - Dusting my home

RI woke up this morning and decided cleaning was a priority. This normally makes me great and like I have some kind of structure and meaning in life. I don’t know what it is about putting all of my coppers into one place instead of 5 that makes me feel extremely fulfilled, but it does. Yesterday evening, like every Friday evening, merited a visit to Nanny and Grandad’s House. I feel like I have to get louder and more energetic with each visit. The loudness is for Nanny with her one half functioning ear, and the enthusiastic energeticness is for Grandad. Ever since he was put on the oxygen tank a few weeks ago; or really 1 or 2 years ago, he isn’t as cheery and having a want to talk. You kind of have to force him into conversation- but once you get him going, he becomes happier and more talkative; you just gotta give him a little push. He doesn’t talk as much though anyway now because of his breathing, but even if he only does say three things to us each week, he never fails to ask my about my “troop”. That being the drama club I helped set up and teach. And he really does seem interested when I talk about; like there’s a little spark behind his eyes, and that makes me feel more special than anything. It’s weird how I’m only noticing now that- as I get older and become more capable of doing things; my grandparents get older too, but less capable of doing things. While I’m learning how to truly master public transport, they require wheelchairs and scooters. They talk a little more, while they talk a little less. Now, this is all extremely obvious to everybody else I presume, but I’m only getting that now. Yeah this started off as a much brighter post and slowly wound its way into a little sadder, slightly darker, but slightly quasi-profound one- yeah not really. But ah sure, let's not dwell, and get back to some work. Oh- and it rained today; definitely a plus. -J Song of today: HomeHomeHome - Rob Scallon https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h8mVl2aF5Go

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