Feb 21, 2018
In other thoughts, black empire is not a solution to white supremacy, colonialism, inequality in general, or the wounds of history #themasterstools #letstrysomethingelse
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In other thoughts, black empire is not a solution to white supremacy, colonialism, inequality in general, or the wounds of history #themasterstools #letstrysomethingelse
Day 6 - Candles
TODAY IS THE FIRST OF DECEMBER - AND YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?! I have 21 days to tone up as much as possible so that I can achieve my self confidence level for that red dress. And I also really need to get fitter, so the dress is more of a motivator. Obviously I’m gonna keep up the eating like a real human being and moving around like one should, well after the next 21 days. I am determined. In saying that though, I’ve tried this at least 17 other times... but this will be my time - I will succeed. So obviously, today started off with a healthy half a can of prunes. Thank you to my digestive system for meriting that. I think actually putting an effort into making food for myself instead of grabbing whatever is in the cupboards that's packaged actually gives you a sense of fulfillment and makes me somewhat ready to face the day. Do you ever get the feeling when you get out of bed and say, I can’t wait for tonight so I can go to bed again...? That’s been happening quite often but I think I should need more sleep. Especially if I’m going to have to wake up at 6:25am to exercise before school. I know I swore to never do pilates, but the time has come where I must- I pray to you gods of exercise, be kind to me, I haven’t practiced your teachings in...a while. *This next bit won’t make sense but ah sure* Why did you have to include me in that story- in front of the whole class? It didn’t even add to the point you were trying to make- and then everyone went ooooh; so cute, and inside I whimpered slightly, not because I’m shy/embarrassed because of our classmates, but because that story was from when we were together and ugh like, salt- in wounds; heard of it? But nevertheless you did I really good presentation and I’m glad I can call myself your friend, even if I get a little angsty about some things to do with you, I’m glad we’re on good terms and that I have all the amazing friends I do have to help me when I get odd. This all went really of tangent. Lastly, candles are my new thing and I love them. That is all. -J Song of today: Panic! At The Disco - That Green Gentleman https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3f3K2sEHuIM
Day 4 - Painting
This morning started off pretty terribly because the heating was on and I couldn’t really wake myself up, so I was in the state of semi-aware consciousness but still kind of sleeping and so I couldn’t will myself to get out of the covers and get air...so yeah not the nicest start to the day. The car was leaving 20 minutes later to so I had to become Sonic if I had any hope of going Christmas shopping. Now, I don't know why, but I just really am not into Christmas. It’s like a sour taste in my mouth, I guess that’s how I can really describe it. Now, it wasn’t always like that and I know that it used to be my favourite time of the year, but I guess it’s kinda lost the magic I once saw it and now feels like this tedious action that gets dragged on a little too long each year. I also hate shopping, even if it is for other people...so I was more looking for materials to make things as presents for my people. Alas, I didn’t find what I was looking for. Sunday tradition meant Granny was joining us for dinner which is always the highlight of my weekend. I’m going to have to dedicate a whole post about her because I don’t have the time to describe just how amazing her personality is and the general loveliness that is my Granny. One thing she never fails to bring with her each week is a stupid joke and some good advice. Today's joke was; “I went to the corner shop. And I bought four corners....Was that too corny?” Her deliverance, I think, really makes it because she doesn’t really pause, but rather says it all in one breath so you have to think about it for a second before you get it. She complemented my fingers too, saying they were piano fingers, which makes me feel a false sense of warm-fuzzy feeling about my hands because, anyone who has seen them know they are blocky and bents in all different direction. They basically look like each one has gotten caught in a car door. She does try to make you smile. This evening I am painting the landscape of a photo she loves as her Christmas surprise present. I think on my top 10 things that makes me feel completely at ease and happy so, that's good for the emotion happy levels. Yeah. Good day today. -J
Song of today: She - Dodie Clark https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vpg3gtwepSs
Day 3 - Dusting my home
RI woke up this morning and decided cleaning was a priority. This normally makes me great and like I have some kind of structure and meaning in life. I don’t know what it is about putting all of my coppers into one place instead of 5 that makes me feel extremely fulfilled, but it does. Yesterday evening, like every Friday evening, merited a visit to Nanny and Grandad’s House. I feel like I have to get louder and more energetic with each visit. The loudness is for Nanny with her one half functioning ear, and the enthusiastic energeticness is for Grandad. Ever since he was put on the oxygen tank a few weeks ago; or really 1 or 2 years ago, he isn’t as cheery and having a want to talk. You kind of have to force him into conversation- but once you get him going, he becomes happier and more talkative; you just gotta give him a little push. He doesn’t talk as much though anyway now because of his breathing, but even if he only does say three things to us each week, he never fails to ask my about my “troop”. That being the drama club I helped set up and teach. And he really does seem interested when I talk about; like there’s a little spark behind his eyes, and that makes me feel more special than anything. It’s weird how I’m only noticing now that- as I get older and become more capable of doing things; my grandparents get older too, but less capable of doing things. While I’m learning how to truly master public transport, they require wheelchairs and scooters. They talk a little more, while they talk a little less. Now, this is all extremely obvious to everybody else I presume, but I’m only getting that now. Yeah this started off as a much brighter post and slowly wound its way into a little sadder, slightly darker, but slightly quasi-profound one- yeah not really. But ah sure, let's not dwell, and get back to some work. Oh- and it rained today; definitely a plus. -J Song of today: HomeHomeHome - Rob Scallon https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h8mVl2aF5Go
Day 2 - Rain for my happiness
So, it’s raining today and I love it. I’ve always loves the rain; whether that springs from childhood when we would be dropped to school in a warm car instead of the usual walk, or when the noise of the rain hitting any and all surfaces is soul consuming, or the fact that everybody around me hates the rain, I don’t know, but it makes me so happy. Good thing I live somewhere where it rains a considerable amount. Today was okay, I’m still getting pangs of jealousy when some people talk to a certain person, which is a shitty feeling and I don’t like that I have it, but I will never let that jealousy motivate any of my actions or cause me to behave a certain way. I name the feeling, accept that it’s there, and move on with my life. I’m glad I can do that, but that still doesn’t lessen the pain. I know I’ll get over it all eventually and move on and look back at now and think, wow- that was a silly point in my life- But right now, I’m living through it and I know I’ll be okay. I tell myself I’m better of now and all that jazz but yeah- it sucks. And I vowed to myself when school started that I wouldn’t do any of those silly school relationships because the likelihood of it actually lasting is extremely small and you’ll get hurt in the end, but I don’t regret it, because I really did have a great time and I feel like I learned a lot about myself and the character of others. And that sometimes you should just say sorry even if it isn’t your fault; but don’t do that every time, because that just harms you in the end and it’s really not worth it. I guess it was all a little toxic and it wouldn’t have worked out anyway in the end, but I still miss him; even though I see him almost everyday and we are still good friends and the breakup was mutual, I miss the closeness that we once had if anything. But yes, I know I will be okay and this is just a chapter in my life and yaddayaddayadda. Ah sure, it’ll all be grand. -J Song of today: Panic! At The Disco - Northern Downpour https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zouSojyIi94
The first of many I hope
Right okay let’s start this thing. While walking home in an incredibly sad and moody fashion, I thought fuck it, let’s make a blog where I can write all my shit down instead of bottling it all up and breaking down in the middle of classes, streets, in possible fields, other people’s houses, at 3 in the morning, while drinking my coffee- really anywhere. I don’t particularly like that so let’s try something else. I’m gonna write whatever I want in the attempt to make myself feel better; hey, it may even improve my not-so-imaginative imagination. Like right now, I’ve got millions of ideas that I want to put on this thing but like, I don’t have an hour right now, nevermind continuous days with no sleep to do all that spewing out of words. I actually feel better just typing. Which I did not expect whatsoever. The whole day was sulking and random high pitched squeals of humour. My nearest and dearest really don’t know what to think at this point and neither do I. It’s almost laughable. I say almost because the sulking is a product of- what my friends, and the student counsellor are telling me could very well be depression. Which is not laughable. In the slightest. But I don’t want to believe that for whatever reason. Everyone has bad days and I’m just having more than most I guess. Maybe I’m in denial. But ah sure, I’ll be okay; and I know writing this will help- I feel it! So yes imaginary person, look forward to more word vomit from yours truly, -J Song of today: Down - Dodie Clark https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7RiJeswrEbw