Letters To Arden

My letters to Arden Cho

[letters-to-arden]

Dear Arden,

It’s been a while. 

Rachel unfriended me today. Well... Maybe not today but I found it today.

 Don’t get me wrong. I’m glad and I wouldn’t change it. It’s better this way. I was going to do it anyway, once I talked to Monica for advice. 

It’s just so final. I mean... She was toxic to me in and out. I’m glad it’s done. 

But the good times are montaging in my head and I can’t, don’t even want to, stop it. Because this is goodbye. really and truly goodbye. Thirteen years gone in three months.

It’s sad. It’s good, but it’s sad. 

I’m going to be okay. This is for the best. I’m happier than I have been in so long. 

Thank you, Arden. For being here.

Love,

Pam

PS I can’t wait for Kira’s episode. I miss Teen Wolf.

[letters-to-arden]

Dear Arden,

I'm sorry I've been so silent. I started school two days ago. It's amazing. Film school is more than what I thought it would be. I literally don't have words for the hope it gives me. Love, Pam PS I missed you in Teen Wolf! I love you and Kira!

[letters-to-arden]

Dear Arden,

I'm really... I need to get better about writing you every day. I'm so depressed right now. Money's tight but I have all these things I have to do and I don't know how to make it work. I am so mad at Rachel. I am so angry and hurt that she didn't have the courage and the respect to talk to me. I'm just so angry. And I'm hurt. Watching Teen wolf last night was so painful. I mean this show is my escape I love the characters so much. But on top of hurting for Scott and Stiles, it was hard watching their breakup because I've been there. Recently. And it sucks. She still expects me to be excited about her engagement and her life and I just want to say "at the very least give me time and space." But I can't because she can tear me down better and faster than anyone. I'm still scared of her and that makes me so angry. Love, Pam PS I missed you on Teen Wolf! And I hope you had a wonderful birthday. I'm virtually hugging you. Thank you so much.

[letters-to-arden]

Dear Arden,

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
I hope it was a great one! You deserve it! 
Happy birthday!
Love,
Pam PS I really appreciate everything you’ve done for me. I hope your day was amazing

[letters-to-arden]

Dear Arden,

So I almost lost my phone today at the zoo and had a panic attack. My niece calmed me down. Just being responsible for the ten month year old for a couple minutes helps. My sister was very smart in that. Thank you so much for helping me through everything. I'm starting to get a little sadder about Rachel even though I know it's for the best. Love, Pam PS Happy early birthday

[letters-to-arden]

Dear Arden,

Ugh, I got drunk for the first time last night. It was fun. But at the same time like I'm so tired and icky today so it is definitely not worth it. Bah. Oh well. I'm going to bed soon cu I just can't stay up! Sooo tired. Love, Pam PS You're so talented! Also can you believe we both have birthdays coming up?

[letters-to-arden]

Dear Arden,

Rachel is killing me. She hasn't said anything really but she keeps trying to talk to me. Not a whole lot but some- more than I want. I just need time to adjust first. She literally did the thing that she knew scared me the most and then hid behind our friend instead of respecting me enough to tell me. I don't want to fix it I just want to stop hurting you know? Love, Pam PS Oh my gosh Kira is amazing and killing me! She can't leave! And your performance was AMAZING!

[letters-to-arden]

Dear Arden,

Not much happened today. But Sonya let me talk about Teen Wolf to her and she contributed. And she watched my fanvids. I love those moments. Love, Pam PS Thanks for being a part of this show

[letters-to-arden]

Dear Arden,

I love my family so much. I miss them and i am so glad that I get to spend time with them now. I might go to Disneyland with my brother's family sometime soon! That would be so cool! A road trip with them? Amazing! Seriously my siblings are all so amazing. I don't even know what I would do without them. They're just... Wow. We all balance each other out so well too. Sonya is rational, smart, collected. Micheal is real, funny, honest. Taylor is kind, funny, sarcastic. I'm... I don't even know exactly how to describe it but I fit in well with them! Love, Pam PS I love being able to talk to you.

[letters-to-arden]

Dear Arden,

I'm sooo tired oh my gosh. So last night my friend and I went to Prescott and it was a lot of fun. Turns out we always thought we had nothing in common but had everything in common. We were both in emotionally abusive relationships. We both still are recovering. Anyway. I went to my sisters and my car broke down but we'll fix it. I'm in the guest room now. Love, Pam PS So sorry. I'm too exhausted to keep going. But I love you Arden. You're amazing

[letters-to-arden]

Dear Arden,

I miss her. I don't want to miss Rachel but I do. She abused me and hurt me and still SHE was the one who ended it and called me annoying and "couldn't deal with the tears" of telling me how she felt herself. I'm the one with the wounds. I'm the one with the reason to end it. Why does she get to? I am so mad. And I am so hurt. And I'm starting to get sad. This will end. The pain is worth it. I do still feel better. I'll hang in there. I'm think I'm going to get a tattoo. To represent my rebirth. Love, Pam PS Kira is so under appreciated and I am so glad she's getting attention this season!

[letters-to-arden]

Dear Arden,

So Monica and I talked a lot last night about Rachel. And basically it boiled down to a very hard realization: Rachel was abusive to me. She emotionally and verbally abused me over the last six years. It was to the point where I cried when I knocked over a cup of water at my neighbor's house because I thought I'd be mocked for it badly. What is that? And now that she doesn't need me she's done with me. Really? Wow. I guess the reason she mediated through Monica was "I just don't want to deal with the tears." Well Rachel can screw herself. Tears? Really? You want tears? How about when you called me sobbing because your sister was being awful? Or when you called me crying because your dad yelled? Or when you called me crying because a boyfriend dumped you? How about when I drove to your house after hours because you asked me to pick you up cuz you were fighting with you family? Or when I came over at midnight cuz you felt depressed, never mind that I did too? How about the fact that you were too balless to be honest with me and instead strung me along for a while? And let's consider that you're engaged and you told me hours later through text tonight. And the fact that I hardly care because of all the pain from you. Rachel... Rachel used to be my best friend Arden. But she was poisonous. And I'm sick of it. And I'm breaking free. 7-31-15 will be the date I was freed. I am not blaming all my problems on her but I am upset with her. I'll forgive her. I'll still miss her. I do miss her. This is so hard. I... I hate that I fell in this pit. But I will never be bullied again. I will never be afraid of someone in my life. Never. Love, Pam PS Thanks for letting me get it out. I'm realizing a lot the more I talk about her. I'm finally starting to feel pain which means I'm healing. PSS I can't wait to see Teen Wolf tomorrow. PSSS Happy early birthday doll

[letters-to-arden]

Dear Arden,

I'm super exhausted. It's extremely late again. So I'm going to go to bed and I'll fill you in tomorrow. Monica and I talked a lot. Love, Pam PS Thanks for Don't Run. I love that song. It's given me strength.

[letters-to-arden]

Dear Arden,

I talked to Rachel today. well, through Monica. It's weird. Like so weird. We agreed to be normal friends, not co dependent and not attached at the hip. It's for the best but... Oh my gosh it hurts. I'm okay. I'm good. I'm proud of myself. But it's sad. It's like the Fox and the Hound. I keep replaying memories and I will miss her so much. She's still in my life but it's all different. She promised this wouldn't happen but it has. I guess it really is for the best. I'll be okay. Love, Pam PS Thank you. All I could think earlier was that I was excited to write to you.

[letters-to-arden]

Dear Arden,

I'm exhausted but I'm good. I slept better last night than I have in a long time. I'm proud of myself. I've been handling all of this really well. Thank you Arden. I hope these don't annoy you. Writing to you is really wonderful. Love, Pam PS I hope you know how wonderful and important you are.

[letters-to-arden]

Dear Arden,

Rachel hasn't talked to me all day. I don't think she's mad. I just... I think she thinks it's time for us to grow apart. That's so hard. I'm managing to stay happy but we've been attached at the hip since we were eight years old. That's a really long time. I mean... I'll be 21 in a month. Oh my gosh. Will she even wish me happy birthday? She will, right? I mean she has to. At least something.... We can still be friends right? Even if we're not as close? Oh, Arden, I don't know what's happening. And it scares me. I have to accept that I am not in control of my life. I never knew how important that was to me before. I'm so scared. But I'm also oddly at peace. Things will work out. They have to work out. I'll be okay. I'm going to make it. I'm going to get my FMA. I'm going to make my life. Things will work out. Honestly I'm shocked at how well in holding together. This is new. Usually I would be having a panic attack right now. But at the most I'm tearing up. I do give you credit for some of this. It's you, God, my parents, Monica, and my friends in the fandom. These five things... These five things are so important to me. Thank you. Thank you for helping me find out that I'm strong after all. Love, Pam PS Thank you. I can never say it enough.

[letters-to-arden]

Dear Arden,

So... I don't know how I feel tonight. Weird. Sad. Anxious. And yet... Yet... Happy. Truly happy. And the answer is that I'm with my friends that I made through tumblr, through this show. My best friend since the third grade is ignoring me and blowing me off for her boyfriend and I'm not a crying mess. I'm doing okay. But I am sad. I don't understand what I did to deserve this. I know I'm not perfect but I've been trying to be the best friend I could be. I don't know. I feel like my life is spinning out of control. But I do have constants. Like my parents. And Teen wolf. And this fandom. I don't know what I'll do come hiatus. Anyway... I'll make it. Love, Pam PS Thank you for this. Talking to you is amazing. I really look up to you.