Well, I’ve gotten an ask and message requesting a basic rundown so might as well make an informational post!
Before I go any further, I want to be very clear that I wish to separate the soulmate/twin flame concept from my actual beliefs about what the soul is and how it works. I also want to explain some of the assumptions this concept makes.
Twin flame theory aligns heavily with the idea of karmic debt, that is, experiences and emotions one must resolve and knowledge one must gain in order to reach some form of purity, enlightenment, or spiritual ascension. This also means those who believe in twin flames typically believe in reincarnation. (I will note that I do believe in reincarnation) It is often believed that one’s twin flame does not change between incarnations, and thus one may have past lives with their twin flame.
I wish to back up even further and go into the concept of karma. Karma comes from the Sanskrit karman which just means “act” or “action.” When we think of “karma” as good begetting good and bad begetting bad, even across incarnations, this follows the concept in Hinduism and Buddhism. (as karma is not a uniform concept across Indian religions; e.g. Jainism puts quite a different meaning to it) The idea that we are born with moral benefits or debts and lessons we must learn is not exclusive to Indian religions. For example, Nordic tradition has a somewhat similar concept of orlog where the actions of one’s ancestors affect one’s fate and moral debts that must be paid. (as part of the soul is inherited from one’s parents) Even in a secular understanding, I was recently introduced to the concept of intergenerational trauma where the trauma of one’s family or community is “passed down.” (the classic idea of children repeating their parents’ mistakes in their own family)
All of this discussion is to say that cross-culturally, spiritually, and non-spiritually there is an understanding that we are born with/inherit weaknesses and wrongs to be righted, as well as develop our own through our actions, and a goal is to break negative cycles. As I go forward in discussing twin flames, this is what I take to be the central focus.
As someone who believes that, if there is an afterlife, there must be many afterlifes for the various death gods, I will not be claiming here that this is a universally applicable concept. I will not claim that a twin flame is literally the other half of your soul or consciousness. Instead, twin flame describes a pattern seen in a specific type of fated relationships.
The term “twin flame” is a New Age spiritual term used to designate a person who is, essentially, your soul’s “other half.” Twin flames are built on the idea that one has many soulmates but only one twin flame. “Soulmate” here is essentially a fated relationship where two people come into each other’s lives to teach an important lesson and grow as people. When twin flames meet, they naturally go through intense emotional/spiritual evolution together. The twin flame relationship revolves around breaking cycles and erasing spiritual debts.
The idea that our soul has “another half” is a fairly old concept, dating all the way back to Plato’s time. Additionally, one could say that the idea of two individuals being halves of a whole is reflected in the divine feminine and masculine in Hindu gods and especially in Tantric traditions. However, note that twin flames do not need to be one male and one female nor romantic or sexual partners, although it seems like being romantic partners is fairly common. Whatever role a twin flame plays in your life, your dynamic with your twin flame will be complex and multifaceted: they may be a best friend, mentor, partner-in-crime, and more all at once.
As I phrased twin flames as a relationship pattern, I feel it appropriate to explain it as a pattern instead of concrete “stages”.
Initial Contact, Initial Spark: The first step is, of course, meeting the person. There is something special or different about this meeting. Both people feel an attraction towards the other, a completely random sense that this person is important, etc. The meetings themselves may be dramatic; my first few times of running into my twin flame were right out of a teenage romcom.
Perfect Meshing: Once you’ve met, one of the first things you’re likely to notice is how well the two of you go together. There might be intense romantic feelings. You may find that you can spend hours together and barely notice, that you share many interests and values, and that there is an understanding of and compassion for each other despite being mere acquaintances. As the relationship deepens, you’ll become more and more aware of how you complement the other, especially in your strengths and weaknesses.
Deep Emotional Cleansing: A “honeymoon” phase probably won’t last long. Your twin flame is like an emotional salt bath; get ready to feel all your wounds. Being with your twin flame will force you to confront trauma, karmic debt, and character flaws alike. This may be via a reflection of insecurities, like a person who struggles with self-worth having a confident twin flame. This may be by mutual greatest weaknesses. For example, if one has commitment issues, the other may have abandonment issues. The negative habits of one inflame the other.
Clearly, this friction will lead to pain and fights. I felt like I was dying for basically all of the first month I knew my twin flame as I confronted past pain. An important thing to remember is that twin flame fighting always ends with a greater understanding of oneself and the other, apologies, and forgiveness. These are not conflicts that beget more cyclic fighting and blame. If you and a partner are fighting without growing from it or the fighting builds more and more resentment towards each other, this is not a healthy (or a twin flame) relationship.
Running and Chasing: Soon after the first conflict, you’re likely to begin to realize your roles as Runner and Chaser. Usually I see guides discussing how the Runner is the less emotionally mature one and runs from the intensity of the relationship while the Chaser is more mature, but I believe this is problematic as it inclines the Chaser to self-reflect less. The distinction is this: the Runner will deal with their emotions by retreating inwards and/or distancing themself from the relationship while the Chaser will deal with their emotions by seeking the Runner and leaning further into the relationship.
Understand that both the Runner and Chaser are motivated by fear and a desire to avoid their issues. The Chaser’s avoidance is just more subtle as they are doing it via the Runner’s validation and affection.
Mutual Healing: More important than any fighting is the mutual healing in the relationship. Your twin flame will help you become the better person you didn’t know you could be. You may have previously believed that it was impossible to heal alongside someone, that you needed to improve yourself alone, or that you were unready for or unworthy of love, but your twin flame will show you how wrong you are. This is because just as your twin flame perfectly complement your weaknesses, they also complement your strengths. A person who struggles to express how they feel may have a twin flame that’s great at healthy conversation and can help them improve. Twin flames may also have similar issues and find that, through relating their experiences and struggles, they are able to find hope and ways forward.
Separation: When you meet your twin flame, you will not be spending every moment of the rest of your lives together. There will be periods of separation. This is often said as a negative thing, but know that it is necessary for growth. Both the Runner and the Chaser need time to reflect on their unhealthy habits with and without the other. The Chaser needs to be able to sustain themself without the Runner and the Runner needs to be able to recognize and address their issues, especially issues within the twin flame relationship, without the prompting of the Chaser.
Reunion: Eventually, the two will likely return to a desire to have a part, or a larger part, in each other’s lives and reunite. With the emotional growth they underwent during the separation, the two will be more in sync and experience less frequent conflict. Note that there may be multiple instances of separation and reunion. Additionally, it is likely the cleansing and healing will continue for a long period of time, if not for the whole relationship.
Unification and Ascension?: Many guides refer to the final stage of twin flame relationships as a sort of enlightenment in which the two join happily in mind and spirit and experience little to no conflict going forward. Personally, I find it hard to believe that any human dynamic can get to a point where there is forever little to no conflict. Additionally, the idea of “ascension” also raises the question of what, exactly, one is ascending to. Different guides have different theories, but I will not push any of them. I assume that it will be a few more decades until I can say confidently what ascension might look like.
The Unhealthy Presentation of Twin Flames
A lot of the articles I’ve read on twin flames over-romanticize the experience and set up your twin flame as “The One,” that amazing person you’ve been looking for your whole life and never knew you could find. And yes, meeting your twin flame is amazing and comes with love, satisfaction, and a sense of fulfillment, but guess what? Meeting your twin flame is not some super-happy-fun time. Working through years (even lifetimes!) of pain with someone is a lot of emotional labor. And on the topic of “The One,” understand that, realistically, one person will never entirely fulfill your needs. Part of getting to a place of less conflict with your twin flame will likely involve accepting this fact.
A lot of people mistake other sorts of fated or soul relationships for that perfect “other half,” their twin flame. Remember that a twin flame relationship can be recognized by the intense cleansing that both parties undergo. My twin flame and I have had many, many conversation where we’ve just marveled at how uncannily well we hit each other’s weak spots. How on paper we should’ve been a disaster together but instead fundamentally changed the other for the better.
However, understand that soulmate relationships aren’t less valuable than a twin flame one. In fact, a soulmate may make a better life partner than a twin flame due to the pain included in a twin flame relationship.
Twin Flames vs Abusive Relationships
Another important distinction I want to draw is between a twin flame relationship and an unhealthy relationship. A huge part of a twin flame relationship is mutuality of compassion, understanding, and a desire to have the other in one’s life. The “Chaser” shouldn’t be forcing themself into the life of the “Runner” or guilt-tripping or gas-lighting the “Runner” to keep them around. And, as mentioned above, the fighting and pain should bring change and healing. Do not fall prey to thinking an overbearing and abusive relationship is a beautiful, spiritual experience.
I hope this guide was helpful!
