letters in the dark

I'm learning, loving, and living as best as I can. this is a place for me to spill my soul and heal, when I need too. if anyone ever needs to talk, needs a friend, I've been there, And I'm here for you.

[letterspastmidnight]

TW: EATING DISORDER REFERENCE.

I fall in and out of love with Ana. There are days she consumes my waking thoughts, and my unconscious ones as well. Days she whispers, low and sultry, in my ear about numbers, and skipping meals, and “just think how lovely you’ll be, when you’ve truly listened to me”

But there are days when I’ve managed to silence her demands, when my attempts at loving myself are louder, when I can think “remember all the good this body has done you, remember how it cares for you. Care back.”

Ana always returns, promises of love on her lips, but requirements and rules and roles as well.

[letterspastmidnight]

Lately, I have been thinking about crooked grins,

And shaggy hair I could spend hours running my fingers through.

About bandages, placed so gently

And “make it better” kisses.

Things I used to have, and miss so badly

[letterspastmidnight]

The last time we saw each other, we both stumbled through our feelings. Both refusing to say the words we both felt. “I love y- I love your hands” and half an hour later “I love- how you are” with fairly obvious breaks in the middle, giving us away without honestly admitting anything. This was over a month ago, and since then, you’ve left me. And then you regretted it. And now we’re working on it. And I’m not sure, but maybe those fairly obvious breaks where there to save my heart, to make it better since you’ve left me.

[letterspastmidnight]

I’ve been imagining our breakup since before we got together. I guess I can’t be mad, you’re the one that pulled the trigger.

[letterspastmidnight]

I was one really good day away from loving you.

Guess I’m glad we never had that day

[letterspastmidnight]

We are playing a losing game, you and I.

One of us will end up hurt

Will end up heartbroken.

I am fine, if it’s me. If I draw the short straw, I will be okay.

Can you say the same?

[letterspastmidnight]

This man is going to take my heart, and then he is going to crush it.

And me? I’m going to let him.

Fuck

[letterspastmidnight]

Today felt bad

Anxious and nervous and empty

And I spent an hour painting on my thighs with a paintbrush, instead of a blade

And I felt unaccomplished.

Unfinished

But I didn’t gain any scars today, and as much as that feels like loss, I know it’s a win.

I made myself eat today, all three times.

And as much as that feels like a loss, I know it’s a win.

Healing, if that is what this is, feels wrong

[letterspastmidnight]

Maybe it wouldn’t be the worst idea, to answer the call of the void.

Except, who would buy his medicine when he can’t?

Who would go grocery shopping with her?

Who would text her, when she needs to talk?

Who would watch them, guide them, to grow strong, and tall, and prouder than their mother would allow?

Who would be their constant optimism, their “always got a smile on hand” girl, their sunshine?

Maybe I should leave the call unanswered, just a little longer.

[letterspastmidnight]

I’m so so so tired of being alone

And I have an out right here. Not forever, by any means, but I don’t have to be alone right now.

And maybe he only used to suck

Maybe he’s better now

Maybe I’ll regret not going for this for the rest of my life...

Or maybe I’m just trying to fool myself

Because maybe the man I really want moved on without me

And maybe I’m stupid, and do toxic things when I feel alone.

I’m so tired of this half-life I’m living.

[letterspastmidnight]

I miss, so badly, having someone to hold on to.

A hand I could reach for, whenever I needed to not feel alone.

Someone I could kiss, even just in passing.

I miss feeling so domestic, so whole with someone else.

[letterspastmidnight]

I’m sorry, I’m not the girl I used to be.

I’m sorry the walls you managed to take down have sprung back up.

I’m sorry I can’t let you bear any of my burdens anymore.

But I’m sorry, it’s not just me whose done this.

I’m sorry, but it’s not just me who messed up.

I’m sorry, but it takes two; or in this case, three; to break a heart.

I’m sorry. I know you’re hurting too.

I’m sorry. I wish we could go back. To the girl who’s heart you never broke, to the man who’s heart I never broke.

I’m sorry. We aren’t who we were.

I’m sorry. I don’t blame you. I don’t blame them.

I’m sorry. People get hurt sometimes.

I’m not sorry, I won’t sign myself up for more by telling you. I won’t sign you up for more by telling you.

[letterspastmidnight]

To the woman who, on what I thought would be the worst day of my life, asked me if I was okay.

You didn’t take a mans word for me. You glared at him, and you didn’t back down. You asked me, again, until I told you through my tears I was.

And then you asked me again. And I don’t remember much from that day anymore, don’t remember much from that year anymore, but I remember you.

I will always remember you. My first real example of women sticking up for women.

I think of you often. I wish I had said thank you.

[letterspastmidnight]

303. A number that means nothing, except today it means success.

1,205. A number that means nothing, except 3 days ago it meant defeat.

241. Failure

239. A win like I haven’t had in months.

[letterspastmidnight]

Well, I’m only three years away from having lived more of my life without you than with you.

And I know, that’s how life works. The people you love will always die, it happens.

But tonight I miss you. Every day I miss you, but tonight I miss you a lot.

And I know It’s been years, but I’m just thinking. I’ll never see you again outside of pictures. I’ll never hear your voice again, and I already think it’s fading. I’ll never see you smile again, or talk to you about any of the new books I’ve read, or movies I’ve watched.

You’ll never see me get married, or meet my children. My children will never know the full, all encompassing, never ending love that was yours.

I just

Really

Miss you.

[letterspastmidnight]

Some people seem larger than life, even long after they’re gone.

I woke up this morning, after a dream of you.

And you looked so much like you, and you felt so much like you. Your voice was a memory that’s been long gone from me.

It was weird, and no way realistic, but it was so nice to see you again, even just in a dream.

[letterspastmidnight]

Days like today make me realize how truly lonely I am

How much I wish for a person who could be mine, who could share in my emotions with me, and be there for me through them.

How much I long to be held like they never ever ever want to let go, like maybe if they squeeze hard enough, all the pieces of me will hold together just a little longer.

I look around at everyone else, and see them, with their persons. And I want that, so so badly. As all of our hearts were breaking today, most of them had another half to hold strong, or else, to break with.

I was alone, again. And so so lonely.